r2i forum

All,

I am thinking seriously not to have a child. Reasons are many but major factor is to attain more freedom and independency.

I would like to hear opinions according to following questions,

1. Why one should have a child?
2. How will be the life without a child?
3. Did any of you think initially like this and later had a child?? Now, what is your opinion?
4. Do you think i am immature and dont know what is life means??

Definitely i have some western (or german) life influence. But none of the people who has no child for whatever reaon recommended me to be so. So, here is the dilemma. Perhaps i only know their outside life and dont know their mental agony in their personal life.

Knowing my character, i am not still convinced and still think i will be OK without a child. i have changed many opinions in the past 10 years when i moved from 20 to 30. But, here when i change my opinion at 40, it may be too late to have a child from my wife's health point of view. So, i am looking for some convincing reasons, wisdom at early stage and so on.

For discussion, i would like to leave following topics just to keep the focus on above questions.

1. let us consider my wife is also thinking like me.
2. I dont care about typical indian social pressure or i wont R2I.
3. I understand child is a god's gift and may not get it when i want.

I created a poll according to my interest and may not reflect the geneal opinions. So, forgive me.

Thanks for all who spend time to give their views.

It's all personal choice.. Outside of social/family pressure, it boils down to paternal instincts. If there's no spousal pressure, all power to you . And if you have a lot of outside interest to keep you busy in your Mid 40s and later, then you are fine..

And If you feel a void later, you always have the option to adopt.

If your wife is also thinking like you,then you are one lucky guy

I didnt have such luck..I too didnt want that extra responsibility and at a later date if I felt like,wanted to adopt.
Its sheer selfishness to look for own kids when the world is in need of parents for so many orphans..but that is my opinion and i failed to stick to it

It can be a difficult decision. You should do what feels right to you.
As for social pressure, people should leave other people alone.

I don't like when people start asking newlyweds about whe they are having a child. Similarly when are you having second one?

We don't have to do what everyone is doing.

I always dreamt of having 2 kids 1 boy 1 girl. Luckily have both.
But my first one was born after 7 years into marriage. There was social prseeure and nagging but it didnt bother us as we felt we want to do things our way. When we are ready, we'll have a child.

But you have to ask your wife the first...

Delay having the child for a good 10 yrs into marriage. Feel and Enjoy the freedom. Say, when you are 35, visit this decision again. Be open to change your mind when ever you feel it is appropriate.

OP, There are way too many variables that need to be considered. As there are two people in the marriage, the probability of opinions getting changed later in life becomes pretty high.
I admire your courage to admit that your opinions have gotten changed over the years and that your opinion about having child may get changed later.

As you are asking for advise, it seems that you are better off having kids. When it doubt, follow the crowd.

You can delay it as much as you want...don't worry about the age factor...you can even have sperm and eggs frozen or even have an embryo frozen for as long as you want. It may cost you some money but its a good insurance policy.

mn_op;284585 When it doubt, follow the crowd.

Many times, I doubt the crowd :confused:

Thanks for replies.

Yes, its a personal chocie but dont want to make a wrong uninformed one. Hence, this post.

Hope someone comes with real story or some philosophical post to make a convincing point.

stup,

It is not all that rosy. As of now, she is not interested and i have 50:50 chance to convince her based on other factors.

Ana and Mr.Long,

My wife is already 29 and waiting too long is not possible.

mn_op,

Even the terms you mentioned are difficult and i dont want to go through this. If i am a single decision maker then i dont want kids. Anyway there will be regerts on both side. Let me be on other side.

For medical professionals,

is there any possibility to check periodically whether my wife is still fit for a pregnancy. Normally, how old is good enough??? It depends on person???

I reframe a question as follows,

do you think having kids limited your aspiration??

Thanks once again and all replies are well appreciated.

wandering;284554
1. let us consider my wife is also thinking like me.
2. I dont care about typical indian social pressure or i wont R2I.
3. I understand child is a god's gift and may not get it when i want.

Let me just dwell on these points:
1. You are lucky to have a wife who thinks like you.
2. I am glad you dont care about Indian social pressure, they are bunch of backward looking tribal society anyway.
3. Child is neither a god’s gift or anybody’s gift, its just a product of (un)/intended consequence of the act. Nothing more, nothing less. Just a trick by the nature to continue its selfish self sustenance.

Having said that, I voted for option 1. I delayed my marriage as late as possible till the I-485 filing date came, and same with the kid at the age of 37, just because I wanted to be free and repelled at the thought of bringing a new life and make it go through school, college etc in this overpopulated world. My wife initially agreed with my views for first few years, then started raising the concern that she may be lonely at her last stages of her life. Funny reason I thought. Later after few more discussions, sometimes heated( and even unrelated ones) slowly I warmed upto the idea.
Now we have a kiddo. Came through natural means, but we were quite open for adoption and actually preferred that route and even filed for adoption and waiting in the line.

wandering;284554
1. Why one should have a child?

There is no external reason and should not be. You already precluded the society and family pressure and were thinking along the nordic way, which I admired and even I subscribe to that(note the tense), hence I am answering from my personal perspective.
Sometimes the question is kinda analogous to why does one get married? People who had such questions often have tribulations in the beginning, and soon resolve to acceptance of it. Well such people often feel differently when the spouse is around and you have to do some chores, but then you would miss her when she goes for a trip to India and after enjoying the first few days later resolve to the thought of well marriage is not all that bad and gradually start back counting, well never loudly or even accept it, except when writing post like this. :)

wandering;284554
2. How will be the life without a child?

When the kid is awake you are attending to her needs, cleaning, feeding, and more often playing robbing any of your TV time. Its lot of work, lot of hard work plus gotta hear wailing too. The only free time is when the kid goes to sleep and then you get to totally enjoy the TV time you get. But when the kiddo wakes up rubbing her eyes and comes and lies next to you, you pause the TV and talk to her in falsetto. You behave more gently not only because its a baby, but the new hormones in you have changed you also and you dont mind the interruption at all, unlike the older times when your friend would have interrupted you. Plus age calms you down.
So too many factors and too many suppositions to really answer the question. Sliding doors/12B is not possible in real life to objectively answer the quesiton. Going by your balanced post in #1, my bet you knew the answer, didn’t you?

wandering;284554
3. Did any of you think initially like this and later had a child?? Now, what is your opinion?

I bet you dont want another essay from me. :))

wandering;284554
4. Do you think i am immature and dont know what is life means??

Au contraire, you are being thoughtful and addressing it maturely. You laid out parameters very well, especially you want to make an intelligent guess whether you will feel the same way when you are 40 or 50. I have few anecdotal accounts on people who thought same way, but it would not be scientific and may or may not apply to you. Besides life is just a journey and have fun, nothing more nothing less.

wandering;284554
do you think having kids limited your aspiration??

Now this I can answer with some authority and experience. I was getting bored at my work and and got stuck in upper technical end with no management skills and inclination. Now I go to my job with a different purpose- to earn money for education and even at work perspective of the same drudgery has changed. After living in the same place for more than a decade, every thing felt like been there, seen that. Now there is more spring in the step to show the kiddo the garden, or excited with her to see pigeon or even an insect crawling.
Even look at the Ex-Senator from Chicago, he has two lovely daughters and that guy travelled the whole country for 2 years spending 16-18 hours on a day traveling, talking and even now works more than 12 hours a day in his home office. It does not hold you back at all, in fact it may give a new definition to what you are doing.

At the end of the day its your decision, and you are right in whatever you decide because after all its your life.

#9 VS007
This is not a run-of-the-mill user1,user2 thanks :) but really a wow, what a good post thanks. Could not have said it better. Wish we had 'wow' button.:thup:
OP, you have the most perfect answer from all angles, been there done that plus what if , all covered in #9. I don't think you need to wait for more replies to help you navigate your thought process.
I had kids before even the novelty of new marriage wore off and for me career,sports,travel and what all the life offers(except alcohol and meat :) ) are important and I am passionate about everything but having kids did not change that all ; in fact they added new new meaning and dimension.

HTH and Good luck for your decision.