r2i forum

May be this is spin off from other thread wich read "Really Sad" where in a lady who burnt her self live with kid was posted in form of link

I read another story today on msn. Where a lady threw her toddler in hudson river yesterday or so and had terrible discord with husband

http://news.in.msn.com/international/article.aspx?cp-documentid=3912366

The article says she wanted to go back to India with kid but may be was not allowed to by husband. Few months back I had read another story of a lady on one of the web sites where she wanted to desperately go to India with her baby but husband had hidden passport of the child. Later he allowed her to go. She was in so desperate situation, almost getting insane by the time she got to go to India.

In 2004 I was living in Hyderabad I had moved in a apartment which was a fairly new building and had heard that before completion there was a incidence that had happened. A lady along with two kids aged 9-11 jumped to death from the building terrace. All three died. She was married to a lawyer and was having marital problems.

Coming back to Indian folks living in US/abroad who are actually trapped in marital discord, where one person cannot live in US with kid alone and other does not want to go back. But both cannot live together either properly and kids get squeezed in between. I feel sad reading such stories , also feel sad what is marriage institution becoming these days . Are bad marriages becoming death trap for kids and couples more so off late?

When it comes to kids custody its becoming nasty. If one of the parent leaves the kid with other, he or she can be acccused of abandonment. Or if he or she takes kid with them, he or she can be accused of kidnap. Many times couples who are divorced who live in US together for years and have a kid, the court grants joint custody. But after divorce woman or man would want to go back to India, as life gets more lonely. People need support to be with their family , to take care of child , it is easy in India . But when other partner after divorce wants to keep living and also shows equal love towards kid that he or she cannot go without seeing the kid for long, the situation gets dicy . How are couples going to manage this situation who are trapped in divorce or maritcal discord but live in US?

Thanks for the article VA. It is sad innit?

I suppose one key element to domestic violence is "money".

cnu;291780Thanks for the article VA. It is sad innit?

I suppose one key element to domestic violence is "money".

- Key element is "power and control"

LuvVsp;291910- Key element is "power and control"

The other day I was at a food court with my wife. A few rows away a young Indian "couple" (not sure if they married..wife thinks not) were eating as well. The food court was not overtly crowded but there were over 50 people. The "couple" were seemingly having a good conversation (they had been ahead of me in the Taco bell queue). I guess somewhere things didint go right and we saw the guy give a tight slap to the girl. The girl was facing us so we could see what happened. The girl started to cry though she also tried not to attract attention. The guy in the mean time got up and started to walk away. However for whatever reason he reversed course and came back in like 30 seconds and sat opposite to the girl again and started to talk to her. IN the mean time a couple of white boys in their teens who had also seen the slap started to stare at the guy quite seriously. Then one of them came close to their table kind of knelled down and said something to the girl. He then proceeded to call the building security. He came back with 2-3 guards and security personal (not 911 or cops) in the next 2 minutes who then started to question the boy....at this point we left the food court to come back...

The incident got me thinking on the following -
1. Why didnt I call the security on this guy? I guess I did what we are taught to do in India which is think "not my problem"..compared to me the white boy just got up talked to the girl and then called the security. (I guess I forgot to add above that as he came back with security he went on to curse the boy left right forcing the security to first ask him to go and sit somewhere else)
2. What do you think the girl did? I can bet she did not file any charges and if they are a "couple" she will continue to be slapped (I believe that once a man raises his hand he never stops).
3. What was the guy thinking..

Anyways not sure if this is relevant to this post but thought ill add it here anyways....

oasis138;291926
1. Why didnt I call the security on this guy? I guess I did what we are taught to do in India which is think "not my problem"..compared to me the white boy just got up talked to the girl and then called the security.

Not true always. I agree there is this 'who cares' attitude, but there are a lot of people that do intervene. There is an abusive husband in our street who used to beat his wife to pulp and my dad (and few others occasionally) in the whole street try to stop him.. Guess what, after few years the lady told my dad 'Anna, I'll take care of it'. This lady has a lot of respect for my family for the help we did when after each domestic violence episode, my mom used to give cooked food to her and her family until she recovers. Now, the abusive husband has since mellowed down and it is his children' turn to hit their father.

Lot of people are reluctant to help, afraid what if the abused woman blames the person trying to help as making matters worse? Of course, in extreme situations it is okay to help without it being sought.

oasis138;291926The incident got me thinking on the following -
1. Why didnt I call the security on this guy? I guess I did what we are taught to do in India which is think "not my problem"..compared to me the white boy just got up talked to the girl and then called the security.

More than not caring attitude, I think we are trained to think that police will never help. Hence our reaction is not to approach security.

Hmmmm...quite an interesting thread.....#4oasis138...very interesting lil story......made me wonder what i would've done, had i been in your position.....
Now, regarding the issue being discussed, i always stand up for women's rights, but i also am a big believer in " You teach people how to treat you"....so in most domestic voilence cases i don't really have a lotta sympathy for the woman being abused....atleast no sympathy if the abuse is ongoing and it's not the 1st time. I beleive that voilence in a marraige is a deal breaker......you cannot negotiate that, and rarely ever can such behaviour be changed, so i think women should take steps to end the abuse the very first time it happens, steps like filing a complaint, temporary separation, or counselling, etc.......any woman who has let herself become the doormat and just takes the beatings everytime from her man, is asking for what she gets.... I really don't think it takes, education or money to be able to satnd up for yourself, there are plenty of educated, working, wealthy women, who take a lotta abuse from their men....on the other hand, i remember when i was in college...my mom's maid at the time, who had been married no more than 6 months - 1 year, left her husband because he hit her....she did not have much formal education, or wasn't rich, but respected herself enough to stand up for herself, so in this matter, i think more than the abuser, it is the person who keeps on taking the abuse who's more at fault, it is certain self-esteem issues that women who stay in such relationships have that enable their men to exploit these women....I know my views are harsh on the matter...but voilence in any form, for any reason, is unacceptable, and anyone who convey's the message that it is accepted, by their actions, or rather inaction....have to carry some of the blame...
'

returning_indian;291968More than not caring attitude, I think we are trained to think that police will never help. Hence our reaction is not to approach security.

Yes this is completely accurate, in india, we believe that we are inviting troubles by getting involved in police matters, hence the mute spectator approach is very popular....
I remember one story, which even though is unrelated to this topic, is about the police issue.....A close famlily friend's dad, had been walking the street in thane...he was just going to his son's place a couple of streets away....on his way there he was hit by a car, knocked unconscious, and was bleeding profusely....the car that hit him, drove off, some other people picked him up from the road, and placed him on the divider between the two roads, and went about their day, when after a couple of hours the dad hadn't reached his son's home, the son got worried, and started walking towards the father's home, in hopes of finding him, along the way, and found him on the divider, they took him to the hospital, but by them he had passed due to bleeding to death....it was a very very unfortunate incident, and yet sadly it's quite common, especially in big cities like mumbai...simply because people find it too much of a hassle to get involved in police matters.....

oasis138;291926
The incident got me thinking on the following -
1. Why didnt I call the security on this guy?

Thought provoking question...I think the same attitude when we passed by road accident? Somehow our brain got used to not to interfare with Police system for whatever right/wrong reasons.

oasis138;291926The other day I was at a food court with my wife. A few rows away a young Indian "couple" (not sure if they married..wife thinks not) were eating as well. The food court was not overtly crowded but there were over 50 people. The "couple" were seemingly having a good conversation (they had been ahead of me in the Taco bell queue). I guess somewhere things didint go right and we saw the guy give a tight slap to the girl. The girl was facing us so we could see what happened. The girl started to cry though she also tried not to attract attention. The guy in the mean time got up and started to walk away. However for whatever reason he reversed course and came back in like 30 seconds and sat opposite to the girl again and started to talk to her. IN the mean time a couple of white boys in their teens who had also seen the slap started to stare at the guy quite seriously. Then one of them came close to their table kind of knelled down and said something to the girl. He then proceeded to call the building security. He came back with 2-3 guards and security personal (not 911 or cops) in the next 2 minutes who then started to question the boy....at this point we left the food court to come back...

The incident got me thinking on the following -
1. Why didnt I call the security on this guy? I guess I did what we are taught to do in India which is think "not my problem"..compared to me the white boy just got up talked to the girl and then called the security. (I guess I forgot to add above that as he came back with security he went on to curse the boy left right forcing the security to first ask him to go and sit somewhere else)
2. What do you think the girl did? I can bet she did not file any charges and if they are a "couple" she will continue to be slapped (I believe that once a man raises his hand he never stops).
3. What was the guy thinking..

Anyways not sure if this is relevant to this post but thought ill add it here anyways....

The right thing to do is to call the police and agree to be a witness. The girl does not have to press charges, the police will if they are convinced that it was abuse and if the town has zero tolerance policy on domestic abuse. They will plead with the judge to treat wife as a hostile witness and let the wife know in no uncertain terms as to what the punishment is for perjury and lying on the witness stand.

Else, they will recommend counselling. If there are young children involved, there will be greater concern to see if DCFS (Dept of child and family services) should be called.

The problem with this approach is that if convicted this goes on his record and could become a problem during job hunting or changing jobs.

<<< (I believe that once a man raises his hand he never stops). >>> Not true. The fear of police and arrest can do wonders and put enough fear for many not to repeat, especially if the wife in no uncertain terms shows that she will call the police if this happens again.

In some cases, if the police is called by the wife, it can lead to irretrievable breakdown of marriage and lead to divorce. I have been recently involved in working with one such case and it ended in a divorce (here the woman had tolerated for a long time and still did not want the divorce). In another case, I am hoping that some counselling will work.