Need help for my r2i plan

santosh801kumar · Post by **santosh801kumar** » Sun Oct 21, 2012 2:50 am

Friends,

I have been a active reader of this forum. Thanks all for their time in sharing the valuable experiences.

Here is the situation I am in.

background: Myself, wife and 1 girl, 1 boy (13 and 5). All US citizens and living in NJ.

Best part: We don't own a home in USA.

US Stay : 12 years

profession: Myself - IT PM with decent salary ; Wife - Home Maker (her choice - does not want to work)

Reason for R2I - I am only child + father 73 years and heart patient + mother 66years and some problems. FIL and MIL are also in 60's. My wife wants to be around them.

+ up bring the kids in India so that they can be part of the family roots.

If we end up staying here until next 10 years, specially I will have ZERO relations from India.

Preferably planning to R2I to Bangalore.

Situation : Wife and I continue to quarrel on issues from day 1 of marriage and even now. Wife never compatible with my side of family. Wifes side (Wife, FIL and MIL) believes in mainly threatening husbands side with consequences like police, cases or warnings when ever there is a conflict. I know I have to standup and be a man. I am more of emotional nature, timid and get hurt. I have always some how afraid that I will lose my career if I go against my wife/in-laws wishes.

FIL confirms recently he did not like us getting married but made the marriage because his daughter gets a chance to go to USA.

Wife wanted to have a separate family always as she hates my parents. Its not true as we continue to fight when no one is around lol :)

Savings: Around 75L savings + some FD

Concerns: Please share your experiences
My older one will be going to 8th grade next year. Are we too late here?
I am 41+.

I know there is a room for me to improve even now and have apologized wife several hundred times but wife never believes she did wrong and never apologized till date.

Will my R2I become successful ? I am planning to do it in 2013.

Kids are excellent in studies and should do good in Bangalore.

Kids are used to our fights from childhood.

Thanks,
Santosh.

Admin note: Title changed to make it relevant to the topic.

Gator92 · Post by **Gator92** » Mon Oct 22, 2012 1:05 pm

In my humble opinion, you are better off LIA instead of R2I. When you already have family issues and wife not getting along with in-laws, etc, this whole situation will only exacerbate the situation and is a recipe for disaster. I feel other relatives would tend to get involved and most of the times instead of helping would end up harming the situation. It gets to be difficult to stay neutral and there would be more arguments with your wife trying to take on sides. Sometimes I think distance is your friend.

If you really want to R2I, then your concern of your older kid joining 8th grade shouldn't worry you too much given the excellent study track record. It will take a few months to get adjusted to a different system + study a different language from the scratch, but is not a major concern in the big scheme of things. You can always find a tutor in your apartment to teach the language to get upto speed. As a matter of fact, the kids will end up adjusting faster than you and your wife and will most probably enjoy the R2I experience.

I would suggest that instead of R2I, if you are able to take a break (or quit your job) for maybe 6 months, stay in India and try it out, maybe during your kids summer break. An extended full time stay instead of a short 3 weeks vacation will give you a better perspective on the way forward. You will most probably be able to decide if continue to LIA or R2I is best for your situation and current priorities in life. Good luck with your decision.

santosh801kumar · Post by **santosh801kumar** » Tue Oct 23, 2012 11:45 pm

Gator,

Thanks a lot for your response.

Kids are studying in a number 1 school in NJ and will lose their spot if they miss school for even a 15 day period. Staying for 6 months together after R2I is not a choice. In the best case, I can do a 3 month summer vacation which may test waters. 3 months I have to be on a loss of pay kind of situation is possible.

I agree LIA is a good choice in my case. However, its a "virtual" end of family relationship with a old dad and mom with son, DIL and grand children if I choose LIA.

I have spoken to both parties (Wife and Parents) - my parents are very paranoid when ever I bring this topic of R2I and staying together in a same house.

Parents suggest stay in a different place or house and not together as it was tested and failed several times earlier.

However, If we live in as a separate family - I feel the entire context of R2I is going near family roots and its missing the purpose and does not make real sense.

Love and trust is probably important than whether you are living together or not. However by ignoring the root cause and being distant also is not helping greatly :)

Years pass on but not a single positive call happens between DIL and FIL/MIL (I do not have any problem talking to my FIL/MIL anytime). No one wants to break the ice :) Its a complete deadlock situation. There is no natural respect or love which is a big differentiator in a family.

Thanks,
Santosh

Froogle · Post by **Froogle** » Wed Oct 24, 2012 12:28 am

santosh801kumar;477575I have spoken to both parties (Wife and Parents) - my parents are very paranoid when ever I bring this topic of R2I and staying together in a same house.

Parents suggest stay in a different place or house and not together as it was tested and failed several times earlier.

A very wise thought from the transition perspective. When you want to go back you want min. variables which can affect your level of frustration and I can tell you this will help greatly. Not that I am pointing out that it is not possible at all but taking a step by step approch is good for big transition.
[QUOTE]However, If we live in as a separate family - I feel the entire context of R2I is going near family roots and its missing the purpose and does not make real sense.
Not necessarily. Look for rental property in neighbourhood (walking distance). You have freedom to share time and keeping isolation.

Lakshya · Post by **Lakshya** » Wed Oct 24, 2012 1:42 am

guptaj;477597Let me tell you this first of all I could be wrong but since this a public forum and all you are looking for is an advice and everyone has their own perspective or way of looking at things. I think there is a fundamental problem in understanding between you and your wife. It may be that you may be at fault or your wife is at fault. I am really surprised that you are and wife are getting along with after so may years. Being a family man you need to provide your family with what they need, don't think that if you are bread winner in your house then whatever you do is right. Look at things out of the box you may be at fault on certain issues. I think your FIL is being honest on reason why he selected you as your son in law. And think about what impression you and wife make as parent on your kids. R2I or LIA in not an issue for you I believe at the moment, as long as you avoid talking with your ILs you will deferr these issues. A good understanding between yourself and wife is critical for you as a family

Same thought here. At age of 41+ still you are fighting ( or not getting along) then your career R2i-LIA become meaningless. What?s point of living together like this? You need to address this mental disconnect first.

One option is R2i in same town but far from parents.

santosh801kumar · Post by **santosh801kumar** » Wed Oct 24, 2012 1:44 am

Froogle - thanks for your suggestion.

Friends - spoke to Dear Wife and below is one more conflicting situation.

Wife's Suggestion: There is no emergency for your parents right now. It is better to R2I after 10th Grade (or when the emergency comes). In Bangalore (Karnataka State Syllabus) once you choose a state syllabus e.g MPC - Maths, Physics, Chemistry in 11th grade - you will NOT have Social Studies subject and Hindi Subject. Wife is afraid that it will be a challenge for Kid to pass Social Studies or Hindi.

Wife is ok with R2I after 10th Grade in NJ. This means the R2I may be pushed to another 3 years. Kid will directly study in 11th and 12th grade and can concentrate on IIT JEE exam etc. Kid also wants to study until 10th grade in NJ.

My Suggestion: If we go now, Kid will have studied 8th through 12th grade - which means almost 5 years before IIT JEE exam and will have enough time to accept Indian Study conditions and is better skilled. Also, 3 years is a long time and anything can happen for parents. Once some one is 73+ years, is already an average Indian living age unless some one is really strong enough to continue to live for another 10 years.

What are your experiences on R2I in 8th Grade Vs 11th Grade assuming the Kids want to pursue a IIT JEE dream ?

Is it good idea to R2I in 8th Grade or in 11th Grade ?

It is not that I do not believe my wife or myself but want to self check thoroughly before taking a decision

I also know IIT JEE may be a dream but you always set a high goal.

All your suggestions are welcome.

Again, your support, experience and suggestions are invaluable.

Thanks,
Santosh

santosh801kumar · Post by **santosh801kumar** » Wed Oct 24, 2012 2:00 am

Agreed Gupta. It is better to go to a family counseling and fix the first problem. :) and work on the other problems of R2I or LIA. Wife and I are making a very conscious effort on this to fix it for good. A kind of a fool proof mechanism of "Open Communication"

suyog · Post by **suyog** » Wed Oct 24, 2012 3:09 am

santosh801kumar;477341My wife wants to be around them.

Have you suggested her to move close to her parents? She then might accept to R2I. Moving with 8th grader is not a big deal, she will have to struggle during initial few months, but eventually will adjust, specially when she makes some close friends. Kids resistance to R2I is highest, however it cools down quickly after the move.