r2i forum

My parents as well as my in-laws have too many expections from us. Has anyone else experience the same thing?

e.g. Both of the sets of parents have mindset of exploiting maids. When we say no, they feel we are not ready to listen to their suggestions/advices. Hence we do not respect them.

They themselves have not done many things for their parents (our grandparents)
We did not buy a car for them from our own money. So the conclusion is we are running behind money and do not care about them. My arguement is in their generation they bought 2-wheeler for themselves. They were not bothered buying a 2-wheeler for their parents. Why should they expect it from us?

Even when they sneeze or cough they expect us to hold their hands an take them to doctors. Now our parents had nuclear families and they themselves never did any such thing for our grandparents.

Then there are relatives. Both the sides relatives provoke the parents.
e.g. They are celebrating their son's birthday and not celebrating your birthday in a big way.
Our parents never even wished our grandparents........forget about any celebration!
The relatives who provoke do not talk to their own parents. But our parents just get carried away with all these and get angry at us.

As a result the distance between us is increasing.
We are only son and only daughter. Can this be the reason for too many expections?

In my opinion do away with the grandparents comparison. Them not doing something for their parents should not be a justification for you for doing/ not doing something. Ultimately you need to take the decision if keeping your parents happy makes you happy. As simple as that

Question yourselfs, when your parents ask something, do you ask your mind or heart ? What would you expect from your son when you will be like your parents ?

IMHO, for me, if they ask me something, most of the time I ask few questions and then give them what they want, I think they DESERVE it. You can't justify your existence today by just giving what they asked, it is much more than that. Of course there are situations where it may look ridiculous, but as a Son/Daughter you owe them, how they use it doesn't matter.

Few times when I think the expectation can be met by using already available resources, I never hesitant to point, but if they still insist, I let them do what they want.

Unsolicited advice:

You can let the "wheels of the bus go round and round . . round and round . ." or you can really make a difference by a small shift of attitude.

Good luck!

gbgb;285831 My arguement is in their generation they bought 2-wheeler for themselves. They were not bothered buying a 2-wheeler for their parents. Why should they expect it from us?

There are some arguments in life that you can't win. Arguing with parents or in-laws is one such thing.

There are a few pointers that may help with your situation:-

[LIST=1]

Keep consistency. If you do something to your mother, help your wife's mother the same way, unless they themselves say no.

Set expectations. Openly say that your primary goal is your, wife's and children's lifestyle. You are ready to offer helping hand to both sides of parents, but not at the cost of your own family. Emergencies are different stories.

Define what's an emergency and what's not. Make them aware of that and then follow #1.

Ignore rest of relatives beyond casual hello & byes. In India, if you start catering to all & sundry, you won't be able to do anything meaningful for yourself. Again, don't take this too far that you don't visit your uncle when he is in an ICU.
[/LIST]
Finally, since you both don't have siblings, that could be a case for exceeded dependency.

gbgb;285831My parents as well as my in-laws have too many expections from us.

It would be amazing coincidence if BOTH sets of parents have the same attitude. I suspect that you need to look at yourself. No. I don't mean that you have an issue. It is very likely that you are working yourself up.

Let me give you an example: Every morning, my wife and myself drive to office. I drive and she 'describes' what she sees on the road. When my wife ooh-and aahs about fancy houses (which is everyday), I start wondering if I am not keeping my wife happy enough and slowly I start simmering inside. She probably doesn't even care much for the grand houses but I get myself worked up for a few minutes and start questioning her attitude. Well, my simmering stops at the next speed bump but it is entirely possible for me to go downhill with my feelings.

I think something of that sort is happening to you. You take their minor statements much more seriously that they are worth. do they pester you for a car everyday? I doubt it. Probably they mentioned it on a couple of occasions and are best forgotten. A certain level of cheerfulness is required when dealing with parents. If you carry the resentment while dealing with them, you will not make anybody happy.

Get rid of the notion that it is your responsibility to keep them happy. Let them find their own happyness and you find yours. If they want a car from you thats their problem. You should buy them a car ONLY IF it makes you happy and gives you a sense of achievement.

And relatives? KirkS advice is very appropriate in that regard.

OP,
I wonder if -
1. Both you and your wife are high achievers in your family compared to the relatives?
2. Have you set the bar too high initially and now its becoming bit too much to deal with?

Often what happens is us kids try to overplease the parents and raise the expectation level.It is not impossible to apply correction , it sure is very difficult.

nj_tina;285969OP,
I wonder if -
1. Both you and your wife are high achievers in your family compared to the relatives?
2. Have you set the bar too high initially and now its becoming bit too much to deal with?

Often what happens is us kids try to overplease the parents and raise the expectation level.It is not impossible to apply correction , it sure is very difficult.

Not sure, if you read H&B.. But anyway, nice Signature..

indigoyogi;285991Not sure, if you read H&B..

Am I missing something related to this post? :confused:

[QUOTE]But anyway, nice Signature..
Thank you

We have to set our own priorities straight and convey them to our near and dear ones. If they wish to live their lives comparing with others, that is their self-concocted recipe for unhappiness. It is in the interest of our own long term sanity that we set clear boundaries.

Btw, you keep rationalizing your stand by comparing your attitude to your parents with your parents attitude to their parents (your grand parents). How do their parenting skills compare? Were your parents better parents to you?

JMO.