R2I Dilemma - Convince others in family!

timetogohome · Post by **timetogohome** » Fri Aug 31, 2007 10:19 pm

Been in US for over 8 years now. I want to return home in another 1-2 years, max. My wife does not want to. She does not like India, the troubles of day to day life. I do not know how to convince her. But I cannot live here anymore, its suffocating to me. I cannot wait to go back. I also feel, since we have been here for 8 years, she has got used to independence and going back to live with in-laws scares her. I am sure others have faced same situation...

Going_nowhere · Post by **Going_nowhere** » Fri Aug 31, 2007 10:46 pm

I'm in the same boat as you. :o

Desi_by_Nature · Post by **Desi_by_Nature** » Fri Aug 31, 2007 10:55 pm

Leave her here. You go back.

sorry i don't mean to be rude or blatant, but this is what it really boils down to. Trust me dude, i think i'm gonna be in the same situation in 2-3 years.

Knowing how 99% of married women are- it's hard to put across your point of view and convince them. You got married - BIG mistake - now guess whoz incharge of you. Who decides what you wear, eat, what brand of shampoo you use? how on earth do you expect to take a big decision like that and think that she will follow? trust me dude, this is gonna be a never ending argument - your marriage will suffer. Don't think she's gonna somehow suck up to you in 2 years and you both will happily R2I. Take action now - start getting into the habit of giving ultimatums.

Froogle · Post by **Froogle** » Fri Aug 31, 2007 11:14 pm

Okay this is tough one. The trick can/may work with help of mother in law. Somehow you have to play diplomatic to let your MIL realize the value of her daughter being too far. If she wished her daughter to be closby you won the 50% battle. Remember those words afterwards "you are right honey"

Jaggudada · Post by **Jaggudada** » Fri Aug 31, 2007 11:30 pm

Desi_by_Nature;42450Leave her here. You go back.

start getting into the habit of giving ultimatums.

DBN dude,

It looks like you are gonna be busy in this thread.:emsmiled:

Going_nowhere · Post by **Going_nowhere** » Sat Sep 01, 2007 12:11 am

I agree with DBN.

If you're going to be in a leadership position in your job in India, practise it at home first. :)

hyderabadi2006 · Post by **hyderabadi2006** » Sat Sep 01, 2007 12:12 am

What is important to you ? going back to India or making your wife live with your parents ?

Did you try if she is willing to live separately (in the same town as your parents or in a different city close by) after R2I ?

You have 2 different things on hand here.
1. Making her to live with your parents (you know you are not going to win on this one, so don't even bother convincing)

2. R2I - this you can convince her by presenting your case (assuming you gave up on #1 above).

Note: I am not saying you should ignore the parents, you can stay outside and still do everything you want to do for your parents without all the tensions. You might be able to do more with this kind of arrangement.

bujjipandu · Post by **bujjipandu** » Sat Sep 01, 2007 12:22 am

Make her look beyond day to day incoveniences.
Present her the long term perspective.
Show the examples of those doctor families you immigrated in 1960s and 70s, their life, kids, marriages, divorces and issues.

If In-Laws is the biggest thing to scare her away, it is easy to influence.
Think something in the middle.
propose to live near by to your parents providing them all needed support in old age, but not in the same house.
There is no rule that you must live in the same house.
Women leave their parents and start in a new family.
Why can't men do it to have peace and harmony in the house.
I am against the idea of living in the same house, having day to day frustations to deal with.
But at the same time don't want to run away from the responsibilities of caring for parents. This is one thing which many women would like to do.
If you make this point very clear and work towards defining the borders surely you can convince/change her.
As pa071 stated Women love stability and security, where ever it is.

timetogohome · Post by **timetogohome** » Sat Sep 01, 2007 12:23 am

going back to India is more important... And initially, I even want to stay in a different city, just so that we can adjust to the lifestyle without interferences.

Also, her parents are not currently in India. And they also do not want her to go back! But they will be in India, in a couple of years after the retirement. And then I think, she might change her mind, or at least rethink her position.

What are other's experiences in this regard. How did they convince/not convince ?

bujjipandu · Post by **bujjipandu** » Sat Sep 01, 2007 12:32 am

Yes,
I have seen this trend in families who have many siblings settled in USA.
They have their own small close knitt world here. For long weekends they go to each others place with in USA and they talk daily on phone and they get all needed emotional support from them etc...
So there is no real urgency they feel on their part that they have to go back to India.
As you said wait until her parents leave to India, surely it will change.