r2i forum

Most of us (R2I,LIA or otherwise) struggle with conflicting priorities of spending time with parents, focssing on kids' future/education, our own careers etc. And most of the time we end up choosing kids/our careers over parents (if and when we have to choose one over the other). I am no different but I have one additional dimension to my situation. I have spent most of my life (since I was 8-9 years) away from parents/family (first for education and then for career, while in India as well as US) (BTW I have had a great childhood, great parents and extended family, good school etc) . I studied n boarding school between grade 5 and 10, I would go home only twice a year (one month Diwali vacation and 2 months summer vacation). When I was in college, I would go home 3-4 times a year and in last 13 years of my stya in US I have been to India about 6-7 times. Parents were here 3 times for 3-4 months everytime. So looking at the actual number of days, after 9 years of age I spent very little time with my parents. Now they got old (mother in late 50s and father in mid 60s). I started thinking about R2I after my father went through some eye operation and I could not be there. I really did not realise until few years ago that I spent all my life away from my parents and now they are getting old and they really have not had much time to enjoy life with their son and his family ( I have a sister who is married and they do visit her often). Where did all thiat time go? When did that happen? I am currenlty in a situation where I can not go back to India (and situation is very uncertain unfortunately). Sometimes I get so overwhelmed with the thought that I have not been able to give my parents what (almost) all parents enjoy in later half of their lives. And I dont know what tomorrow will bring. Any forum members in similar situation? What are your thoughts and how do you handle the situation when you feel really bad about the past (if at all you do)?

R2I-2010;407566......Now they got old (mother in late 50s and father in mid 60s)....

I was having a happy day.... !! Thanks a lot !! I really wish kids would stop divulging the age of parents and call them old.

okonomi;407568I was having a happy day.... !! Thanks a lot !! I really wish kids would stop divulging the age of parents and call them old.

Well its all relative, right? For some late 50s is young(er). But then how would I know....But thanks for calling me a kid :-) (feeling little better, and sorry for putting a break on your happy day).

OP,
Your post touched me a lot and we as parents also miss our son very much as he is away from us for the last 10 years, especially when my wife's brothers inform how well they are looked after by their children. In our case the hurt is too much as he is our only child and unfortunately we do not have a daughter. Why I am mentioning about the daughter is that we have known in many cases that daughters care more for their parents than the boys. This is unfortunate but true.
Daily we are praying almighty to give us strength to carry on like this.

delhiramanathan;407575OP,
Your post touched me a lot and we as parents also miss our son very much as he is away from us for the last 10 years, especially when my wife's brothers inform how well they are looked after by their children. In our case the hurt is too much as he is our only child and unfortunately we do not have a daughter. Why I am mentioning about the daughter is that we have known in many cases that daughters care more for their parents than the boys. This is unfortunate but true.
Daily we are praying almighty to give us strength to carry on like this.

I hope your son finds a way to spend more time with you and take care of you. I dont know his particular situation but if he could just see few years down the road he would consider spending more time with his parents. How I wish I had even more siblings. I remember, few years ago my mother mentioned about her talk with my father one day. He had said that it would have been better if their son (thats me) had become a teacher than an Engineer (not that being a teacher is any less than being an Engineer), that way he would have been with/around us. Didnt think about it much then but now when I think about it I know what exactly my father wanted to say.

Your childhood seems similar to mine.

- Boarding school from 1st to 10th grade
- Loved, and cared by family, relatives, and friends
- I am happy, and peaceful with my life

Now, I am in my 40s, but let me tell you, if anyone asks me the most important 2 years in my life, I can say this very clearly. It is when I spent my 11th grade, and 12th grade when I went back to my home town spending time with my father (mom had passed away by then). Just my dad, and me, and studies for 2 years. I will never forget that time. Lot of shared life stories, and time together. I cherish it all the time. My dad has passed away since then.

Loneliness, and separation anxiety for older people (that have stopped working or being part of a regular business) can be punishing. If I had to turn back the clock, I would not have left for my undergraduate degree to a far off place after that two years. Within a year of me going to my undergraduate studies, my dad passed away. Given a choice, I would have liked to prolong my time spent with him, and may have prolonged his time on this earth.

In the end, it is all just fine. Follow your heart.

Have fun.

R21-2010,
We aborted the 2nd child as we felt at that time one is enough and we should give a better education to our son so that he is well qualified and earns well. He is now well qualified and earns well but only thing is he is miles away from us. Did we make a mistake not to have the 2nd child at that time. Time alone will tell.

^^^^ On a question on how much of past life one should share with one's children, the subject of abortion came up in Women's Corner. Member Se? doctor Cabo mentioned that in India it is a lot easier to mention the word "abortion" and discuss rationales than in the USA. Have you shared your (above) rationale with your son ? Would it ( did it ) make him feel guilty about not making more time for his parents now ? { please feel free to ignore this }

R2I-2010;407566...I am currently in a situation where I can not go back to India (and situation is very uncertain unfortunately). Sometimes I get so overwhelmed with the thought that I have not been able to give my parents what (almost) all parents enjoy in later half of their lives. And I dont know what tomorrow will bring. Any forum members in similar situation? What are your thoughts and how do you handle the situation when you feel really bad about the past (if at all you do)?

I also wish I could be near my parents, either in India or by their being in the U.S. There are many reasons why either is not possible. The reasons weigh me down at times. Then, I stand in front of the mirror, and Hindi-movie style, my alter-ego speaks sternly to me: "Really, is it so difficult to achieve living near your parents? Or, are the sacrifices/compromises/changes it calls for unpalatable to you?" And some more frank talk to that effect. Such a talking-to takes away the edge of the melancholy, and I am able to go about life with an adjusted melancholy level that is easier to deal with. : )

How do I handle the situation - I am the Momma (LOH). If I ain't happy, ain't nobody happy. The day, week, month, nee life, of three people (none of them member here to the best of my knowledge :) ) depends on my mood, happiness and melancholy level. That awareness makes me able to handle it and snap out of it when I feel overly bad about the past, present or future.

LOH - lady of the house

I would not want to make him guilty with that talk. I think parents in general don't like making kids feel guilty. Becoz imposed guilt cannot bring in permanent emotional change. Also nothing stops your son from saying that there are no guarantees even with the second child. I know it is very difficult in your situation but nobody can help you but yourself. The more you expect from your son, the more miserable you will be. And I know this is easier said than done but you have to stop making your son the center of your universe. His seems to be different from yours.

okonomi;407904^^^^ On a question on how much of past life one should share with one's children, the subject of abortion came up in Women's Corner. Member Se? doctor Cabo mentioned that in India it is a lot easier to mention the word "abortion" and discuss rationales than in the USA. Have you shared your (above) rationale with your son ? Would it ( did it ) make him feel guilty about not making more time for his parents now ? { please feel free to ignore this }