At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. "Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?"
The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn't hear the question.
"Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated loudly.
The witness still did not respond.
Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question."
"Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."
MT: Jokes and Humor
MT: Jokes and Humor
A hardware and paint storeowner hires Santa Singh, a not too bright man, to assist him in the store.
On the 2nd day of Santa employment, a lady walks in asks for a 3-3/4” long nail, Santa Singh looks in the bin and tells the lady “nahin hain, ji”
The lady walks across the street to another store and buys the nail.
The owner who saw Santa’s salesmanship is upset and yells at Santa “Is that the way to make a sale?"
The owner continues "You should have suggested her a screw, instead” and adds sternly, “pickup your act or I’m gonna fire your ass”
Later in the day, a LIA visiting India hurries in and asks for some ultra-soft toilet tissue paper roll – urgent!
The beleaguered Santa makes a big show of looking for the rolls knowing very well that they don’t carry toilet tissue. Santa is aware that he is being watched by the boss and that his job is on the line
Santa silently curses the LIA-NRI, who is now shifting weight from one foot to another w/ a constrained look on his face and a pleading look on his face - Toilet tissue - urgent!
Santa looks around and suddenly an idea strikes him…. he walks up to the customer confidently and declares, “We are fresh out of toilet tissue paper… how about you buy Sand paper instead?”
In an all out effort to please his boss, he orders the NRI to turn around and opines, “You look like someone who could use a 80 grade coarse sheet!”
On the 2nd day of Santa employment, a lady walks in asks for a 3-3/4” long nail, Santa Singh looks in the bin and tells the lady “nahin hain, ji”
The lady walks across the street to another store and buys the nail.
The owner who saw Santa’s salesmanship is upset and yells at Santa “Is that the way to make a sale?"
The owner continues "You should have suggested her a screw, instead” and adds sternly, “pickup your act or I’m gonna fire your ass”
Later in the day, a LIA visiting India hurries in and asks for some ultra-soft toilet tissue paper roll – urgent!
The beleaguered Santa makes a big show of looking for the rolls knowing very well that they don’t carry toilet tissue. Santa is aware that he is being watched by the boss and that his job is on the line
Santa silently curses the LIA-NRI, who is now shifting weight from one foot to another w/ a constrained look on his face and a pleading look on his face - Toilet tissue - urgent!
Santa looks around and suddenly an idea strikes him…. he walks up to the customer confidently and declares, “We are fresh out of toilet tissue paper… how about you buy Sand paper instead?”
In an all out effort to please his boss, he orders the NRI to turn around and opines, “You look like someone who could use a 80 grade coarse sheet!”
MT: Jokes and Humor
What's on Freud's mind!
MT: Jokes and Humor
During a Papal audience, a business man approached the Pope and made this offer: Change the last line of the Lord's prayer from "give us this day our daily bread" to "give us this day our daily chicken." and KFC will donate 10 million dollars to Catholic charities. The Pope declined.
2 weeks later the man approached the Pope again. This time with a 50 million dollar offer. Again the Pope delcined.
A month later the man offers 100 million, this time the Pope accepts. At a meeting of the Cardinals, The Pope announces his decision in the good news/bad news format. The good news is... that we have 100 million dollars for charities. The bad news is that we lost the Wonder Bread account!
2 weeks later the man approached the Pope again. This time with a 50 million dollar offer. Again the Pope delcined.
A month later the man offers 100 million, this time the Pope accepts. At a meeting of the Cardinals, The Pope announces his decision in the good news/bad news format. The good news is... that we have 100 million dollars for charities. The bad news is that we lost the Wonder Bread account!
MT: Jokes and Humor
Good One?.
These are actual ads on a matrimony site.
Grammar and spell errors have no place in a profile
Description as everything is straight from the heart!
Disclaimer:
I am not Responsible if you forget your basic grammar after reading this mail?
- Hello To Viewvers My Name is Somesha , I am single I don't
have Famale, If any one whant to marrie to me u can visite to my home. I am not a good education but i working all field in bangalroe.. if u like me u welcome to my heart... when ever u whant to meet pls viset my resident or send u letter.. Thanks yours Regards Somesha ~*~
i want very simple girl. from brahmin educated family from
bihar state he is also know about RAMAYAN, GEETA BHAGABATA, and other homework
(Homework?)
Wants a woman who knows me better and can adjust with me forever. She may never create any difficulties in my life or her life by which the entire life can run smoothly. thank you
(The principle of running life smoothly was never so easy!)
She should be good looking and should have a service. She Shoulsd have one brother and one sister. She
should be educated.
(ain't it unique !! 1 brother 1 sister criteria !)
I am a happy-go-lucky kind of person. Enjoys every mom! ents of life. I love to make friendship. Becauese friendship is a first step of love. I am looking for my dreamgirl who will love me more than i. Because i love myself a lot. If u think that is u then why to late come on ........ hold my hand forever !!!
(The dilwale dulhaniya effect)
!
i am simple boy.I have lot ofproblemin mylife because ofmylucknow I amlooking onegirlshe caremeandloveme lot lot lot
(I don't know why but this is one of my favorites)
My wife should be as 'Parwati' as in Kahani Ghar Ghar Ki and as Tulsi as in KSBKBT......
(Ok I haven't seen these soaps but I am sure he must be demanding too much, ain't he?)
i want a girl with no drinks if she wants she can wear jeans in house but while steping out of house she should give recpect to our cast
(by not wearing her jeans? ahem...)
HYE I AM A GOOD LOKING GUY,WHO HAS THE CAPABILITY TO MAKE ANY BODY TO LOUGH.I BELIEVE IN GOD AND ACCORDING TO ME FRIENDS ARE THE REAL MESSENGER OF GOD. THE 3 THINGS I AM LOOKING FROM A GIRL ,THEY ARE 1.THEY MUST BELIEVE IN GOD.2. THEY HAVE TO LIKE MY PROFFESION AND THEY SHOULD NOT GET BORED WITH ME WHEN I WILL TRY TO MAKE THEM LOUGH.
(all of us are loughing)
whatever she may be but she should feel that she is going to be someone bride and she
must think of the future life if she is too like this she would bde called the lady of the lamp
(I am clueless, I feel so lost. Can anyone tell me what this guy wants)
i love my patner i marriage the patner ok i search my patner and i love the patner ok thik hai the patner has a graduate ok
(I am again clueless but I liked the use of "ok". The person is suffering from
"Ok-syndrome")
HI IAM VERY COOL NUATHER OK MY HOBBY IS SEE T.V AND NEWS OK I HAVE 1 CAR AND 1 BONWL OK MY MOTHER ALSO GOOD OK MY FARUET WORLD IS OK
(the "ok syndrome" again)
iam pradip my family histoy my two brother two sister and fater & mother sister complity marred
(somebody please explain in comments section how to get married 'completely'?)
iam very simpel and hanest. i have three sister one brother and parent. I am doing postal sarvice and tail! or master my original resdence at kalahandi diste naw iam staing at rayagada dist.
(actually what is this guy doing? Postal service or tailor.??)
my name is farhan and i am unmarried. pleaes you marrige me pleaes pleaes pleaes pleaes pleaes pleaes pleaes
(height of desperation! :-))))
I want one girl who love me or my mother. she love me heartly or she havea frank she's skin colour 'normal'not a black or not a whitey. I Think the main think is heart if your heart is beautiful then you are beautiful. But iam not a handsome person or not a good looking. but my Mom say that Iam a good person. My father already expired . iam ''AEKLAUTA''. THE CHOICE IS YOUR. bye bye.
(uttama purushan)
iam kanan. i do owo businas.one sistar.he was marred.
(No comments)
I AM LITTLE FAIR INDIAN COLOUR. I DON'T HAVE ANY HABIT.
(maybe the poor guy meant BAD habits)
hello i am a good charactarised man. i want to run my life happily.i divorced my first wife.her charactor is not good'. i expect t! he good minded and clean habits girl who may be in the same caste or other caste accepted ..
(but credit cards not accepted..???)
my colour is black,but my heart is white.i like social service
(Zebra..???)
i'm looking out for who lives in bombay,girl simple who trust me lot should be roman catholic, LOVE ME ONLY.
(Now that criterion is a must, isn't it?)
to be married on jan-2005. working woman preferable
(this guy has fixed the marriage date too! But he is yet to find a bride. I wish him best luck on behalf of all of us. I am sure he will get one soon.)
iwould like a beautyfull girl. and i do not want her any treasure. Because girl is the mahalakshmi.
(Now she is going to be a lucky girl! Any takers?)
ssc failed three times and worked with privated ltd company which not paying salary at present.
(Any takers again?)
These are actual ads on a matrimony site.
Grammar and spell errors have no place in a profile
Description as everything is straight from the heart!
Disclaimer:
I am not Responsible if you forget your basic grammar after reading this mail?
- Hello To Viewvers My Name is Somesha , I am single I don't
have Famale, If any one whant to marrie to me u can visite to my home. I am not a good education but i working all field in bangalroe.. if u like me u welcome to my heart... when ever u whant to meet pls viset my resident or send u letter.. Thanks yours Regards Somesha ~*~
i want very simple girl. from brahmin educated family from
bihar state he is also know about RAMAYAN, GEETA BHAGABATA, and other homework
(Homework?)
Wants a woman who knows me better and can adjust with me forever. She may never create any difficulties in my life or her life by which the entire life can run smoothly. thank you
(The principle of running life smoothly was never so easy!)
She should be good looking and should have a service. She Shoulsd have one brother and one sister. She
should be educated.
(ain't it unique !! 1 brother 1 sister criteria !)
I am a happy-go-lucky kind of person. Enjoys every mom! ents of life. I love to make friendship. Becauese friendship is a first step of love. I am looking for my dreamgirl who will love me more than i. Because i love myself a lot. If u think that is u then why to late come on ........ hold my hand forever !!!
(The dilwale dulhaniya effect)
!
i am simple boy.I have lot ofproblemin mylife because ofmylucknow I amlooking onegirlshe caremeandloveme lot lot lot
(I don't know why but this is one of my favorites)
My wife should be as 'Parwati' as in Kahani Ghar Ghar Ki and as Tulsi as in KSBKBT......
(Ok I haven't seen these soaps but I am sure he must be demanding too much, ain't he?)
i want a girl with no drinks if she wants she can wear jeans in house but while steping out of house she should give recpect to our cast
(by not wearing her jeans? ahem...)
HYE I AM A GOOD LOKING GUY,WHO HAS THE CAPABILITY TO MAKE ANY BODY TO LOUGH.I BELIEVE IN GOD AND ACCORDING TO ME FRIENDS ARE THE REAL MESSENGER OF GOD. THE 3 THINGS I AM LOOKING FROM A GIRL ,THEY ARE 1.THEY MUST BELIEVE IN GOD.2. THEY HAVE TO LIKE MY PROFFESION AND THEY SHOULD NOT GET BORED WITH ME WHEN I WILL TRY TO MAKE THEM LOUGH.
(all of us are loughing)
whatever she may be but she should feel that she is going to be someone bride and she
must think of the future life if she is too like this she would bde called the lady of the lamp
(I am clueless, I feel so lost. Can anyone tell me what this guy wants)
i love my patner i marriage the patner ok i search my patner and i love the patner ok thik hai the patner has a graduate ok
(I am again clueless but I liked the use of "ok". The person is suffering from
"Ok-syndrome")
HI IAM VERY COOL NUATHER OK MY HOBBY IS SEE T.V AND NEWS OK I HAVE 1 CAR AND 1 BONWL OK MY MOTHER ALSO GOOD OK MY FARUET WORLD IS OK
(the "ok syndrome" again)
iam pradip my family histoy my two brother two sister and fater & mother sister complity marred
(somebody please explain in comments section how to get married 'completely'?)
iam very simpel and hanest. i have three sister one brother and parent. I am doing postal sarvice and tail! or master my original resdence at kalahandi diste naw iam staing at rayagada dist.
(actually what is this guy doing? Postal service or tailor.??)
my name is farhan and i am unmarried. pleaes you marrige me pleaes pleaes pleaes pleaes pleaes pleaes pleaes
(height of desperation! :-))))
I want one girl who love me or my mother. she love me heartly or she havea frank she's skin colour 'normal'not a black or not a whitey. I Think the main think is heart if your heart is beautiful then you are beautiful. But iam not a handsome person or not a good looking. but my Mom say that Iam a good person. My father already expired . iam ''AEKLAUTA''. THE CHOICE IS YOUR. bye bye.
(uttama purushan)
iam kanan. i do owo businas.one sistar.he was marred.
(No comments)
I AM LITTLE FAIR INDIAN COLOUR. I DON'T HAVE ANY HABIT.
(maybe the poor guy meant BAD habits)
hello i am a good charactarised man. i want to run my life happily.i divorced my first wife.her charactor is not good'. i expect t! he good minded and clean habits girl who may be in the same caste or other caste accepted ..
(but credit cards not accepted..???)
my colour is black,but my heart is white.i like social service
(Zebra..???)
i'm looking out for who lives in bombay,girl simple who trust me lot should be roman catholic, LOVE ME ONLY.
(Now that criterion is a must, isn't it?)
to be married on jan-2005. working woman preferable
(this guy has fixed the marriage date too! But he is yet to find a bride. I wish him best luck on behalf of all of us. I am sure he will get one soon.)
iwould like a beautyfull girl. and i do not want her any treasure. Because girl is the mahalakshmi.
(Now she is going to be a lucky girl! Any takers?)
ssc failed three times and worked with privated ltd company which not paying salary at present.
(Any takers again?)
MT: Jokes and Humor
rajsriadit;6012Well, this is not a quote but still makes a very good read.
...
"The golf balls are the important things - your God, family, your children, your health, your friends, and your favorite passions - things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.
...
"Take care of the golf balls first, the things that really matter.
"Set your priorities.
"The rest is just sand." [/quote]
Loved the anecdote and my comments are -
For a student, "studying" could be the biggest ball only to be replaced by a "career ball" and yet again by a "family ball" or a family of tiny balls... :confused:
For a sanyasi attaining Nirvana could be the only ball... while as for a philanderer, having a ball would be the biggest ball :p
Moral of the story - One should never make fun of another man's balls!:D
MT: Jokes and Humor
I wonder how many of us will come out successful after a similar appraisal!
Self Appraisal
A little boy went into a store, reached for a soda carton and pulled it over to the telephone. He climbed onto the carton so that he could reach the buttons on the phone and proceeded to punch in seven digits. The store owner
observed and listened to the conversation.
The boy asked, "Maam, Can you give me the job of cutting your lawn?" The woman replied, "I already have someone to cut my lawn."
"I will cut your lawn for half the price of the person who cuts your lawn now." replied the boy. The woman responded that she was very satisfied with the person who was presently cutting her lawn.
The little boy was even more perseverant and said, "I'll even sweep your curb and your sidewalk, so on Sunday you will have the prettiest lawn in
all of Palm beach , Florida ." Again the woman answered in the negative.
With a smile on his face, the little boy replaced the receiver.
The store owner, who was listening to this conversation, walked over to the boy and said, "Son... I like your attitude; I like that positive spirit and
would like to offer you a job."
The little boy replied, "No thanks, I was just checking my performance on the job I already have. I am the one who is working for the lady I was talking to!"
Self Appraisal
A little boy went into a store, reached for a soda carton and pulled it over to the telephone. He climbed onto the carton so that he could reach the buttons on the phone and proceeded to punch in seven digits. The store owner
observed and listened to the conversation.
The boy asked, "Maam, Can you give me the job of cutting your lawn?" The woman replied, "I already have someone to cut my lawn."
"I will cut your lawn for half the price of the person who cuts your lawn now." replied the boy. The woman responded that she was very satisfied with the person who was presently cutting her lawn.
The little boy was even more perseverant and said, "I'll even sweep your curb and your sidewalk, so on Sunday you will have the prettiest lawn in
all of Palm beach , Florida ." Again the woman answered in the negative.
With a smile on his face, the little boy replaced the receiver.
The store owner, who was listening to this conversation, walked over to the boy and said, "Son... I like your attitude; I like that positive spirit and
would like to offer you a job."
The little boy replied, "No thanks, I was just checking my performance on the job I already have. I am the one who is working for the lady I was talking to!"
-
rajsriadit
- Posts: 1274
- Joined: Tue Jan 16, 2007 9:53 pm
MT: Jokes and Humor
A husband got in big trouble after his wedding anniversary.
His wife told him the day before: "Tomorrow there better be something in the driveway for me that goes zero to 200 in 2 seconds flat."
The next morning the wife found a small package in the driveway.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
His wife told him the day before: "Tomorrow there better be something in the driveway for me that goes zero to 200 in 2 seconds flat."
The next morning the wife found a small package in the driveway.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
-
rajsriadit
- Posts: 1274
- Joined: Tue Jan 16, 2007 9:53 pm
MT: Jokes and Humor
~*~Types Of Girls~*~
HARD DISK GIRLS:
she remembers everything, FOREVER
RAM GIRLS:
she forgets about you, the moment you turn her off
WINDOW GIRLS:
everyone knows that she can't do a thing right, but no one can live
without her.
SCREENSAVER GIRLS:
She is good for nothing but at least she is fun
INTERNET GIRLS:
Difficult to access
SERVER GIRLS:
Always busy when you need her.
MULTIMEDIA GIRLS:
She makes horrible things look beautiful
CD-ROM GIRLS:
She is always faster and faster.
EMAIL GIRLS:
Every ten things she says, eight are nonsense .
VIRUS GIRLS:
Also known as "wife'' when you are not expecting her, she comes,installs herself and uses all your resources. If you try to uninstall her you will lose something, if don't try to uninstall her you will lose everything...
HARD DISK GIRLS:
she remembers everything, FOREVER
RAM GIRLS:
she forgets about you, the moment you turn her off
WINDOW GIRLS:
everyone knows that she can't do a thing right, but no one can live
without her.
SCREENSAVER GIRLS:
She is good for nothing but at least she is fun
INTERNET GIRLS:
Difficult to access
SERVER GIRLS:
Always busy when you need her.
MULTIMEDIA GIRLS:
She makes horrible things look beautiful
CD-ROM GIRLS:
She is always faster and faster.
EMAIL GIRLS:
Every ten things she says, eight are nonsense .
VIRUS GIRLS:
Also known as "wife'' when you are not expecting her, she comes,installs herself and uses all your resources. If you try to uninstall her you will lose something, if don't try to uninstall her you will lose everything...