r2i forum

My wife & I have disagreement on several areas, one of them being R2I. We agreed on returning to India 2 years after marriage, but she has been deferring it for ever. We fight pretty much every day, sometimes it gets physical from both the sides.

Doctors suspect I am suffering from can*. I have not shared it with anybody, including my wife. I want to spend the last few months of my life, if lucky years, with my parents in India. But I do have kids in the US. My wife loves US (money, lifestyle, her family pressure). She likes me, but she is being forced by her mother to settle in US. Even if R2I, she will not come with me. I want my minor kids to stay with my wife for the obvious reason...not sure if I will be lucky for a decade. But I love my kids.

Should I go to India and spend my last moments happily with parents? Or shall I lead a miserable life, fighting with wife in front of kids and die here?

Simple answer is do what makes You happy. But without going through more personal questions, I think you need to think about some other options to make everyone happy like

1. Geting parents to US for a short vacation
2. Ask wife to consider short stay in India for not more than a year (promise her a date when you will come back)
3. You make a frequent trips to India to divide your time between parents and Kids

Also, obviously you should consider the treatment choice for you in US vs. India. I am not expert, but I feel with medical insurance etc., It might make sense for you stay in US to get the best treatment. There are great oncology facilities in India but mostly in cities. So if your parents are away from major cities, than you may not be able to stay with your parents even if you r2i.

You definitely need to disclose doctor's diagnosis to your wife and discuss issues and your wishes in an open hearted discussion. She will need to understand the reasons and logic for your request. I am sure she will try to do what is best for you and your family.

I am really sorry about your health. Hope you get well soon.

Disclose your medical issues to your wife. If she loves you, she would care about your wish, at least after this revelation.

kohvi01;393530

Doctors suspect I am suffering from can*.

You mean this suspicion just happened?- like today? Further testing and diagnosis generally happens on a war footing. For starters, you have no definite diagnosis . So, You should stop worrying about impending death and R2I at present...and focus your energies on establishing the diagnosis, treatment or even finding a new doctor.

Best wishes.

It is sad to hear it.

Doctor's suspect or have they carried out intensive tests and determined the stage and extent of this.

I know 3 persons very well, who have had cancer. They are still leading a normal life after proper treatment. One was in 1987, another in 1989 and the third one in 1996.

Two of them had undergone surgery and all three had radiotherapy subsequently.

It is not incurable now, of course you need to get proper treatment.

[QUOTE]Should I go to India and spend my last moments happily with parents? Or shall I lead a miserable life, fighting with wife in front of kids and die here?

You obviously believe that you will be happy in India, even without the kids and wife. make your assessment and then follow your heart. All the above cases were treated in india, so good medical support is available.

Also, wouldn't cancer treatment be better in US? If you have insurance, then it might turn out to be cheaper too, isn't it?

kohvi01;393530...

Should I go to India and spend my last moments happily with parents? Or shall I lead a miserable life, fighting with wife in front of kids and die here?

If I were in your position, I would try to do what is best for those who will probably outlive me - kids and spouse.

About spending last moments as in weeks, months or years of a serious illness with parents, I would like to spare my old parents that no matter how happy it made me.

A bucket list is fine, but only long as its items do not disrupt others' lives against their wishes.

Like Sid and Cabo said, you need to tell your wife and focus on the medical diagnosis and treatment.

kohvi01;393530My wife & I have disagreement on several areas, one of them being R2I. We agreed on returning to India 2 years after marriage, but she has been deferring it for ever. We fight pretty much every day, sometimes it gets physical from both the sides.

Doctors suspect I am suffering from can*. I have not shared it with anybody, including my wife. I want to spend the last few months of my life, if lucky years, with my parents in India. But I do have kids in the US. My wife loves US (money, lifestyle, her family pressure). She likes me, but she is being forced by her mother to settle in US. Even if R2I, she will not come with me. I want my minor kids to stay with my wife for the obvious reason...not sure if I will be lucky for a decade. But I love my kids.

Should I go to India and spend my last moments happily with parents? Or shall I lead a miserable life, fighting with wife in front of kids and die here?

Very sorry to hear this.
Your first priority is to repair your relationship with your wife. Do not talk about R2I now. Tell your wife about your problem. In a stable environment you will have a clearer picture as to what to do than in a troubled environment.
As to your qn regarding where to spend your time, think where your kids and wife would be better off if your disease deteriorates. Before that, like others said, first you have to evaluate your disease, and also stop the fights.

That is sad to hear.

Before you plan too far, first find out what exactly the diagnosis is. It takes a few weeks of tests. Besides, what type of cancer and the stage you are at - will all determine the treatment options and how late or soon the end will arrive (sorry to be blunt). So focus on getting all your tests finished. Some types of cancers may still give you a reasonably long period without deterioration in quality of life, while some will just hit you like a ton of bricks.
At a time like this - and with the gravity of the situation, I am very surprised you have not discussed it with your wife. that is the first thing. Even if you do fight and have issues, I am sure you are both together "for better for worse". SHe is entitled to know and you may be surprised that your fights and stuff may even vanish.
You should not hide the news from anyone. Your parents and your wife need to know about this and you should discuss as a family on how to proceed regarding treatments and whether to be here or in India.

Good luck and hope the diagnosis is better than the suspicion, even if it is what they suspect, like dbs said - I pray it be the curable kind. Wish you all the best.

kohvi01;393530My wife & I have disagreement on several areas, one of them being R2I. We agreed on returning to India 2 years after marriage, but she has been deferring it for ever. We fight pretty much every day, sometimes it gets physical from both the sides.

OP, sorry to hear about your illness. The way I look at it, there is almost no issue that can be solved in a better way by getting physical. Does not matter if it is one way or both ways, there is little chance of convincing when there is physical hurt involved. Why are you hesitating from spelling out cancer? Embrace it and fight it. My ex-roommate battled blood cancer and has been free of cancer for the last 6 years. Depending on the stage you are in, you may have a very good chance of winning the battle. Look for support groups online. You can battle the illness in both countries, but you need the support of your family, parents and wife. Best wishes with everything.