r2i forum

Hi ,

My husband and I have been married for close to 8 years , and we have a toddler. Life before kid was more relaxed than life after kid . The reason I am making a mention of this is - My husband says that we have drifted after the kid was born, and that is why he felt lonely and had an affair. We R2ied recently, and from what I understand, it started after we came back. He met her on the internet , then met her in person a few times and then spent a day with her at a hotel. He tells me that he wanted someone to speak to, and that how it started. Beats me how talking can lead to a physical relationship . I mean, he is married, and both of them know that.

He has been apologizing profusely after I found out about the affair, and says that he is not in touch with her - I think he is telling me the truth. I am trying hard not to be very emotional about the whole thing, but it really is difficult to cope. I did contemplate separation, but honestly , I am not sure if that is the right thing to do. He is a nice person, and he loves me . I love him too. What he did was definitely wrong, but as he says , I may have been too carried away by the role of a mother and not paid as much attention to our relationship.

R2i was turbulent, and he started a risky venture and lost substantial amount of money - which only took the relation further south. All this is what has happened . Now what we plan to do is:
1. Sort out the differences and have a honest discussion on what both of us want from the relation.
2. Try and spend as much time as possible with each other.

He assures me that he has come clean and will never do this in future. I am trying my best to leave the whole thing behind ..few questions :
1. We are trying hard to not let this happen again - but the "what if's" are always hovering around me ..
2. I consciously try to look at everything objectively and do things to make the relation work ..I would feel like a complete idiot if I found out later that he never quit - or quit only to start again.
3. I have not been able to discuss this with anyone because I don?t want people to be judgmental about him later. But sometimes I wish I could just talk to someone and cry. Any good counselors in India?

This is a public forum, and I understand that people will have different opinions on the topic. Having said that, I would really appreciate if the responses have the OPs state of mind in context.
My access to the internet is intermittent now, and may take some time to respond.
Sorry about the long post.
Thanks!

Looks like you have thought this over well and have a good plan. Don't blame yourself for what happened- you certainly are not to be blamed. Also, don't worry about what you will find out in the future - you can deal with it, if and when you get there.

Yes, there are good Family counsellors available in India. A good place to start would be any major hospital or even church groups, if you are inclined.

Cabo
Thanks for the response. Blaming myself partly helps in some ways - else , I get completely mad at him. And in that state , all I can think of is separation.

You are doing the right thing. Forget and move on! Just thinking... How will you make sure there is no lose ends with the lady your husband had affair with. Did you meet her and she agreed to not to interfere further?

I don't think I will ever have the guts to meet her in my lifetime. It is my husbands' fault - and I think there is no point in meeting her or speaking with her. I am not sure what she was looking for in their relationship. She is a little older than me and divorced. For now, I have to go with what my husband promises me. Snooping is not something I want to keep doing the rest of my life. On the other hand , if I had done that earlier, I would've come to know about the whole thing much earlier.

Questions to ask yourself would be

1. How much would you respect the character of a person who went around when you were going through the hardest part of your life i.e just after pregancy. That 'lonely' excuse may or may not cut it depending on how forgiving you are.

2. In future How soon can you take away the thought "my husband is late today, I hope he is at work" from your mind?

3. Why didnt he speak to you instead of having a covert affair when things were drifting?

4. Is your love for him more than the hate for the lies and deciet?

When you compartmentalise into these areas you will find answers, trust is the single most important foundation of a marriage, ask yourself if the foundation can be repaired soon, or else take some time off, ask for some space and see your comfort zone. Nothing is worth having thoughts of self sympathy, live for yourself, only then will you do justice to your child and those around you.

regards

wish you luck and sorry if I sound personal

RK

Your husband has probably done the biggest mistake any man could do in a married relationship. For all ,we think in our minds about what limits and boundaries one sets in marriage, what we actually seek to do when 'it happens' might be altogether different.
If he had told you about the affair himself, I would respect that more.
Having said that, you have described that he too was going through a difficult time in many ways, and perhaps felt he didnt get the support from you that expected and didnt get. That does not excuse infidelity, but is something for you to work on.
Your plan sounds good- both of you would rather the marriage worked than not. Regarding counselling, great idea, but you must go as a couple, not just yourself.
Good luck with everything- Iam sure you will do well, posting on this forum itself indicates your wish to find a solution than just mope around. THe toddler will also help the healing process.

Response inline ..

rajradio;392460Questions to ask yourself would be

1. How much would you respect the character of a person who went around when you were going through the hardest part of your life i.e just after pregancy. That 'lonely' excuse may or may not cut it depending on how forgiving you are.

I don't think he was speaking to this woman when we in the US - meaning when I had just delivered. It all started after we came back here. A few months back. He was with me when I delivered, and helped me postpartum.

2. In future How soon can you take away the thought "my husband is late today, I hope he is at work" from your mind?
Going by my mind set now, I don't think I can ever take that off my mind. Or may be things will change.

3. Why didnt he speak to you instead of having a covert affair when things were drifting?
That is the question that I keep asking him again and again. It takes a lot of energy to build a new relation - and all that time and energy is something that he could've spent on ours. He says he tried and he never intended things to turn out this way.

4. Is your love for him more than the hate for the lies and deciet?
Right now , I think it is . I am trying to look at the positive side of the whole thing with the intention of making things work. Does that make me an emotional fool or not, I am not sure.

When you compartmentalise into these areas you will find answers, trust is the single most important foundation of a marriage, ask yourself if the foundation can be repaired soon, or else take some time off, ask for some space and see your comfort zone. Nothing is worth having thoughts of self sympathy, live for yourself, only then will you do justice to your child and those around you.

regards

wish you luck and sorry if I sound personal

RK

Thanks for taking your time to write this.

We (DW and I) know a couple very well, for nearly all of our married life and theirs as well.

Long time back, when their kid was able to run upto me crying 'Uncle, uncle' and cannon into me without doing any harm, I had told the DW that she (lady in the other couple) was ignoring and neglecting her husband and she should advise her against this. DW, though very attached to the Man in question, pooh poohed the idea as wives are wont to do.

A few years later the couple separated over an affair by the man. The guy bought another house some 6 miles away and moved out leaving the marital home to her and continued to financiallt support her. The lady would rona row to me (narrate her woes) and not to the DW(because of her attachment to him probably), even though DW was very supportive of her. He was not prepared to discuss the affair. Occasionally, we would go and spend a night at their respective places. One night at each, they lived some 200 miles from our home at the time.

One such night, the guy invited the girl over to meet us. Not strangely, the girl and I got along verry well, sharing the same idiosyncrasies, especially those that annoy he spouses. Based on my reading of her and the man, I told the DW that the man will go back to his wife.

A few years later, the couple were back together. The guy had intially argued with me that he can not face his wife and would not be able to live in that house again. But then he agreed to go back. Others can not or do not see the difference but I notice that the lady has become a little more dominant and the husband meeker. But they seem to be happy together.

I do not know what I would do in such circumstances (DW's infidelity.) A quick think - (at this age) seems to suggest that I shall let it be as long as she does not rub my face in it (other things are ok) and has been very dicreet, i.e. others are not in know. And she promises to not do it in future.

But at the same time I am not sure. Of course, she does not need my financial support and other things, she would apparently get elsewhere, so she should be fine.

Me, I guess I am self sufficient and brave enough to feel that I can live without her ( inspite of "She is everything a man could want but she is not you", have sufficient friends to keep me company.

But this is not a theory that I would like to put to test.

Another couple I know separated some 10 years ago (man having affair with his secretary), the girl with two young kids went to live with her parents (friends of us.) The man's parents also tried to intervene but the man would have none of it. The young kids used togo and spend time with their grandparents and the man would visit them there. Early last year the man came back apologised but the girl (and her parents) would have none of it. The guy kept behaving and a couple of month back the girl moved back to his house with the kids. It appears to be playing out very nicely so far.

I do not know, but the OP has to analyse her feelings as well as options and decide wgether to give him another chance. May be get him to sign over the properties and other financial instruments. That would certainly deter him from straying again.

A difficult situation to be in. Best of luck.

IdliVadaSambhar;392425
1. We are trying hard to not let this happen again - but the "what if's" are always hovering around me ..
2. I consciously try to look at everything objectively and do things to make the relation work ..I would feel like a complete idiot if I found out later that he never quit - or quit only to start again.
3. I have not been able to discuss this with anyone because I don’t want people to be judgmental about him later. But sometimes I wish I could just talk to someone and cry. Any good counselors in India?

Sure, there is always the possibility he could go back to his old ways after you forgive him. However, if you decide to forgive him, do so wholeheartedly, to give a serious chance of your relationship surviving.

IMO, you may want do this, at least once, for the sake of your Child. It really moves me whenever I see Children with Single Parents and the psychological suffering those Children go through.

But, make it clear to your husband, another strike he's out of your and Child's life. If he respects your relationship and loves you and your Child he'd not stray again. If he does stray again then you and your Child are better off saying goodbye to him.