What do we do - Change our mind every day - please give your suggestions, ideas

[tigerinhunt]

Hi,

I have been here before on this forum and may have asked before but thought I ask again as we are not very confident of making our decision. Please read through:

a) living in UK for 7 years. Me, wife and 2 kids: 5 yr old son and 1.5 yr old daughter.
b) All except wife British citizen and OCI in process.

Life in UK: Very dull as far as social life is concerned. Dont have any friends unfortunately as I have been such kinds of job and from the last 4 yrs we moved in an area where Indian people dont bother about each other so dont want to be friends. We have tried hard but it simply has not worked out. Wife do know people from kids school etc and occasionally meet up with other ladies but thats it. People are just not as interested to make family - 2 - family relations. In the last 4 yrs I can count the number (4 in total) of occasions we went to other people house for dinner. May be equal number of times people came around to ours. Kids just have not seen the social life that is possible. Going to people house, people coming over, staying overnight to others etc. etc. Very sad as it sounds. Although we keep ourself happy and busy by doing all sorts of activities.

Parents back in India want us to come but dont force us. They have left it on our wish.

We thought of moving to another place where we might be able to start afresh but it has been so long that we doubt that it may not happen.

We think that now is the time that we either move to India and start our life there or buy own house (in the area we want to go for better schools also better place in all aspects etc) but are worried about still continuing to live a lonely life.

When we think of going to India, both my and my wife heart wants to live here. For we think it will be better for kids future (education and their prospects) and their quality of life. So only main reason for going to India is better social life (with all good and bad aspects of it) and kids knowing the cousins. Also, the thought of them getting love and affections of both side grand-parents, uncles and aunties.

What would you recommend or do if you were in similar situation.

Job wise : I am doing alright here and am confident that I will be alright. Although I am not sure of UK as a future economic power house the way it was a decade ago. I am doing the similar kind of work I was doing when when I came 7 years ago but I am might be able to get a technical architect type role and I have not yet applied for a single job yet there.

Finance: Dont own house in UK. Have an average 3BHK house in Delhi area, few more properties worth 70-80L. Have some cash here in UK about 60-70L. Can generate about 12-18L in next 6-8 months. No mortgage in India. Not bragging but giving an idea about my financial situation. Not sure how much salary I would be able to get in India. Do have a few ideas of generating extra income from the investments but more ideas would be gratefully welcome.

We are not the kind of people who can start planning 6 months in advance because in 6 months our head and heart changes 600 times. So if we have do something, it has be quick. This is what worries us that we may end of being unhappy in India and may return to UK and that will break just too many hearts in India, leave alone the financial losses and kind of end up starting fresh here in UK again etc.

I know it all probably sounds very confused but that is the reason I am here and need advice but we either go back but if it has to be here we would rather buy our own house. Scared of making such a big commitment as well for all the reasons mentioned before.

Many thanks in advance and I look forward to lots of responses as I need all & every single of them so please do. I will be greateful

[Sid]

Even in India it will take some time to develop good friendships, if you land up in a metro. Since you don't have any major reason and inclination to go back, I would just try to buy a house in a nice friendly neighborhood. Might open up some opportunities to build long term connections... Otherwise, you should try to join some activity/events/hobby-classes, where you might get to meet other people...

Or why not just have a R2I get together ;)

[vsri]

>>Parents back in India want us to come but dont force us. They have left it on our wish.

This is good reason to R2I. Anyone disagree with this..? DILs? :wink

Neither UK nor India is heaven.

[Vivekananda]

Some random thoughts, since you asked for them:).

- I personally think that you should try it once even with the potential costs if you decide to get back from India.
- Remember that the confusion increases as the number of years increase to the point when you can go only when you retire. The line keeps moving by 5 years each time. It gets more difficult. Too many variables. Status quo is generally comfortable, and good. India will never stop pulling at your heart. Only when you try, the itch will stop.
- Does it mean that you will be emotionally content if you have 10 close knit families in an hour's driving distance meeting them about 20 times a year as a group? I think that it is possible.
- If you decide to R2I, absolutely do it as team. Pack, and relocate as if you are going on a long vacation with a desire to experience rather than expecting a smooth transition.
- Do not try to justify to the world this move or the next move. If you, your wife, and the kids are the adventurous types, the moves can be fun.

If you are afraid of moving back, and forth, may be you are just not ready to return yet. You should want to go inspite of the risks. I think that it should start with the heart, but the details can be managed by the head.

Have fun.

[srinpo]

OP,
Normally I only caution or warn against R2I, one of my main points being nobody ultimately regrests LIA. (Sorry I know you are UK). But in your case, I feel you are a good candidate for R2I. I see lot of factors leading toward that. (Like wife agreeable, parents happy not forceful, kids young enough, decent money not too much or too less, UK & not US (sorry, a assumption UK's life is slightly less than US), good job).
So you tell me why the dilemma otherwise. Based on your opinions, why wouldnt you want to R2I ? But be aware, doing when kids are younger is much much easier than not.

[Nattusbs]

As the Nike adv says, "Just Do It" (R2I).

Find a suitable job first.

Cheers

Nattusbs

[LotsOfRokda]

try it..if not you will always be wondering about the greenery of the other side. you seem to be a good candidate to do this..dont wait for a year or 2 ..your child gets into school then making it more challenging

[pskum]

OP,
I think you can try for oppurtunity to move to a community where family-meeting culture is already established and you can just join as new member..(tough but possible).
Regarding R2I, as you are closer to India, try to do frequent visits (at least twice a year). If parents are not too old or if you have siblings to take care of them, then it may be too early for your to make R2I call specifically interms of finances). Regarding community living, unless you are already know who you are going to be around you when you R2I to enjoy family-to-family life in India, please do not expect wonders there..

just..additional comments on social life..

i am (and possibly many) are in the same boat as yours. We changed places around (even with in same state and in between 1 year in UK). it broke circles..and could not establish new one due to one or more of below reasons.

It is very interesting how certain group of families move closely for long term basis with frequent meetups but for some it is tough to have such community.
IMO it is mostly driven by women than men although men may also be particular in who they can mingle with or not. I guess..the issue may be one of these..
-who calls who first..should it balance..howmany times each one calls other family?
-how easy people can go.. some one jokes/comments..but otherone takes it to heart(hurt).spouses not on the same page so for avoiding conflict between them just..drop the family from circle..
-difference in kids ages/genders
-fear of loss of freedom on weekends or privacy( a.k.a hiding the mess at home :-)).
-class division..(people living in apartments are not at same level as people with homes in nice sub-division. It is amusing and disappointing to see behavioral change..I recently put my home on rent and moved to an apartment in a town where better schools are there. I know many friends in the same town with individual homes..but they diplomatically escape meeting oppurtunities when they know that we are living in apartment. We just didn't buy home as we may R2I in couple of years)
-too large community to deal with..tough to set the limit on who is close and who is not.

thanks
kumar

[M V]

...People are just not as interested to make family - 2 - family relations. In the last 4 yrs I can count the number (4 in total) of occasions we went to other people house for dinner. May be equal number of times people came around to ours. Kids just have not seen the social life that is possible. Going to people house, people coming over, staying overnight to others etc. etc. Very sad as it sounds. Although we keep ourself happy and busy by doing all sorts of activities.
...
So only main reason for going to India is better social life (with all good and bad aspects of it) and kids knowing the cousins. Also, the thought of them getting love and affections of both side grand-parents, uncles and aunties.

As parents we often think that our kids social life is so dismal compared to ours as children or compared to what might have been their social life if living in India. We feel bad that their interactions with cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents is so less. These comparisons and feelings of "would be better in India" are in the minds of the parents, not the children. Not saying that the feelings are right or wrong, but that they are not present in the children's minds. Children are blessed with the natural ability to be happy anywhere once their basic needs are met. So, if "kids' social life" is one reason for r2i, it should be kept in mind that the parent is doing it so they feel better as parents. Think - first birthday party - parent wants it more than the one year old who only wants to get out of fancy party dress, back into pyjamas and go take a nap. : )

I remember this somewhat related post by a member in another thread:

Read in Graffitti--'These times are your kids' good old days'. When your grand kids are going around in rockets or any other new technology, your kids(now middle aged parents) would be wistfully recalling their lives where they ate pizza,had only 2 cars and not many gadgets but they were happy. Indulging in nostalgia brings back only the good memories never the bad.My take is enjoy the memories but don't make it sound like it is the ultimate. Let your kids develop memories of their own and you will definitely be part of it.

[jan_tuttu]

If you R2I now kids can easily adjust in India later it becomes a problem.
You can R2I safely as you are a UK citizen and can fall back on that option if things do not work out in India.