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Have you come across children behaviour like my son?
Posted: Sat Jul 21, 2007 5:28 am
by taan ta taan
I have an unusual query here. Respected members discuss many problems about children education, R2I etc. here. I thought of asking here hoping that I can get some good answers/ideas on my query.
I live in UK and I thought of asking few questions on my son. If anybody in this forum has come across this problem please let me know.
We came to UK when he was about 2.5 years old and when he reached 3 yrs. he started going to school. He is always relaxed, how much ever we tell he doesn?t understand the competition. His teachers and ex teachers are also saying same thing every time we meet.
Some of the example how he behaves are,
1. when we say there is a test in either in school, Karate, music class? he doesn?t care to practice/study and stay relaxed and when he fails to proceed to next level he has no feelings of failure, just he will be normal and relaxed.
2. He eats his food normal quantity but takes about 1 hour every time. How much ever explain him not to do so, he does same thing next day
3. He sleeps about 8.5 hours at night, but morning time he takes about 2 hours. To get ready to school? being slow slow slow to get ready to school.
4. Forgets to take his things when going out like, doesn?t take school bag when going school. He will be relaxed and when remembers he takes it.
5. Similarly when coming out from school he forgets any letters/jackets etc?we have to send him back to get it...many times it happens in a week though!
6. And few more?. Similarly like above (slow, absence of mind, no feeling of responsibility?)
It?s been going on since years. Since he is now 9+ yrs. I always worry about this behaviour. All his friends and our neighbour children are moving ahead normal. Sometime I feel very bad as my son doesn?t even understand how other children are proceeding.
Paediatricians made health check-up like blood tests etc? and said he is medically and physically fit.
He is normal boy playing wise and everything. But absolutely no feeling when he fails in any tests and when he is told he has to improve!
Now I have planned to R2I next year. Only reason is this, to send him to schools in India believing that he sees competition in desi children and learns from other children there. We are selling house, leaving job here and moving to India only because of his cool behaviour.
Please let me know whether anybody come across this kind of behaviour child? What to do to improve him? Any inputs please?
Have you come across children behaviour like my son?
Posted: Sat Jul 21, 2007 7:21 pm
by sepdfw
I have thought thru this exact situation for someone I know in India. Consider this, what if the pressure of competition in India acts the other way. Plus you need a reasonable amount of street smarts in India for day to day life, so people dont take advantage of you! I feel that life outside India will alleviate some of that pressure and give him career opportunities that might be difficult or low paying in India. And I also suggest you seek some professional help for his non-physical conditions.
Good luck!
Have you come across children behaviour like my son?
Posted: Sat Jul 21, 2007 8:06 pm
by Chicago Desi
A child psychologist will be able to help you the best. Somehow the child has lost interest in pursuing any activities. There may be some environmental conditions that may be causing this. A child psychologist will be able to decipher the situation better.
Have you come across children behaviour like my son?
Posted: Sat Jul 21, 2007 8:47 pm
by ihdnanna
Perhaps I should not be posting this...
I do not have kids and so what I say holds no value. But this is what I feel, so please disregard if it offends you.
My brother was like your son growing up. Totally relaxed, content and I loved being with him because he calmed me down.
My dad was a go-getter and often yelled at my brother because he felt he did not have the 'fire in his belly' and worried about him because he was a guy. I on the other hand was ultra-competitive, on the fast lane in life.
Fast forward 30 years. I'm burnt out. I have a job because it pays the bills and I have not found what really gives me happiness...
My brother on the other hand, despite being a 'slow' runner, is still running. He is still relaxed when things go wrong, has a full life, is a musician by night, a solid worker by day and is enjoying life to the fullest.
He is as they say a 'lambi race ka ghoda' - a long distance runner.
This has been my experience ...I have no advice except to say, don't despair.
Your son seems like a saint and if I wished to have a kid, I would love one like him.
And yes, India will be too competitive for him. Again my experience from having lived there and having seen schools.
Have you come across children behaviour like my son?
Posted: Sat Jul 21, 2007 11:54 pm
by dbs
In my opinion, it would not be wise to expose him to intense competition, when he does not want to compete. As some others have suggested, I would take him to Psychologist if not a Psychiatrist.
I have no experience in these matters. Personally, I have been told that I am very competitive but very relaxed on loosing.
Have you come across children behaviour like my son?
Posted: Sun Jul 22, 2007 1:07 am
by bengal_tiger
If you can find one thing that interests him, please expose him to
it and give him all your support. It could be music, painting, any craft,
or a sport that he likes. Anything. Sometimes, these little things can lead
to a lifelong passion. Often, there is no fire in the belly,
not because the fire is missing, but the belly is.
Our world is too fast moving, but its not necessary that everyone moving
fast wins. Do you know, Albert Einstein used to sleep for 12 hours
a night. Here is an excerpt I found about him on the web:
Einstein was passionate about the ethical treatment of individuals who
are different, perhaps because as a child he was so different from other
children and so discriminated against. Even in his prime, he required 12
hours of sleep a night, a handicapping condition in our work-oriented
society. He wrote, ?We must not only tolerate differences between
individuals and between groups, but we should indeed welcome them and
look upon them as an enriching of our existence. Without tolerance in this
widest sense, there can be no question of true morality.
I am sure that your son is just fine, though if you are planning to
have a psychologist or psychiatrist evaluate him, I would strongly
recommend seeing one when you visit India. Somehow, I have felt
that in western society, such doctors always have one hand
on a prescription-pad, Indian doctors are still very old school,
which in my opinion is very good in this case.
I agree with other posts that exposing him to competition in
India might exactly do the opposite of what you intend.
Have you come across children behaviour like my son?
Posted: Sun Jul 22, 2007 4:45 am
by taan ta taan
Fristly thanks for your valuable replies. Yes, I do feel like taking him to psychologist. They may identify why he doesn't feel anything when he looses out.
Another incidence happened yesterday was, two of our neighbor families said their sons got yearly results/grades, and they got it all 'A' grades... which I believe might be true as they are bit clever.
My son heard all that, I explained him he has to work hard otherwise he falls behind etc... etc... He was concentrating on somewhere else...and then later started playing.:confused: It looks funny. But I feel he should change.
I will R2I next year, if things doesn't work out then I will return as we all have citizenship here. I feel like giving a try as this is the time he shouldn't miss his academics etc. But if anybody know approach or ways that can make him think and change please tell me. I will try that.:emteeth:
Thanks again
Have you come across children behaviour like my son?
Posted: Sun Jul 22, 2007 5:07 am
by cadude
I sort of think its a slow reward response mechanism.
I have/had this problem too. I was generally good in studies. But somehow my brain did not register the seriousness of most situations (not that I intentionally wanted to. Believe me, I have been screwed a lot in life because of this).
Even now, if I have an apointment with someone really important abotu something really important and I know it will ruin my career etc,. I go 10 minutes late to the meeting because the intensity of thoughts required to
understand that you will be really really screwed is not there.
Again,m its not intentional. I just dont feel the strong need to be on time even though I know I could loose my job over this. Same when I was in college/engg. I would study what I wanted, what I was interested in. For a boring computer architecture exam, I would spend the previous day and night studying JAva internals 'coz I thought it was really cool and barely pass the exam on the next day. its not about being lazy. The brain just does not understand the seriousness of the situation. Its beyond comprehension, to tell u the truth.
Sometimes I feel its just not in my hands. But then, such is the vagary of life. On the other hand, if its something I Really like, I can go to great heights to achieve perfection which explains why I have survived till now. I'm 30+.
I have not been to any psychiatrist etc. etc. I have sort of "self-shrinked" myself :-) until now.
Anyway, just of thought of letting you know that there are other people like
your kid who have still survived in this world.
Have you come across children behaviour like my son?
Posted: Sun Jul 22, 2007 6:23 am
by DoctorJ
taan ta taan;35186 But if anybody know approach or ways that can make him think and change please tell me. I will try that.:emteeth: [/quote]
OP,
To start with, there seems to be a sense of despair in the way you view your/son's situation. So, I'd like to suggest that you not lose heart - unlike some of us, perhaps your son is really blessed and is destined for better things in life (I truly hope he is...wish I had learnt to gaze at a crystal ball to confirm). At a later date, you'll probably wonder why you bothered so much.
In any case here's what I think of the situation...
[LIST=1]
Personally, I don't think you should be making big time life changing decisions for yourself and rest of the family solely based on the worry you seem to have for your son. I hope not - but for some reason, if things don't workout I'd rather not want you to hold your son responsible for your act/decision.
I wouldn't buy into the thought of "pressure or intensity of competition in India" having an adverse effect (specially if the current situation is not having any). On the other hand, I've seen change in location, lifestyle and habits doing wonders to many insensitive souls.
I'd subscribe to member CD's thoughts in #3 in conjunction with member BT's thoughts in #6 (although specialized professionals like Child Psychologists are well read and better qualified in the western world, they don't seem to get involved emotionally and charge by the hour - something I hate in such situations where time and patience is of essence). This will help two fold...
Double check to make sure the child is normal - else he is in professional care.
Give you a comfortable feeling and satisfaction that you are living up to your responsibility.
I love the gist of member ihdnanna's post in #4. In continuation of my thought that your son is normal, I'd like to think he is another "Lambi race ka Ghoda" or just charging up enough for the challenges/struggles of life ahead. Trust me - I've seen wonders in real life. And, when your son gets started, in all possibility you'll start praying that your son slowed down just a little bit.
On a side note (no offense intended), I think you are just being a stereo-type Indian parent expecting too much out of his/her child at a very young age and also branding him as "slow and inadequate". It's been a while now...but I remember it was Stephen Covey in his book "The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People" (unless I'm terribly mistaken) who had written a little bit about his (along with wife) experience with his son. If this is the case, you might want to look deep within yourselves and reconsider your own approach.[/LIST]Please note that my post (above) is qualified only by general observation, worldly wisdom (if any) and life time experiences.
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Love, faith, patience and hardwork will do wonders to anybody over a period of time...have you invested enough of it? -DJ :cool:
Have you come across children behaviour like my son?
Posted: Mon Jul 23, 2007 9:11 am
by doesntMatter
here are a fe thoughts. take them for what they are worth. i can talk and think this way bcos i'm not emotionally involved and can think from a distance. also, i have no kids of my own, another limitation in understanding a parent's anguish.
why do we try to mould everyone arround us in the image we like (i also do this). as an analogy, if ur son is intended to be a tall coconut tree and u want him to be a strong mango tree will u succeed ? is it worth the pain and the tension ? will ur effort help him be a wonderful coconut tree that he is intended to be ? (mind u i'm not talking fate here)
i believe each one of us is truly unique and wonderful and if we are accepted as we are, we can grow naturally into wonderful flowers (isn't that poetic and romantic). reading ur post makes me feel how wonderful, he seems to be serene, calm and confident. y pull him into a rat race that no one can beat.
does not getting an A take away the unique strengths and vitues of ur son ? does it make him any less of an individual ? are we the sum total of our grades and achievements or is there more to life ? doesn't it take a whole lot of confiedence to not be motivated by other's approvals and competition and be oneself ?
Action plan:
i wud urge to to accept him as he is, expose him to as many wonderful things in life as possible and see where he wants to head. dont do this with tension, anxiety and urge to see him succeed. doesn't mean that u should take a passive approach to his upbringing. if u r concerned, have him evaluated to ensure he is normal again normal normal and not ur version of competitive normal (hope i made sense) i.e., normal IQ, normal development of mind and intellect.
i appologize if i have offended u, not my intensio but just another way 2 look at things.