LII or R2A..Thoughts/inputs/suggestions required

Gator92 · Post by **Gator92** » Fri Oct 12, 2012 2:32 pm

Update on our LII or R2A dilemma..
I cannot believe that my first post on this subject was in April, how time flies..It looks like we have decided to R2A once this school year is completed. I may get a job transfer with my current job (not 100% sure, have spoken to the manager and he is encouraged by the idea and the fact that they do not have to sponsor visa)..DH has started looking for a job..but difficult to find something sitting in India. We might move to DFW, TX area if I get a transfer since my company has an office there. We told the kids that there is a strong possibility that we may move in Mar-Apr next year, they were very excited and they want to move by Dec instead of having to wait but doing it during the middle of the school year will be difficult.

Plan is to wrap up by March end, move to US and look for a job for DH if everything falls into place..I am slightly weary of planning too ahead. We will not rent our apartment in Bangalore because we want to keep it for our vacations to India. Does anyone have any experience or information about shipping boxes from India to US, we don't want to ship a lot of stuff but some kitchen items and books and clothes so that we don't have to buy everything from scratch once we land..is it worth shipping or just buying everything in US..not sure about this.
So this is our story right now..it does not seem that there is much to keep us in India..whatever experiences we have had after R2I have made us stronger and more resilient, however the belief in family and social life have not been that great..We recently completed 7 yrs of R2I, I feel that in all aspects it has been succcesful but we never thought we would return back to US, however neither did we think we would R2I either if you asked me in 2003 or 2005..
I want honest opinions about certain facts (just stating them, I am not promoting myself here ). I sometimes feel pushed over by my DH (he is actively reading these posts..) based on my history..I like to feel that I am accomodating and that is what has kept our marriage together but sometimes I fear that this may cause regrets later on..here is the timeline with facts.
1997 - Married, moved to US on H4 , quitting job with a good IT company in Bangalore. Company offered transfer to Phoenix AZ but did not consider it since DH was in CT.
1998 - Got work permit started working in an excellent financial services company in CT. DH got Green card during this year, wanted to change jobs..
1998 - Got an offer with a NJ based company excellent compensation for my experience then, due to DH's job opportunities in CT gave it up..
1999 - DH changed careers and had to move to north CT, quit my job and moved..No regrets here since I joined a large insurance company in CT area.
2005 - Quit my job and moved to india, joint decision, continued as a contract for 6 months with US employer , later found an IT job in Bangalore..
2012-13 - Possibly quitting (worst-case) or getting a transfer to US from current job.. ??

Suggestions/brickbats/bashing..all are welcome..

post_r2i06 · Post by **post_r2i06** » Fri Oct 12, 2012 7:28 pm

Thanks for sharing... Good luck with job hunt and R2A. [Probably, I would have done same thing, only if I had USC!!]

Dicky_Bird · Post by **Dicky_Bird** » Fri Oct 12, 2012 8:47 pm

pat your back for what you described and you were able to travel all these uneven paths with your better half and family in past, so am sure future journey will not be difficult. You have put family first and one day you will realize thinking of anything else other than family would have been not worth,,,cheers:thup:
good luck

[QUOTE=Gator92;47674 1997-moved to US on H4 , quitting job with a good IT company in Bangalore. Company offered transfer to Phoenix AZ but did not consider it since DH was in CT.
1998 - Got work permit started working in an excellent financial services company in CT. DH got Green card during this year, wanted to change jobs..
1998 - Got an offer with a NJ based company excellent compensation for my experience then, due to DH's job opportunities in CT gave it up..
1999 - DH changed careers and had to move to north CT, quit my job and moved..No regrets here since I joined a large insurance company in CT area.
2005 - Quit my job and moved to india, joint decision, continued as a contract for 6 months with US employer , later found an IT job in Bangalore..
2012-13 - Possibly quitting (worst-case) or getting a transfer to US from current job.. ??

Suggestions/brickbats/bashing..all are welcome..

Philosopher · Post by **Philosopher** » Fri Oct 12, 2012 9:48 pm

Gator92;476743Update on our LII or R2A dilemma..It looks like we have decided to R2A once this school year is completed

Suggestions/brickbats/bashing..all are welcome..

It is a very brave decision I must say.

It seems the R2A decision is more of a push outside India than a pull from the US. R2I is more of a pull from India and R2As are generally within couple of years due to a combined factor of push/pull. In your case, R2A is being thought of after 7 years and there is no strong reason that is quite apparent(to me) from your posts.

You did not have good relationships with in-laws but are Ok with LII and I believe family khit-phit should be more maneagable for DH especially coming from his own side of the family(rather than the in-laws). And as sons, men are better at handling khit-pit coming from their dad(since they can be direct) than their mom(which entails some emotional drama)

How are the family issues going to cause less stress by R2A? Is it only because of the geographical distance? Why can't it be done through LII, may be by moving to a different city?

Sorry for all the questions but this looks like treating the symptoms rather than looking at the root cause closely. Any feeling of resentment(seen as another compromise) from you will add to the challenge of starting afresh.

Old-Spice2 · Post by **Old-Spice2** » Fri Oct 12, 2012 10:05 pm

Philosopher;476774It is a very brave decision I must say.

How are the family issues going to cause less stress by R2A? Is it only because of the geographical distance? Why can't it be done through LII, may be by moving to a different city?

Sorry for all the questions but this looks like treating the symptoms rather than looking at the root cause closely. Any feeling of resentment(seen as another compromise) from you will add to the challenge of starting afresh.

I feel Gator's decision is based on stress level for DH and his health related issues. May be stress level will be less in USA. Not sure but I know many people working in IT are overworked and feel stressed in US. One has to be lucky to find a stress free job that pays well.

IMO, r2a is not a good decision considering the kid's age. It should have been the reverse. OP will be dealing with different set of problems 4-5 years down the line.

RBee · Post by **RBee** » Sat Oct 13, 2012 12:02 am

OP(wife),

You must have taken all factors into consideration to arrive at this decision... There is no right or wrong decision if both partners in couple have love for each other and then R2I/LIA doesn't matter. But if work culture is one reason for your return, the work culture in US getting stressful like India too if one is in SW development or SW management; I am not sure how it is in Dallas area as couple of my friends relocated to Austin/Houston area and they think bay area, CA is worse as far as work related stress goes. So may be Dallas is similar too.

I can understand your feelings that all along you sacrificed your career aspirations to follow your husband's career progression but deep inside ask whether that is true because I feel as a woman, I am outwardly expressive in caring for DH's or family's happiness more than what he cares for mine even when he does his share. Deep inside, I as a women want him to express vocally that he cares for my happiness as much I do for his. But my experience with my dad/my DH/my FIL/my Jeejus(BILs) suggests that men generally don't express such feelings verbally till the respective careers are done. Is patriarchy a reason for that or men are just wired weird who knows :) ..

I had a working mom and what all tribulations she underwent for our upbringing, education and weddings , I could realize her true feelings only when I had kids (my sisters say the same). Being girls, majority of us siblings were always daddy's kids so we always supported dad whenever minor khit-pit or differences of opinions came up; we used to think our mom was fussy but now we sisters agree that we were wrong and dad had his share of mistakes. Now spending time on my kid's homework every day, relating to their growing pains, having apprehensions on their future, their life etc I feel I share more burden than my DH and I am more stressed but same time in-spite of all my efforts, I feel my kids love my DH more than me. But if my DH gets too involved and yells at kids on their performance/behavior, I don't like that either :)..So partially,blame lies with me but I can't change and he can't change either !!!

I am in a reverse role compared to you that I am worried whether I am spoiling my DH's and kid's happiness by forcing them to wind down here and return. DH is very easy going guy and has not worked in Indian corporate environment, so will he have stress because of me is another reason for my stress apart from correcting Language Arts homework which needs colossal effort :) !!

Good luck, Don't worry and be happy that your kids are great in language and one less head ache if you need to help in their language homework if you return to US :)

suba · Post by **suba** » Mon Oct 15, 2012 5:21 pm

Gator92;476743I want honest opinions about certain facts (just stating them, I am not promoting myself here ). I sometimes feel pushed over by my DH (he is actively reading these posts..) based on my history..I like to feel that I am accomodating and that is what has kept our marriage together but sometimes I fear that this may cause regrets later on..here is the timeline with facts.

It took me a while to understand the question. I think there lies part of the answer. Women folk want men to understand them without clearly expressing what they want. Men want things to be straight and blunt. So my suggestion is that you don't accumulate your disappointments and then burst out all of a sudden. Instead express your feelings and opinions while things are happening.

Sometimes the wife has to do more work or make more sacrifices. And sometimes it could be the husband (though in Indian families it's the wives mostly). There is never going to be a 50-50 share at any point in time. It's natural to feel and wonder why you have to do more sacrifices than him. But be assured that your DH will do the same if the situation warrants it (having read his diary). You don't have to sacrifice every time and think that the spouse will understand and repeat the same later. But as RBee pointed most men are wired weird (or lazy) and so unless things are forced on them they don't take them up. And when you want something dearly say it. Don't think he'll understand your subtle messages. Say it loud and clear. He will definitely make sure you get (if he doesn't then say it even louder! ).

I think spending time with the spouse alone will help a lot. Leave the kids (alone or with someone) and go out with the spouse for a coffee. Sit, talk about everything, express how you feel about things and share what's happening in your world. It'll go a long way in keeping the whole family happy!

vandanaaug · Post by **vandanaaug** » Sun Oct 21, 2012 5:11 am

We are also returning to US after completing 2 years of R2I. My husband has secured and started his new job in washingtonDC area (we lived there for 10 years before R2I in 2010). Job market is holding up, though I still have to find one ( I'll be moving back after session gets over in March). Weather is tolerable, as you get to see both extreme winter as well as summer. Huge Indian community and good public schools.

I would suggest that one of you, whoever gets job first to move and settle things for rest of the family. Starting life back there is easier than in India but expensive.

Gator92 · Post by **Gator92** » Mon Oct 22, 2012 2:14 pm

Yes, I agree that the best option is for one of us to move and secure a job or secure a job and then move and the other follows with family..There is a lot of upfront expenses involved with the move so we are planning on being on the "downside" in $ for atleast 3-4 months after the move..but overall we are trying to be open about the option that we want to move by 2013 March-April if it works out otherwise shut out the R2A bug from our minds..Kids being kids are enthusiastic..my parents are very upset and my mom tried to convince me the other day saying that there is nothing in US for anybody to move, so many NRI's are moving back so on and so forth..One of my cousins moved back from Denver about a year ago, they have two young kids with the older one just starting 1st grade, both husband and wife do not seem to like it here ever since they have been back. They moved from Bangalore to Mysore since they did not like the crowds, traffic and pollution in Bangalore and he commutes to work from Mysore to Bangalore two times a week. I think they are in denial about their R2I working out . Seeing them makes me feel that we are making a better decision by decision to R2A not because we want to run away from the traffic, pollution in India but rather more personal choices due to health and kids education. My cousin adviced me to move back ASAP, his advice was "RUN" when you can !!

Gator92 (wife)

vandanaaug · Post by **vandanaaug** » Sun Oct 28, 2012 8:44 pm

To me, new India is an imitation of US with lots of traffic, chaos, pollution and corruption. We would be stressed out irrespective of place because of modern lifestyle and nature of our jobs. However, medical system in US has an edge over India; milk and vegetables are not loaded with pesticides; can breath pollution free air. Rest is destiny.