r2i forum

Agree with member Umang completely.

From repeated thread by OP, revolving around the same topic, it seems that OP might be suffering from subtle depression or dysthymia (very mild, but persistent symptoms more than 2 years). Though I am a child neurologist and not psychiatrist, I have seen few such cases, mainly in adolescent age group. The reasons might be different. But milder symptoms of subtle depression can go unnoticed for a long time.

Having gone through the same stage in USA, I can completely relate to OP's thoughts. I was more or less in similar situation when I was home, preparing for USMLEs, prior to residency. Once I was residency, I became so busy, managing work and home that I did not have time to think about anything else.

The thought that I am doing something productive, made me feel better. But the feeling that "something is missing" in spite of having everything' was always there. Fortunately, me and DH, both were on same page regarding r2i and we moved immediately after my graduation. Its 1 year post r2i and I question myself, Am I happy now? Yes, I am happy for being close to family, enjoying great social life, for the 'sense of belonging' and just for being in India. But at the same time, I am not happy about my work, my earnings in spite of having a good earning potential, not having work life balance, and daily stresses in Indian life (traffic, pollution etc).

The point I want to make is, you may never be satisfied aka "grass is always greener on the other side". Like the quote: "Happiness is not an option, It's a choice". I am trying my best to follow this. But, its very easy to tell others, and difficult to follow. One has to make conscious efforts for the same.

So OP, I think you should seek help, get yourself evaluated and try counselling. Agree with Umang, face to face interaction is very important which you will never get on online forums. Try to make conscious efforts to spend your time. You may start looking for work, social service, service at temples, volunteering in kids school, reading, cooking, baking, learning things which interest you, yoga, meditation and consciously diverting your thoughts. Remember, people will only support you. But YOU have to help yourself.

....."Hubby just does not want to move back and him going out with this friends on and off is enough to make me jealous on my own husband.Not that it is his mistake.A very nice guy and who is helpful and supports me in every way.Except that he does not want to move to India.I feel so stressed that I have started seeing India through youtube.That became my entertainment actually.It makes me feel even worse as the videos depict how life has changed and how modern,happy people are living there.Though many IL's try to portray the reality..it is stressful..The beautiful homes, lifestyle people own are no less that what we have in USA.Again,I am not saying India has become awesome,I do know the flaws but I feel more alive in India.

I seriously feel I have wasted so many years living in this country.It has actually started to suffocate me..Not that I am going to go back.That door has closed.thanks to my husband.The only way I can leave is divorce him which I won't".....

From your above post, it looks like r2i may not be an option as your DH does not want to move back and you want to stay together as family. Finally, I want to mention "The Serenity prayer",written by the American theologian Reinhold Niebuhr. The best known form is:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference!

Good luck in everything whatever you choose to do.

I would suggest you should ignore the tone, its hard to know those anyways in written text by foreign language speakers.

I may have been a bit annoyed by people suggesting that we should try to solve first world problems by going through some family problems.

Life feels like Zombie can be a state of mind. To solve that, drifting away from family is not a good solution, IMO.

If her family is on board, I am 100% with her that they should definitely try R2I to see if that will make everyone happy.
But her spouse may not be interested to deal with the hassle of working in India. And I dont blame him, based on everything I have read about working conditions in India, if given a choice, I would not do it.

I am also kind of speaking from experience. I have no relatives or family members in USA. Career kind of sucks and I am bored to the bones, would love to take the next flight to India to be with my extended family members and do something on my own time. But there is a bitch called as "living expenses", which needs lots of planning not hasty decision.

In the meanwhile to keep me interested, I am trying out different things like playing a sport like Raquetball/Tennis. Maybe I will go and learn some musical instruments. Maybe I will join some like minded groups. Maybe I will finally start working on my hobby projects.

If everyone on this forum, had $2million in savings or a nice job offer, and R2I was their bug, I will suggest them to take the next flight to see if thats what will make them happy.

r2i_cbe;659187Yes, I read the post completely but was not writing a detailed post due to unavailability of time. Also, I was not suggesting OP to R2I without the family.
Here is what it comes down to
- No matter which option this family takes, someone in the family might be unhappy.
- Based on the OP's post, she has clearly analyzed her life in the US and feels like a zombie in her own words. This is an extreme case for anyone to live their life. Of course, all options need to be considered which includes what the LIA members are suggesting. But there are many posts from the same OP along the same lines which indicates the only medicine for her is to try R2I and if it fails, come back with clarity. No pain, no gain.
- The real question is whether the husband and the kids will like R2I but that can only be answered after R2I and hence it's early to say that it won't work.
- In my case, except me, my wife and son were against R2I but I convinced them and they were half minded. Now they are extremely happy and wouldn't come back to the US.
- It all comes down to the sacrifice one has to make to their spouse to make them happy. If that is not possible, I fully understand that nothing will happen.
- This was the reason why I chose to post it since I thought I have some real data points.

But looking at the tone of your post (and most other members), this is why, we chose not to participate in these kinds of discussions.

OP, I fail to understand, why haven't you been to India ever after marriage? Why why why? My wife has been facing some of the similar symptoms like you but in her case it is a bit of medical also. Last 2 years we have been going to India every 6 months and my wife and daughter extend their stays and I come back in 1 or 2 weeks. Also my wife is very very close with her parents, relatives and friends. She talks with them for hours so she is almost like living virtually in India.

Why can't you do all this?

Sent from my Redmi Note 4 using Tapatalk

OP was looking for examples of how life will be with family/kids in India. All the suggestions you have got is to try and make the best of your situation without feeling 'trapped' and I agree with those suggestions. If R2I is not an option, then how does it make a difference knowing if your social life is going to be any better in India? In fact if you get replies like 'I am in India, my life is awesome' then it will only make you feel even more miserable about something you cannot change! So I agree with above suggestion, you need to start making changes and help yourself.
Anyway here is my India experience anyway - I am not sure about social life when you are not working, but for us, with 2 working parents, I forgot what social life is for the year and half I was there! Our days would be typically outside from 7AM - 7 PM with kids off to school and then back in day care until I got home to pick them up (9 hour work day with 2.5 hr commute back and forth). Unlike in US, the day-cares are open till 8 in India as majority cannot get home by 5-6 in the evening. Once we got back, it would be a mad dash to get cooking, homeworks, dinner and putting kids to bed. Then both me and my hubby would hop on calls with clients. So weekend we would be dying to just stay home and not do anything! Going out to mall felt like torture in that bad traffic and kids would get antsy in the car. We had no family in that town. I made a few friends in the apartment but then I didn't have much time or energy to socialize. But things could be very different if you are in your home town and have relatives and friends close by and if you don't work outside! Someone else in that situation need to give you an idea. But for me life in US is great, I get a much better work/life balance.. great job with interaction with my colleagues and time to interact with neighbors and friends during evenings and weekends and lots of family time.

I do go to India for vacations and they are awesome!! That's the problem :)
But I have to admit when I go there,I do not have any responsibilities or chores..Plus I stay at my mom's place.I have few friends there who are willing to go out a lot with me there!So I hang out in the nicest of places when Iam there on a vacation..go to movies at least two times a week there and so on..I even take trips to Goa and places like there and when I come back to USA and have no social life, it feels tough

There is no need to apologize :)You were just trying to help.I used to work and I intend to resume work again sometime soon..

For me, more than anything else..one thought occurs often..

"What will I do after kids finish school and leave?The empty nest syndrome will be severe in America.I won't have a social circle or network and will be lonely.As it is, for many when they are younger, working and have a good friend's circle..they are still contemplating to r2i.what about people like me?"

By that time,I won't have any network nor can I leave my kids and move back to India.I will die old and lonely..

I know an elderly couple who came in the 80's and now live alone in Long Island.They even retire to bed around 7 in the evening and all day they are at home..Maybe they are happy but I found that lonely and depressing.


Too early to think about old age but scared and insecure to be alone...what if I am stuck here forever?

Again,I repeat just like my other threads, there are zillion Indians living in America and they seem very happy and not everyone wants to r2i.I do not know the percentage of people who are in this forum but one thing for sure is not all the Indians in America are in this forum.

My mind seem to be playing tricks with me

Actually,I am planning to book a small vacation to India and yes..the thought did not occur but maybe..I need to seek counseling..
Yes,I am not myself but I never let it deter my priorities..but I am going to seek a counsellor.

Archana935;659230 I am going to seek a counsellor.

Best decision you could ever make.

Counselling plus regular trips to India shall help you cope with your situation.

Plenty of exercise, fresh fruit, exposure to sunlight and/or Vitamin D supplements can also help.

I am glad you are thinking on this path. I am hoping a counselor will at least clear your mind since actual solution is kind of hard.

One suggestion I have for you is: If possible think about the scenario where India is not going to happen, what is your plan for that?

It maybe very difficult but I suggest you should think about working seriously, it maybe a long and hard path but maybe that will be a challenge to your brain to keep it engaged. See if you would like to become a school teacher?

Other option would be to find, ways homemakers stay happy without going to work...

If my spouse was earning enough to support me staying at home, I would spend an 1-2 hours staying fit. Will work on managing investment. For socializing I will try to find group fitness, yoga or Zumba. Maybe I will also try to join a like minded group like Atheist or Humanist or some alternate economics group. Or some book reading club. Oh well, snap, time to stop dreaming :)

But my theory is, we dont need other people to be happy. Family is enough for me.

As per my observation, our brain gets bored and it needs constant distraction/entertainment. That has been a constant pain to me since I dont like any TV shows or most of the movies. Thanks to Tennis, I have something to watch these days. Maybe football season will keep things interesting.

Archana935;659230Actually,I am planning to book a small vacation to India and yes..the thought did not occur but maybe..I need to seek counseling..
Yes,I am not myself but I never let it deter my priorities..but I am going to seek a counsellor.

Social life is one of the main plus points for anyone to R2I! If you can land a job, life in the modern apt complexes are fun, engaging and fulfilling! Beats the daily humdum of life!

But without a job, getting a gig at 35+ could be a challenge in India, and India is expensive especially for one with NRI taste, no matter how simple they live! NRI simple ain't same as the real Indian simple!