r2i forum

We have different threads going on regarding first love and distance making the relationship grow stronger. I think this discussion fits right into it.

Can someone be happily married without madly and deeply in love with your spouse? Is love overrated? Is it really an essential ingredient in happy married life or can a person have a fulfilling life without ever being in love with the person he or she spends whole life with?

Let’s take an example of a typical Indian arranged marriage where you don’t know the other person very well before marriage. The expectation in such arranged marriages is that love will follow. Overtime as they know each other better, they will fall in love. What if it doesn’t really happen? They are both essentially good people with good heart, share similar family values. Like normal couple they agree on certain things and have difference of their own. Is it unrealistic to imagine that they may never really fall in love with each other? Can such marriage survive for a long period?

My opinion is yes such marriage can survive. The main reason is their desire to make the marriage work. Coming from middle class, they cannot really think of separating just because they don’t love each other. They go on with their life, busy with raising kids, careers, family visits, travel and going through the regular travesty of the life. Everything on the surface appears normal. They have made a cozy nest for themselves, have a perfect family picture with beautiful kids, no financial worries, active lifestyle, healthy but what is lacking is that passionate love.

So the question is what happens to this couple when they are empty nesters and retire. They are not busy. Parents and older family members may not be around. They mostly have each other for emotional support. Do they consider their life fulfilled? Were they really ever “happily” married? Would there ever be any regret of not falling in love. Or is it right to say that a person cannot have everything in life and their life lacked love but had everything else and hence had a very fulfilling life.

Thoughts?

kopal;319605We have different threads going on regarding first love and distance making the relationship grow stronger. I think this discussion fits right into it.

Can someone be happily married without madly and deeply in love with your spouse? Is love overrated? Is it really an essential ingredient in happy married life or can a person have a fulfilling life without ever being in love with the person he or she spends whole life with?

Let’s take an example of a typical Indian arranged marriage where you don’t know the other person very well before marriage. The expectation in such arranged marriages is that love will follow. Overtime as they know each other better, they will fall in love. What if it doesn’t really happen? They are both essentially good people with good heart, share similar family values. Like normal couple they agree on certain things and have difference of their own. Is it unrealistic to imagine that they may never really fall in love with each other? Can such marriage survive for a long period?

My opinion is yes such marriage can survive. The main reason is their desire to make the marriage work. Coming from middle class, they cannot really think of separating just because they don’t love each other. They go on with their life, busy with raising kids, careers, family visits, travel and going through the regular travesty of the life. Everything on the surface appears normal. They have made a cozy nest for themselves, have a perfect family picture with beautiful kids, no financial worries, active lifestyle, healthy but what is lacking is that passionate love.

So the question is what happens to this couple when they are empty nesters and retire. They are not busy. Parents and older family members may not be around. They mostly have each other for emotional support. Do they consider their life fulfilled? Were they really ever “happily” married? Would there ever be any regret of not falling in love. Or is it right to say that a person cannot have everything in life and their life lacked love but had everything else and hence had a very fulfilling life.

Thoughts?

What is loveeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee......what is loveeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee..

Love is to respect and care for someone deeply ..............

we love our parents, our kids; our wifes (i do) and even our pets (my hamster!)

kopal;319605
So the question is what happens to this couple when they are empty nesters and retire. They are not busy. Parents and older family members may not be around. They mostly have each other for emotional support. Do they consider their life fulfilled? Were they really ever “happily” married? Would there ever be any regret of not falling in love. Or is it right to say that a person cannot have everything in life and their life lacked love but had everything else and hence had a very fulfilling life. Thoughts?

I sometimes wondered how some of my elders who walk separately, hardly exchange sweet words with each other stayed married? Did they stay married and stay together because of the pressures of the society? May be there is some truth to it. In our generation, prior to being empty nesters, I do not see this happening. When there is no love there is no caring for others. Which usually ends up in harsh actions and words. Humans are usually social animals. They either find the comfort of love and care in others, or in rare instances stay single on top of a hill/jungle. If two people are together it means - the net sum of love > net sum of irritants.
- Love guru :-)

[QUOTE]My opinion is yes such marriage can survive. The main reason is their desire to make the marriage work. Coming from middle class, they cannot really think of separating just because they don’t love each other. They go on with their life, busy with raising kids, careers, family visits, travel and going through the regular travesty of the life. Everything on the surface appears normal. They have made a cozy nest for themselves, have a perfect family picture with beautiful kids, no financial worries, active lifestyle, healthy but what is lacking is that passionate love.

That is why you have such successful marriages in the US since they were all deeply passionately in love when they married.
Love, passion and happiness are all states of mind that could be a result of physical attraction, hormonal surges, too much influence of media or loneliness.

Marriage on the other hand is a social contract that one tries to honor through life- to be there for the other through thick and thin, on good and bad days.

beeamma;319678That is why you have such successful marriages in the US since they were all deeply passionately in love when they married.
Love, passion and happiness are all states of mind that could be a result of physical attraction, hormonal surges, too much influence of media or loneliness.

Marriage on the other hand is a social contract that one tries to honor through life- to be there for the other through thick and thin, on good and bad days.

Beamma said - "That is why you have such successful marriages in the US "......

hmm not sure that statement goes well with this stat -

http://www.divorcerate.org/

kopal;319605
So the question is what happens to this couple when they are empty nesters and retire. They are not busy. Parents and older family members may not be around. They mostly have each other for emotional support. Do they consider their life fulfilled? Were they really ever “happily” married? Would there ever be any regret of not falling in love. Or is it right to say that a person cannot have everything in life and their life lacked love but had everything else and hence had a very fulfilling life.

Thoughts?

I gather that the topic is targetted towards couples who have had arranged marriages. Providing the definition of "happily married" might help. :)

beeamma;319678That is why you have such successful marriages in the US, for the first six months, since they were all deeply passionately in love when they marry..

Perhaps, the above sentence will make better sense! :))

anwesha;319701I gather that the topic is targetted towards couples who have had arranged marriages. Providing the definition of "happily married" might help.

Not necessarily! I've seen a lot of cases of the opposite of "arranged marriage" also go south in a few years due to various reasons. :))

IMO, arranged or not, there are "lovely marriages" and "loveless marriages". There is no in-between.

anwesha;319701I gather that the topic is targetted towards couples who have had arranged marriages. Providing the definition of "happily married" might help. :)

Anwesha, I dont know. I guess I am trying to explore that myself:-)

kopal;319718Anwesha, I dont know. I guess I am trying to explore that myself:-)

There isn't one. Each one's definition is different! All are happily married in their own terms :)

OotyGuy;319702
Not necessarily! I've seen a lot of cases of the opposite of "arranged marriage" also go south in a few years due to various reasons. :))
.

I would agree with this. I just provided an example of an arranged marriage but it can be applicable to love marriages as well where couple was deeply in love intially but it faded away after a couple of years of marriage. The question is in the end who would have more regret about their loveless life
1. Couple with arranged marriage who never fell in love
2. Couple who were in love before but could not maintain it after marriage.