Spouse\'s concerns about privacy invasion after R2I

[wolf21281]

Hi all,

We (myself + wife) will be R2Iing to Bangalore between June 2010 and September 2010. Both of our families' are in Mumbai and Bangalore is a choice due to my new job. Just like some other female members of the forum, my wife is concerned about the comparative lack of privacy in Bangalore as opposed to be in the US. She's worried about family visits to our place, and them commenting upon the state of house, her cooking, her dressing sense, kid plans, modes of religious worship, etc. We have been married for only 2 years and we have lived in India post-marriage for only 1 week. So they have not yet had any real interaction. She gets along with my family on the phone though:)

I want to ask how other members handled this issue and allayed their wives' fears. Frankly, I feel that acting on such a 'perceived threat to our way of life and privacy' is paranoid and sounds similar to 'Bush Doctrine' :wink:p However I'd love to hear how the R2I veterans here have dealt with the issue.

Thanks

[sweet_honey]

this is bound to happen...no escapes....even the best of inlaws will comment sometime or the other,...you may or may not like it. Thats the thing about India....you miss these very relatives...warmth etc. when abroad and when back, they become quite harassing as well. Just have a secure state of mind, and lead your life the way you want to.....let others say what they want. We cant leave our independence behind just to live in India.....

[Going_nowhere]

my wife is concerned about the comparative lack of privacy in Bangalore as opposed to be in the US. She's worried about family visits to our place...
We have been married for only 2 years and we have lived in India post-marriage for only 1 week. So they have not yet had any real interaction.

Since you're newly wed, one big piece of advice I'd like to give you is make sure you wear the pants in the house. What privacy is she looking for???? Why did she get married if she didn't want visits from your family? Tell your wife to stop her nakhras, or you'll dump her in the US and go back without her.
Badi aaii Maharani.:angry:
(Stop acting like a queen)

Behenjis of this forum might give you contrarian advice, but ek shaadi-shudaa mard hi dusre shaadi-shudaa mard ka dard samajh sakta hain.
(Only a married man can empathise with the emotional atyaachar faced by another.)

[back2desh]

If you are so much concerned about privacy invasion after R2I then don't think about R2I! Elders may pass comment here and there which needs to be silently ignored... If at work if your boss says something unpleasant do you leave the job (may be yes if you have GC/USC and capable of getting a quick job in this economy), I don't think so you will adjust right? If you can take the crap from unknown boss then why not hear comments from elders and just pass on? Why are your spouse making a big fuss out of this?

By best advice to you do not R2I.

Hi all,

We (myself + wife) will be R2Iing to Bangalore between June 2010 and September 2010. Both of our families' are in Mumbai and Bangalore is a choice due to my new job. Just like some other female members of the forum, my wife is concerned about the comparative lack of privacy in Bangalore as opposed to be in the US. She's worried about family visits to our place, and them commenting upon the state of house, her cooking, her dressing sense, kid plans, modes of religious worship, etc. We have been married for only 2 years and we have lived in India post-marriage for only 1 week. So they have not yet had any real interaction. She gets along with my family on the phone though:)

I want to ask how other members handled this issue and allayed their wives' fears. Frankly, I feel that acting on such a 'perceived threat to our way of life and privacy' is paranoid and sounds similar to 'Bush Doctrine' :wink:p However I'd love to hear how the R2I veterans here have dealt with the issue.

Thanks

[Sarkar07]

Risky advice: Ask her if you should be worried about YOUR privacy because of visit from YOUR In-laws :p. After all what is good for the gander is also good for the goose! Correct?

On a serious note, be proactive in addressing this paranoia. The paranoia for in-laws is cultivated in a woman's mind all through her life directly or indirectly, especially in the Indian society. Some of the paranoia is based on real problems in our society w.r.t. the way in-laws treat DILs. My suggestion would be to set-up visits to India or ask your parents to come here for a month or so and let your wife and parents get comfortable with each other. Many times it is the just the fear of the unknown.

Added later: Saw that you are R2ing in a few months - so not much time for your parents to visit. My bad. If you have already decided to R2I then at least you are not worried about convincing wife to R2i. To allay her fears when you go to India, my advice still holds. Just set-up more informal BUT LIMITED time interactions between your wife and parents. Let her get used to them and do not be harsh on her if she complains about your parents - because her reaction may be only because she is now over-sensitive and trying to mentally justify her paranoia to herself ("I told you so" kind of dialogues).

You should be patient with her, take things in your stride, be nice to HER parents :) and let her relationship with your parents develop at its own pace. IF the negativity does not subside remind her that your parents are also like her parents; children may not agree with everything the parents do or say as they are from a different generation - they patiently bore our tantrums all their life, it is our turn to do that now.

[BeeAndButterfly]

Both of you will need to balance the relationship between spouse and parents. If you feel parents are being unfair, tell them to back off, on the other hand if your wife is being unreasonable, speak with her.

Good luck.

[imemyselfindian]

I am assuming that your wife moved abroad only after her marriage with you, which makes it a grand total of two years abroad, as compared to the 18+ years she must have spent in India. Why suddenly such a huge concern over this? She must have experienced life enough so why the apprehensions now. Did you get married on the agreement that you are going to live abroad and never come back to India? Gently explain to her to be reasonable
In case she has always been living abroad, ignore this comment.
That said, there are bound to be instances like the one's you mentioned in your post.
Tell her right now, that you are going to be there for her and are be her support system.
It would be easy for your parents to forget that you have been married only for two years and cannot function in the same way as your parents who must have been married for 25+ years in terms of optimizing productive and non productive domestic processes (darn consulting ;) Jokes apart, once you are back give her a patient ear, understand her perspective, point out your observations and perspectives.

[vizagdesi]

Get Real folks.

If you are married for only two years, your in-laws/parents should be quite young and possibly still working. Who has time to come and stay with you for more than a week or two at most. If your wife is also working, how much time is she really going to spend with your parents?

For other relatives, unless they are jobless people, nobody has time to come around and stay at your home and criticize your way of living. Of course, people (Not just in-laws) will always pass comments without thinking (and often without really meaning to hurt). Just wise-up and ignore them.

As long as your wife knows that you strongly support her and she got your ear in the bedroom to empathize with her, she will be fine.

We R2Ied more than 3 years ago and recently my parents moved in. My wife and mom get along very well but they both have minor qualms about each other. My wife shares her dissatisfaction with me and I sincerely empathize with her and tell her to simply take it with a smile. I am sure my mom would have something to say too but she is mature enough to hold it within herself (or at least not share it with me).

[M V]

Get Real folks. ...

Exactly. Been married only two years, no problems so far, and apparently no reasons outside of the imagination that any will crop up.

The "... allay her fears ... set-up more informal BUT LIMITED time interactions between your wife and parents.... Let her get used to them... do not be harsh" baby steps advice reminded me of when I started to drop off my six weeks old baby at a day care.

Started off with dropping her off for half an hour while I sat in the car and cried, then slooooowwwly increased the time... till one day, 1.5 years later, she called the day care lady Mommy (because another kid did). :emcrook:

[vizagdesi]

1.5 years later, she called the day care lady Mommy (because another kid did). :emcrook:

LOL!!!. Now we know why are a SAHM!!!