How to handle an abusive spouse ?

[Franky]

As long as it is arguments that is fine, it is easy to patch up. But what if the guy shows his temper in hitting the wife. If hand raises before he can say a word. How a girl can handle this.

My husband is really very nice person during normal times. But if he gets upset for small things, he doesn't hesitate to hit me .He doesn't even care whether kids are in the room or not. The only reason he gives is that , that is the only way he can show his anger.

[Going_nowhere]

As long as it is arguments that is fine, it is easy to patch up. But what if the guy shows his temper in hitting the wife. If hand raises before he can say a word. How a girl can handle this.

My husband is really very nice person during normal times. But if he gets upset for small things, he doesn't hesitate to hit me .He doesn't even care whether kids are in the room or not. The only reason he gives is that , that is the only way he can show his anger.[/quote]

I know a couple of such cases where the husband shows anger by raising his hand. But these are not abusive husbands, its just that they cannot control their rage at times when the argument leads nowhere. Such husbands are normally dominating, and like to have the final word. Just a personality issue imo.

[Desi]

Franky,

I am sorry to hear this. Your husband needs a lot of help and so do you. The more this type of behaviour is tolerated, the more it is reinforced.

[Desi]

I know a couple of such cases where the husband shows anger by raising his hand. But these are not abusive husbands, its just that they cannot control their rage at times when the argument leads nowhere. Such husbands are normally dominating, and like to have the final word. Just a personality issue imo.[/quote]

I disagree. When someone raises hand at a spouse, that IS ABUSIVE - period.

[OurGen-X]

As long as it is arguments that is fine, it is easy to patch up. But what if the guy shows his temper in hitting the wife. If hand raises before he can say a word. How a girl can handle this.

My husband is really very nice person during normal times. But if he gets upset for small things, he doesn't hesitate to hit me .He doesn't even care whether kids are in the room or not. The only reason he gives is that , that is the only way he can show his anger.[/quote]

Perhaps your husband would have witnessed his mother being hit by his father and if you have sons, in all probability, they will try to repeat this type of behavior in the future. I'm not being Dr.Phil here, but it is very important to have a healthy and nurturing environment in the house for kids to turn up into decent human beings. You should not tolerate your husband hitting you. It constitutes abuse under domestic violence laws and if reported, your hubby could be put behind bars.

What I'm trying to say is, for the welfare of your children, try to get your husband to see the negative sides of his behavior and urge him to channel his anger towards constructive things.

[Going_nowhere]

I disagree. When someone raises hand at a spouse, that IS ABUSIVE - period.[/quote]

Yes, Legally its abuse. Even if a parent raises his/her hand on a child in order to discipline the child, its termed "abuse" in the USA not in India.

In India if a spouse goes to the police station to complain about her husband raising his hand on her, the first piece of advice the cops give is not to push the matter to this extent (i.e not to lodge a police complaint) because the latter complaints could put the husband in jeopardy.

So "abuse" is a relative term to people accustomed to living in different cultures. Its the "extent" which should really define the term.

[OurGen-X]

So "abuse" is a relative term to people accustomed to living in different cultures. Its the "extent" which should really define the term.[/quote]

So, when a wife is beaten (or vice-versa in some cases) and there are no marks to show or no broken bones or external bleeding, does that mean it should be excused or tolerated? I don't think so. If two persons in a relationship cannot resolve issues by verbal communication or in extreme cases through external mediators, there is no point in that relationship existing. People hit each other on the streets when there are disagreements. Cultured people who raise children must show better restraint.

[RRS]

As long as it is arguments that is fine, it is easy to patch up. But what if the guy shows his temper in hitting the wife. If hand raises before he can say a word. How a girl can handle this.

My husband is really very nice person during normal times. But if he gets upset for small things, he doesn't hesitate to hit me .He doesn't even care whether kids are in the room or not. The only reason he gives is that , that is the only way he can show his anger.[/quote]

I am sorry to hear that. There are couple of things(or few):

1.If he is really a very nice person during normal times, what makes him irrational during arguments? Is it possible that he is pushed too far? Sometimes couple need to read each other's body language and facial expressions to gauze which way the argument is going. If it's not going to be settled in amicable way, it's better to leave the argument than pushing it too far. Most of the times, sense prevails after the heads have cooled down and arguments can start after a cool down time. Second time, the differences don't have the same bite and third time, the differences may not exist (hard to believe, but true).

2.You cannot let the arguments take a physical turn. Discuss with him that no matter how angry he or you get, it cannot result in physical altercations. Spouses loose respect with each other if the argument beats down to who has the upper hand in physical prowess.

3.If you are letting this happen in front of kids, you are allowing them to grow in an unhealthy environment and it may induce abusive behavior in them.

4. Its true that when kids are small, couple fight more due to the additional burden of taking care of small kids, lack of sleep etc but spouses need to understand that this phase won't last long and kids will be young adults soon but the emotional scars of having abusive relationship will stay life long.

[soomdy]

Soomdy,

Mn_op and CD are right.

Anger is a human emotion which can be tamed by our perspectives.

But the key issue here is that of expression of anger.

There are people who express their anger violently at home, throwing things. But, those same people will not do the same thing throwing things around at their boss, if they care for their job. They will change their expression of anger. They will suck it in, put on a cheery smile in office.

Children and teenagers often test the limits of their parents rebelling to see what they can get away with. Many adults do the same. The solution is not expressing anger in ways that are not just destructive but push someone else's buttons but rather to find constructive ways to express it. One constructive way is to introspect and look at the situation and why one is distraught at the situation, what one would want instead, why and how to get that? Is getting that necessary, is the current scenario really that bad? This type of introspection is what the anger should drive one to do.

Those who cannot control expression of their anger regardless of situation, for example in a boss's office, road or a mall are ticking time bombs and need a lot of help.

Most of the rest of people know what they can get away with where and manage accordingly but that is not necessarily right and can be self destructive in the long run.[/quote]

Desibhai,
As usual, I like and understand whatever you are saying.

In my case we both are short tempered. And in the rage of anger, we often forget that kids are around. There are lot of small small things in the house that either trigger?s her fuse out or my fuse out. I often tell her, talk to me nicely and politely and I can even die for you. But talk to me harshly and in high tone, and then I give a darn about who is right/wrong and will try to do exactly opp. off what you are telling me.

We live in a very quiet neighborhood. There will be pin drop silence, I will be in my own deep thoughts and all of a sudden my wife will scream on the top of her voice either on my kids or me. Now that is something that triggers me and I make her face the music.

We are in marriage for 10 years now. We handled serious things quite maturely so far. But most of the times it is very small small things that triggers the fight between us ( Like I am watching Booyah, I am on internet, I did not bring laundry down from up, I did not take laundry up from down, I did not empty dish washer etc). And once the fight starts we both are at logger heads to preserve our supremacy in the house.

I saw this trend between us and nowadays try to ignore these small things or deliver the message to my spouse in humor. Bcos of humor even she is not at loggerheads.

Currently the frequency of fights is after a much longer time than what it was earlier. I think at this rate we might be one of those old elderly couples who love each other very much in another 20-30 years.

[Desi]

Yes, Legally its abuse. Even if a parent raises his/her hand on a child in order to discipline the child, its termed "abuse" in the USA not in India.

In India if a spouse goes to the police station to complain about her husband raising his hand on her, the first piece of advice the cops give is not to push the matter to this extent (i.e not to lodge a police complaint) because the latter complaints could put the husband in jeopardy.

So "abuse" is a relative term to people accustomed to living in different cultures. Its the "extent" which should really define the term.[/quote]

There is no such thing as an extent, when an adult hits another adult in anger as in punching, pushing, slapping. This is physical abuse. That some cultures may tolerate it does not negate it.

Sometimes, the physical abuse is tolerated because the spouse feels very dependent on the abusive spouse and cannot see other means of support.

Other times, the abused spouse has been perhaps so berated, that the abused spouse thinks they deserved that - this is in issues of self esteem.

In all of these cases, an external intervention should be made.