The case against arranged marriage

Mastan Bhai · Post by **Mastan Bhai** » Wed Oct 26, 2011 7:53 am

I was forwarded this copypasta a few days ago and think the audience here is perfect to generate some (un)intelligent debate and drama about the subject :cool Let the fighting begin...

[QUOTE]Whenever people talk about arranged marriages, it provides an avenue for people to express their lack of understanding. Being an American-born Indian, East Indian that is, I had an outsider's prospective when I last visited India in December 2000.
Not only is the arranged marriage an institution common to Hindu culture, it is also prominent in Muslim culture throughout the subcontinent. But what most people fail to realize is that it is an institution that is very well suited to the culture of India. Being born and raised in the USA, I am so far removed from the culture of India that I would never be comfortable or even want to have an arranged marriage. However, if you talk to the typical Indian teenager, their concept of marriage immediately referrs to when their parents will find them a suitor. The concept of a love marriage to them is as foreign as the concept of arranged marriage is to the rest of us.

Being 20, and having a sister who is 21, being in India was not the most fun. There was continuous nagging about when we are going to be getting married, and if they wanted us to have them actively persuing potential mates. My sister and I exchanged many sarcastic looks between us when we were in the midst of these family conversations. Luckily, my parents, after spending almost half their lives in the USA, realized that my sister and I are not so Indian to want an arranged marriage. But that is no reason why the Indians shouldn't continue to do it.

The cultural differences between the west and India is clearly seen with the way boys and girls act towards one another. There is hardly any mingling of the sexes in schools or in friend circles. Dating would be really difficult there, because people act like they're 13 all the time. They are nervous speaking to the opposite sex well into their late teens. Without arranged marriage, there would be very little marriage in India at all.

With every thought of India that is in my head, there is not a day that goes by where I thank God I was born in America. Not to look down on India or anything, but I am so far removed from the culture that I can not relate to it. Growing up with exposure to a culture is different than growing up in it. The fact of the matter is that arranged marriages are there to stay. I'm just glad that I will have absolutely nothing to do with it.

[QUOTE]I can't write a definitive guide to arranged marriages, because my parents made it very clear to me, at a very young age, that they heartily disapprove of the practice, but I'm going to try and node some common features of arranged marriages in India.

1. Arranged marriages differ very greatly in a large number of their aspects across India. Different communities have different rules, procedures, and what have you. This is important to keep in India. Any generalization about arranged marriages is just that- a generalization.

2. A standard arranged marriage is a long process. It involves a matching of family backgrounds, castes, social status, horoscopes and it is only then that the two people in question (and well, rather the two families) get to meet each other. There is a certain network through which these marriages take place- so if you have an eligible daughter, and your friend's friend has a brother whose son is of the same age, then you might have a word with your friend, who then speaks to his friend and so on.

3. This means that the prospective bride and groom get to each other maybe twice, and if they are lucky, thrice. This is a practice that has evolved over time. My aunt married a man she had never ever seen before till she saw him for the first time, during the marriage ceremony. Gradually, especially among the upper middle classes, a few chaperoned meetings between the girl and boy (in India the term 'girl' and 'boy' is used even when the two in question could be nearer 30 than 18! But I'll stick with...) may take place.

4. The girl can only reject so many guys. If she keeps rejecting suitors, then her family will put pressure on her because too many rejections is the hallmark of an overly choosy girl, and a blot of the family. But occasionally, girls are not given the choice of rejecting men. They must accept the first 'man' who is shown to them, making the entire process quite farcical. This is especially true if you are not an attractive girl.

These facts aside, here are some other observations.
The logic behind arranged marriages is somewhat like this: young men and women are too immature to make the right choice. So falling in love is out of question (Indians extol the virtues of those who fall in love after marriage), and of course 'mommy and daddy know best'. Arranged marriages are also a useful way of ensuring that purity within caste and community lines is maintained.

By the way, contrary to the above node, arranged marriages are extremely popular among Indians living in the USA or the UK. Many of these NRI (Non Resident Indians) will return to India to seek a bride. After having had a typical American high school/college education, where they spent their time trying to get rid of their 'Indian roots', when it comes to marriage, only a good Indian virgin will make them happy. I'm sorry if I sound sarcastic but I find it almost obnoxious to interact with these people who constantly deride the country, and then choose to replicate one of its most oppressive practices.

Why I am so opposed to arranged marriages? Well, even admitting that marriage is a gamble anyway, arranged marriages are bigger and often fatal gamble, especially if you are burnt for dowry. The question of dowry is another matter altogether, maybe something about which I'll blog later. But the very thought of marrying and sharing a bed with a man, whom I have met twice is repulsive. Worse is the say women are 'shown off' to their prospective grooms. Gone are the days when women were asked to display their teeth, almost like slaves or chattel, but a good Indian girl must have the correct manner, culinary skills, and other attributes that make her desirable in the arranged marriage market.

A number of my friends have had/will have arranged marriages and it often breaks my heart to see them battling their fears as they embark on a new life with an unknown man in an often hostile environment. I will recount the story of one such friend- a girl called Neha. She was not an attractive girl, being somewhat podgy and when she was all of 16 her parents found her a suitable groom. Now bear in mind that the legal marriage age in India is 18, but their family was rich and influential and the law states that unless someone formally complains to the police about an under age marriage the police can't arrest anyone. Neha was very happy about her impending marriage. This was a few months before a big national examination that we must all take in India, but she wasn't going to sit for it. She was not exceptionally bright and she wasn't going to regret not having to go to school again. Perhaps she felt wanted for the first time in her life- she felt special that a guy had chosen her to marry him. She was also flattered by the attention she was getting- the gifts, the trousseau and so on. My teachers warned her: Neha, this is NOT what marriage is about. This is very transitory, and soon you will realise what a grind it can be. Think about it, don't stop studying. After all, she came from a highly privileged background and in a country where female illiteracy is probably our biggest problem, giving up one's education for marriage to a man one doesn't know at all, all at the age of 16, seems absurd. But she went ahead and got married. We were all invited to a posh hotel in Delhi for the ceremonies. She's from Kolkata, and that's where we went to school- so most of us didn't go to the wedding. Those who did said she was dripping with jewellery, and kept her head bowed down like a good Hindu bride.

The next time I heard of her was a year ago. She was teaching in the kindergarten section of my school. Apparently her husband's family had beaten her up and ill treated her. Her parents refused to take her back. In sheer desperation she went to the only other 'home' she knew- her school and literally threw herself at my principal's feet asking for protection. My principal agreed to let her help out in the kindergarten section so she could be paid a small salary and could maintain herself. And this is what she does now. From one of the richest girl in school, who had a fairy tale wedding, her entire life, as she knows it has been destroyed by the age of 23. Frankly, I can't think of a bigger indictment of arranged marriages.

Yes, I know what the standard argument for such marriages- that they often work better than most Western marriages. That marriage is not just about two individuals, but about their families, their value systems and so on. And this is what an arranged marriage caters to. That love is transient, and what most people think is love, is basically lust, and it's possible to fall in love with your husband after an arranged marriage and so on. Again, I think these are mere justifications for an oppressive system that commodifies women and makes millions deeply unhappy. The reason marriages like these dont break up is not because the two people in question are happy, but because there is huge social pressure for the marriage to work. And because if she did leave her husband, the girl would have nowhere to go, and no one to turn to. So you shut up and put up because you simply have no choice!

Finally, if you want a bird's eye view of arranged marriages in India, take a look at our matrimonial columns. They are the perfect window to caste, class, and other prejudices that have bedevilled this country for years. They will also tell you why the sooner we get rid of this practice of arrranged marriages, the happier we will be, as a people. - likely source.

Now personally, I'm solipsistic and quite depraved in general so I don't really care one way or another as long as I get a good laugh out of it, or a green card. But I do find the system to be primitive and undermining a person's individual liberty and choices.

anwesha · Post by **anwesha** » Wed Oct 26, 2011 6:41 pm

Mastan Bhai;419278
Now personally, I'm solipsistic and quite depraved in general so I don't really care one way or another as long as I get a good laugh out of it, or a green card. But I do find the system to be primitive and undermining a person's individual liberty and choices.

What sounds primitive are the examples stated in the article/quote. The concept of AM may be primitive, but girls of modern India "If" they choose AM, do so knowing fully well what comes with the package. I know you can find people in both ends of the spectrum - most modern/liberated to most orthodox. But, I still find those features of AM listed in the article primitive.

I have to applaud the char 'Neha' in the story for walking out of marriage and finding a place for herself elsewhere. Yes, there are regrets that her life is not as normal as it is for others. However, for an immature girl giving up studies for marriage in her teens, her decision is commendable. I?m certain she?ll do well.

Btw, I don?t know what OP wanted to discuss in this thread. Marriage ? parents arranged Vs self-arranged? I?m sure we have threads along those lines. :)

Mastan Bhai · Post by **Mastan Bhai** » Wed Oct 26, 2011 6:49 pm

anwesha;419359What sounds primitive are the examples stated in the article/quote. The concept of AM may be primitive, but girls of modern India "If" they choose AM, do so knowing fully well what comes with the package. I know you can find people in both ends of the spectrum - most modern/liberated to most orthodox. But, I still find those features of AM listed in the article primitive.

I have to applaud the char 'Neha' in the story for walking out of marriage and finding a place for herself elsewhere. Yes, there are regrets that her life is not as normal as it is for others. However, for an immature girl giving up studies for marriage in her teens, her decision is commendable. I’m certain she’ll do well.

Btw, I don’t know what OP wanted to discuss in this thread. Marriage – parents arranged Vs self-arranged? I’m sure we have threads along those lines. :)

I just inferred that given the NRI population on here there must be many arranged marriage specimens around... I was hoping to lure them out of the woodwork into defending their choice, and playing the devil's advocate generally...

bigdreamer · Post by **bigdreamer** » Wed Oct 26, 2011 10:20 pm

Deleted

S.I.R.O

okonomi · Post by **okonomi** » Thu Oct 27, 2011 1:46 am

It is a rare desi (RI or NRI) forum that had left this topic alone .... the beast is DOA to this forum as well.

added later, because it looks pretty good here...

GutsyGibbon;419484.......
All this talk of bitter people brings too much negative thoughts. You should start one thread about 2 groups of people who get along together very well and discuss why that is so. ...... I guess mastan_bhai has the desire to start new topics, but no talent.

Mastan Bhai · Post by **Mastan Bhai** » Thu Oct 27, 2011 5:02 am

okonomi;419485It is a rare desi (RI or NRI) forum that had left this topic alone .... the beast is DOA to this forum as well.

added later, because it looks pretty good here...

Cheerful dolts who are high on glue and see fairies in the sky all the time don't have the brains enough to be bitter about anything. Equating a contemptuous outlook such as my own with lack of talent is a logical fallacy. Outright wrong.

Interesting reads about the positive thinking crowd:
http://www.chuurchofapathy.com/StevePavlinaSucks.html

and

http://www.chuurchofapathy.com/RetardedIdiots.html

okonomi · Post by **okonomi** » Thu Oct 27, 2011 5:50 am

:wink ....And why would the apathetic read long winded essays on apathy ?

P_Jani;419552Congrats to 'Bhayion ke Bhai' Mastan Bhai ....:))

Mastan Bhai · Post by **Mastan Bhai** » Thu Oct 27, 2011 6:48 am

okonomi;419551:wink ....And why would the apathetic read long winded essays on apathy ?

Why do geniuses join MENSA? :rolleyes:

okonomi · Post by **okonomi** » Thu Oct 27, 2011 8:20 am

Mastan Bhai;419561Why do geniuses join MENSA? :rolleyes:

Many Egghead Neurotics Seeking Attention ?

LotsOfRokda · Post by **LotsOfRokda** » Thu Oct 27, 2011 6:43 pm

two interesting blogs I read yesterday. not on topic but related..but from phoreners

http://aussiegirlinindia.wordpress.com/2011/10/23/decoding-the-indian-man/

http://www.whiteindianhousewife.com/2011/10/why-attracting-a-good-indian-girl-is-a-challenge/