When a decision is forced upon you, can you find peace?

crekha · Post by **crekha** » Mon Sep 27, 2010 7:55 pm

Background:
Me: 35 yrs old, have one toddler son 2.5 yrs and pregnant with another baby. Came here in 1997 on F1 visa, got my Masters in Civil, worked for a few years, mostly in NYC, got married, quit job and moved to Houston, got my MBA and have been working as a business analyst for the past 1.5 yrs.

Green card being processed by husband?s company, think it will take 1.5+ yrs to get. Hubby in a good non IT job.

One day we were picking out hardwood flooring for our house, the next we learnt that hubby?s elder brother passed away in India.

Reasons for RTI:

Age of hubby?s father, one more brother with special needs, elder brother?s children. Hubby is now on the phone 24/7 to keep the family business running, cannot sustain this for too long.

My dilemma:

Both hubby and I are in non IT related fields, hubby is Environmental engineer + We need to settle down in Coimbatore = No good job prospects. He plans to work for the family business which may support our additional expenses and find something else to do.

My parents live in the US; my only sibling-brother is here, if I give up my GC processing now, can I ever visit them?

I feel torn, I do understand the need for us to go back, they certainly need us there, but is it going to be at the cost of my family/children? What about them? My career? Am I selfish to think this way?

mn_op · Post by **mn_op** » Mon Sep 27, 2010 8:27 pm

My advise would be to R2I. Yes, it will be a huge sacrifice and you will lose a lot. Don't assume that the decision is forced on you but try finding what best you can do with the situation.

You can accept the situation as a 'sacrifical lamb being led to slaughter' OR 'a queen who needs to take care of her subjects'.

In my limited experience, people who do such sacrifices boldly and without complaints somehow accumulate enormous courage that serves them very well in future.

It seems that you are unsure of your future and possibility of getting stuck in a job of housewife taking care of unending chores of a large joint family. It doesn't have to be so. India does offer a wide variety of things to do...probably much wider than the US.

Another thing that seems to worry you is inability of meeting your parents in the US. I don't think that you will find it so difficult to get visitors visa whenever you are seeking an extended vacation.

So cheer up and enjoy your journey to India.
All the best.

Mumbai_2009 · Post by **Mumbai_2009** » Mon Sep 27, 2010 8:37 pm

Is it possible to train someone on business front and your DH oversee it from USA with frequent trips to India as needed?
If I were in your shoes, I would had probably looked into that option. Its kinda bit too much to wrap up a set life in USA and be back in India if my parents+ siblings are in USA. Both set of parents at one place is an easy decision.
For special needs a nurse can be kept. would your co-sister step up to take care of her kids financially and managing business?
Its a tough situation. Good Luck!

cyberabadi · Post by **cyberabadi** » Mon Sep 27, 2010 8:47 pm

crekha;333788
I feel torn, I do understand the need for us to go back, they certainly need us there, but is it going to be at the cost of my family/children? What about them? My career? Am I selfish to think this way?

Have you considered staying back in the US with Kids while the husband shuttles between the US and India?This is a viable solution until things fall in place. And the wife has support of her parents who can movein and live with her while the husband is away.

Once, things slow down and people get moving, husband and wife can make a more informed decision.

Major drawback, kids will miss their father and the wife her husband.

crekha · Post by **crekha** » Mon Sep 27, 2010 8:50 pm

I suggested that to my husband as an alternative to consider, but he was not very happy with it. My co sister is not that educated and has no interest in the business, she is waiting ofr us to go there and take care of the kids as well, w.r.t. their educations, guidance etc.

While I do agree that having a positive attitude helps, It is getting very tough for me to keep a stiff upper lip and take this in my stride. I do feel that I have to give up everything I have personally worked for. Needless to say, i will follow my hesband wherever he goes, but it is tough for me to accept this as "my" decision.

Also, i have heard that once you apply for a immigrant visa, you can be denied a visitor's visa on those grounds? I am also not sure if I agree that Coimbatore will have a lot of opportunities for me.

Sarkar07 · Post by **Sarkar07** » Mon Sep 27, 2010 8:53 pm

Rekha, your concerns are natural and you are not being selfish or anything by worrying about your career, kids, and parents. Life throws curveballs at you and one can't question "why did this happen". The only thing one can do is accept the situation and plan ahead.

IMO, what works in times of such potentially conflicting moments is i) a calm mind that has accepted the problem at hand and ii) honest communication with those involved. For achieving i) I like to sleep over the issue till the initial anxieties and emotions have calmed down. For some other things work. Figure out what works for you.

Then figure out a way to discuss your concerns with your husband. You know your husband best. Is he the kind that will mis-understand your concerns or will give you a patient hearing? (rhetorical). See what he says about your career concerns, GC concerns or children's future. Chances are he is also torn about those issues but cannot afford to think of them right now.Most probably you will end up going back to India as the situation for your husband seems really tough, but also make him see your side (may be remind him, if required, how he would feel if you were in his place and he had to drop everything and move). Of course the important thing in all this is to achieve a honest communication without him or you ending up feeling that the spouse is not supportive. You know your and your husband's nature best. So decide how and when you want to talk about it.

Once he has understood your concerns and you guys have come up with a plan to assuage the concerns, you might feel better about the situation. It is a tough situation to be in. Hope you find a way. All the best.

M V · Post by **M V** » Mon Sep 27, 2010 8:53 pm

crekha;333788...I feel torn, I do understand the need for us to go back, they certainly need us there, but is it going to be at the cost of my family/children? What about them? My career? Am I selfish to think this way?

No, it is not selfish to think this way. It is natural and required that we first take care of ourselves before thinking about others.

It is definitely a tough situation to be in, and wish you the best.

Do you kind of know what you are looking for in the responses here?
- General views on the situation.
- How to avoid such an R2I
- How to make such an R2I as successful as possible
- What would readers do in same situation?

Is the R2I decision already made or are the pros and cons and other alternatives still being discussed?

Only food for thought, you don't have to respond.

------
It is a tough time for your husband, and he needs emotional support. You are in the position of providing that support and being there for him while also looking at a totally modified future for yourself and children. So, he will get the support from you, but you are most likely going to have to rely on yourself and don't expect much from him right now.

Try to be calm when discussing the topic. Based on the dynamics in your house, you may want to keep an eye on how involved your parents and sibling get in this thing, as that could tick off your husband.

When things are a bit peaceful, you could ask your husband what if situation was reversed? What would he do.

vsudhu · Post by **vsudhu** » Mon Sep 27, 2010 9:04 pm

Your questions are perfectly valid and I have to say it is difficult to find peace , when a decision is thrust upon you.

I would rather give financial support and try to arrange additional supports for day to day needs and visit India multiple times, rather than uprooting from US.

Everybody has got their own lives to live.

You have to say 'bad luck' , try to do your best under the circumstances and move on with your life.

Vivekananda · Post by **Vivekananda** » Mon Sep 27, 2010 9:05 pm

I find very few women that can contemplate what you are considering. So, you are not being selfish. Yes, you can be torn. There is a lot of change here. It appears that you have done a lot in the years spent in the USA, and have been able to handle change. Your husband has taken over the leadership of the family. This part will not change whether one supports him or not. Hence, I think it will benefit all families if he is strengthened by your support, and leadership.

With your MBA, engineering, and business analysis experience, you can settle in, and build a business. You can help the family business grow.

Best wishes.

Mumbai_2009 · Post by **Mumbai_2009** » Mon Sep 27, 2010 9:28 pm

crekha;333806I suggested that to my husband as an alternative to consider, but he was not very happy with it. My co sister is not that educated and has no interest in the business, she is waiting ofr us to go there and take care of the kids as well, w.r.t. their educations, guidance etc.

Inshort, she depended on her husband and now depending on your husband? You guys have to help her in making her financially/emotionally independent. Wrapping everything back in USA, moving to India would make her more dependent. One has to change per circumstances (easier said than done but atleast one can try).Frequent trips to India might help her in emotional support.

crekha;333806
While I do agree that having a positive attitude helps, It is getting very tough for me to keep a stiff upper lip and take this in my stride. I do feel that I have to give up everything I have personally worked for. Needless to say, i will follow my hesband wherever he goes, but it is tough for me to accept this as "my" decision.

I agree it is not atall easy. Emotional decisions can't be sustained for long IMO. You need to be sold on on the idea of moving back to India otherwise they stay might be not very fulfilling from your end. Did you and DH talked about options of you not wanting to move back? If your DH move back to India to settle things there would you be able to maange on your own in USA with 2 kids? Would your parents/sibling help? Are you dependent on your DH for GC processing?

IMO, it makes sense to get your GC and then move back to India so who can come back to USA as and when needed rather than getting entangled in the VISA web. It is just matter of couple of years.