Can loneliness be one of the strong reasons for R2I ?

Aqua777771 · Post by **Aqua777771** » Wed Oct 31, 2012 12:58 pm

ok - so here's the situation

been in US for almost 14-15 yrs
standard IT engineer story - comes to US -consulting jobs - gets married - kids (under 10yrs age) - India vacations every couple yrs- GC - couple of job changes - USC + OCI -now in 40's

few college friends in US - made lots of new friends - almost 50% of them have R2I'ed - couple of them R2A'd

very limited friends circle now - minimal social interactions in day to day life

Feeling life in US very monotonous and lonely - whereas life in India -how to put it - 'buzzing' - more so after returning from India vacations

Gone are the days when you'd meet new friends quite too often and make lasting friendships.

Is it right time to R2I - given kids age and given this feeling of loneliness?

Aqua

Old-Spice2 · Post by **Old-Spice2** » Wed Oct 31, 2012 3:46 pm

Yes, loneliness is one reason why some people r2i. As you grow into 40s, life can get lonely in US for the reason you mentioned. Many good friends who came with us to US may have r2i. It is tough to make new friends with younger crowd as their issues and problems will be different from yours. Someone said it is easier to make friends in US when your kids are of same age.

Then your kids grow up, go to college and move out of home. It gets more lonely. Then the inevitable happens, one of the spouse goes to heaven and the survivor is left on his/her own. It gets terrible for people without big family network in US. Money and toys will take you only so far. It is a challenge for first generation immigrants who are still emotionally attached to the motherland.

About India's social life - you can not get lonely here if you live in a big city. Indians in India are more open to friendship provided you are willing to open up. We have lot of vacation coming up. It is possible to make couple of short trips and meet relatives in other cities. Not possible if you are LIA - you need to combine everything in one trip and then get lonely/bored for next two years.

As you grow older, you start losing your relatives in India. At some point of time, it will not make any sense to visit India as nobody is waiting for you here. I think this is reality of life and living too far away from home makes it worse.

back2desh · Post by **back2desh** » Wed Oct 31, 2012 4:32 pm

Very good and valid points Old-Spice2..... I was going to respond in the same way to OP... Anyways just to let OP know most of my friends/colleagues who are of my age are stuck in US currently not able to make up their mind to R2I or LIA. Some of them are so frustrated with work as they are above 40+ and just working as a developer/sr. developer with rest of the younger generation, career wise they are simply stuck and not happy, some are in good position career wise but their personal life is very monotonous like what OP mentioned below... it's quite straight forward the longer one stays there the more difficult it would become for one to think of R2I, one will remain there unhappy forever inspite of all the luxuries and cleanness surrounding... one thing i must say in India there is so much dynamism and challenges which will keep one busy for ever :) but then you will have to like it to be open up for challenges

Old-Spice2;478165Yes, loneliness is one reason why some people r2i. As you grow into 40s, life can get lonely in US for the reason you mentioned. Many good friends who came with us to US may have r2i. It is tough to make new friends with younger crowd as their issues and problems will be different from yours. Someone said it is easier to make friends in US when your kids are of same age.

Then your kids grow up, go to college and move out of home. It gets more lonely. Then the inevitable happens, one of the spouse goes to heaven and the survivor is left on his/her own. It gets terrible for people without big family network in US. Money and toys will take you only so far. It is a challenge for first generation immigrants who are still emotionally attached to the motherland.

About India's social life - you can not get lonely here if you live in a big city. Indians in India are more open to friendship provided you are willing to open up. We have lot of vacation coming up. It is possible to make couple of short trips and meet relatives in other cities. Not possible if you are LIA - you need to combine everything in one trip and then get lonely/bored for next two years.

As you grow older, you start losing your relatives in India. At some point of time, it will not make any sense to visit India as nobody is waiting for you here. I think this is reality of life and living too far away from home makes it worse.

roxstar · Post by **roxstar** » Wed Oct 31, 2012 9:45 pm

Lonliness is not a situation but it is a condition! If you are lonely it is like being unwell. if not treated on time will have its ramifications in my view.

I have not lived in India (at least for a long time) so cant speak about the lonliness there. I would imagine one wont feel lonely because there is so much buzz, traffic, chaos, functions, family, festivals, cricket etc.

I have gone through this myself. A fair contingent of my friends circle left our area, some voluntarily, some just because of circumstances, but then you got to do what you got to do. Make new friends, get new hobbies and interests and meet new people. You will be surprised that even now you can make some deep friendships.

Good luck.

Aqua777771;478160ok - so here's the situation

been in US for almost 14-15 yrs
standard IT engineer story - comes to US -consulting jobs - gets married - kids (under 10yrs age) - India vacations every couple yrs- GC - couple of job changes - USC + OCI -now in 40's

few college friends in US - made lots of new friends - almost 50% of them have R2I'ed - couple of them R2A'd

very limited friends circle now - minimal social interactions in day to day life

Feeling life in US very monotonous and lonely - whereas life in India -how to put it - 'buzzing' - more so after returning from India vacations

Gone are the days when you'd meet new friends quite too often and make lasting friendships.

Is it right time to R2I - given kids age and given this feeling of loneliness?

Aqua

P_Jani · Post by **P_Jani** » Wed Oct 31, 2012 10:09 pm

I still do not agree with some views made here.

Life itself is a process, - going through the changes.
An inevitable go-through, and we all are part and particles of it,…........ KG friends, then school friends, then college friends, then business friends,……
also in our homely relations,.. previously intimate with parents, then wife, then kids, then their bahus ( DILs) kids and family,..
and in this journey,.. you always lose old members,.. be it KG friends or old parents, be elder brothers and sisters later,…….

So, it’ s a part of the mandatory life process.

Luckily, due to the technology today, communication via,...... chat, live video cameras, cells, digital photos, net, e-mails and phones,… now a days is almost free,….
and one can feel almost our dear ones there sitting in India, almost just next to you,… so loneliness is not that issue,…
it depends on you, how mixing-natured you are with friends, society, fun, festivals,.. other surrounding cultural activities,…. Tv, News, cinemas, shows, Nataks ( plays ), programs, functions,… Etc.

For example,…. I talk to my Bro and Father almost say,.. average 3 times a day,..... Smtms even extended talks for hours,..
‘Coz the communication has improved a lot, Video chat, net, e-mails ,.. etc. keeps you closely contacted, connected and communicated,… minute to minute.

So,…dunno’ even what we are talking here ! L

Grab a copy of the Movie “ Namesake - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Namesake_(film) “ today,.. watch it,…and make a living, wherever you are at , considering it as yours very own, and you will fall in love with it.

Remember,... " Jahaan pe Sawera Ho,.... Basera wahin hai " - ( Wherever you see the hope for, to be raised and elevated,.. make a living there )

Indian corruptions, pollution, n' population - lack of law and order,.. is telling me, screamingly,... " iis raat ki koi subah nahin " ! ( No band-aid for this wound ! )

.......

P_Jani · Post by **P_Jani** » Wed Oct 31, 2012 11:08 pm

One very common thing/question, that I have seen, heard and noticed,
that the ppl are constantly afraid of, feared of, and asking over and over,...... What 25 yrs down the road ( while living in US/UK ) ? ,......, what may happen after certain years ( 25 more yrs down the road ),
when we will be real old,....... will there be anyone out here, surrounding us to take care of, to compensate, soothe and sympathize us,.......or,…at least to cremate us,… or what ?
What about that time ?????

Well,.. here is the answer,…
( Hope you could read this article in Gujarati - a must read for Gujaratis )

Title says - 70 yrs Nat-Khati ( mischievous ) Youths !

http://s689.beta.photobucket.com/user/rakesh15/media/11-7.jpg.html#/user/rakesh15/media/11-7.jpg.html?&_suid=13517038220460581170174118993

http://s689.beta.photobucket.com/user/rakesh15/media/12-4.jpg.html#/user/rakesh15/media/11-7.jpg.html?&_suid=135170391985900841183106598426

The picture shows the elder club in Surat - 65-100 yrs of living personas,... enjoying old classic movie in their theater,... meeting, greeting, food-dinner, old class movies shown and also a given dictation about what the movie is all about,... and Guide, aashiwaad and such their times' classics in their times seen...

In the city Surat, these old aged ppl are enjoying their heaven,.
They do,..movie watching ( older club ) have dinner, fun and own entertainment,… living live , full of life ,.. with fun, laughter, knowledge-share, food, dinner and movies w/ sympathy sharing gatherings,... and so forth !

Now, if these guys were asked 25 yrs ago,....... they all were worried about their old-hood,.. what will happen to us after 25 years?
But they have a heavenly life,. .. they watch movies in their own theater every week, meet to gether, have fun, festival, dinners, laughter clubs and so on,…

So, the point here is,... Let time to tell the story,........n' time will find its solution,.. guaranteed,......

and likewise,. 25 yrs later, the Indians in USA/UK who also grew older in their 65+ of age now,
will also have their similar clubs, unions, meetings, gathering and other aids and sympathy help unity to a very largerer extent, and that I can guarantee.
So,... Time will find its own solution.

Remember,… 25+ yrs ago,.. ppl living in the USA/UK had to go to India to find the Bride and B-grooms
and ppl here at that time,....who just recently married,…...... were constantly worried,. ..........What will happen to their kids, 25 yrs later,... and if thje generation has changed out there in India,..... who will give them their son or daughter as SIL and DIL ,........ and who will marry them ( their kids ),.. when they turned 25 in the USA/UK ?

And, Today??
They all marry among their NRI born same ABCDs community here,..... in our Indo community and know each other,... since schools - colleges
and even doing inter-caste marriages, among the Indians,...... find their favorite partner/spouse,.... even without going with,...... any gora, Spanish, Mexican, Jamaicans, or African for any illegal one-night stands and run-aways !

So? Problem is solved. No ?

And, so will the time, will find its own solution ,…for a burning question in my paragraph one above.

A will ( burning desire ), will find its way ! So, I don’t worry.

Just, Don't worry,..... Be Happy.

:)

gshankar · Post by **gshankar** » Thu Nov 01, 2012 1:14 am

Agree word by word to OS2. Loneliness is one of the prime reason for people who do not have any siblings or cousins in US. Though there are Phones, SMS, Video chats etc, nothing can replace the physical presence of oneself during the holidays, festivities, birthdays etc. Kids stay home in US only until 12th grade. Once they go to college, you can count the number of days you get to see them. One of our best friends in US are the first one to become empty nesters. Extremely friendly and outgoing couple. Both kids are in college. One in the East Coast comes home twice a year- X-mas and Summer. The one in West Coast comes home 4 times a year. And the maximum number of days they stay back is about a week. Talented and very well mannered kids and family is very well-to do. Money is not an issue at all given the high income and stock options. Mom is a SAHM. No relatives or siblings in US. Though they have a huge circle of friends all over US, the local get-togethers happen only on weekends. No guests or friends show up Mon-Fri. Time goes off fast for people who work fulltime. How long one can be shopping, browsing internet, pursuing hobby like knitting, sewing, cooking, social service etc? The scenario is totally different for my parents (or in-laws) in India who live by themselves. There are so many impromptu visits by grown up kids, grandkids, the kid?s in-laws, siblings, sibling?s kids, grandkids, cousins etc. On top of it, there are several weddings and functions to attend. There is no space for boredom. When I was talking to my parents this week, they said they had to attend a wedding the next day. When I asked who it was, they said it was my dad?s sister?s son?s wife?s brother?s wedding. I then realized that as we grow older, our relationship circle gets bigger and bigger. You don?t even have to take any special effort to make friendship in India.

Chakraan · Post by **Chakraan** » Thu Nov 01, 2012 1:57 am

What can be the long term impact of loneliness ?

I am suffering from acute form of loneliness. I work from home and there is no human interaction.

Tried making friends but it did not work. After 2-3 meet and phone calls, things have dried down naturally .It is difficult to make real long lasting friendship after certain age.

To make the situation worst, this r2iforum also very quite lately. :(

I once wrote aboute loneliness here

Aqua777771 · Post by **Aqua777771** » Thu Nov 01, 2012 5:40 am

Technology cannot replace physical presence IMHO - you need to be in that buzzing environment to be a part of it. How many times have you kicked yourself coz' you're not there when on the phone/webcam/IM you saw/heard all friends/relatives/cousins interacting/meeting/talking, enjoying cricket/movies/restaurants/festivals

Chakran pointed out right and my observation too - you can have many professional 'colloegues', 'acquaintaces' but thats not the same as 'close friends'
you still can be lonely in a crowd of 'colloegues', 'acquaintaces'

gshankar - rightly said - you don't have to take extra effort to meet/greet in India - you can have good conversation even with your baniya- maybe it is the due to that sense of belonging as well as number of people?

Old-Spice2 · Post by **Old-Spice2** » Thu Nov 01, 2012 7:24 am

gshankar;478204 When I was talking to my parents this week, they said they had to attend a wedding the next day. When I asked who it was, they said it was my dad’s sister’s son’s wife’s brother’s wedding. I then realized that as we grow older, our relationship circle gets bigger and bigger. You don’t even have to take any special effort to make friendship in India.

Interesting observation. But you have to be physically present here to build & maintain the relationship with next generation. Otherwise your niece/nephew will not know who is this rich NRI aunty:)

Chakraan;478208What can be the long term impact of loneliness ?

Get back to normal job or try to work from office for 2-3 days per week. When you wrote you work full time from home, I thought this guy must be going nuts. WFH that too in a sparsely populated town like Austin!

Long term loneliness can lead to mental issues, depression and suicidal tendencies. One interesting point caught my attention towards suburban lifestyle of America:

"Within developed nations, loneliness has shown the largest increases among two groups: seniors and people living in low-density suburbs. Seniors living in suburban areas are particularly vulnerable, for as they lose the ability to drive they often become "stranded" and find it difficult to maintain interpersonal relationships."

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Loneliness

As we go grow older in US, Indians will be affected more as our social and family circle is limited compared to whites. At that age, r2i becomes difficult/impossible as adjustment to Indian lifestyle is not easy when you are old and senile. I am middle aged and find so many challenges here. Since I was away from the country for 15+ years, I can ignore the problems or find a workaround and look at larger picture. If you spend 30+ years in US, you lose that ability and may get stuck in things like dirt, corruption and pollution over which you have no control.