Kind of a rhetorical question...but would appreciate inputs from successful r2i people.
It has been a year since R2i. I think I can say we have seen the good bad ugly of the r2i experience by now.
Now that the settling period is over , I get varying mindsets - depending on which side of the bed I am waking up !! :) When I See the walking down busy roads, people mingling with each other, wife arranging for festivals and neighbor visits, kids spending time playing with other kids and coming home at 9 PM, hungry and tired - but filled with happiness - I feel 'I am here in India for ever. Who in right mind would ever go back and get stuck in America's void life?'
The very next day, when I have a rough day at work, come accross people who have no respect or value towards others, family issues, traffic,standing inlines, reading in papers about education system and college admission issues, water problems, political madness , etc - I feel like 'IS this where we want our kids to grow? Are we taking a better future out of them? I guess we should go back to America for a better life'
While these thoughts would come across potential and successful R2iers, I am going through a phase (I guess :) ) where I feel 180 degrees opposite on different days.
Not looking for a solution for everything ...but have you guys faced similar mood swings??? How do you come out of it???
LII or R2A
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Desi2return
- Posts: 157
- Joined: Fri Nov 14, 2008 1:27 am
LII or R2A
somebody;467482Kind of a rhetorical question...but would appreciate inputs from successful r2i people.
It has been a year since R2i. I think I can say we have seen the good bad ugly of the r2i experience by now.
Now that the settling period is over , I get varying mindsets - depending on which side of the bed I am waking up !! :) When I See the walking down busy roads, people mingling with each other, wife arranging for festivals and neighbor visits, kids spending time playing with other kids and coming home at 9 PM, hungry and tired - but filled with happiness - I feel 'I am here in India for ever. Who in right mind would ever go back and get stuck in America's void life?'
The very next day, when I have a rough day at work, come accross people who have no respect or value towards others, family issues, traffic,standing inlines, reading in papers about education system and college admission issues, water problems, political madness , etc - I feel like 'IS this where we want our kids to grow? Are we taking a better future out of them? I guess we should go back to America for a better life'
While these thoughts would come across potential and successful R2iers, I am going through a phase (I guess :) ) where I feel 180 degrees opposite on different days.
Not looking for a solution for everything ...but have you guys faced similar mood swings??? How do you come out of it???
Good post! This forum is full of interesting thoughts...No wonder I am so hooked. I may not even be qualified to answer in this thread since I haven't r2ied let alone successful but the way I look at it is, if I ever R2I...I will also plan to R2A in ~5 Years. In spite of the madness (corruption, pollution, no values, ethics, water shortages, power cuts, etc) I see some value in exposing my family(read as kids) to this system. This will give them opportunities to 1) know their roots 2) get familiar with world outside of US 3) Appreciate things in US 4) Potentially make them "street smart" 5) Bi-lingual 6) Get to know their grand parents. In a nut shell experience life in India.
Having said this, I do not want us to confined to India. I want us to be flexible and be able to move back to US. Why? Because this way family (again read as kids) can learn to nimble, explore living in different environments, analyse and understand variety in life.
I am singing this song now...will I sing a different tune 5 years down the line?? who knows!
LII or R2A
I feel like you. Its been 2 months since I relocated.
There are moments when I'm glad I returned. Those are few and far between (e.g. when I take my parents to the doctor). There are daaaays when I regret my decision to return (the list is endless).
But, I guess, largely, more people tend to regret R2I than LIA.
My reasons to hang on to hope are (these are specific to me)-
1) My parents. My returning has given them a moral boost. My mom is in much better health now than when I had just landed. The knowledge that I'm closer and can meet them in a matter of couple hours has reduced their anxiety and crying episodes considerably.
2) I don't have visa issues here (all the time I was in the US, I was on student visa). I can move freely here or sit home doing nothing and not be answerable to anyone (I mean immigration, foreign student services, etc. It may sound strange, but to sit home without worrying about my immigration status is a new feeling to me.)
3) I have a hope to get a job somewhere in this country (I couldn't find a job in the US with work visa).
My reason to come back is my parents. They are my reason to stay here. Once they are gone, India won't feel like home to me. I highly doubt that I will want to stay here then (of course, depending on where I'm in my personal and professional life).
There are moments when I'm glad I returned. Those are few and far between (e.g. when I take my parents to the doctor). There are daaaays when I regret my decision to return (the list is endless).
But, I guess, largely, more people tend to regret R2I than LIA.
My reasons to hang on to hope are (these are specific to me)-
1) My parents. My returning has given them a moral boost. My mom is in much better health now than when I had just landed. The knowledge that I'm closer and can meet them in a matter of couple hours has reduced their anxiety and crying episodes considerably.
2) I don't have visa issues here (all the time I was in the US, I was on student visa). I can move freely here or sit home doing nothing and not be answerable to anyone (I mean immigration, foreign student services, etc. It may sound strange, but to sit home without worrying about my immigration status is a new feeling to me.)
3) I have a hope to get a job somewhere in this country (I couldn't find a job in the US with work visa).
My reason to come back is my parents. They are my reason to stay here. Once they are gone, India won't feel like home to me. I highly doubt that I will want to stay here then (of course, depending on where I'm in my personal and professional life).
LII or R2A
gurusw;467535Meditation in the morning, and keeping busy during the day is the only way out :)
Thanks gurusw...No wonder India is a land of Sprituality. We need to be very wise or spiritual to get into the mindset for living here - especially if you are coming back after a gap ;)
LII or R2A
tinu;467532My reason to come back is my parents. They are my reason to stay here. Once they are gone, India won't feel like home to me. I highly doubt that I will want to stay here then.
This was a strong reason for me as well, tinu...As we are in different city than my parents are, we are visiting once in a while. The comfort feel is there on the proximity advantage, but they seem to be more busy, happy and engaged where they are - instead of idling at a city where I have taken up my job post r2i ;)
LII or R2A
Desi2return;467528 In spite of the madness (corruption, pollution, no values, ethics, water shortages, power cuts, etc) I see some value in exposing my family(read as kids) to this system. This will give them opportunities to 1) know their roots 2) get familiar with world outside of US 3) Appreciate things in US 4) Potentially make them "street smart" 5) Bi-lingual 6) Get to know their grand parents. In a nut shell experience life in India!
That's a very interesting perspective but it also begs the question "do our kids really need that?".
IMO, I think we are a generation of Indians who do a lot of "helicopter parenting" in making decisions for our kids by either directing their life towards the exact same circumstances that we grew up in so that they get a "taste and feel" of how life was back then, or protecting them from situations in life that we ourselves went through that perhaps made us stronger and resilient. In the end, I'm wondering whether we are setting up our sons and daughters towards failure by taking away from them the chance of living a normal life where they will learn things the same way the rest of their peers do, make mistakes and learn from them and become self-reliant individuals with the ability to make well-informed and independent choices without us parents thrusting our hopes, dreams and desires down their throats.
Coming to think of it, I don't think our parents took us back in time to whatever situation or environment they grew up in just so we can learn to be "just like them". Instead, they let us evolve into whoever we are today inspite of all the changes and external influences around us that must've definitely been new to them at the time. In the end, I don't think we all ended up badly, did we? So, why don't we allow our kids to benefit from the progress that we have already made in our lives and then let them pave their way forward?
I'm just thinking out loud here. I'm sure many of us have these conflicting thoughts and views running in the background of our minds as we strive hard to decide what's best for our kids and for our families.
LII or R2A
somebody;467482Kind of a rhetorical question...but would appreciate inputs from successful r2i people.
It has been a year since R2i. I think I can say we have seen the good bad ugly of the r2i experience by now.
Good observation.
Per·se·ver·ance is the key to successful R2I.
And when you have too many options then it will make you more confused.
Even at the slightest frustration, you will think of fall back (read R2A) when you have one. If you are really want to return to India ,not just a try, burn all the bridges. you will manage like rest of the 1 billion people in India.
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willynilly
- Posts: 576
- Joined: Wed Jun 23, 2010 11:36 pm
LII or R2A
OP, a very thoughtful and honest post. I guess, it articulates the dilemmas and emotional struggles of many of us who R2I/R2A/LII/LIA (and everyone in between) :thup:.
Your whole post accurately describes the push and pull factors anyone who R2I's goes through, the answer however, is not a one size fits all in this matter, there is no easy solution to these internal dilemmas, it all depends on your individual situation, and what works best for you and your family.
I think what you are experiencing is completely normal and a part and parcel of the emotional rollercoaster that is R2I.
I only had a mini R2i & do plan on r2i long term someday (hopefully within next 4-5 years), but still I went through what you describe in your post in that time frame, heck I still go through those emotions routinely, even after r2a'ing, for instance, when I see reports like the colorado shootings, or stories of teen pregnancy or reports about growing substance abuse issues in the west, or even if I catch an episode of Jersey Shore :p (only by mistake ofcourse:))) I feel, like am I crazy to be raising my family here ? Do I really want my children infected with the virus of the entitled american teenager ? (A brilliant movie on what I'm describing here is God bless America ).
At such a time, R2i'ing seems like the most logical choice, and an easy way out, only thing is, once you do r2i, you realize it is the farthest thing from an 'easy way out'. Readjusting to India after living abroad for years together, is challenging to say the least. The India you come back to is not the same as the India you left behind, it has changed considerably, some for the better and some for the worse, you may not be able to adjust yourself with the changed India. You may have to re-learn habits/attitudes/mindsets, you have left behind and unlearned years ago and in the process you may realize that some of those attitudes/mindsets are not things you are prepared to re-learn (bribing a cop for a traffic violation for example), you may not be the same person you were before you left India, and hence aren't able to fit back in the country as well as you'd hoped, not saying this is what every r2i'er will go through, but certainly stands true for many. Reading news reports like the guwahati mob molestation case or similar social evils of India, can only exacerbate those feelings.
No doubt, r2i has it's upsides, being closer to family, having your children develop strong family bonds with their grandparents, cousins,etc, is one, as is being able to raise your children with the same values you grew up with, however, India too is rapidly changing, and many of the problems of raising children in the west stand true for India too (although no where near the same scale and magnitude), so some may come to the conclusion that India did not stand up to their expectations, and r2a, and yet others may be able to work out the internal struggles better and choose to LII, but like I said, there's no one right answer, no cookie cutter solution, it's a complex issue with no easy solution.
The thing is, I feel, that those of us, who got to experience firsthand life outside our homelands, it is a double edged sword, on one hand, we see what developed countries have to offer in terms of quality of life, cleaner surroundings, relatively hassle free life, smooth working systems, all while making some money in the process, and get to a place where we can live comfortably, either abroad or in India, and that kind of easy, hassle free, and financially stable life can get real addictive, very difficult to let go, even in part (like in case of r2i). However, on the other hand there is a certain void or emptiness that exists in the LIA/R2A life (may not apply to those who have family settled in that country with them), life here is monotonous, to the point of being almost robotic, and also due to the fiercely individualistic nature of western society (versus most desis who are used to a more community oriented life back home), life here gets lonely for many desis, yes, most people try to fill the void, with friends and a good social circle, and while those are all important to have and effective to a certain extent, they cannot replace a close knit family bond, or close childhood friends, so once the euphoria of living in a developed country dies down and reality hits, it can get difficult for people and the pangs of r2i start hitting hard.
I think, this is our (NRIs) gift, and our curse, we were lucky enough to live & experience different cultures, lifestyles, and that is a package deal, we don't get to pick and choose parts of life abroad and India and mix them together, we only get to make our choice (R2I/R2A/LII/LIA,etc) and make our peace with it.
Your whole post accurately describes the push and pull factors anyone who R2I's goes through, the answer however, is not a one size fits all in this matter, there is no easy solution to these internal dilemmas, it all depends on your individual situation, and what works best for you and your family.
I think what you are experiencing is completely normal and a part and parcel of the emotional rollercoaster that is R2I.
I only had a mini R2i & do plan on r2i long term someday (hopefully within next 4-5 years), but still I went through what you describe in your post in that time frame, heck I still go through those emotions routinely, even after r2a'ing, for instance, when I see reports like the colorado shootings, or stories of teen pregnancy or reports about growing substance abuse issues in the west, or even if I catch an episode of Jersey Shore :p (only by mistake ofcourse:))) I feel, like am I crazy to be raising my family here ? Do I really want my children infected with the virus of the entitled american teenager ? (A brilliant movie on what I'm describing here is God bless America ).
At such a time, R2i'ing seems like the most logical choice, and an easy way out, only thing is, once you do r2i, you realize it is the farthest thing from an 'easy way out'. Readjusting to India after living abroad for years together, is challenging to say the least. The India you come back to is not the same as the India you left behind, it has changed considerably, some for the better and some for the worse, you may not be able to adjust yourself with the changed India. You may have to re-learn habits/attitudes/mindsets, you have left behind and unlearned years ago and in the process you may realize that some of those attitudes/mindsets are not things you are prepared to re-learn (bribing a cop for a traffic violation for example), you may not be the same person you were before you left India, and hence aren't able to fit back in the country as well as you'd hoped, not saying this is what every r2i'er will go through, but certainly stands true for many. Reading news reports like the guwahati mob molestation case or similar social evils of India, can only exacerbate those feelings.
No doubt, r2i has it's upsides, being closer to family, having your children develop strong family bonds with their grandparents, cousins,etc, is one, as is being able to raise your children with the same values you grew up with, however, India too is rapidly changing, and many of the problems of raising children in the west stand true for India too (although no where near the same scale and magnitude), so some may come to the conclusion that India did not stand up to their expectations, and r2a, and yet others may be able to work out the internal struggles better and choose to LII, but like I said, there's no one right answer, no cookie cutter solution, it's a complex issue with no easy solution.
The thing is, I feel, that those of us, who got to experience firsthand life outside our homelands, it is a double edged sword, on one hand, we see what developed countries have to offer in terms of quality of life, cleaner surroundings, relatively hassle free life, smooth working systems, all while making some money in the process, and get to a place where we can live comfortably, either abroad or in India, and that kind of easy, hassle free, and financially stable life can get real addictive, very difficult to let go, even in part (like in case of r2i). However, on the other hand there is a certain void or emptiness that exists in the LIA/R2A life (may not apply to those who have family settled in that country with them), life here is monotonous, to the point of being almost robotic, and also due to the fiercely individualistic nature of western society (versus most desis who are used to a more community oriented life back home), life here gets lonely for many desis, yes, most people try to fill the void, with friends and a good social circle, and while those are all important to have and effective to a certain extent, they cannot replace a close knit family bond, or close childhood friends, so once the euphoria of living in a developed country dies down and reality hits, it can get difficult for people and the pangs of r2i start hitting hard.
I think, this is our (NRIs) gift, and our curse, we were lucky enough to live & experience different cultures, lifestyles, and that is a package deal, we don't get to pick and choose parts of life abroad and India and mix them together, we only get to make our choice (R2I/R2A/LII/LIA,etc) and make our peace with it.
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Desi2return
- Posts: 157
- Joined: Fri Nov 14, 2008 1:27 am
LII or R2A
OotyGuy;467550That's a very interesting perspective but it also begs the question "do our kids really need that?".
IMO, I think we are a generation of Indians who do a lot of "helicopter parenting" in making decisions for our kids by either directing their life towards the exact same circumstances that we grew up in so that they get a "taste and feel" of how life was back then, or protecting them from situations in life that we ourselves went through that perhaps made us stronger and resilient. In the end, I'm wondering whether we are setting up our sons and daughters towards failure by taking away from them the chance of living a normal life where they will learn things the same way the rest of their peers do, make mistakes and learn from them and become self-reliant individuals with the ability to make well-informed and independent choices without us parents thrusting our hopes, dreams and desires down their throats.
Coming to think of it, I don't think our parents took us back in time to whatever situation or environment they grew up in just so we can learn to be "just like them". Instead, they let us evolve into whoever we are today inspite of all the changes and external influences around us that must've definitely been new to them at the time. In the end, I don't think we all ended up badly, did we? So, why don't we allow our kids to benefit from the progress that we have already made in our lives and then let them pave their way forward?
I'm just thinking out loud here. I'm sure many of us have these conflicting thoughts and views running in the background of our minds as we strive hard to decide what's best for our kids and for our families.
Appreciate your response OotyGuy! Well articulated. We are all different and we all have different styles....one style may not be better than the other. I can only enforce things on to our kids that I (and my spouse) believe in. To be successful one has to be willing to embrace change and be flexible. When I moved to US 12 yrs ago, first 6 months was a major disaster. Next 6 months was a minor disaster. One of the reasons is because I was not prepared and I had almost zero experience with change. By providing an opportunity to experience change early on in my kid's lives, I believe it will only make them stronger, although it will be painful to being with.
As a parent it's my responsibility to expose them to life challenges early on so that they can get used it and when they face it in real time, they have the necessary skill set to handle those challenges.
R2I in my case is not just about kids....so don't get me wrong. Its what my wife desires at this point. For me, I never worked in India and working for those ~5 yrs will give me exposure to "work" life in India. I get to prepare for our retirement in India. Plus I will get to visit my parents and in-laws more often. I guess there is something in this move for everyone in my family. Of course, I am only looking at the bright side. Unless the reality hits on our faces we will not be able to realize the dark side :-)
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Desi2return
- Posts: 157
- Joined: Fri Nov 14, 2008 1:27 am
LII or R2A
Sorry sir! I for one do not believe in "burning the bridges concept"....what your suggesting is like driving without a car insurance thinking that "oh if I have this insurance, I will make mistakes and hence cause accidents. If I don't have this insurance I will drive carefully and wont make any mistakes".