Sacrifice wife\'s dreams or betray parents!!

[rmsindia]

Hi All


I am in a situation which most of you must have been, but couldn't find any post to view, so starting a fresh and expecting people to give some advice.


I am happily married with a 1 year old son. Back home in India, I have 2 sisters who are married and live near by my home. My dad is 70 and mom 65. We have been living in UK for the past 5 years, both working. Now the real question begins:


I am very close to my parents and have a desire to R2I after few years to take care of them, basically before our son starts his 1st standard so that we can educate him according to Indian system, rather that spending few years here and taking back our son in the middle to join schools.


My parents seem to be my first priority down the years, hence I am avoiding taking unecessary burdens here like buying own home, buying expensive cars etc.


But the issue is that my wife is not at all convinced to R2I. She was here in UK before me (on student visa), which makes her around 8 years in UK. So she is not at all willing to accept the Indian style of living, specially dealing with mother-in-law, FIL, relatives etc.


This argument has been going on for the past few months now. In this situation, its becoming very difficult to enjoy things out here, I mean stay in UK, as we always start thinking of future that we have to return to India one day. I don't feel it correct that my sisters should take responsibilites of my parents, (they have their on in-laws to care of) & even my parents won't be comfortable staying with them.


Now it has become like sacrificing either my wife's future life, or its like betraying my parents in their old age. I simply cry from inside when I think that I have to leave my parents in their old age. My nights have become very stressful thinking about all this.




What do you all think, SHOULD I SACRIFICE MY WIFE'S FUTURE OR IS IT CORRECT TO LEAVE MY PARENTS IN THEIR OLD AGE!!!!

[KirKS]

Welcome to the forum rmsindia.

Repeat after me: Every problem in this world has a solution. some have more than one solution.

Now in a nutshell, your problem is working together as a couple on this R2I or live in UK decision. Your choice is India, while your wife's choice is UK.

Get your parents to UK, multiple times over the next 2 years. Convince them that you really miss them, and even if it is for 2 months, get them there. Every time when they are in UK, talk to your wife (privately) as to what aspect of living with them is bothering her. If there are things you can talk & resolve, nothing like that. Try that approach. If her issue is career oriented, which has little or no chance in India, you need to handle that separately.

Once you get a good idea of what is bothering your wife from returning to India, then work towards it. If it is living with Mother in law, then make a residence in the same city, so that you can at least visit parents once a week. If it is the issue of her parents not being offered the same privilege, work that also out similarly. If the issue is your city in India or language etc., talk that through.

Returning to India is to a large extent will be the attitude part. Money, job, life style adjustment etc. will fall in place, if the couple (and adult kids if any) tune their mind that they want to return.

If after checking out the situation in UK, while your parents are there a few times (if they are willing), and you decide that that is a workable model, then try that for a few years, till you take the stock of the situation 3-5 years from now.

Good luck,
-K

[MadMax]

Sacrifice the wife. You will find many others. But, parents......there will never be another set.

[mobi]

If you R2I, do you need to stay in same house as of your parents? If not, then you might persuade your wife about R2I.

Also enquire what career progress your wife can make in India.

Daily life will be difficult in India - you can't help that and it is somewhat independent of how much you'll earn there.

My situation is somewhat like yours. I do have a plan to R2I before my kid grows up but wife is not looking forward to it. :wink

[rmsindia]

KirKs,


Thanks for your reply. To be honest, her problem lies with going back and living in Indian conditions. In practical terms, once you live in UK or USA, you tend to compare things that we enjoy here with things back in India. In that way, you will always find grass greener here.


A lot of her friends working with her have decided to stay in UK. They have decided to visit their parents frequently to show their closeness (though I dont know how this will work when the parents become too old and bed ridden). This approach from friends motivate my wife, and she asks me why can't I live a decent life in UK, why do you give priority to your parents over me etc etc.


KirKs, I see your location as Banglore, assuming that you were in USA, UK or anywhere else, did you find it difficult to return to India, did you find difficult to cope up things with your wife. (please ingore this question if this is too personal).


Basically I want to know how do people motivate themselves (or spouse) to R2I if the reason is only for parents.






Thanks

[rmsindia]

Mobi,

Thanks for the reply. Living in a separate house won't sort out things. After all, after few years when parents become really old, they will need to stay with us. At that point, it would be even more difficult for my wife to adjust with things suddenly.

[roxstar]

Your wife is crystal clear that she prefers the UK to to India. So please give her credit for that level of clarity.

Quite frankly, it is not clear what you want. You seem to like the UK but want to go to India to satisfy your obligations!

Under this scenario, not sure if you will be quite happy in India once you head back. I understand your situation but your parents seem to have a good enough support system with your sisters in close proximity. I would have said differently, it you had no sibling support.

I think if your wife is not willing to relocate and if you force her out, you will sow seeds of dissent which could come back to haunt you down the road.

Worst of worst, you may end up doing the proverbial 'fools errand' where people go to India for the sake of parents and kids and then return back to the US/UK or wherever because of things like traffic, pollution, corruption, office politics etc. I have seen way too many cases of these types and quite honestly never quite know what to make of those.

So think hard, if you cant convince your wife then let the R2I go and come to terms with your life in the UK, embrace it, absorb it and enjoy it !!

[M V]

OP,

Looks like you do know what choice you will (have to) make, you can read the writing on the wall, and only want a little nudge... a little dotting of the i's and crossing of the t's.. to make the choice. : ) maybe a little sympathy for the between a rock and a hard place position?

Embrace the writing on the wall. Absorb it. Enjoy it. Such writings are etched in stone.. there's no changing them.

_________________________________________________
The Moving Finger writes; and, having writ,
Moves on: nor all thy Piety nor Wit,
Shall lure it back to cancel half a Line,
Nor all thy Tears wash out a Word of it.

~ Omar Khayyam (as translated by Edward Fitzgerald).

[MadMax]

OP,

Looks like you do know what choice you will (have to) make, you can read the writing on the wall, and only want a little nudge... a little dotting of the i's and crossing of the t's.. to make the choice. : ) maybe a little sympathy for the between a rock and a hard place position?

Embrace the writing on the wall. Absorb it. Enjoy it. Such writings are etched in stone.. there's no changing them.

_________________________________________________
The Moving Finger writes; and, having writ,
Moves on: nor all thy Piety nor Wit,
Shall lure it back to cancel half a Line,
Nor all thy Tears wash out a Word of it.

~ Omar Khayyam (as translated by Edward Fitzgerald).

Yeah OP, if you need help with reading the writing on the hall....here it is.........KICK THY WIFE OUT!

[MadMax]

Yeah OP, if you need help with reading the writing on the hall....here it is.........KICK THY WIFE OUT!

Oh wait, I missed out on the fine print earlier...YOU CAN ALWAYS GET A NEWER AND YOUNGER MODEL! ;)