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Last week I met one of my friends during my vacation to west coast and found him to be totally different. When he used to live in east coast three years ago, he was bubbly, enthusiastic and very active. If there is any social event in our circle, he would be the first one to roll up his sleves and get most of the things done. This time when I met him after a gap of three years, he was self absorbed, got easily irritated and kept mostly to himself the first couple of days. I was so concerned for him and took the courage to have one on one conversation regarding his situation. Initially he was reluctant and did not open up, but after couple of hours, he opened up. His married life is not going that well and due to marriage and work stress he put on lots of weight. Due to the weight, his confidence has taken a beating and his self esteem also has gone low. From the last three months, he has been contemplating to quit the job and take up full time exercise / wellness program to get back to normal. I suggested him not to take the route as getting back to workforce after leaving job can be hard. I have a feeling that he is still not convinced and wants to quit the job to lose weight, get in shape. He also told me that throughout his life even though he was thin before he put on weight, he never had attractive body with big muscles etc. I dont know whether my friend is suffering from inferiority complex or lack of self confidenece or some kind of mental / psychological problem. He is very conservative and probably would not agree going to a counseler. I am seriously out of ideas how to help him without hurting. By the way his wife is employed, so financially even though they may take a hit if he quits his job, they can still survive. Any suggestions or thoughts how to approach this? Unfortunately I am in east coast and cannot make frequent trips, so most of my help is through phone or email

prasads:

With whatever limited info you have provided, there are some options:-

If the problem is job related:
a) Change job - If stress is primarily due to a tough or stressful job, changing the job is an option.
b) Taking a long break - Instead of leaving the job, how about a 2 months time off? In CA, vacation accrual & FMLA likes are quite relaxed. Also, a heart-to-heart talk with the employer about mental stress could get him a long vacation or at least very relaxed work schedule (with some comp hit) for months

If the problem is marriage related:
a) It could be an issue with sex life. I know this could get very personal for you to handle remotely, but a possibly. Sex or conception problems driving folks nuts daring them to take bigger risks. For that he needs medical support, which you can only guide towards.
b) If the above is not really a sex related thing, but more of a physical inferiority complex, within marriage, then just a few morale boosting outings, talks & slow progress towards the 'body' he wants might just work fine. Taking employment risk for this particular case is unnecessary.

So drill down to see which category the problem is and then if you could, give anecdotes or suggestions openly about the rest. Keep in mind, majority of the folks would NOT be willing to take a suggestion or talk in depth about this kind of thing, particularly marriage related. In that case, your other option could be to encourage him to join anonymous forum like this to talk this through. That's a long shot, but hey, nothing is impossible!

Good luck & nice to see your concern like a true friend! It speaks a lot about your own character
-K

prasads;318968Last week I met one of my friends during my vacation to west coast and found him to be totally different. When he used to live in east coast three years ago, he was bubbly, enthusiastic and very active. If there is any social event in our circle, he would be the first one to roll up his sleves and get most of the things done. This time when I met him after a gap of three years, he was self absorbed, got easily irritated and kept mostly to himself the first couple of days. I was so concerned for him and took the courage to have one on one conversation regarding his situation. Initially he was reluctant and did not open up, but after couple of hours, he opened up. His married life is not going that well and due to marriage and work stress he put on lots of weight. Due to the weight, his confidence has taken a beating and his self esteem also has gone low. From the last three months, he has been contemplating to quit the job and take up full time exercise / wellness program to get back to normal. I suggested him not to take the route as getting back to workforce after leaving job can be hard. I have a feeling that he is still not convinced and wants to quit the job to lose weight, get in shape. He also told me that throughout his life even though he was thin before he put on weight, he never had attractive body with big muscles etc. I dont know whether my friend is suffering from inferiority complex or lack of self confidenece or some kind of mental / psychological problem. He is very conservative and probably would not agree going to a counseler. I am seriously out of ideas how to help him without hurting. By the way his wife is employed, so financially even though they may take a hit if he quits his job, they can still survive. Any suggestions or thoughts how to approach this? Unfortunately I am in east coast and cannot make frequent trips, so most of my help is through phone or email

Weight gain, loss of cheerfulness, drastic decision thoughts (quitting job) etc, who knows - may be he has slipped into a depression or maybe the marital and work life has been too stressful.

To do anything in such a situation requires a lot of commitment and time to be able to counsel, understand what the key problems are, reasons for behavioral change and guide towards meaningful solutions. Further, if he is indeed in a depression, he would need professional and clinical help. I think, given what you have stated, the best you can do, is do a search for 3 or 4 counsellors, some near his place of work and some near his home. Once you have narrowed the list, keep talking to him and convince him to go for counselling for at least 2 to 3 sessions and once he has gone for those, check his pulse, if he does not want to continue, egg him on further for more.

prasads;318968Last week I met one of my friends during my vacation to west coast and found him to be totally different. When he used to live in east coast three years ago, he was bubbly, enthusiastic and very active. If there is any social event in our circle, he would be the first one to roll up his sleves and get most of the things done. This time when I met him after a gap of three years, he was self absorbed, got easily irritated and kept mostly to himself the first couple of days. I was so concerned for him and took the courage to have one on one conversation regarding his situation. Initially he was reluctant and did not open up, but after couple of hours, he opened up. His married life is not going that well and due to marriage and work stress he put on lots of weight. Due to the weight, his confidence has taken a beating and his self esteem also has gone low. From the last three months, he has been contemplating to quit the job and take up full time exercise / wellness program to get back to normal. I suggested him not to take the route as getting back to workforce after leaving job can be hard. I have a feeling that he is still not convinced and wants to quit the job to lose weight, get in shape. He also told me that throughout his life even though he was thin before he put on weight, he never had attractive body with big muscles etc. I dont know whether my friend is suffering from inferiority complex or lack of self confidenece or some kind of mental / psychological problem. He is very conservative and probably would not agree going to a counseler. I am seriously out of ideas how to help him without hurting. By the way his wife is employed, so financially even though they may take a hit if he quits his job, they can still survive. Any suggestions or thoughts how to approach this? Unfortunately I am in east coast and cannot make frequent trips, so most of my help is through phone or email

If he likes playing any sports, ask him if he has an opportunity to play them near his place (like cricket/volleyball/badminton).. A lot of times,playing sports loosens people up, brings down the stress level and is easier for people to do than physical exercise as they love doing it.

Though he did not tell me, I think these thoughts are probably triggered because he used to be a social animal in East Coast and due to the move, he did not have many friends. While here, he used to indulge in unharmful flirt talk with ladies. We all used to feel sometimes jealous how he was able to break ice with opposite gender. My theory is weight gain might have brought inferiority complex and he was avoiding talk with ladies, let alone flirting.

Desi;319001Weight gain, loss of cheerfulness, drastic decision thoughts (quitting job) etc, who knows - may be he has slipped into a depression or maybe the marital and work life has been too stressful.

To do anything in such a situation requires a lot of commitment and time to be able to counsel, understand what the key problems are, reasons for behavioral change and guide towards meaningful solutions. Further, if he is indeed in a depression, he would need professional and clinical help. I think, given what you have stated, the best you can do, is do a search for 3 or 4 counsellors, some near his place of work and some near his home. Once you have narrowed the list, keep talking to him and convince him to go for counselling for at least 2 to 3 sessions and once he has gone for those, check his pulse, if he does not want to continue, egg him on further for more.

Unfortunately I dont have much past experience in this area i.e convincing someone to take medical help for psychological problems. Without consent of him, I learnt that it is not possible for even the wife to take him to a psychologist / psychiatrist. I know he used to "listen" to his mother, dont know current situation, but will definetly try that route. His mother may not accept that her son has psychological issues, I think it will take lots of convincing to get her agree to talk to her son..

Like Desi said if it is indeed depression, then it definitely needs professional help. No amount of family support will help and might make situation worse.

But it is very likely that most of his problems are risen from weight gain and lack of social circle. Weight gain can result in loss of self confidence, not wanting to meet new people or old friends, avoiding social circles, loss of interest in sexual intimacy, lethargy (which results in gaining more), if food helps emotionally then over eating becomes a problem, feeling of guilt with overeating and lack of exercise, loss of control over your life can result in depression further. Only way to get out of this is to get disciplined. Get up at 6 and go for a simple walk. Throw away all the fatty foods from house. Do not eat anything outside. Lot of fruits and veggies. Simple food like roti/sabji. Lot of dairy and some eggs. One tip is to get a one on one trainer for an hour a day. This keeps you in check. Discuss weight problem with your friends (very hard to do). Join online/local weight loss club like weight watchers. You will see weight loss in huge amount within one month (upto 10lbs or more). Once you lose 20lbs you gain lot of self confidence and your work speeds up. Another main thing, there will be few lapses along the way where you fall off the bang wagon, which is perfectly fine. As for marital problems, I would say losing weight might give self confidence and positive attitude. Irritation will go away.

Sabbatical for one year will not help in losing weight. It might result in further conflict with wife, loss of income will result in further loss of control in life which can increase irritability and lower confidence. We all think if we had free time we would exercise and become Arnold. But it never happens unless you are super motivated and extremely overweight. Most likely he will end up gaining more. So quitting job should be totally out of question. If he works 40hrs then he has plenty of time to de-stress. Key is discipline, discipline, discipline. Ask him to get up at 5-6am everyday and go for a simple walk and control on food.

KirKS;318996prasads:

With whatever limited info you have provided, there are some options:-

If the problem is job related:
a) Change job - If stress is primarily due to a tough or stressful job, changing the job is an option.
b) Taking a long break - Instead of leaving the job, how about a 2 months time off? In CA, vacation accrual & FMLA likes are quite relaxed. Also, a heart-to-heart talk with the employer about mental stress could get him a long vacation or at least very relaxed work schedule (with some comp hit) for months

If the problem is marriage related:
a) It could be an issue with sex life. I know this could get very personal for you to handle remotely, but a possibly. Sex or conception problems driving folks nuts daring them to take bigger risks. For that he needs medical support, which you can only guide towards.
b) If the above is not really a sex related thing, but more of a physical inferiority complex, within marriage, then just a few morale boosting outings, talks & slow progress towards the 'body' he wants might just work fine. Taking employment risk for this particular case is unnecessary.

So drill down to see which category the problem is and then if you could, give anecdotes or suggestions openly about the rest. Keep in mind, majority of the folks would NOT be willing to take a suggestion or talk in depth about this kind of thing, particularly marriage related. In that case, your other option could be to encourage him to join anonymous forum like this to talk this through. That's a long shot, but hey, nothing is impossible!

Good luck & nice to see your concern like a true friend! It speaks a lot about your own character
-K

Thanks for a well articulated response, it is very helpful. It is hard to see him this way, he used to have a good life and now it seems his life is going down hill.. Also, his face is a bit swollen due to weight gain, plump cheeks and tiry eyes. When I asked him about stress, he mentioned it was due to India offshore calls late in the evening and his client is very demanding

He needs Yoga to find him. Take up some Asanas and some Pranayama to start with. Start with some Surya Namaskaras and some Kapalbhatti pranyama every morning. Will work wonders. Good luck.

There isn't a lot to go on. The limited information does point me to a marriage related issue. Did he get married around the time he moved? If it is work related, he may be able to move back.
Probably the OP has to discreetly repeat discreetly probe the reason, may be with his wife or if there are some mutual friends or acquintances on the west coast.
If it is marriage related than taking a year off or taking a sabbatical may not be of much help.
I think a guy is much more likely to open up with friends about work problems and only very close ones about marriage problems. But a sensitive person meeting fequently would be able to discern a marriage related issue.

p.s. Second thoughts. Could the problem be due to stress on the family time due to offshore calls? It is best if he comes to a satisfactory conclusion with his wife. Alternatively, some one needs to spaek to his wife. In India, the elders in the family (her parents and probably not his) would normally handle it. In usa, I guess it has to be a close friend of her or somebody who she respects.

A diffivult situation alround.
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