R2I after kids have settled

teera · Post by **teera** » Tue Dec 30, 2014 12:34 am

A sizable number of r2i enthusiasts plan on returning and retiring in India after kids settle down (in foreign land). A typical plan would be to plan ahead and invest in a decent home in India, retain ties with friends and relatives, make arrangements for some passive income, and once kids settle down with job/marriage, declare ?mission accomplished? and head back to India to indulge in their long-shelved guilty pleasures.

Just how viable is this plan from an emotional angle?

I for one subscribe to this option and even been making initial strides in that direction. A conversation I recently had with a friend on this topic threw a wrench in that line of thought. He said - "We can never really wash our hands off our kids here". Case in point ? his married daughter who is in her late 20s recently had a premature baby and is now moving across the country to be back with her parents for a year or two. Good for her she has a support system to help her cope with her situation.

I?m quoting this case to build the premise for a more generic question ? Will we be severing the support system for our kids by going back to India?

My take is that it serves no one?s interest by making our kids dependent on us in the long run. This is independent of where we choose to live the latter part of our lives. Kids should learn to live their own lives, just like we did. Of course truly indispensable circumstances and emergencies are exceptions. We can always be there for brief stints when they really need us, but to be around at their beck and call is not a healthy proposition. This would also give the parents the independence to choose the way of life and location of their liking for them to retire in. I?m banking on it. :)

There is no right or wrong answer on this; it?s a very personal belief. Emotional fallibility differs from person to person. It?s very likely that even the spouse may have a opposing point of view on this, which makes the decision trickier. For those in this boat of thought, is it a simple decision, or have you just not thought through the implications of such a move? For the few who have already done this, any thoughts?

okonomi · Post by **okonomi** » Tue Dec 30, 2014 2:09 am

teera;589227A sizable number of r2i enthusiasts plan on returning and retiring in India after kids settle down (in foreign land). ......
There is no right or wrong answer on this; it’s a very personal belief. .....
For the few who have already done this, any thoughts?

Winter visits to India is the best that would eventually come about. I have observed that desi couples with only boy-children settled in the first world, have an easier time being absent longer than those with girl-children....whether they be married to persons-of-indian-origin or not.

One member who had been planning a retired-R2I with such Project-Management style finesse...finally threw in the towel.....in spite of RE-ownership, and even RE-rental income, SS-direct deposit, Cricket-on-TV, local culture up the wazoo, peaceful 2nd tier town, yada yada... all setup, neat and tidy.

cmk786;565216I am not willing to let go the following: comfortable life, good health care, good environment, easy going life style, easy to deal with people and easy to get things done in banks, govt offices, hospitals etc just a phone call away and things in this country will be done without much hazel. And there are many more reasons why India do not suite for me. The only thing I like in India is our Indian culture and social life and nothing else is worth saying.

If he had pulled it off, I was hoping he'd write a diary.

SamSan · Post by **SamSan** » Tue Dec 30, 2014 2:27 am

We are thinking the same i.e. retire in India after kids are settled, especially since we tried R2I and it didn?t work out and we are back in US of A now. But I don?t think we can completely shift our base to India. We have 2 girls and we want them to have family around. So we are planning on spending time both in India and US. May be spend the winter months in India and get back to US between spring ? fall. Off course the girls have to be independent, but at the same time they shouldn?t face the same emotional gap and anxiety that we faced having our parents so far away. For our parents it is harder to call America their home, but that shouldn?t be a factor for us. Hopefully we will have enough savings and enough energy to do all the travel back and forth. We plan on visiting India every year or atleast once in 2 years (we have been going every year since my elder daughter was born) to keep the connection. We are talking about 20-25 years from now(atleast in our case)?who knows what the future has in store for us?

Anu_Global · Post by **Anu_Global** » Tue Dec 30, 2014 2:48 am

Nice topic teera.

This one is discussed a lot with few of my friends. Now with kids in college, I have lost hope to return back when kids are studying here in the colleges, this one is very common question in our minds- is it possible to move back after kids are settled down?

The point you have raised is – is it necessary or needed for parents to provide support system? If yes then for how long and if no, for that you have given good reasoning.
However it is not only about support system to our kids but lot more other reasons as well. The ones I can think of right now are:

1. Closer to kids & grandkids: In later ages, more important is- to stay closer, to stay in touch with one’s kids & grandkids. We all know- “asal se sood jyada pyara hota hai” (interest is more dear than the actual amount), the “moh”/attachment of grandkids makes it very hard for parents to move away. This is based on with my conversation with few of my senior friends who are in age bracket of 65-80. Yes kids can also visit with their kids in India, just like how we do it, but for us, if it is possible, why not? no visa issues.....and we know the life in the US, why not stay close by? Just like us, our kids (who never stayed in India for long term except in vacation time) would not have childhood memory, friends, surroundings to relate to, or relatives with whom they have had regular interaction. So their chances of visitng with their kids is very very less in compare to us visiting our parents in India. One couple in their 80’s is very lucky to have loving sons & DIL and they stay with them regularly and visit India every year. But in very old age this might not be possible to visit India often.

Even with couples who are not very close to their kids (MIL/DIL problems), I have seen, still not able to discard their feelings towards their grandkids just because their kid’s spouse is indifferent to them. Still they do every effort to stay close. I guess love has no reasoning.

2. Old Age Problems, 6 months in each Country: this one is very popular wish among retiring couples- having best of both worlds. Only possible if you have a very good support family system in India and health. Practically not possible.

3. Family: When one lives so far away, its not possible to take part in all good and bad things happenings in our ext family. Like weddings, house warming, death etc… so almost everyone learns and accepts your absence in their life and learn to live and move on….now after retirement if we move there expecting a good family support, it might not be there. People connects with the time spent together….with shared memories…..spending time every other year for a month or two does not count. Moving back is not just to a “familiar” place but people around it too.

4. Last Days: One of my friends told me that in their last days, when one departs, atleast their kids are in the same country to take care of the things.

5. Adjustment: As we grow old it becomes more difficult to adjust in and start from scratch. Not enough energy to deal with day to day problems esp when one is used to living a comfortable life without any khit-pit for long.

No matter whatever the reasons are, for not able to go back, each one has one sadness in their eyes and still a longing towards their birth country and thinking that – what if they have moved back earlier…..” (esp applies to people who dont have family here in the US)

direstraits88 · Post by **direstraits88** » Tue Dec 30, 2014 5:08 am

If i remember right, one of the forum members "cmk786" went through the whole process recently and it appears he finally decided r2a on his son's insistence.

cmk786: Sir, your thoughts?

layman · Post by **layman** » Tue Dec 30, 2014 9:35 am

teera;589227A sizable number of r2i enthusiasts plan on returning and retiring in India after kids settle down (in foreign land). A typical plan would be to plan ahead and invest in a decent home in India, retain ties with friends and relatives, make arrangements for some passive income, and once kids settle down with job/marriage, declare ‘mission accomplished’ and head back to India to indulge in their long-shelved guilty pleasures.

Why would you do that? Your relatives and friends, whatever said and done, will have more stronger nuclear groups for themselves. Nothing can be comparable to the affection in a parent/child relationship. Even our siblings will be more attached to their own children than to us. Apart from the emotional support/angle of your kids, is there sufficient emotional support for you? At old age, we need strong emotional support as well.

PS: When I say "you", I am not referring to you per se. It is addressed to you, me or whoever intending to R2I with kids settled abroad.

teera · Post by **teera** » Tue Dec 30, 2014 9:54 am

layman;589276Why would you do that? Your relatives and friends, whatever said and done, will have more stronger nuclear groups for themselves. Nothing can be comparable to the affection in a parent/child relationship. Even siblings will be more attached to their own children than us. Apart from the emotional support/angle of your kids, is there sufficient emotional support for you? At old age, we need strong emotional support as well.

Great question. There is no universal answer to that question. There are many variables that influence the comfort level of someone returning to India. Each one?s situation and predicaments are different. If one is serious about it, it also needs a good deal of planning over time. As for relationships and emotional support back home, they don?t happen overnight. It?s a 2 way street where one has to nurture these sentiments over time. It?s hard to draw on them on a need-to basis.

Speaking for myself, I?m blessed with an abundance of such support back home. So if I do choose to return, that will be least of my worries. That my folks still live in an extended jointed family set up helps?.best of both worlds ? required proximity and distance, both in equal measure.

teera · Post by **teera** » Tue Dec 30, 2014 10:05 am

SamSan;589241We are thinking the same i.e. retire in India after kids are settled, especially since we tried R2I and it didn?t work out and we are back in US of A now. But I don?t think we can completely shift our base to India. We have 2 girls and we want them to have family around. So we are planning on spending time both in India and US. May be spend the winter months in India and get back to US between spring ? fall. Off course the girls have to be independent, but at the same time they shouldn?t face the same emotional gap and anxiety that we faced having our parents so far away. For our parents it is harder to call America their home, but that shouldn?t be a factor for us. Hopefully we will have enough savings and enough energy to do all the travel back and forth. We plan on visiting India every year or atleast once in 2 years (we have been going every year since my elder daughter was born) to keep the connection. We are talking about 20-25 years from now(atleast in our case)?who knows what the future has in store for us?

That?s not a bad idea at all (splitting time between US and India). In fact a lot of people do that. But there is a shelf life to this routine. There comes a time when age/health will restrict one?s movements. My immediate neighbor in India, who was a practicing doctor in the US hit that point and since last year has decided to stay put in India. Where one decides to spend the evening of one?s life is a topic unto itself. :) But yes, you have a long way to go before contemplating that.

srinpo · Post by **srinpo** » Tue Dec 30, 2014 10:18 am

I like to pitch in with one point which strikes me. Please excuse this remark, and is a general response to this thread, almost against all these opinions, not in general to anyone. But I agree that is life and must go on.
Isnt it selfish thinking at play here ? After all we are saying we wont be there for our parents and how they must fend for themselves, and not emotional black mail. (agreed I am putting in words here), but when it comes to us, suddenly we are enlightened and want to stay close to our kids.
Sorry, I see a good amount of selfishness and different rules for different people suiting us when needed, but masquerading as honest, unbiased, just.

teera · Post by **teera** » Tue Dec 30, 2014 10:24 am

okonomi;589239Winter visits to India is the best that would eventually come about. I have observed that desi couples with only boy-children settled in the first world, have an easier time being absent longer than those with girl-children....whether they be married to persons-of-indian-origin or not.

I concur. Parents with girl-kids do tend to dwell deeper on this topic. I guess it is our cultural conditioning that does that.

okonomi;589239One member who had been planning a retired-R2I with such Project-Management style finesse...finally threw in the towel.....in spite of RE-ownership, and even RE-rental income, SS-direct deposit, Cricket-on-TV, local culture up the wazoo, peaceful 2nd tier town, yada yada... all setup, neat and tidy.

This goes back to LIA vs R2I conundrum, and I?m not advocating one over the other. To each his own. I?ve had a great time in both places and am pretty such I will be content and happy at either place in future as well. It?s just that r2i eventually is my preference, for a variety of reasons.