R2I dilemma

neha · Post by **neha** » Mon Mar 10, 2008 3:17 am

We are not able to decide if we want to R2I or stay here in the US for the rest of our life. We love staying here in the US, but our single most concern is that our kids will grow up very differently(less attachment to parents, too independent and stubborn, less emotional , may marry an american etc).

Are we being too paranoid of our kids growing up differently? Are there any examples of kids who have grown up here and who still have attachments to their parents?

Any info will help.

Thanks.

layman · Post by **layman** » Mon Mar 10, 2008 6:11 am

There were some discussions in similar lines earlier in various threads. Check
http://www.r2iclubforums.com/clubvb/showpost.php?p=16585&postcount=56

http://www.r2iclubforums.com/clubvb/showpost.php?p=17912&postcount=85

dheeraj_handa · Post by **dheeraj_handa** » Tue Mar 11, 2008 12:27 am

neha;87455We are not able to decide if we want to R2I or stay here in the US for the rest of our life. We love staying here in the US, but our single most concern is that our kids will grow up very differently(less attachment to parents, too independent and stubborn, less emotional , may marry an american etc).

Are we being too paranoid of our kids growing up differently? Are there any examples of kids who have grown up here and who still have attachments to their parents?

Any info will help.

Thanks.

There is no place where one can only get advantages, every choice has its set of advantages and disadvantages, when we think of staying in US for rest of lives we cannot expect to get best of both worlds, be rest assured if you live in US for ever your kids will never become as emotional as kids usually are who live with their parents in India, the reason being culture, in India the culture supports emotions, here it does not, you will have kids who are more independent, they will take decisions on their own mostly and not listen easily , when they grow up they will just be like other American kids, I have seen this myself, I know someone who has a Son and daughter grown ups they have nothing Indian in them, they cannot communicate in Hindi, on emotional front too you cannot communicate with them, its tough. it depends also on how u bring them up, at times u can have indian values embedded in them but that too would be tough for them , they cannot live a dual identity , that they are indian at home and american outside. so to answer your question yes u are right most of the times kids who will grow up here will not have that level of attachment as we would otherwise expect.

Old-Spice2 · Post by **Old-Spice2** » Tue Mar 11, 2008 5:25 am

#1
Send your kids to India to grow up with grandparents/relatives. This can be done once they are 6th grade and above. Other option is boarding school in India. There is no other choice. They have to grow up in Indian environment to be like what you wish.

layman · Post by **layman** » Tue Mar 11, 2008 8:16 am

neha;87455We are not able to decide if we want to R2I or stay here in the US for the rest of our life. We love staying here in the US, but our single most concern is that our kids will grow up very differently(less attachment to parents, too independent and stubborn, less emotional , may marry an american etc).

Are we being too paranoid of our kids growing up differently? Are there any examples of kids who have grown up here and who still have attachments to their parents?

Any info will help.

Thanks.[/quote]
Well, I can take a critique position for your post just for the sake of it, if you don't mind.
neha;87455less attachment to parents, too independent and stubborn, less emotional , may marry an american etc.
[/quote]
What is wrong in all this?
====less attachment to parents ======
In India I have seen so many kids that are so attached to their parents and become enemies to parents once they get married because they become so attached to their spouse after marriage. How can we say that is not possible in India?

===== too independent and stubborn ====
What is wrong in this? If you see all sucessful personalities in this world invariably they have this quality. Warren Buffet married a servant because he was stubborn in marrying her. His children aren't that happy about the treatment they get from their father. Neither was his first wife happy in all matters even though the media portrays differently. What about Steve Jobs, Donald Trump... ? Even in India if you move up the societal ladder from middle class to upper strata of society, you will come into contact with people that are less accommodative and stubborn in what they want to do. Listen to Ram Jethmalani or Rahul Bajaj a few times and you'll understand.

======= less emotional ========
This is an interesting topic. Recently, I saw a Tamil movie where the hero cuts his tongue for his love and in old movies I have gone to the theaters and cried from the beginning to end of the movie. One of my relative committed suicide because he fell in love with some one in another community which was approved by neither community and he felt very emotional about his love. These things are not uncommon in India.

===== may marry an american ====
So?...
Is the Indian race pure? Isn't it mixed with the Aryan race?

Are there any examples of kids who have grown up here and who still have attachments to their parents?
There are examples in India where kids are not attached to their parents.

dheeraj_handa · Post by **dheeraj_handa** » Tue Mar 11, 2008 8:22 pm

layman;87738Well, I can take a critique position for your post just for the sake of it, if you don't mind.

What is wrong in all this?
====less attachment to parents ======
In India I have seen so many kids that are so attached to their parents and become enemies to parents once they get married because they become so attached to their spouse after marriage. How can we say that is not possible in India?

===== too independent and stubborn ====
What is wrong in this? If you see all sucessful personalities in this world invariably they have this quality. Warren Buffet married a servant because he was stubborn in marrying her. His children aren't that happy about the treatment they get from their father. Neither was his first wife happy in all matters even though the media portrays differently. What about Steve Jobs, Donald Trump... ? Even in India if you move up the societal ladder from middle class to upper strata of society, you will come into contact with people that are less accommodative and stubborn in what they want to do. Listen to Ram Jethmalani or Rahul Bajaj a few times and you'll understand.

======= less emotional ========
This is an interesting topic. Recently, I saw a Tamil movie where the hero cuts his tongue for his love and in old movies I have gone to the theaters and cried from the beginning to end of the movie. One of my relative committed suicide because his love with another community was not approved by either community and he felt very emotional about his love. These things are not uncommon in India.

===== may marry an american ====
So?...
Is the Indian race pure? Isn't it mixed with the Aryan race?

Are there any examples of kids who have grown up here and who still have attachments to their parents?
There are examples in India where kids are not attached to their parents.

Layman some of your points are very well said, however some are little difficult , just because Indian race is mix does not mean that it is same as Marrying an American who has no indian values at all. If an American(white) is born in US but brought up in India there is no harm in marrying that person as he would have all Indian values embedded provided the family in which he is brought up I mean parents have values too. There are eg in India where Parents dont themselves have values so their children too are spolit in India, everyone nowadays is behind money and fame so values are going to take back seat, But to argue on emotions India will always be more emotional than America, there is no doubt(of course there are exceptions), Indians who will be brought up in US would not be as emotional as Indians kids , i know so many people in India who are so much attached to their parents, they have sacrificed US career everything for them , but i dont see that happening in US

mk2007 · Post by **mk2007** » Tue Mar 11, 2008 9:36 pm

less attachment to parents, too independent and stubborn, less emotional , may marry an american etc
For each of the above I can give you an antitheisis to this in US and cases to go with what you have to say in India.

Things have changed so much in India. Materialism and flashy lifestyle has caughtup. Everyone is in the rut of making money. Just like elsewhere family has little time for each other here too.

Daybefore yesterday the front headline was that family disowns son who is parapelegic. This guy meets with car accident in US and is a burden on US economy so is shifted to a big named hospital in India on the government funds and when time came for family (mother and brother) they don't even bother coming and meeting him... he is a burden on the family too..now he is shifted to a sort of hospice. Cases like these are an everyday thing. Children killing parents for money / inheritance.
More and more elite class folks into all kinds of drugs, crime etc.
"Call centre money " "too much money in pockets before even having maturity of thought" leading middle class kids into all kinds of things.

What culture are we talking about? Parents in India too are struggling to give their children a sense of balance and in the end hope they will emerge better.

On this side of the fence:
I have many cousins who were either born in US or migrated to US when they were just mere toddlers. Most of them did okay given one or two.
In fact a friend of mine and her sister are two girls they and their parents migrated 2 decades ago. Older one married a German and my friend married a IITian from same community as hers. The Indian husband treats her like trash and the German guy not only treats his wife preciously also he built a in laws house of his in laws and let them stay with them. His kids though young today have imbibed best of both cultures.

My cousin may not live life of an Indian making upma vada etc everyday however, their thought process in not entirely Indian either. They are not very comfortable when they have to come and live in India for a longer than 3 weeks. Yet their care for their parents, keeping in touch with all their verry much Indian cousins and being comfortable around them, and celebrating couple of Indian festivals with the same fervor and devotion as Christmas and Thanksgiving, tells me that they are lot more Indian than any Indian can be.

Environment does matter maybe by moving into an all Indian community area with lot more Indian activities to participate and more Indian group to mingle with WITHIN US will preserve the Indianness rather than moving to India.

ALSO you as parents must be able to Identify with the lifestyle in India if not it will end up just being a sacrifice which has a 50 50 chance of working out.

Just my 2 cents.
MK

neha;87455We are not able to decide if we want to R2I or stay here in the US for the rest of our life. We love staying here in the US, but our single most concern is that our kids will grow up very differently(less attachment to parents, too independent and stubborn, less emotional , may marry an american etc).
Are we being too paranoid of our kids growing up differently? Are there any examples of kids who have grown up here and who still have attachments to their parents?

Any info will help.

Thanks.[/quote]

taan ta taan · Post by **taan ta taan** » Tue Mar 11, 2008 9:44 pm

deleted!!!

taan ta taan · Post by **taan ta taan** » Tue Mar 11, 2008 9:45 pm

layman;87738Well, I can take a critique position for your post just for the sake of it, if you don't mind.

What is wrong in all this?
====less attachment to parents ======
In India I have seen so many kids that are so attached to their parents and become enemies to parents once they get married because they become so attached to their spouse after marriage. How can we say that is not possible in India?

===== too independent and stubborn ====
What is wrong in this? If you see all sucessful personalities in this world invariably they have this quality. Warren Buffet married a servant because he was stubborn in marrying her. His children aren't that happy about the treatment they get from their father. Neither was his first wife happy in all matters even though the media portrays differently. What about Steve Jobs, Donald Trump... ? Even in India if you move up the societal ladder from middle class to upper strata of society, you will come into contact with people that are less accommodative and stubborn in what they want to do. Listen to Ram Jethmalani or Rahul Bajaj a few times and you'll understand.

======= less emotional ========
This is an interesting topic. Recently, I saw a Tamil movie where the hero cuts his tongue for his love and in old movies I have gone to the theaters and cried from the beginning to end of the movie. One of my relative committed suicide because his love with another community was not approved by either community and he felt very emotional about his love. These things are not uncommon in India.

===== may marry an american ====
So?...
Is the Indian race pure? Isn't it mixed with the Aryan race?

Are there any examples of kids who have grown up here and who still have attachments to their parents?
There are examples in India where kids are not attached to their parents.[/quote]

layman,
Above things would have happened I am not denying that. But overall this is nothing but scaremongering.
If some one has turned against his parents in India doesn’t mean that every one has turned against parents and if some one got emotional and committed suicide doesn’t mean that every Indian get too emotional and commit suicide when love marriage is not successful. (Or may be, he is better than some one in US who loved and lived with partner and ditched her! )

Similarly it applies to some one grown up in US. We can’t compare like this either.

Above some extreme instances projected. Kids can leave parents in US as well.

You have come to US for financial stability, once you have achieved it think whether you want to continue to live for materialistic comfort OR you want mix of materialistic comfort, belongingness, your own culture, your land etc.?

finally, oh yes... problems are there everywhere! you are in US doesn't mean that you are fully protected or you are 100% peaceful. are you?

raj_2001_2001 · Post by **raj_2001_2001** » Tue Mar 11, 2008 11:42 pm

mk2007;87844I have many cousins who were either born in US or migrated to US when they were just mere toddlers. Most of them did okay given one or two.
In fact a friend of mine and her sister are two girls they and their parents migrated 2 decades ago. Older one married a German and my friend married a IITian from same community as hers. The Indian husband treats her like trash and the German guy not only treats his wife preciously also he built a in laws house of his in laws and let them stay with them. His kids though young today have imbibed best of both cultures.

My cousin may not live life of an Indian making upma vada etc everyday however, their thought process in not entirely Indian either. They are not very comfortable when they have to come and live in India for a longer than 3 weeks. Yet their care for their parents, keeping in touch with all their verry much Indian cousins and being comfortable around them, and celebrating couple of Indian festivals with the same fervor and devotion as Christmas and Thanksgiving, tells me that they are lot more Indian than any Indian can be.

Environment does matter maybe by moving into an all Indian community area with lot more Indian activities to participate and more Indian group to mingle with WITHIN US will preserve the Indianness rather than moving to India.

ALSO you as parents must be able to Identify with the lifestyle in India if not it will end up just being a sacrifice which has a 50 50 chance of working out.

Just my 2 cents.
MK[/quote]

Good for your Cousin ....

I have two cousins, both independent, both broad minded, both successful, both married to Americans, both got divorsed, both don't have close relationship with parents other than few get togethers,usual thanksgiving, christmas, mothers day.

Parents are now old and had nothing to do in US, did not want to end up in old age homes so they moved back to India. When I tell them that We (me & wife) coming back so that we can be close to our parents they wish they had done the same when they were young. They spend their whole life to give a better life to their kids and now they feel sad they dont get to spend time with their kids and grand kids.

I agree that both US & India have +ves & -ves, Depends on what you want. But if You want your kids to be Indian and just like you then it is very difficult to do it in USA.

Just ask your kid what is more exciting, Diwali or Halloween?? You will get the answer.