r2i forum

1)I love to have people around me but like to keep boundaries.
2)Have only mother and an elder brother back in India.Rest of the family,cousins etc are located in the USA
3)Never was super social.Had few good friends back in India but all relocated.Some lost the connect.Even if I go to India,need to make new friends.
4)Feeling of independence in commute,privacy,keeping boundaries in USA is something I love.However,bouts of loneliness.India seems to be changing,so assuming places like bangalore,hyderabad is more mordern..less interference.
6) Even if i go back,will be around 40 years of age with two kids..how easy is it to start a social life at that age back in India?Do people find time to go out with friends in weekends?
7) husband will be well over 45..how easy it is to find a solid job back in India.He is doing quite well here and is here for more than 18 years.so is it safe to assume,his salary will par or be atleast 60 percent of what one would earn?
8)If that is the case,can enjoy all the brands,amenities, luxuries,vacations being in India itself.
9)I will be a homemaker and don't know how easy is it for women to find a job after going to India after 40.some jobs ads in India specify age??
10)I am quite sensitive but I think I am better than before..
11) In many ways,going back to India will be financially and family wise a grade lesser in our case.BUT..

THE BIG QUESTION?

have thought about everything else..done all permutations and combinations.For me,life is better in the USA BUT coming back for

1)SENSE OF BELONGING
2)FEELING SECURE
3)NO LONELINESS
4)VIBRANT AND FEELING COMPLETE



Is the above worth leaving everything else?If i have to think practically..I will say USA but if i want to say "living by your heart and feeling alive"..I will say India.
Don't know which way to go..even if i r2i..will be a failure or success?

Hi archana

Everyone goes through the same phase, I was in your situation couple of years back

Getting a job is not that easy, but not impossible, depends on your hubbys skill set and sector in which he is working in.

luckily for me wifey got a job easy and kids adjusted well, but i couldnt find something suitable.

in india life is a bit different, unlike UK or USA.

I would say if u want to do it do it now and what will happen worst is you may have to move back.

I have seen people who are here and who have lost their siblings and parents and they dont feel like going back.

If your better half gets a job, may be then you can look into the options, without that it may be lil tough.

S

Forget r2i. lia only option for you. Be happy in US.

If you r2i (a colossal mistake it will be) I can tell with 90% percent certainty you will r2A in max 2-3 yrs.

Only coming to India and suffering can cure your Indophilia. Unfortunately, in this case, the cure is worse than the disease.

Archana935;6580071)

Is the above worth leaving everything else?If i have to think practically..I will say USA but if i want to say "living by your heart and feeling alive"..I will say India.
Don't know which way to go..even if i r2i..will be a failure or success?

Archana, first of all, I want to mention that I can and I am sure many members here can relate to your situation and empathize with you. You, me and many others in this forum fall into this category of thinking too much about decisions, a lot of the people that successfully R2I'd are not part of this forum or even heard of this forum. Not a vote against rational thinking or decision making but I feel that people who do not think too much about the pros and cons have an easier time making the decision, either to be here in the US or to go back to India. I literally question myself many times whether I belong here even though I havent been questioned by others. I also think whether I will belong in India if I R2I. However, I have many friends who I feel do not fit here in the US Culture but they do not seem to have any issues with a feeling of lack of belonging. I am no Psychologist but offering this advice since I believe I think similar to how you think. My assertion is that your decision is complicated and there is no right or wrong, failure or success. You are trying to come here to get your thoughts and decisions validated by the intelligent people here in this forum. However, I feel this is not a black or white decision. You are going to feel deprived whether you live here in the US or go to India, because it is not a perfect condition. Dont aim for perfection in your current situation. Therefore, the first thing you need to fix is your mind. It’s easy to become caught up in our thoughts and perhaps feeling powerless. Most of these thoughts are your mind worrying or ruminating, or planning to avoid problems. Essentially, this means that the majority of our thoughts are a constant negating force in our body-mind; they rob us of energy and mental peace, overthinking leads to wrong decision or confusion. Make peace with your mind. If you are going to be here in the US, try to see what you can do to have a better sense of belonging, move to a place like New Jersey, Bay Area or Dallas, which may be more vibrant. If you move to India, follow your heart and be a fighter, you will enjoy it. Dont allow people to tell you they can predict the outcome of your decisions. It is easy for me to say this because that is what I am telling myself. I myself have other constraints which may force with one way or other. However, if you dont have specific constraints that force you to be in one place, you are going to be ok in either place, you just need to train your mind. Good luck.

Archana935;658007
Is the above worth leaving everything else?If i have to think practically..I will say USA but if i want to say "living by your heart and feeling alive"..I will say India.
Don't know which way to go..even if i r2i..will be a failure or success?

You can feel alive in America too. Very likely this inner loneliness is nothing but midlife crisis. When you are well stellated in your life your brain crave for something else. For guys extra martial affairs generally start after 40s only? :))

In your case surrounding must be playing role. If your location is Boston, that?s pathetic place to live. Your winters are horrible. This can be change. You don?t have to go all the way to India. Come two states down to NJ, and you should be fine. I am not sure how you can miss India in NJ or say west coast. It appears your India connection is not that strong. In that case Move to NJ-DC surrounding area. Your life will change big time. You have to find something which motivates you at this age. If you are sitting at home ( I don?t know you are working or not), that?s the disaster (Khali Dimaag Shetan Ka Ghar) --- Empty mind is devils workshop.

Few years back my wife was going thru similar situation. Well she was not depressed, but she has to go thru some rough time. She came out very well. She is working woman, but she loved classical music from childhood. I encourage her to learn classical music from School. Now she is learning music and she loves it, she found large like minded people in her music school and now they meet every other weekends, top of that she has very large friend circle in my community where all Indian ladies goes for dinner/movies in every other weekends in summer. She made some very good close friend out of this group. Bottom-line few years back she was sitting on my head every weekend now we both are happy. :) I don?t need any friends, I am fine in my own world, plus I have large family presence here.

Bottom-line you can change your situation by taking few steps. You don?t have to go all the way to India.

Also I have read your few posts, it is very likely that you are depressed and you are not aware of it. You don?t need to pop pills like Americans but if you are depressed its not a big deal but first you have to accept that, and work towards fixing that situation. Once situation changes your gloomy thoughts will go away? Also possible that at your age hormone has start playing their role?

India may or may not change your situation, but if you are not an outgoing person, then you will back to R2i forum from some high raise apartment of Bangalore or Hyd?. Then what will you do?

Its appear you have spent enough years in US, IMO it?s time to build your base in US now?.

My 2 cents...

Archana935;6580071)

Is the above worth leaving everything else?If i have to think practically..I will say USA but if i want to say "living by your heart and feeling alive"..I will say India.
Don't know which way to go..even if i r2i..will be a failure or success?

Archana, first of all, I want to mention that I can and I am sure many members here can relate to your situation and empathize with you. You, me and many others in this forum fall into this category of thinking too much about decisions, a lot of the people that successfully R2I'd are not part of this forum or even heard of this forum. Not a vote against rational thinking or decision making but I feel that people who do not think too much about the pros and cons have an easier time making the decision, either to be here in the US or to go back to India. I literally question myself many times whether I belong here even though I havent been questioned by others. I also think whether I will belong in India if I R2I. However, I have many friends who I feel do not fit here in the US Culture but they do not seem to have any issues with a feeling of lack of belonging. I am no Psychologist but offering this advice since I believe I think similar to how you think. My assertion is that your decision is complicated and there is no right or wrong, failure or success. You are trying to come here to get your thoughts and decisions validated by the intelligent people here in this forum. However, I feel this is not a black or white decision. You are going to feel deprived whether you live here in the US or go to India, because it is not a perfect condition. Dont aim for perfection in your current situation. Therefore, the first thing you need to fix is your mind. It?s easy to become caught up in our thoughts and perhaps feeling powerless. Most of these thoughts are your mind worrying or ruminating, or planning to avoid problems. Essentially, this means that the majority of our thoughts are a constant negating force in our body-mind; they rob us of energy and mental peace, overthinking leads to wrong decision or confusion. Make peace with your mind. If you are going to be here in the US, try to see what you can do to have a better sense of belonging, move to a place like New Jersey, Bay Area or Dallas, which may be more vibrant. If you move to India, follow your heart and be a fighter, you will enjoy it. Dont allow people to tell you they can predict the outcome of your decisions. It is easy for me to say this because that is what I am telling myself. I myself have other constraints which may force with one way or other. However, if you dont have specific constraints that force you to be in one place, you are going to be ok in either place, you just need to train your mind. Good luck.

How about you ask your husband to first look for a job. That itself will answer your question, because from everything I know, for most people, getting an equivalent job with similar work environment and disposable income is next to impossible.

Unsolicited advise, you can ignore this: I think you need to go out of the house and meet people. Get into reading habit and join a book club. or join a walking group. or join some yoga classes. It will change your outlook.

Archana935;6580071)I love to have people around me but like to keep boundaries.
2)Have only mother and an elder brother back in India.Rest of the family,cousins etc are located in the USA
3)Never was super social.Had few good friends back in India but all relocated.Some lost the connect.Even if I go to India,need to make new friends.
4)Feeling of independence in commute,privacy,keeping boundaries in USA is something I love.However,bouts of loneliness.India seems to be changing,so assuming places like bangalore,hyderabad is more mordern..less interference.
6) Even if i go back,will be around 40 years of age with two kids..how easy is it to start a social life at that age back in India?Do people find time to go out with friends in weekends?
7) husband will be well over 45..how easy it is to find a solid job back in India.He is doing quite well here and is here for more than 18 years.so is it safe to assume,his salary will par or be atleast 60 percent of what one would earn?
8)If that is the case,can enjoy all the brands,amenities, luxuries,vacations being in India itself.
9)I will be a homemaker and don't know how easy is it for women to find a job after going to India after 40.some jobs ads in India specify age??
10)I am quite sensitive but I think I am better than before..
11) In many ways,going back to India will be financially and family wise a grade lesser in our case.BUT..

THE BIG QUESTION?

have thought about everything else..done all permutations and combinations.For me,life is better in the USA BUT coming back for

1)SENSE OF BELONGING
2)FEELING SECURE
3)NO LONELINESS
4)VIBRANT AND FEELING COMPLETE



Is the above worth leaving everything else?If i have to think practically..I will say USA but if i want to say "living by your heart and feeling alive"..I will say India.
Don't know which way to go..even if i r2i..will be a failure or success?

I am in same age group as you but have slightly older kids than you (because I married early and had kids early)..

I too was obsessed with R2I from 2007-2014 (I became member here in 2011).. But my MIL's death in 2014 changed my yearning.. My DH didn't want to R2I as he doesn't have very friendly relationship with his brother/father.. Nothing alarming but they are just aloof...My parents are happy with my sisters who are all in India.. To avoid me being left out, I go to India every 6 months and spend some time with them and I contribute financially for their comfort and they are happy with this arrangement.. If they become too fragile/senile, I have let them know that I will take care of them like rest of the sisters...

Like Lakshya says, moving to warmer places in US helps partially as it is proven that depressing thoughts partly stem from depressing weather..

Come to west coast Bay area, we can form circles like Lakshya's wife :)

BTW your posts and threads remind me of ami.. in famous ladies forum.. You are fun there with fashion/latest dresses etc , be that way here too :).. FFTI..

You are right:)

I completely know that i will still be a loner back in india.It takes a long time to warm up to people.However,India seems to be a lot of fun with people being active and doing lot of fun things.Facebook and instagram plays a major role in my R2I.. ha ha :)

Jokes aside,I just love to get lost in a crowd.Need lots of people around me but just acquaintances.Just going to the mall and movies are fun.American temples do not even come close to our Indian temples.Food is a whole different story etc etc..

I have to admit nostalgia and the quiteness around me stirs me r2i thoughts..
Wish the heart and mind parallels...