r2i forum

This is going to be a difficult post for me to type, but I am forced to seek help from the women in this forum. With your experience living in the US, raising children and working, I hope to receive some direction as to how to chart out my own future. If however, it is not the norm for this forum to comment on such inter personal issues, kindly ignore this post and thread.

I got married about 2.5 years ago and came to the US on the H4 visa. We had met once before our marriage, in India and three months later we were married. You can say that it was an arranged marriage, even though we are from different religions and were raised with different value systems (online matrimony website was how he connected with my father initially) I started working nine months after coming to the US (presently on my H1B visa) and very recently got my driver's license. At present I am comfortable driving by myself to close by known places. The past two years have been tough marriage-wise and my motivation to work and driving came as a result of wanting to be financially independent, should things not improve on the marriage front. It would be wrong to say that they have not improved, they have improved, but not enough for me to see a future in this yet. I am currently posed with a choice between continuing on like this for years, hoping things will improve over time (traditional wisdom imparted by more experienced women) or starting off fresh and this time being more careful with my decisions and really getting to know a person before I let things proceed any further (we don't have any kids). Frankly, I am tending towards the latter because at my age (29), I probably still have a 'chance' (an assumption, which can be corrected by you). Let me summarize what I think is going wrong from my perspective and why my thoughts are like this:

a. People marry for a reason, but I have always been confused why my husband got married. He does not really need me in his life for anything (not a rant, coming from real observations). Since our marriage, we have been sleeping separately. This habit initially started out because of excessive snoring and I being a light sleeper, often went to a separate room if my sleep got disturbed. Apart from the snoring, there was nothing much going on to make it seem logical for us to be together at night time.. he is in a habit of lying on his side of the bed and falling asleep while doing some meditation. I cried myself to sleep the first one month and afterward got used to this pattern. There are other reasons people marry too (sex is so overrated!) like emotional needs and companionship in general. But it has always felt that he really does not need me for anything; that he is happy with or without me.

b. He used to transfer some money to my account when I was not working, but couple of months before I started working (got my job offer earlier), he stopped transferring any money and did not find it appropriate to inform me about it. His logic was that I could pay for my own stuff now and while it seemed logical to me.. somehow I was shocked. Not that I needed his monthly $500, but somehow the gesture conveyed his care for me and I was shocked at how ruthlessly he had cut me off. This was more than a year ago. Since then I have brought up this topic several times and each time his attitude has been that of nonchalance and absolutely no guilt. Ever since I got my job, I have been paying for my own needs and for the last ten months solely contributing to the rent and electricity expenses.

c. Contribution to domestic chores is very less. This, I don't have too much hard feelings about. I would ideally have preferred a partner who likes to do things together, but most men don't help out, so it's okay. But it sucks when one doesn't have any inclination to contribute- earlier I was not working, but now I am, so even my time is rationed.

d. My network is small, have few friends and hardly go to many social gatherings. My husband is the only person I know well enough for company. I am working on this and now that I am driving, trying to be more social and make more friends. He is not very social too and prefers sleeping in very late on weekends and meditating for hours unto late evenings (he is really into meditating since the past 6-7 years and while I encourage meditation a lot, sometimes I feel he is doing it more to escape and avoid me).

e. I am in a very tender psychological condition nowadays and am going to a counselor for a reality check. Maybe I have too many issues and am turning into a crazy nut case.. marriage counselling did not work. A bad counselor can break a marriage. The last one we went to was quite judgmental and it was a horrifying experience for me to remain calm after our sessions with her. It was even more tough for me to listen to what my husband used to say to the counselor; but I guess that is part of the process. We are still looking for a good couple counselor; meanwhile we have our own separate individual counselors for help.

While I try to figure out what to do, I think I may have to move out in two months, when the rental lease gets over and its time to renew the lease (I know he will not sign one on his own and when I let him know that I am not interested in signing a joint lease again, he will in high likelihood prefer finding a smaller place for himself, rather than risk paying for the bigger apartment all by himself). In the event that he does sign the lease by himself, a little bit of my faith in him will be restored (because he will be risking paying the rent by himself for a whole year) and I won't be moving out and will still stay with him to see if things work out. Chances of that happening although slim (given his insecurities around money and trust), is not zero.

This is a personal issue and I realize there may not be a unique solution for this, but I guess what I am trying to understand is what do women who have come to the US from India, upon facing relationship issues do? In India, there is a lot of support and one does not feel as nervous making such big decisions. But it is very different in the US- one needs to create their own support system and sustain them self by getting a job. Should one continue a relationship even when it seems like it will lead to a dead end? Someone told me that if the husband is not physically or verbally abusive, it is sufficient for a wife to be happy in the marriage.. how true is this? not in theory, but in real practice? I am quite the feminist myself and would immediately debate such ideas and speak of women and their needs, but if practically it is true for most women, then I would rather train myself to accept things as they are and adjust my ideas of happiness accordingly, because after all no one wants to walk away from a relationship; it simply is not that easy.

Kindly share your thoughts and if you need any specific information to help you give a better assessment, please post your question here and I will answer it. At present I am on H1B visa.. and AOS is about to be filed later this year, the GC application being thru my husband and it seems from what he is saying that the greencard should come in latest within the next one year as his application should be current when the AOS will be filed.

If you are comfortable discussing your personal situation, forum cannot prohibit from doing that. Problem is, hardly any ladies participate here on regular basis for you to have continuity. If you need more inputs, you could try putting in main forum where male members can provide their inputs. But be aware that anonimity might generate some harsh comments which may hurt your vulnerability. If you could absorb those, there are many reasonable male members who could offer sensible suggestions.

Personally, I would prefer to walk away from a loveless marriage than hoping that things will change. If you are seeing counsellors but not having frank conversation on why the situation came to this , I do not see future with current relationship. Apologies for being blunt.

Thank you RaReSha3.. I am trying to put this post on the main forum now. And I agree with your logic, I too have concluded that, just trying to get more thoughts before I make a decision. I really want this to work and its so tough to make the decision to leave.

It appears that your husband is on board with you to approach the counselor to seek advice, which means that he agrees that the marriage is not in the shape it should be. What does he think of the situation?

[QUOTE]Should one continue a relationship even when it seems like it will lead to a dead end?
This, I think depends on the people involved in the marriage*.

Introspect on the outcome of your choice - such as : Will you be able to live with the baggage (as you say it is not easy) that follows divorce and try your luck in another marriage? If not, what are the repercussions of staying in your current loveless marriage (oxymoron)? How/What can you do to make it work? What is that you want from this marriage & so on. Additionally, talk with your spouse on what he wants out of this marriage.

Have you talked about your situation with your in-laws and/or parents? Assuming you have their listening ear, I feel their advice will be more helpful for you.

Good luck with your choice.

*I say this because, I work with someone who chooses to continue her abusive(physical &verbal) marriage than seeking separation. She is an independent working woman, likely making more money than her spouse. That is her choice, perhaps because her conscience does not allow her to seek separation; she knows she cannot live with the social stigma that comes with divorce.

Frankly, If I were you, I will walk away from such marriage. The women today are empowered and with yr personality, you can overcome social stigma. But I would like to have a frank discussion with the spouse that what are the expectations from marriage and what was the basis to start with. I don't think I would like to think why I didn't walk away when I am old and without feeling being loved.

You have a clear thinking and unbiased attitude. You have been brave enough to find a job and start working. Living alone in USA can be tough as loneliness might get the best of anyone. I think India is better in that sense and with so many divorces happening these days, people are more accommodating. Its not difficult to start life again at 29.

But these are my thoughts...

OP,
Sorry to hear the details. Appreciate your bold steps to become self reliant. A person known to me was in a situation similar like this. She walked out after sometime into marriage but she had the support from her parents. Fortunately for her things turned out good and she is now into marriage and blessed with baby.

Once during one of the trainings, the trainer asked in a bold open voice to the audience - 'how many of you have had failed projects?' and there were few female hands that raised without any guilt and unabashed about the situation. But they were not the hands of female from asian origin. I have seen an indian lady who could not take the situation well and decided to move out from one place to other. So make sure you arise from the situation guilt free. Sometimes unfortunately situations are tough and draining...but one got to do what one has to do. Talk to your folks to understand their sentiments. Wishing you good luck for the future.

I would walk away from such marriage. You are only 29 and it's not end of the world. The good part is, there are no kids involved and it makes everything less complicated. I would say talk to your parents , siblings and take their advice too. But at the end, it's you , who need to be strong and face the situation.

Good luck!

So I am of the firm opinion that there needs to be more in a marriage for both partners to be happy - lack of physical or verbal abuse is not enough reason for a woman or a man to be happy in their marriage.

You are financially independent and on your own H1B. And you are taking a lot of efforts to increase your social circle. So as far as logistics go, you'll survive fine. But if you do walk away from this marriage, keep in mind that the initial days will be lonely and you need to surround yourself with good friends who can be an emotional support. Do you have a few friends (or close family) that you can visit for a weekend ? They need not be in the same city as you, but it would be good to have people to hang out with.

Stay away from people who are judgemental. Trust yourself and make sure you never ever blame yourself even if things are a bit tough initially. If your parents are supportive, maybe you could make short trips to India every few months if only for a week? Change of scene might help a lot (provided your folks are supportive and non-judgemental). Ultimately its your life, and you need to do things that keep you happy. If you aren't happy now and don't expect to be happy if you stay in this marriage, then its time to explore other options.

Good luck.

Dear friends- This is the OP of this thread.

Its been more than five years since I wrote this post and thought that I'll circle back with an update in case it were to be of help to anyone, now or later.

My husband and I separated in 2013 and divorced in 2014. It wasn't until early 2017 that I found out that he was gay and that to me explained quite a lot about what was wrong in the relationship. I wish he did not use me as a shield for hiding/suppressing his own issues because he would have always received support and encouragement from me to pursue a life with a partner he truly loved since I am an open advocate of LGBTQ issues and he was aware of that.

However, for me that was not even the worst part..

It was much after the divorce that I found out that he had in fact removed my name from the AOS/I-485 petition soon after adding it there, circa mid 2012, during a time when things were not going as bad in the marriage and we were trying to fix it. That broke me. Here I was trying to be an equal partner and planning a honeymoon to Hawaii to revive the relationship and there he was stripping me off my rights.
He'd also defaulted on his taxes in 2013, a burden the IRS chose to put on my shoulders by putting a lien on a property that I had just purchased in 2013. My tax, divorce and immigration lawyers (yes, I had three lawyers helping me thru this) advised that unless I divorced him, there could always be a chance that I could be held equally responsible for all future loans/debts etc. that he may end up acquiring. So I ended up pulling the plug on this relationship in August 2013. My divorce lawyer was not even able to trace him because he had gone incognito, leaving only a P.O.Box address behind such that it was not possible to physically serve him a court notice, thus increasing the time to get a divorce to 3, instead of 1 month. My only condition in the divorce petition was that he pay back IRS the amount owed by him, nothing else. Family and friends were surprised that I did not ask for more in terms of settlement but my logic was based on the premise of reducing, and not increasing any more karma with this man.

Life has been good since then. No, I have not discovered love and most interests have been surprisingly coming from married men who feel stuck in their marriages. For obvious reasons, I avoid that path. Greencard-wise, things have gone from bad to worse with layoffs, health, employment changes coming in the way of making sufficient progress and now with the current administration, the prognosis does not look very favorable either, the wait time for EB2 is 15-20 years. At this rate I will be 54 before getting a greencard :-)

But yes, I reiterate that life has been good. Lots of new experiences and challenges have come and gone by; thru it all, somehow I ended up surviving, saving over 100K and rediscovering a spiritual path that I am now much devoted to. So, its all good. I can only say that God has been kind. And though I don't live the coveted US life with a loving spouse and children and a million dollar home, what I have is much smaller, sustainable, lean, manageable and thus less burdensome overall.

Wanted to end the thread on a positive note by giving my 'thank you' to each one of you who gave your time and tried to help me back when I was just a child and feeling so alone. I pray for the happiness of each one of you.

Thank you for listening to my story.

All the best for your future. :thup:

rumjhum;663315Life has been good since then. No, I have not discovered love and most interests have been surprisingly coming from married men who feel stuck in their marriages. For obvious reasons, I avoid that path.

LOL to married men! We are like that only. :) We feel "stuck" from day 2 (we are slow to realize it on day 1)....just to leave you with some humor for your future.

Wishing you the best and do find someone worthy of you.