r2i forum

I and wifey are on board to move to India. For many years, I had job issues so couldn't move earlier. But now, I have a good opportunity since my company is opening a new division in India and will happily let me go. Problem is, my older kid is almost 13 and doesn't want to move. The mere talk of it makes her break out in tears since she will miss her friends etc. She is happy to come for a vacation, but doesn't want to move. The thought is, she could do 8th to 12th in India and join UG in the US.

1. Has anyone had experience convincing older kids to move?
2. How easy/difficult is it to do UG in the US after high school in India? we are not aiming for Ivy League type schools, but any decent university is fine.

Why do I want to move? Just the standard reasons - indianizing kids, experiencing the liveliness of india etc...

You should understand the mindset of your teen and her apprehensions.Talk to her and understand what her expectations are .Even if she is not averse , I would be very concerned about the kid moving and adjusting at that age.It's a different world altogether.You should have decided 2- 3 years back if you were really interested to make the move ideally.

Answering to your 2nd question , it depends .If you are coming from CBSE background and talking about science and Math and have gone thru the grill of preparing for IIT /NEET exams , then academically the student will find things very easy in US.Also that grind will make them detail oriented and hard worker unlike the easy attitude that the students have here.

News Flash....Dad got transferred to India on 3 year assignment.

Once in India, Kids adapt quick. There was some drama when we announced to our 14 year old that she and her mom will move to Bangalore after Middle school, 3 years ago. Now the kid is getting ready to apply for college in US but wants to explore college options in other countries too.

my kiddo on same boat but since we showed him international school videos and he is ok but not completely happy but I am sure he will be fine when he spends 6 months .because I know about my son .several of my friends did that and all kids came back here for college but after intial cribbing every kid was fine

chunkeymonkey;676385Why do I want to move? Just the standard reasons - indianizing kids, experiencing the liveliness of india etc...

Indianizing kids? But why? Why make them go through a process you'd been happy to skip if company had not opened division in India? Why? Why?

Why do 8th to 12th in India only to uproot her again and bring her to US. Just doesnt make sense. If I were you, I would do everything possible to reduce disruption for my family. You are like creating disruption for your family.

chunkeymonkey;676385
1. Has anyone had experience convincing older kids to move?
2. How easy/difficult is it to do UG in the US after high school in India? we are not aiming for Ivy League type schools, but any decent university is fine.

Why do I want to move? Just the standard reasons - indianizing kids, experiencing the liveliness of india etc...

experiencing liveliness of india, being close to extended family - especially if you have no relatives in US - is a reason i can relate to. Indianizing could mean different things to different people. Probably, if traditional family values are strong, they may have few things to learn from it. But don't count on it.

Ignore the comments in earlier posts that question your decision to move. Take a firm decision and forge ahead. it is an experience that adds value to you and your family/kid in some ways, I wouldn't call it disruption. Things could be disruptive even if you just stay put in US, one never knows what the future holds.

To convince older kid to move - you need to hear their concerns and see how you can mitigate or address them. Ask your kid to come up with list of things she would like to see fulfilled to make her move smooth - and make her feel comfortable. It could be like following
- finding good school she is comfortable with (visit few schools and provide data points and guide her to make informed decision - do not force school choice),
- finding friends - important. Find community through network etc where there are families/kids with similar background. In places like Bangalore this is easy.
- See how you can fulfill hobbies if your kid has any. Find out what are things that your kid wants to have that you could not do in US for whaever reason, but you can do now- for ex. a puppy.

a visit to the place to explore above and expose kid to those and make her feel good about the move is a good approach. It works.

indian;676981experiencing liveliness of india, being close to extended family - especially if you have no relatives in US - is a reason i can relate to. Indianizing could mean different things to different people. Probably, if traditional family values are strong, they may have few things to learn from it. But don't count on it.

Ignore the comments in earlier posts that question your decision to move. Take a firm decision and forge ahead. it is an experience that adds value to you and your family/kid in some ways, I wouldn't call it disruption. Things could be disruptive even if you just stay put in US, one never knows what the future holds.

To convince older kid to move - you need to hear their concerns and see how you can mitigate or address them. Ask your kid to come up with list of things she would like to see fulfilled to make her move smooth - and make her feel comfortable. It could be like following
- finding good school she is comfortable with (visit few schools and provide data points and guide her to make informed decision - do not force school choice),
- finding friends - important. Find community through network etc where there are families/kids with similar background. In places like Bangalore this is easy.
- See how you can fulfill hobbies if your kid has any. Find out what are things that your kid wants to have that you could not do in US for whaever reason, but you can do now- for ex. a puppy.

a visit to the place to explore above and expose kid to those and make her feel good about the move is a good approach. It works.

If you feel so strongly about India, you must move there once for all. Why create disruptions for your kid by trying to eat the cake and have it too? In the end you will have nothing but confused kids. Just move to India and then let your kids decide if they want to move abroad for their education. Don't decide it for them in advance.

wd40;677036If you feel so strongly about India, you must move there once for all. Why create disruptions for your kid by trying to eat the cake and have it too? In the end you will have nothing but confused kids. Just move to India and then let your kids decide if they want to move abroad for their education. Don't decide it for them in advance.

Your comment is totally orthogonal to my comment, unless you quoted it by mistake. Did my comment say anywhere about parents deciding for kids in advance?

On disruption comment - you seem to look at it as glass half empty, I am looking at is as half full. What is common to our comments is letting kids decide what they want to do when they grow up.

Each kid is different. No one solution applies to all kids. This is where parents need to understand their kids and take suitable approach. Teenage kids may not have sufficient life experience to make their own decisions, but agreed they have formed their opinions based on their limited life experience, but need parental guidance. For some kids it may be disruption, for others it may not be. This is where parents need to understand their kids. In the end it is about giving them exposure and when they become old enough to make their decisions, they can make informed decision. I can't prescribe my approach as be all solution to everyone. It is just one data point, same way I can't say your remark on 'create disruption' applies to all. Comment on trying to eat cake and have it too is totally out of context and meaningless.

To add, it is also not as simple as above, lot of other factors come into play each unique to each family. For ex. if you don't have any relatives in US and you went there for few years with intent to return ( and caught in x+1 syndrome), then you are not helping your kid by letting him/her grow up there and settle alone when rest of all extended family is in India. It may be good for kid in teen/college years, but at later stage in life, the kid may have much difficult time staying alone in US (even if he/she has his own family). Loneliness can kill (Google for loneliness in America). It depends on your and kids genetic makeup and how social they are to assimilate, it is not template that can be applied to all kids. Mid life crisis can lead to havoc in kids life and you may not be around to see that or help with that. Again, this is a possibility and may seem hypothetical and far fetched, but very much possible. You know your genes and family history more then anyone on this anonymous forum.

But I think ( you may disagree) giving exposure to living in India prepares the kid well to live anywhere - US or India or elsewhere. That choice is left to the kid, when the kid is mature enough to make decisions, just like we are doing today to LII or R2I. For a teenager - they have opinions and preferences, but not mature enough to take such life decisions. As parent, it is our responsibility to prepare them for the future. What does 'prepare' mean ? It has different meaning for each of us. Each family/kid is different, what works for one doesn't work for other.

Use the data points and personalize to your family situation and take 'your' decision.

indian;676981experiencing liveliness of india, being close to extended family - especially if you have no relatives in US - is a reason i can relate to. Indianizing could mean different things to different people. Probably, if traditional family values are strong, they may have few things to learn from it. But don't count on it.

Ignore the comments in earlier posts that question your decision to move. Take a firm decision and forge ahead. it is an experience that adds value to you and your family/kid in some ways, I wouldn't call it disruption. Things could be disruptive even if you just stay put in US, one never knows what the future holds.

To convince older kid to move - you need to hear their concerns and see how you can mitigate or address them. Ask your kid to come up with list of things she would like to see fulfilled to make her move smooth - and make her feel comfortable. It could be like following
- finding good school she is comfortable with (visit few schools and provide data points and guide her to make informed decision - do not force school choice),
- finding friends - important. Find community through network etc where there are families/kids with similar background. In places like Bangalore this is easy.
- See how you can fulfill hobbies if your kid has any. Find out what are things that your kid wants to have that you could not do in US for whaever reason, but you can do now- for ex. a puppy.

a visit to the place to explore above and expose kid to those and make her feel good about the move is a good approach. It works.

Agreed. I always find it amusing that people want to move back to India so they can "Indianize" their kids, without realizing that their efforts are most likely futile as India is shifting in a sense. You just cannot raise children in this world the same exact way you grew up as it is a different generation and different time. They will certainly experience the culture and so forth, which is good in a way that they will learn to embrace a different culture, but you cannot expect them to live like previous generations. It is their choice at the end what they want to take from the experience. I have two cousins who lived in India for a few years and yes they learned the customs, traditions and are fluent in the language, but they nowhere being "Indianized". They view themselves as Americans still and adopt a Western mentality more than a Indian one. So like you said, do not bank on it.

However, I do think moving to a place that has a surrounding she is familiar with will help tons. Tier 1 cities like Delhi, Bangalore or Mumbai will definitely help the transition much easier than a rural location. Reason is because kids growing up there are not that much different from American born Desis IMO, and she would be able to relate to them in some ways and can connect to them much easier (only thing she just got to adapt to the hustle life and such). I have few friends who are from India originally but grew up in these areas, and I don't find that much difference between them and I. We certainly can connect and relate easily.

Best of luck! Hopefully your daughter will like it there in the long run!