r2i forum

Posted: **Tue Mar 18, 2008 7:47 pm**

Folks,

I am a new member on this website and found it quite interesting. I always wonder

have I changed my values living all these yrs abroad,

I feel the differences between my and my family thinking are so huge that probably we won?t be happy together anymore.

Do any of you come across similar thoughts?

Here I have described my background and looking for advice on a particular problem I am facing currently.

I come from a very conservative family (joint family, where my Uncle Hitler makes all the decisions), where girls are not allowed to get masters degree (Bachelor is enough, anyway you are suppose to cook, clean, have babies and for that MS is not needed. Still I fought and did my MS in USA.

Met a handsome Indian guy who was living in Germany and got married to him 5 yrs ago and moved to Germany.

Recently delivered a child (who is 5 months ). My MIL came here to be with her grandchild and that?s were problem starts.

I am a veggie and my husband not. We decided to make our child non-veg. My MIL creates a theatre (crying, telling us to kill her?before cooking eggs in her house.. complete bollywood style) even when we try to cook eggs (in separate vessel). She makes such a scene that you do not feel like going home from work. She doesn?t eat onion, garlic and I have to cook separate food for her. She does no house work whatsoever. Here, I have a small baby, I have to work, cook, clean and there is no word of appreciation. She told me you are a women and its your duty to do all these things. Is it fair? Is this Indian tradition we are so proud of? How are we suppose to make our child eat chicken when we are not allowed to cook eggs? When it come to work then its your house and when it come to cooking what she doesn?t like then you cannot cook this in my house!

I tried to talk to her about finding a middle way. She blatantly refused to talk to me. She told me I will discuss this with my Son and there is no need for you to talk to me about this issue. So?how should I feel? That I do not belong to this family. When controversial things are discussed then I should be out of it.

We will soon be going to India with our baby and MIL plans to have a celebration, which is okay with me. There she wants me to touch every relative feet?s and give them money. I told her I will touch their feet?s but I won?t give money because I do not like this tradition of giving and taking money?and there goes another fight of how selfish I am!! Really am I selfish? Tomorrow I do not want my kids to take dowry or any sort of laindain. How can I myself do it?

She tells me you cannot change entire nation, so just follow whats happening?.there is no ray of hope. I do not want this for my children. I want to tell them Boond Boond sey sagar banta?.if there is no ray of hope why should I go back to India? (we want to R2I and one major reason is she)

Well, my husband is extremely supportive but when his mother cries and stops eating there is very little he can do. He is quite exhausted with her, but nothing can be done about it.

Personally I feel, how long I would be subjected to discrimination because I am a women, first my family did it and now my MIL. Why should I take care of such a women who has no respect for me? She tells me I can do what I want after she dies?so I cannot live my live on my principles till she is alive? Why Indian culture has to interfere so much in others life? Why there is absolutely no privacy given? We can live very happily, I am ready to do things for her (I already do a lot for her)?.I would love that my child has a dadi and my husband have mental piece that he is taking care of his mother?but now I don?t know how.

Any advice would be very much appreciated.

Posted: **Tue Mar 18, 2008 8:11 pm**

The only option is to keep distance! Talk to your husband about getting your MIL back to India! or at least a separate house!

Posted: **Tue Mar 18, 2008 8:20 pm**

You should be happy that atleast your hubby is on your side. Lot of man does not understand what wives have to go thru to adjust with his parents. Ask him to talk to her instead of you talking. They will listen to their sons!!

Posted: **Tue Mar 18, 2008 9:39 pm**

You are in one tough situtation.

It is good that the husband is supportive.

This problem may wax and wane over the years but it is there to stay for the next 25 years or so. This is a clash of older vs newer times. It is in essence a clash of cultures, even though both are Indian cultures but that yours is a more modern and hers a more traditional (not necessarily better or good, but just that more of an older).

How to resolve this problem?

First things is to recognize that for people who have grown as veg and many that do not eat garlic and onions, cooking eggs, smell of meat can be repulsive (BTW, this note is coming from a person who has no qualms about eating almost anything except frog legs). That your husband is a non veg should help and he should intervene but you do not want two battles at this time.

I would suggest that on the non veg part if for the next cople of months or so that she is here if some food habits can be adjusted in terms of frequency of non veg and where eaten, that should relieve some tension. It really is an issue of understanding from her perspective and compromising from your side.

Is she intentionally creating a ruckus on non veg issue or does it really bother her. If it really bothers her then you should be accomodating. If you sense that it is intentional, then your approach need not be as compromising.

re housework, it can get irritating and frustrating, if one feels that someone is not picking up their fair share of the load.

One way to tackle that is to discuss with your husband what are fair expectations from here and then with a very calm voice and combined stand communicate your expectations without being demanding. In fact if you can do it tactfully as seeking help from her (maska), it might work.

The other approach is to look at it entirely differently and look at it as if you have no help. What if the MIL was not here? Who would do the work then? You and your husband. So in that case, focus less on her work, let her do that and continue doing your work.

Your husband should help in sharing that house work, but you do not want two battles at this time. At this time, you want your husband on your side.

He probably feels like between rock and hard place (no offence intended but there is a clash here - both sides have certain expectations that are not being met and at least one side feels being imposed upon).

Other than shipping her off back to India, your only choice is a compromise and understanding. Confrontation will lead to some level of marital discord that can last for a long time, unless your husband fully appreciates and understands the situation.

If I have more thoughts, I will share them for a penny.

Posted: **Tue Mar 18, 2008 10:31 pm**

We have heard one side of the story and there often is other side, always.

If your hubby is non-veg and you are veggie, don't know why it would so hard as to not cook non-veg inside of the house for couple of months? You guys can always go out and eat.

As far as house work goes, despite you and your hubby work, you both can share the household chores as you would do when MIL is not there, if MIL doesn't want to help. What's big deal with housework with vacuum cleaners, dishwashers, plenty of water running 24/7? Sometimes we make a prestigious issue over small things.

In an ideal situation, you would expect that MIL would help little bit here and there and behave decently.

Your problems may not be as big as you think they are.

You asked about Indian values, I know it is easier said than done, but Indian values in situation like this would be one of accommodating, understanding and tolerance. Again I don't know how draconian your MIL is or isn't.

Posted: **Tue Mar 18, 2008 11:09 pm**

Jaggudada;89433If your hubby is non-veg and you are veggie, don't know why it would so hard as to not cook non-veg inside of the house for couple of months? You guys can always go out and eat. [/quote]

We do not cook any non-veg at home, except we tried cooking eggs few times (in seperate vessel) Morover this whole discussion is about we want to R2I, what then?

Jaggudada;89433As far as house work goes, despite you and your hubby work, you both can share the household chores as you would do when MIL is not there, if MIL doesn't want to help. What's big deal with housework with vacuum cleaners, dishwashers, plenty of water running 24/7? Sometimes we make a prestigious issue over small things.[/quote]

When MIL was not there me and my husband managed. Now, we have a baby. I need time with my child. I can do all the house work (which all I have to do, because she doesn't let her son do it) and go to office. But tell me, when should I spend time with my baby?BTW, we do not have a dishwasher.

Jaggudada;89433Your problems may not be as big as you think they are.[/quote]
Trust me, I won't be here, seeking advice if that was the case. Last time when she visited us, my husband got stress related problems...which took yrs to get resolved. It is not a saas-bahu drama..infact I hardly give my opinions. My husband and her eating habbits are very different. All I am worried about is my husband not loosing his nerve again and some peaceful arrangement where everybody is happy.

Jaggudada;89433You asked about Indian values, I know it is easier said than done, but Indian values in situation like this would be one of accommodating, understanding and tolerance. Again I don't know how draconian your MIL is or isn't.[/quote]
You know, all these BIG words sound very good..and one can use them in life if its at times and we all do it. But when it becomes a everyday thing...life starts to suck! My little baby is at home (whom I want to hold)and I do not feel like going home, because she is all upset...not talking and hence my husband is feeling guilty...and Iam stuck in between!

Posted: **Tue Mar 18, 2008 11:15 pm**

[quote]
When MIL was not there me and my husband managed. Now, we have a baby. I need time with my child. I can do all the house work (which all I have to do, because she doesn't let her son do it) and go to office. But tell me, when should I spend time with my baby?BTW, we do not have a dishwasher.
[/quote]
I would n't call your husband extremely supportive, if he doesn't convinces your MIL why he has to pitch in. It seems you are unfairly taxed.

Posted: **Tue Mar 18, 2008 11:35 pm**

Parul;89441

You know, all these BIG words sound very good..and one can use them in life if its at times and we all do it. But when it becomes a everyday thing...life starts to suck! My little baby is at home (whom I want to hold)and I do not feel like going home, because she is all upset...not talking and hence my husband is feeling guilty...and Iam stuck in between!

That's tough one. I now see how you might be feeling when you are so afraid of your MIL and hesitating to even go home. When I was kid I didn't enjoy going to my nana's place as he was very strict.

I know my previous post could have easily irritated you and you could have shot back pointing fingers at me, you didn't do it so that tells me that you are a pretty level headed woman.

There is so much dis-chord and distrust between you two, unless something changes drastically I don't know how you can heal the relationship. Maintaining some distance when you R2I will be helpful till you see the atmosphere begin to change.

Posted: **Wed Mar 19, 2008 12:30 am**

Based on the practical scenarios I have seen I think in this case your husband has to make a decision as to whether he is going to accommodate you or his mother. It is not possible to bring two poles together. One of you have to be sidelined. It is harsh but true.

Posted: **Wed Mar 19, 2008 3:52 am**

All the replies you seem to have got is from guys who can have no idea how stressful it is to have an infant and work full-time, cook and clean house, let alone deal with cranky MILs!

I had my set of in-law problems when I was younger (things get way better as you both age - believe me). First, get a dishwasher installed or get one of those portable ones. Get a housekeeper once a week (not once a month) - makes a whole lot of difference at least for a few months. You will find you some time to spend with your child. As far as cooking egg, don't do it till your mil goes home - you can feed the child eggs when you go out to eat. The baby foods are highly fotified and your child will not miss the nutrients of egg for a short while. So pick your battles. If you can get a cook (I know it is hard) for a couple of days a week, nothing like that. Of course, this will all cost money - but you decide money or peace of mind.

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