r2i forum

Hi,

Because of the very high regard I have for the suggestions by some of the forum members here, I seek your valuable advise to help me to make, probably, the most critical decision of my life.

1) About My Marriage:

I know her for the last six years. We like each other and, now, would like to marry. Presently she is In India and I am here, in US.

Few more details about us:

- Both graduated, Bachelors, from a very reputed school in India. She was one year junior.
- After my Bachelors, I came US and did my MS, '08 Graduate. Since then I've been working here in US
- After her Bachelors, she worked for one year in India and than did her MBA in India, '10 Graduate. She just started working in Mumbai .
- We are from different castes, from AP.

About an year ago, we informed our parents about our plans to get married. Since then it's been a struggle. Little did I know that there is so much fuss about caste in our society. I am a first generation graduate (in fact first to go to school in my family), from a very small village in southern AP. My family is certain in their view that there are going to be lots of problems if we go ahead with marriage and they told me that they don't like it outright. My father is very rigid on it and after persuading for almost an year, his final stance now is that he still don't like it but he'll come to the marriage, solely to not hurt me. And, he told me that he can't live in my village anymore after the marriage because of the pressure from society. Their main concerns are:

-- My after-marriage life: They are of the strong view that I would need to deal with lots of unpleasant situations in future, all through my life when it comes to family matters. Our's is a very big family and though we don't live in the same place, we still are very much together.
-- Their life after our marriage: They fear that they need to face lots of criticism from my extended family and also in general from the society. I don't undermine their fears, as in this one year I came to know whats the the kind of societal values they live with.
-- Effect on my brothers and cousins. I have two younger brothers and my parents are of the strong view that my decision is going to effect my brothers' marriages. Given my family conditions, in normal case, I am the one who should be taking most active part in arranging their marriages. Also, I have almost 15 first cousins and 20 to 25 second cousins, most of whom are very close to me. Not to boast myself, but frankly, for all these years I have been the role model for all those kids in their parents view and they always made their kids to look towards me and follow. My entire family is of the view that it's going to effect their kids in the way which they don't want.

-- Effect on my kids: Their view is that my kids are certain to face some undue discrimination from the society when it comes to important matters like their marriage.

Concerns of her parents are also pretty much the same. Few differences are: Her father himself is a graduate and is in a respectable position, professionally. Unfortunately, even he is very strongly against our marriage plans. Her family is not as big as ours and she pretty much lived in a nuclear family environment (she has one younger brother). So, relatively pressure is less on her part when it comes to extended family and society. She is very attached to her father and most probably after the marriage things would be smoother.

My concerns are:

- My father is not a very emotionally balanced person. I am concerned about his and consequently my mother's life after my marriage. Whole the life they worked very hard, really hard, to made me what I am now and at any time I won't be happy if I don't see them in a good condition.
- How much effect its going to be on my kids. Mainly when it comes to the critical decisions like marriage. Is our society moving forward or backward.

Presently the situation is: My family is outright against it but they leave the decision to me. Most of them might attend the marriage but that would be it. Her family is against the marriage too but again they leave the decision to her. I am in hope that situation would be bit smoother from her family side, after the marriage. She made up her mind. She likes me and given her way of thinking and the environment she was brought up, she gives more importance to our personal life and she leaves the decision to me. On her part, she is ready to sail the life with me what ever may come.

I like her very much. We both are very compatible. In a world where there is no caste, she is the best for me.

We've been going through this for quiet a bit of time and now is the time to take a decision and move on.



2) Marriage After Life: India vs. US

(In case, we decided to go ahead with the marriage)


We both are in hope of a very bright careers. Given our credentials (all our degrees are from highly reputed schools.. kind of No: 1 in their respective fields), we are confident that we both will have a great professional life, irrespective of whether we stay in India or US. But, personally we both prefer to settle down in India.. in fact, until very recently, either one of us has no second thoughts on that. But, after going through all these for last one year, I am thinking about the positives and negatives of returning India, given our specific case.

If we stay here in US:

+Ves
- Less pressure from family and extended family.
- Can concentrate on our careers.

-Ves
- US is not the place where I want to develop my career. I never had plans of settling down here. Though she may like the system here (I too like certain aspects of the American system and I have a great respect towards it), she too would love to settle down in India.
- distancing myself from parents and family. My feeling is that it'll only grow in long term. As a person, I get immense satisfaction from being an active part of my family.


If we stay in India:

+Ves
- That's where we both always wanted to develop our careers.
- I am in hope that I can get close to family, with time, if things turn out favorably.

-Ves
- I am not sure if we can concentrate on our careers and also I am not sure how happy we would be after marriage because of all the active or passive influence that our family would have on us.


What I expect from the respected members of this forum is to kindly throw some light on some of the issues I discussed in this my long post, which would put me in a better position to take an informed decision. I've been following these forums for long and when it comes to the suggestions from some of you, I give no less importance to them than that from my family members. So, please advise me as if you are advising your son or your brother.

Thank you very much.

If there is no physical threat from families (like the kind of news we have been hearing lately), you will never forgive yourself for a long time (or your parents) if you DO NOT marry your true love. You might even destroy the life of the poor woman whom you would ultimately marry with your parent's consent.

To be frank, If Indian parents do not start realizing that their kids of age 25+ are not capable enough of taking their own decisions, then they need to be given a big jolt. Marry your love, be very successful, earn lots of money in US, buy a BMW, and gift a house to your parents in a better locality than the current one.

You have a long career and life ahead of you. Don't think about R2I as of yet. Just focus on improving your skills, and saving money.

Regarding kids, if they are US citizens, then you will find a million brides/grooms for them in AP. Don't worry about how to sell the milk, before buying the cow.

Regarding your brothers and cousins, you will be a much better role model, by marrying inter-caste.

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If there is physical threat, then matters will be a little more complex. But my advice would still be the same. Just that, you should look at settling in US permanently.

@ sid_earth

No physical threats. Not even in the remotest of thoughts. My parents and family love me so much that it is hard for them to digest when they think that I'll be having complications in my life. Same is the case with her.

Thank you very much for your response.

Ind12;306321No physical threats. Not even in the remotest of thoughts. My parents and family love me so much that it is hard for them to digest when they think that I'll be having complications in my life. Same is the case with her.

Thank you very much for your response.

Well, if they really do love you so much that they cannot see you miserable, how can they even think of asking you to give up your true love ? Don't they realize how miserable you'd be if you couldn't be with your true love ? Having married my soulmate and true love, i can say that it is impossible for someone to completely forget a soulmate, one can get hardened with time, and it hurts less and less, but you can never completely overcome it. I can never understand this concept of Indian parents of loving their children to the point of smothering them (even adult children), they want their kids to be happy, but only as long as they fit into the parent's mold of 'happiness' ughh. :(
Having said that, you seem to have thought about the practical difficulties one might face after marriage, in such a case, hats off for that, because very often people in love seem to look at the future with rose tinted glasses, and ignore the practical issues that might arise later.

It's always incredible to me, when many Indians fall in love, go around with the person for some time, and then when the time to get married comes, they suddenly start thinking about family acceptance and all that, why don't they think about this before getting sentimentally involved with the person deeply. When you did'nt need your families approval to woo the girl, and date her, how come now suddenly they've become so important, that it could make or break the relationship. This question is something that boggles my mind, not directed specifically at you, but in general at such situations.

I'm reminded of my cousin's case, who wanted to marry a catholic girl (i have absolutely nothing against inter-faith marriages at all), they went around for quite a few years, and suddenly when the time to get married came, the girl wanted him to convert, his parents who were totally okay with the marraige, were dead against the conversion. What i wonder is, did it suddenly dawn on the girl that my cousin is not catholic ? That her parents will not accept the guy unless he converted. Wah Wah ** :41:

Anyway, sorry for digressing, coming back to your topic, a close friend of mine had faced a similar issue, and both sides of parents were dead against the union, and had threatened to disown the kids if the got married, they married anyway, and a couple of years later, when they added a little one to the family, the parents came around, just wanted to show you that there's hope, if in the end, it's route you end up taking.
Sid_earth has pretty much said all that i think in this matter too.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do :thup:

*very nice

Wow, heard almost the same things from my parents when I got married inter-caste (1. what about kids, check 2. Relatives may not talk to us, check)
Anyway managed to persuade my parents in a year or so and got married. So I can say been there done that except to be fair, we aren't from village, my now-wife's parents were ok with it.

Now years after marriage, no relative has any time to bother them or us about our caste. In fact there are few more inter-caste marriages among our relatives after ours.

If you are sure then go ahead.. reasonable parents always come around! My parents never mentioned the issue again after marriage. They came to US for a short vacation after my first year of marriage and we all had a blast traveling across US.

As per kids, I agree with sid_earth, you are thinking too far ahead.

This is such a non issue. You are listing all the diversions - which are just diversions. Here's the one line statement that you need to print and look at it everyday.

"As long it looks like my parents wont commit suicide, I will go ahead and marry my lady.Period. The End".

Modern life is very tough. When you have that compatibility, why bother with anything else?

If I were you, I would have a talk with parents to ensure that they wont do anything unreasonable, then marry her, and then live here for a few years before R2i-ing. You need that space buffer for the first few years. All the other relative/cousin problems will die down. You would find more and more people doing intercaste marriage in your circle.

MINF hit the nail on head. Just make sure , communication link is not broken with parents and cousins close to you, even if its a long distance one. They will eventually come around looking how happy you are. Good Luck.

Parents generally want their children to be happy, and after some time come around to a grudging "ok, if it makes you happy, go ahead." No point expecting more than that. After that, their worry is the actual wedding itself, and comments from relatives and guests. If boy and girl are in the U.S., they often choose to get married in the U.S. to avoid that hassle. Parents can come over for the wedding, but siblings might not be able to make it.

After a year or so, a visit to India and a party or belated reception. When kids come along in say 2-3 or 4 years, most relatives or "well-wishers" would have got used to the idea and stop commenting, and most likely more youngsters in the family would have married similarly out-of-caste. Then, R2I should be easier.

Be it arranged marriage or love marriage there would always be challenges. Not all arranged marriages are happy ones, and not all love marriages are perfect ones. I have seen few good friends go through lot of initial struggle where everything seemed perfect with their choice - same caste / good education / etc / etc. And there have been arranged marriages which have been totally film like ending in divorce with in an year.

As MINF has rightly said, in the complcated world if anything is truly worth and precious is true love. Looks like you guys have already brought the parents to give you a nod. Relatives will definitely speak for quite some time. And yes, it would be hard for parents. But then marrying somebody else would not be fair to that person. Parents would be truly hurt if you guys break the bonds slowly. Instead invest energy and time is slowly building the rapport on each other side. Take it easy initially. Getting married, and coming to US would be best option initially. Usually person out of sight is also person out of mind. Have parents come over, and strengthen the bonds. And regarding kids, it is too far off story. Who knows what things would be then, and how we would be? Probably our kids would be participating in Jr RRK founded forum discussing about us! :)

In my opinion the big question is - compatibility check! How truly compatible you both are, and how you both would be ready to face the challenges keeping each other's choices and desires in mind? That only you both can answer, and only to each other!

Good Luck! :)

@ willynilly

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It's always incredible to me, when many Indians fall in love, go around with the person for some time, and then when the time to get married comes, they suddenly start thinking about family acceptance and all that, why don't they think about this before getting sentimentally involved with the person deeply. When you did'nt need your families approval to woo the girl, and date her, how come now suddenly they've become so important, that it could make or break the relationship. This question is something that boggles my mind, not directed specifically at you, but in general at such situations.
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Firstly, thanks a lot for your suggestions.

Though its not specifically directed to me.. I think I should respond to it. There was never any wooing from either side, Sir. And, no dating, in American sense. Again, for the last four years I am in US and she is in India. Before that our association had more to do with technical things like our projects, presentations than any thing personal. More than any thing else, its the support and warmth we feel in each other's presence and the mutual understanding between us in dealing with various issues ranging from univ projects to situations like the one which we are in now, made us feel that we both can lead a very fruitful life together.

I understand what you mean when you say.. "how come now suddenly they've become so important". To be honest, some times, I also wonder on that. I wonder how come I was so ignorant about the society in which my family lives. It's my fault and I am the only one to be blamed. One reason could be that I was always away from home. Right from my 5th Class I spent whole my life in hostel until I came to US. And the environment which I grew up (hostel life and US life) didn't help me realize how much fuss about caste is still there in society.


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Well, if they really do love you so much that they cannot see you miserable, how can they even think of asking you to give up your true love ? Don't they realize how miserable you'd be if you couldn't be with your true love ?
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Seriously, they are not able to realize it. Problem is that.. there is no history of any inter-caste or love marriages in my family or in close circles. They could only see what I would lose or what complications I could face if I go against the normality. They love me so much and they don't want me to face any complications. That's, along with other reasons, why the resistance. Real problem is that, they are not able to realize what I would lose if I don't marry her. If I say, I really like her and I can't live with out her.. that sounds weird to them and at this stage that's incomprehensible to them. The society in which they live constantly shows them one side of the coin. My concern is how to show them the other side of the coin.

Thanks again for your thoughtful insight.