NRI children being cared for by grandparents in India

M V · Post by **M V** » Mon Feb 21, 2011 9:12 pm

Cultural trend of sending children back to homeland can cause trauma

[QUOTE]As a psychotherapist, I feel compelled to alert families, and young immigrant couples in particular, to the peril of separating the child from the parents at a very young age. I refer to the practice of young immigrant parents sending their child, often under age 1, thousands and thousands of miles away to be raised by grandparents in another country for an extended length of time.

Working in the culturally diverse Bay Area, I have had opportunities to hear about, witness and deal with the long-term effects of this phenomenon. Sadly, it is not a decreasing trend. And my experience is that the parents often minimize and deny the inherent trauma of the separation.

I have observed this practice more often in communities and cultures that have traditional values associated with extended families and multiple mothering. Young immigrant families sometimes find themselves overwhelmed by caring for their baby in a culture far from their own. By "far," I mean distance both in terms of geography and of emotional and cultural difference.

The child is temporarily raised by grandparents or extended family while the young parents work and study toward a better quality of life -- more time and money and the long-term interests of the family. In my experience, this separation happens more often in Asian, South Asian and Middle Eastern cultures.

In these cultures, almost everyone knows someone who has sent their child "back home" for a few months to a year or two.

...

What do you think about babies being sent to India and staying with grandparents for a year or two while parents are living abroad?
- Never an acceptable option. Parents should have a baby only if they can take care of it without sending it away.
OR
- It can sometimes become necessary for parents to opt for this arrangement.

Are the negative effects of such arrangement on the parent-child bonding long term or does the initial bonding of the first 1-2 years not matter that much in the long run?

rajradio · Post by **rajradio** » Mon Feb 21, 2011 9:28 pm

modus_vivendi;370338Cultural trend of sending children back to homeland can cause trauma

What do you think about babies being sent to India and staying with grandparents for a year or two while parents are living abroad?
- Never an acceptable option. Parents should have a baby only if they can take care of it without sending it away.
OR
- It can sometimes become necessary for parents to opt for this arrangement.

Are the negative effects of such arrangement on the parent-child bonding long term or does the initial bonding of the first 1-2 years not matter that much in the long run?

Does the psychotherapist have have any data like a questionaire or hard data to support that is traumatising for the kids, is it her american hunch? Does she know that parent child bonding is any better with working moms coming home at 6 pm vs the same kids growing with grand parents?

just curious.

RK

Sid · Post by **Sid** » Mon Feb 21, 2011 9:42 pm

Only an anecdotal experience, but I now know dozens of (over 20) Desi families with small kids in bay area, and NONE of them have sent their kids to India. Could this be a phenomenon in lower income group families, where both parents have to work in low income jobs, and don't have enough finances to support childcare expenses?

M V · Post by **M V** » Mon Feb 21, 2011 10:02 pm

I don't think it might have to do with low income jobs. I never knew anyone while they currently had a young child staying in India with grandparents, but did know some colleagues or friends with kids in the 4-10 yr age group, who had sent their kid to India till he/she was 1 or 2 yrs old.

FB2020 · Post by **FB2020** » Mon Feb 21, 2011 10:52 pm

modus_vivendi;370368I don't think it might have to do with low income jobs. I never knew anyone while they currently had a young child staying in India with grandparents, but did know some colleagues or friends with kids in the 4-10 yr age group, who had sent their kid to India till he/she was 1 or 2 yrs old.

Till? You probably meant since ?

FB2020 · Post by **FB2020** » Mon Feb 21, 2011 10:55 pm

modus_vivendi;370368I don't think it might have to do with low income jobs. I never knew anyone while they currently had a young child staying in India with grandparents, but did know some colleagues or friends with kids in the 4-10 yr age group, who had sent their kid to India till he/she was 1 or 2 yrs old.

IMO, sid_earth maybe right.. There are people who are not much educated etc, and come here to make a living working in stores and such.. They may have strong family ties backhome and may choose to send them over to india for grandparents to bring up.

I know 1-2 people working in stores here who do so. Another reason they state is they would like indian upbringing for their kids in those early development years - but I think that's more of a cover-up reason !!

M V · Post by **M V** » Mon Feb 21, 2011 11:00 pm

FB2020;370384Till? You probably meant since ?

No. I meant till. Child is in India till it is 1 or 2 yrs old, starting from 4 or 6 months.

In the cases I knew the mother was studying full time or preparing for some accounting or medical degree related exams.

PeterGriffin · Post by **PeterGriffin** » Mon Feb 21, 2011 11:19 pm

modus_vivendi;370338
What do you think about babies being sent to India and staying with grandparents for a year or two while parents are living abroad?
- Never an acceptable option. Parents should have a baby only if they can take care of it without sending it away.
OR
- It can sometimes become necessary for parents to opt for this arrangement.

I don't understand why these parents even bother having kids! I have no respect for these parents who have their priorities backwards! If you don't have the time or money to raise your own kids then you shouldn't have had any!

boca · Post by **boca** » Mon Feb 21, 2011 11:29 pm

rajradio;370345Does the psychotherapist have have any data like a questionaire or hard data to support that is traumatising for the kids, is it her american hunch? Does she know that parent child bonding is any better with working moms coming home at 6 pm vs the same kids growing with grand parents?

just curious.

RK

Looks like an opinion, reading that article.
[quote]I consider these children twice disrupted in the attachment process, and would expect them to have much in common with adopted children
Source: http://www.mercurynews.com/opinion/ci_17417444?nclick_check=1[/quote]
If the findings were to be backed by research, it wouldn't be an opinion with some expectations.

Sid · Post by **Sid** » Mon Feb 21, 2011 11:30 pm

PeterGriffin;370399I don't understand why these parents even bother having kids! I have no respect for these parents who have their priorities backwards! If you don't have the time or money to raise your own kids then you shouldn't have had any!

They probably wanted li'll US citizens :)