R2I and marry?

tinu · Post by **tinu** » Wed Nov 30, 2011 9:48 pm

I found this forum last year, posted, and got great advice from an empathetic crowd. In the mean time, a few aspects of my life have changed.
- graduated and got my diploma (only a few months back)
- have been looking for jobs, but dont have a full-time job with a visa yet
- currently in a part-time job and it won't grow into a full-time job.
- and there is a man... and that is why I'm here again.

quick facts - he is back home, similar age group (both of us are in early 30s, I'm the only child to aging parents who want me to be there), not well-settled, makes <50K/month (not from IT), we were in touch by email on n off for about 2 years, this year we talked 4-5 times before he unexpectedly asked "I really want to get married, you are my 1st preference (through family reference, nothing else), if you give me a yes now, I will wait for you to wrap up and come back."

I gave him a yes, but I have my doubts which can be categorized as
- time - is this the right time to move back or should I give it some more time here to find a guy and to get a job?
- doubts about jumping right into marriage or whether I should go there... stay there for a couple of months, get a job, and then get married
- career - Can I can quickly find a job and start a career back home (Yes, I need to earn considering his salary) or will I be seen as overqualified with a PhD from the US (I have almost no work experience. I have already started looking for jobs there)
- Marrying someone who has always lived back home and now living with in-laws
- doubts about marrying him specifically (those will be there no matter who I marry)

If I could have anything... I would like to work here for a few years, save up money, get married, have a kid (get a USC for him) and then move back. I have been trying, but I couldn't find anyone here that agreed to that plan. My career isn't flying either (my mentors say "You just graduated, the economy is bad, you have to give it some time for your career to fly"). My priority definitely is marriage. I have single female friends in their late 30s who are telling me "Its now or never. Settle down or else you will end up in our shoes."

I've been here as a student for 5+ years. I've been reading articles about difficulties in adjusting back to the ways of life there. I'm scared to wrap everything up in a couple of months now, go back, and marry him and start a new phase of life with him and in-laws. If I say no to him, he is not going to wait, he has other girls lined up (or so he says). I don't have anyone lined up here... not even a job. The possibility of getting a work visa just shattered a few days ago. I'm applying and have been interviewed at some places, but no luck yet. I'm on OPT and if I leave the country, coming back is almost impossible.

FYI - Noone is putting pressure on me except my deep desire for companionship and my circumstances. He only says "This is where I stand. If you can work with it, I'll be happy to marry you, if not.. I wish you the best." My parents say "We think you should marry this man, but we want this to be your decision."

I'm scared to make mistakes with irreversible consequences. Your thoughts, advice, comments are welcome.

okonomi · Post by **okonomi** » Wed Nov 30, 2011 10:31 pm

That post made the usual LIA raised desi girl concerns like "bride has cold feet" or "is he the right one?" so juvenile. (google search these phrases for links to local issues in America )
Nice post; but tough to offer advice to such well expressed normal fears of moving into a new phase of life.
Let me cut and paste an excerpt of a recent post that could apply here...

boca2blr;425516....
There is a thread "Is Life Logical?" or something like that. In any given moment, while there are too many possibilities, we choose implicitly or explicitly a given possibility, a given path. We try to use logic which essentially evaluates as many possibilities as is humanly possible. Sometimes, it may even seem like guess. Once the choice is made, we are already in the next moment and will never be able to change the decision from the past moment. Life sucks (until we figure out time travel). You are in this moment, .............. What you have control over is the next moment. Try to use happiness as one of the yardstick for future decisions. Take everyone's happiness and the impact to their happiness as a result of your decision into consideration. You will get over the present lull. Challenge your brain to think creatively in how you can sustain and probably increase the overall happiness in self and in others that matter. ...... :)

There is another thread (link) that will offer you encouragement and comfort, if you should decide to go home and marry the one (and only).
best wishes...

boca · Post by **boca** » Wed Nov 30, 2011 10:47 pm

okonomi;425643Nice post; but tough to offer advice to such well expressed normal fears of moving into a new phase of life.
Let me cut and paste an excerpt of a recent post that could apply here...

I have graduated and can start Dr. Boca consulting services, now that I am quotable? :)

I was to post this, then refrained, but will post it anyways, if it may help Tinu (as I voice similar sentiments with fear of phase transition and its impact on decisions for the future....)

tinu;425633If I say no to him, he is not going to wait, he has other girls lined up (or so he says).

tinu;425633I'm scared to make mistakes with irreversible consequences.

Is he the last and only option, for ever? Don't know if there is some scarcity with marriageable men these days. :)

If I were in your shoes, I wouldn't go for this person who "has other girls lined up". Just me and my pancreas feels odd. Don't know why.

You just got off a 7-year phase of life and are facing multiple uncertainties. The fear is natural. But, let the fear not dictate or play any role in your next step. Wish you good luck!

(Why am I posting in such deep thoughts thread! Uncharacteristic of me, who is used to being in read only mode with the likes of KirKS playing the wise person role. :) )

gujju · Post by **gujju** » Wed Nov 30, 2011 10:50 pm

A bird in hand is better than two in bush.

If you decide to get married to him, scan and paste a copy of the invitation here and maybe some of us will visit and wish you both.

to quote Sadhguru Boca Ji Maharaj "You can't win it all, and you don't want to lose what you already have won"

Best wishes.

wapis · Post by **wapis** » Wed Nov 30, 2011 11:03 pm

Can you not visit India for couple of weeks, meet him everyday and decide whether he is the ONE?
How closely your parents know him? If they know little, I would be very wary.
In my opinion, there will be many settled and descent men in your age who would be looking for a partner. He is not the last one left. I am just saying that if you or your parents does not know much about him, I would not jump into marrying someone just like that.
Do you a good friend circle in India? They might be able help you in such matters.

Old-Spice2 · Post by **Old-Spice2** » Wed Nov 30, 2011 11:11 pm

Have you met him in person? If not, it will be a good idea to go back and spend some time with him. If you think he is not the right person, then you should stay back in India, find a job and look for a suitable man. Chances of finding a right person is high when you are there. Yes the pool will be greatly reduced once you cross 30. It is for you to decide - career in US or a settled life in India. You have decent wealth in terms of RE, so finance is not an issue.

VS007 · Post by **VS007** » Wed Nov 30, 2011 11:15 pm

tinu;4256331. doubts .... whether I should go there... stay there for a couple of months, get a job, and then get married

- 2. doubts about marrying him specifically

Of all the doubts, these two are the crucial ones imho and on both the answer depends upon how strong those doubts about him Or desire to stay back.
If either of them are very strong and you are suppressing them for sake of parent's subtle indirect pressure/biological clock/lack of alternatives now/.. or whatever reason, then it may have a gnaw you, unless you have a take it easy policy and enjoy life as it comes.

But on the other hand if the doubts are more of jitters, then who has not gone through it even if you know the prospective spouse for years.

Regarding the first point of staying in US, frankly your long term goal is to seek happiness and one can find it anywhere and everywhere provided you are blessed with those genes, else this forum is always there to explore all sort of R2I, R2A dilemmas.

RBee · Post by **RBee** » Wed Nov 30, 2011 11:22 pm

wapis;425656Can you not visit India for couple of weeks, meet him everyday and decide whether he is the ONE?
How closely your parents know him? If they know little, I would be very wary.
In my opinion, there will be many settled and descent men in your age who would be looking for a partner. He is not the last one left. I am just saying that if you or your parents does not know much about him, I would not jump into marrying someone just like that.
Do you a good friend circle in India? They might be able help you in such matters.

Exactly. Spend time with him and then decide. Do some jasoosi in friend's circle to find about his real attributes.
If he is threatening(mildly) that he has other girls lined up for him if you don't agree now, uncomfortable feelings yaar ! Honestly and realistically men have roving eye and all but before marriage at-least, he needs to show that you are the only one to sweep you off your feet :)). I will give communication-gap as the problem because don't want to bad mouth him if he is the one for you :) !! Early 30s is not bad nowadays but options do start reducing drastically as cut off is 33-34 for the male match/catch to be satisfactory !!

tinu · Post by **tinu** » Wed Nov 30, 2011 11:48 pm

boca2blr;425654 Is he the last and only option, for ever? Don't know if there is some scarcity with marriageable men these days. :)

These experiences are very individual, I guess. I never had men running after me. I am thankful to have met some decent men, but due to a variety of reasons, it never led to marriage. Many women will tell you, though, that in the US getting a commitment and staying committed is tough for both men and women. Men back home, with all their quirks and in-laws and typical "ladki dekhna" (going to see a girl in traditional setting) programs, still come across as more sincere and ready to commit. Again that's my experience.

boca2blr;425654 If I were in your shoes, I wouldn't go for this person who "has other girls lined up". Just me and my pancreas feels odd. Don't know why.

Can you please elaborate? It may sound odd to American ears, but I've seen this before. When a person is ready for marriage, you can't keep them waiting, they lose patience and marry one from the available candidates and move on with their life. This doesn't mean they don't like you, but marriage takes precedence over waiting for the right person... or may be right person is the one who is available when you are ready to marry. The definition changes, I guess.

boca2blr;425654 You just got off a 7-year phase of life and are facing multiple uncertainties. The fear is natural. But, let the fear not dictate or play any role in your next step. Wish you good luck!

Thank you for putting it this way.

tinu · Post by **tinu** » Wed Nov 30, 2011 11:54 pm

gujju;425655A bird in hand is better than two in bush.

There are no two birds in the bush either. There is no bush, nothing. This only bird just flew from somewhere.