Dilemma: 11 years old kid driving into R2I. Am I on right mindset?

MunnaBhaiNRI · Post by **MunnaBhaiNRI** » Tue Sep 20, 2016 2:30 am

My 11 years old daughter's attitude levels are driving me to move back. Not sure if I am in the right mind set to R2I or not.. she is talking about moving out, own home, working to earn etc...

Background: have been working as an hourly software kooli in CA for the past 16 tears (not a typo) :-)
One (qualified but non working) wife, two daughters(3 & 11).
As my 11 is behaving, I suspect some dark edge down the tunnel, thinking of going back now would be a better option to mitigate future mental stress(about the family).
Spoke to few friends in Hyd, estimated a one lakh/year as expense to run the family with kids study.

Questions: Did anyone think and R2Ied in the past can come and slap me saying "You are thinking wrong". If none, I am otta dilemma and will be in Hyd in next 8 to 10 months.

wd40 · Post by **wd40** » Tue Sep 20, 2016 5:49 am

Feel for you man. In my opinion, Indian style of upbringing doesn't work abroad especially in the US. I keep telling my wife, yet she doesn't listen. My daughter is only 5 yrs old now and we have been living in Singapore since 7 yrs. My wife does the usual Indian parenting style of scolding/beating etc. I don't have much time not interest to teach my daughter. I see problems already with this style of parenting, it is natural for them to become rebellious. Then in US they have peers who are brought up much more liberally, so it creates more angst for them.

Who are your daughter's school mates? In Singapore luckily so far the school has Indian majority and her best friends are indians , so I think that helps a bit.

Sent from my Redmi Note 2 using Tapatalk

DesBhakt · Post by **DesBhakt** » Tue Sep 20, 2016 6:05 am

MunnaBhaiNRI;638227My 11 years old daughter's attitude levels are driving me to move back. Not sure if I am in the right mind set to R2I or not.. she is talking about moving out, own home, working to earn etc...
As my 11 is behaving, I suspect some dark edge down the tunnel, thinking of going back now would be a better option to mitigate future mental stress(about the family).

She is most probably only "parroting" what she heard from others. Isn't she too young to even understand what she is talking about & the implications? [whether positive or negative is another discussion]. Should you take it so seriously?

DISCLAIMER: I don't have any real life experience on this.

GutsyGibbon · Post by **GutsyGibbon** » Tue Sep 20, 2016 7:15 am

A side note: 16 years of tears is a long time. Life is too short.

Value of money:Give your 11yr old a taste of money. Ask her to setup a lemonade stand in front of your garage and have her earn $10. Don't talk too much / lecture a girl who is possibly going through several bio-physical changes. They say things they dont mean and dont understand.

Talk to her teacher and make sure everything is alright there.

Talk to the parents of her best friends to make sure she is in good standing socially.

Be on the same page with your wife in terms of parenting stands.

Read/listen to lectures on teen parenting, positive discipline.

Don't argue about looks, dressing sense, style, hobbies, school stuff. Draw limits and hard lines, but dont argue. That is when they say random things with full intention to get an emotional response. (Wish i was not born, wish i had xyz as parents, etc, etc)

R2I will do little to help with teen issues. Yelling /screaming will yield nothing in US/India.

srinpo · Post by **srinpo** » Tue Sep 20, 2016 11:28 am

MunnaBhaiNRI;638227
Spoke to few friends in Hyd, estimated a one lakh/year as expense to run the family with kids study.

May be a typo. Do you mean /month ?
I think you are too late. Live peacefully with your implicit decision you made long time ago, and accept gracefully the new generation.

okonomi · Post by **okonomi** » Tue Sep 20, 2016 4:24 pm

srinpo;638267May be a typo. Do you mean /month ?
I think you are too late. Live peacefully with your implicit decision you made long time ago, and accept gracefully the new generation.

dearie... that was nicely phrased.

MunnaBhaiNRI · Post by **MunnaBhaiNRI** » Wed Sep 21, 2016 2:16 am

wd40;638248Feel for you man. In my opinion, Indian style of upbringing doesn't work abroad especially in the US. I keep telling my wife, yet she doesn't listen. My daughter is only 5 yrs old now and we have been living in Singapore since 7 yrs. My wife does the usual Indian parenting style of scolding/beating etc. I don't have much time not interest to teach my daughter. I see problems already with this style of parenting, it is natural for them to become rebellious. Then in US they have peers who are brought up much more liberally, so it creates more angst for them.

Who are your daughter's school mates? In Singapore luckily so far the school has Indian majority and her best friends are indians , so I think that helps a bit.

Sent from my Redmi Note 2 using Tapatalk

Thanks for your kind words..
We dont use the typical Indian parenting (beating etc), but some times my spouse use bit louder voice(out of helplessness) that too calculative, to express her anger.

MunnaBhaiNRI · Post by **MunnaBhaiNRI** » Wed Sep 21, 2016 2:20 am

DesBhakt;638249She is most probably only "parroting" what she heard from others. Isn't she too young to even understand what she is talking about & the implications? [whether positive or negative is another discussion]. Should you take it so seriously?

DISCLAIMER: I don't have any real life experience on this.

I guess you are right in *parroting" from her peers around. Agree that she is too young to get these right.. thats exactly my worry. I dont mind if she is mature enough to aloof and show me that she is the brave gurl to do that.
Taking seriously part is out of my observations beyond her. I had another girl(my sibling's kid) that I know, she is 16 and almost out of the house now..(no attachment to their family except her body and belongings present in that house). We are worried to find my kid also even before.

MunnaBhaiNRI · Post by **MunnaBhaiNRI** » Wed Sep 21, 2016 2:23 am

srinpo;638267May be a typo. Do you mean /month ?
I think you are too late. Live peacefully with your implicit decision you made long time ago, and accept gracefully the new generation.

Absolute type.. thanks for catching that. I stand corrected.
I am all there to accept the change and proceed but cant find her failing in the dead wrong position at any time while I am living(especially where I can be the reason). As I said before, I dont mind if she flees right now(or at any time later) and shows me that I am wrong. But she is taking the WRONG in the right time. But I am sure that you have well phrased the fact. :-)

MunnaBhaiNRI · Post by **MunnaBhaiNRI** » Wed Sep 21, 2016 2:35 am

GutsyGibbon;638255A side note: 16 years of tears is a long time. Life is too short.

Value of money:Give your 11yr old a taste of money. Ask her to setup a lemonade stand in front of your garage and have her earn $10. Don't talk too much / lecture a girl who is possibly going through several bio-physical changes. They say things they dont mean and dont understand.

Talk to her teacher and make sure everything is alright there.

Talk to the parents of her best friends to make sure she is in good standing socially.

Be on the same page with your wife in terms of parenting stands.

Read/listen to lectures on teen parenting, positive discipline.

Don't argue about looks, dressing sense, style, hobbies, school stuff. Draw limits and hard lines, but dont argue. That is when they say random things with full intention to get an emotional response. (Wish i was not born, wish i had xyz as parents, etc, etc)

R2I will do little to help with teen issues. Yelling /screaming will yield nothing in US/India.

16 years of tears only to find where we are heading for after that 16 years... I am not happy... (my earned money pile laughs at me if I am not able to show this world an average but useful kids before I die).

Value of money: I liked your idea, will re-try this. I have tried this in the past for a Bake Sale exercise. She has spent around $80(for raw material from Walmart and Target) and sold the items of worth $12. And two other friends of her joined just at the time of sale as PARTNERS and they took their equal share of $4 each off the sale. She announced that she made $4 and as of today, I have explained multiple times that its not that you have made and its your part of total sale. But still she is not trusting me so far. :-) She is good at math, but still..
I will give one more shot of lemonade sale :-)

About talking to the teachers: I have tried this so far, Teacher is experiencing this among many kids and she cant control out of her class. Especially the middle school Teachers are caring about just their class time behavior. I will give one more try.

Peer parents talks are underway. They(if Indians) are almost showing the similar concern)

My wife and myself are ALWAYS on the same page with the kids, if there is anything to discuss, we do it privately but infront of the kids, we show the same concern without any confusion for kids.

Reading/listening parents classes: I am really on this now. Planning to find the local social services offered parents classes. I will definitely go and take them. Good pointer.

You are really taking the real fact of the arguing with them. I did initially argued for few days but lately asked her to respect the place that she is going (School going with respectable dress and styling, Party going with fun and fashioned outfits etc). I made the rule and not even talking about these. So far its hard moving but I guess she eventually finds her way to manage my rules. So far, OK. Yes, she did reply few answers from your answer in brackets.

The last line in your answer is making me to think twice, before full stop. Yelling/Screaming, I am against this. If anything left, I will try to follow your rule above(make rules and let them to make choice).

Overall, I can see that you have good vision on my issue. Thanks for the pointers and tips