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Parents versus In-laws
Posted: Mon Sep 13, 2010 5:16 am
by miserable
Just wondering how many of us are in this situation where parents cannot stand in-laws? I have tried my level best in drawing the two families together but my dad is so negative that it has led me to be afflicted with high BP. I have been in the US of A for a few years now. During this time I have brought my parents here four times. I have taken them to most places within US. I have given them my initial savings and my stock options before I branched out to study further. But my dad thinks I do much more for my in laws even though they have been here in USA with us only for three months. My earnest requests to him to not think in such a way falls on deaf ears.
Things started going south after my parents came to spend a few months with us post marriage (no surprises). I had a great understandng with my wife and my in-laws till my own dad's tantrums took turn. Anything I do for my wife's parents is looked down upon. My wife is a homemaker and is dependent on me financially. My dad gets upset if I do anything for them. These include wishing them on birthdays, anniversaries, giving them a vonage phone (which I also sent for my dad). For him it is not important what I do for my parents but I should not do anything for my wife's parents. Initially I just ignored these thinking trivialities will pass with time. But it does not. Even after six years of marriage my father has the suspicion that I do more for my in laws than for him with whom I have spent only three months in the six whole years of my marriage.
Week after week my dad makes sarcastic remarks a regular agenda of our calls. I am frustrated and at wits end. I do not want to stop the lines of communication but at the same time I dread weekends when I have to call home. My dad's actions have now led to daily arguments with my wife. I am frightened to R2I and raise my daughter around such relationships.
Are there more people in the same boat as I?
Parents versus In-laws
Posted: Mon Sep 13, 2010 6:27 am
by Desi
miserable;328850Just wondering how many of us are in this situation where parents cannot stand in-laws? I have tried my level best in drawing the two families together but my dad is so negative that it has led me to be afflicted with high BP. I have been in the US of A for a few years now. During this time I have brought my parents here four times. I have taken them to most places within US. I have given them my initial savings and my stock options before I branched out to study further. But my dad thinks I do much more for my in laws even though they have been here in USA with us only for three months. My earnest requests to him to not think in such a way falls on deaf ears.
Things started going south after my parents came to spend a few months with us post marriage (no surprises). I had a great understandng with my wife and my in-laws till my own dad's tantrums took turn. Anything I do for my wife's parents is looked down upon. My wife is a homemaker and is dependent on me financially. My dad gets upset if I do anything for them. These include wishing them on birthdays, anniversaries, giving them a vonage phone (which I also sent for my dad). For him it is not important what I do for my parents but I should not do anything for my wife's parents. Initially I just ignored these thinking trivialities will pass with time. But it does not. Even after six years of marriage my father has the suspicion that I do more for my in laws than for him with whom I have spent only three months in the six whole years of my marriage.
Week after week my dad makes sarcastic remarks a regular agenda of our calls. I am frustrated and at wits end. I do not want to stop the lines of communication but at the same time I dread weekends when I have to call home. My dad's actions have now led to daily arguments with my wife. I am frightened to R2I and raise my daughter around such relationships.
Are there more people in the same boat as I?
Step # 1: Do not call your dad now for 2 to 3 weeks. If he does call you in that time and asks why you did not call - tell him that he can call also, it has to be two sided and you really do not relish calls with him and tell him why and tell him that is the reason you did not call and probably will not call often if that attitude persists. If he does not call during those 3 weeks, you can call him after 3 weeks and if he asks why you did not call, tell him the above.
Parents versus In-laws
Posted: Mon Sep 13, 2010 6:44 am
by MrLong
Here are my thoughts:
1. Do not tell your parents as to what you are doing to your in-laws. If your parents do not know, they cannot comment.
2. One of my friend, whose parents and inlaws where in the same city did this.. every time, he or his wife will buy a gift, or a vonage or a souvenir, etc they will buy in two and send it both folks
3. Ignore any topic that your parents talk about your in-laws. Change the topic immediately. If that does not work, tell him/her, that you do not appreciate gossiping about your in-laws.
4. Finally, now it is YOU, who will have to stand-up to this and convey what Desi is post # 2 says. The minute your parents realize that you are not putting up with this BS, this will stop.
Parents versus In-laws
Posted: Mon Sep 13, 2010 7:12 am
by M V
Miserable, we in this forum love company! :) Welcome aboard! :)
miserable;328850 ...Things started going south after my parents came to spend a few months with us post marriage (no surprises). I had a great understandng with my wife and my in-laws till my own dad's tantrums took turn. Anything I do for my wife's parents is looked down upon. My wife is a homemaker and is dependent on me financially. My dad gets upset if I do anything for them. ...
Our loved ones, relatives and friends often take their cues from us in how they view our spouses. You view your wife as financially dependent on you, and so your parents also view her similarly. Nope, do not explain. :) You've mentioned this in both your posts so far. Are you "dependent" on your wife for the cooking and other housekeeping she is probably doing? No.
If the money in the marriage is viewed as 'our' money, then presents bought or other thoughtful gestures made for each side of parents will be from 'us both' rather than '
I do this for my parents and
I do that for my in-laws'.
I think the solution is to present the gifts or calls/gestures as from 'both of us'. If they still compare what you guys do for them vs her parents, both of you assert yourselves as adults and refuse to explain. Stop giving reasons, stop seeking approval. Stop reacting to any comments on the matter.
If possible try to also minimize the interaction between your parents and in-laws for a while.
______________________________________________________
No and Sorry are among words best delivered sans qualifiers. ~ MV :)
Parents versus In-laws
Posted: Mon Sep 13, 2010 9:05 am
by moneyIsNot_funny
Miserable - either your father is having emotional insecurity or is too arrogant/stubborn to mend his ways. Reasoning will not work out with him. However there are two things you MUST do:-
1. Stand up and be assertive. You would be surprised how many parents adopt a more reasonable attitude when politely standing up and being assertive. (Of course there's a possibility that they would say that you have been "brainwashed" by their daughter in law).
2. Tell him that he's screwing up your health and marriage every time he plays this card. Tell him how much physical health and matrimonial issues you are having and ask him if his unreasonableness is worth it.
What's the role of your mother? If she's reasonable, explain to her that how frustrated you are with the health and matrimonial issues that are piling up - she will work on him.
Parents versus In-laws
Posted: Mon Sep 13, 2010 10:56 am
by Journeywoman
Unfortunately many Indian families still believe that the son should look after his parents, but daughters should desert theirs. I am in a situation where my inlaws live with their daughter perfectly happily ( in the town they grew up in, with lots of friends and no language issues or cultural clashes) and my mother lives happily with me ( again in her hometown, with friends and relatives close by). However I still get plenty of snide remarks and sarcastic comments. Apparently what I should be doing is to get my inlaws to live with me( despite the fact that they don't want to be uprooted) and let my mom live all by herself. My husband gets lots of sympathy,"Oh, poor you, having to live with your MIL" , but I don't know of a single woman who gets sympathy for having to live with her inlaws, either on this R2i Board or in real life.
Your only choice is to do what I do: ignore ignore ignore. And do what you think is right. If you let this pass now, it will only get worse once you r2I. Also, your daughter may end up believing what your dad thinks: only sons have the right to support their parents.
Parents versus In-laws
Posted: Mon Sep 13, 2010 5:54 pm
by PeterGriffin
Journeywoman;328910
Your only choice is to do what I do: ignore ignore ignore. And do what you think is right. If you let this pass now, it will only get worse once you r2I. Also, your daughter may end up believing what your dad thinks: only sons have the right to support their parents.
How wonderful of an advise? This explains the problems in your household.
OP
The main culprit in your dilemma is you, though your father is being unreasonable here. This issue should have been nipped inthe bud. You should have been clear and concise yet diplomatic when the first instance occurred.
Tell your dad hat he has harbored ill-feelings of his DIL and it could affect is relationship with his grandkids if he continues to do this.
Make it clear to him that you will do what is fair and your love towards your parents will always be the same.
Place hypothetical scenarios before your dad and make him answer it. Ask him questions like what he would feel if you lost a job and your wife started to earn.
If he still hates or makes sarcastic remarks then keep doing it more and make it a point to tell him that you are doing what is RIGHT. Never ignore him though.
Emotional blackmailing with grandkids works like a charm. Do that if you have to.
YOU are the only person who can resolve these issues. If you ignore it, you are only making it worse. Remember, by ignoring, you are only losing the respect of your in-laws. Stand up for what you think is right. By letting this situation go this far, it's going to be a monumental task to set it right but better late than never.
Btw, where does your mother stand on all this? I'm assuming that she is with you on it considering the fact that your dad must have been very impartial to your mom's side in his heydays. Get your mom to also talk for you on your behalf if you feel so.
Remember that your kids will look up to you when they grow up and when they hear that their dad did not do the right thing, they will lose their respect for you.
Good luck!
Parents versus In-laws
Posted: Mon Sep 13, 2010 8:46 pm
by M V
Journeywoman;328910...Your only choice is to do what I do: ignore ignore ignore. And do what you think is right. ...
In general and not specifically to do with in-laws issues, it has been my experience that if after a reasonable amount of explanation and reasoning, people don't get it, it is often best to ignore them and proceed with what we think is right. Whether it is parents not agreeing for a love marriage or parents not approving of any actions we take as adults. One tries one's best, and if that is not enough, ignore the disapproval/comments and get on with life which happens to be short for more than necessary drama.
Whether OP has reached or if/when he will reach that "just ignore and do what you think is right" stage, is up to him to decide.
Parents versus In-laws
Posted: Mon Sep 13, 2010 8:47 pm
by M V
PeterGriffin;328972 ... This explains the problems in your household. [/quote]
It does? :)
Parents versus In-laws
Posted: Mon Sep 13, 2010 8:57 pm
by laks0
modus_vivendi;329032It does? :)
it doesnt? :)