Situation : Two income family with a 4 year old boy, wondering whether to have a second kid.
Dilemma : If we do decide to have a second child, age difference between the two kids may be around 5+ years. Even after reading numerous posts (including some from this very forum), I am not able to make up my mind on whether the 5+ year difference is significant. Also, I am an *extremely* career oriented person, who has been doing a not-so-bad job juggling work and home. I am not sure how the equation will change with a second child.
The first one goes to a private school now. If we have the second child, private school will no longer be an option. I also worry about what will happen if I am not able to cope, and quit my job. At that point, I am worried how a single income family in BAY area, will cope with two kids, and a mortgage! My husband and I are both in good positions, but we are only individual contributors with no desire to get into management, although both of us have the necessary skill-set for the same, and have had related opportunities come up every now and then, which we kept turning down. I must add here, that my husband has always been a great support for me. He is a very hands-on dad, and we have been able to pull it off pretty well so far. Not sure how much of this will change with a second kid. As far as R2Iing, we don't have any short term plans.
I am looking for inputs from people who were in similar situations in the past. I know nobody can answer the question for me, but I still think, there is an opportunity for me to learn from others' experience. TIA!
One kid or two?
One kid or two?
if you plan to settle down in US and have no relatives here, then having sibling would be good for the kid. It may so happen, you think you don't plan to settle here, but down the line you get stuck, then you may feel why you didn't have a sibling for your kid. If there is relatives, extended family in US with nephews/nieces then it is okay as there is social/family connection. Else a strong social network. I am traditional with indian values so I say this. Other folks may disagree as you can melt into US culture and have good social life too. For me roots where we came from is also important. Also, having two kids is good for the kids to have company. Monetary/career are here for now, but happiness of kids having company is for ever. my 2 cents.
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killbill pandey
- Posts: 20
- Joined: Sat Dec 26, 2015 9:56 am
One kid or two?
anothermom;634854Situation : Two income family with a 4 year old boy, wondering whether to have a second kid.
Dilemma : If we do decide to have a second child, age difference between the two kids may be around 5+ years. Even after reading numerous posts (including some from this very forum), I am not able to make up my mind on whether the 5+ year difference is significant. Also, I am an *extremely* career oriented person, who has been doing a not-so-bad job juggling work and home. I am not sure how the equation will change with a second child.
The first one goes to a private school now. If we have the second child, private school will no longer be an option. I also worry about what will happen if I am not able to cope, and quit my job. At that point, I am worried how a single income family in BAY area, will cope with two kids, and a mrtgage! My husband and I are both in good positions, but we are only individual contributors with no desire to try management, although both of us have the necessary skill-set for the same, and have had related opportunities come up every now and then, which we kept turning down. I must add here, that my husband has always been a great support for me. He is a very hands-on dad, and we have been able to pull it off pretty well so far. Not sure how much of this will change with a second kid.
I am looking for inputs from people who were in similar situations in the past. I know nobody can answer the question for me, but I still think, there is an opportunity here to for me to learn from others' experience. TIA!
I struggled with this decision for a while . We had our second kid when your DD was 6 years old. I was reluctant , mostly worried about managing a busy career/finding help etc . My wife was firm and my parents /in-laws were very supportive of my wife . Can say that our little one was one of the best things that has happened in my life
1. We are enjoying our 2 year old growing up in a much more relaxed fashion as we are not first time parents any more
2. The kids keep themselves busy ,and seem to enjoy each other's company for most part
There are some compromises especially when both parents are working with two kids
1.If you are ambitious by nature and chase a steep career trajectory ,you might have a hard time balancing. I made conscious career compromises and continue to make them. I am not disappointed at all , but some may be . Some people seem to have it all , not sure how they roll, but they do not bother me too much.I am comfortable where I am .
2.Finding help. Not sure of your situation, this continues to be a problem for us.
3. I was always a public school person , and I felt like that was the right choice for my bubbly 8 year old who enjoys school with all her neighborhood friends. But the schools are also good where I live
I do not mean to speak in cliches, but all in all , my kids are the greatest gift life has given me . Career was okay, I realized that my cutting back does not deprive the world of any genius , but if I chose not to , I would have deprived my kids of the attention they deserve .
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anothermom
- Posts: 28
- Joined: Mon Jul 18, 2016 12:06 am
One kid or two?
KillBill, and Indian : Thank you very much for taking the time to post your thoughts, much appreciated. I will post back here my decision soon after I have one. :-)
One kid or two?
anothermom;634881.... I will post back here my decision soon after I have one. :-)
when you are both healthy.... and you had already demonstrated that.... go ahead and have a few more.
There are such a lot of good choices for dressing up a baby girl than a baby boy.
One kid or two?
Things will definitely change with 2 kids, no doubt about that. But good news is that your older kid will already be 5, which means, if you plan it right and work on it from now, he should be able to feed himself and sleep on his own and take care of a few things (like clean up his toys etc) and he might even help you out with the baby, like fetch you stuff from upstairs etc... (may be he already does some of these on his own!)
Well I agree with the previous poster, if you continue to live in US, you might later repent your son not having a sibling. I know a few friends who feel that way. But hey, there is no set formula, you have to decide whats best for your family. I am not sure why you think you will have to quit your job. I had 2 kids, 3 years apart and am raising them and continuing my career. Yes, it does slow down a bit and there might a 4-5 years where job wont be your top priority, but once the kids are a little older, you will have the advantage of staying put in job force and then you can resume your career full throttle. Looks like you have a supportive hubby and in my books that is all it takes to go for the second one. We managed on our own with our second baby even with our first one being just 3. In my experience, second one was much easier than the first. Also, as the baby grows, you wont be spending as much time teaching them, as they pick a lot of stuff from their older siblings. Financially also you might have an advantage, if the first one starts public school, you will only have 1 kid in day care (it was much tougher for us as we had 2 kids in day care of almost 3 years and a hefty mortgage on top)... you will feel the pinch but again its only for a few years ( I am assuming you can do public school for kids, we have both of ours in public school now - good school district though).
If you have the desire for a second one and think its the best thing for your son, then you should go for it. Just adjust your expectations and everything else will fall in place. Remember babies don't stay babies for long, the struggle is mostly 2-3 yrs. Once the kid is out of diapers, you can post another thread here to see what members think about having a 3rd kid ... :p.. two kids or three?
Well I agree with the previous poster, if you continue to live in US, you might later repent your son not having a sibling. I know a few friends who feel that way. But hey, there is no set formula, you have to decide whats best for your family. I am not sure why you think you will have to quit your job. I had 2 kids, 3 years apart and am raising them and continuing my career. Yes, it does slow down a bit and there might a 4-5 years where job wont be your top priority, but once the kids are a little older, you will have the advantage of staying put in job force and then you can resume your career full throttle. Looks like you have a supportive hubby and in my books that is all it takes to go for the second one. We managed on our own with our second baby even with our first one being just 3. In my experience, second one was much easier than the first. Also, as the baby grows, you wont be spending as much time teaching them, as they pick a lot of stuff from their older siblings. Financially also you might have an advantage, if the first one starts public school, you will only have 1 kid in day care (it was much tougher for us as we had 2 kids in day care of almost 3 years and a hefty mortgage on top)... you will feel the pinch but again its only for a few years ( I am assuming you can do public school for kids, we have both of ours in public school now - good school district though).
If you have the desire for a second one and think its the best thing for your son, then you should go for it. Just adjust your expectations and everything else will fall in place. Remember babies don't stay babies for long, the struggle is mostly 2-3 yrs. Once the kid is out of diapers, you can post another thread here to see what members think about having a 3rd kid ... :p.. two kids or three?
One kid or two?
okonomi;634891when you are both healthy.... and you had already demonstrated that.... go ahead and have a few more.
There are such a lot of good choices for dressing up a baby girl than a baby boy.
In India, there used to be some practices which I feel awkward about. I have been girls dressed as boys and boys dressed as girls in their toddler years and until they are like 5-6 years.
One kid or two?
I think the verdict so far is go for 2 and I agree with that. I have seen parents being too protective with one kid. It's also good for kids where they have a companion 24 x 7 which is invaluable, helps them learn to love, share, play, compete and fight. My younger one teaches my elder one to be more tough and giving him a lot of his future life lessons already :-)
But it's definitely more work but your husband is hands on which is a big plus. On a lighter note, be careful with twins or triplets now. There's increasing chance with age.
Some of my older friends wanted to settle for one, but once the first one is around 7, some of them decided to go for the second one as they felt he's getting too lonely. I haven't seen many issues with that age difference, they too fight and play slightly differently but most of the sibling relationship is intact.
But it's definitely more work but your husband is hands on which is a big plus. On a lighter note, be careful with twins or triplets now. There's increasing chance with age.
Some of my older friends wanted to settle for one, but once the first one is around 7, some of them decided to go for the second one as they felt he's getting too lonely. I haven't seen many issues with that age difference, they too fight and play slightly differently but most of the sibling relationship is intact.
One kid or two?
Its said that the you have the first one for yourself(built in genetic programming), and the second one for the sake of the first.
Just to give a contrarian opinion, dont worry too much about the kid not having a sibling. You dont miss something, which you never had in the first place. He may find better solace with friends.
All the factors like juggling extra work, work-life balance, diaper days, all are known to you and is built in your sub-conscience. Think about what you really want.
If you are still unsure, do a coin toss. If you are unhappy with the resulting side of the coin, you want the opposite.
Just to give a contrarian opinion, dont worry too much about the kid not having a sibling. You dont miss something, which you never had in the first place. He may find better solace with friends.
All the factors like juggling extra work, work-life balance, diaper days, all are known to you and is built in your sub-conscience. Think about what you really want.
If you are still unsure, do a coin toss. If you are unhappy with the resulting side of the coin, you want the opposite.
One kid or two?
VS007;634944Its said that the you have the first one for yourself(built in genetic programming), and the second one for the sake of the first.
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BTW, raising the second one is easier than first one.
My wife's first labor is almost 12 hours (induced), second one is hardly 3 hours.
Private school fees are discounted for second one.
In US, it's almost buy one and get second one at 50% off :)