Parents interference in life - affecting R2I Plans

[konfuseddesiboy]

really good forum here and now my situation.
i have been here in amerika for nearly 5 years and planning to return ( i am married no kids)
few weeks ago my parents came here and and visited and left.
but there was quiet a revelation as to what they expect etc from my wife etc as far as playing a role of a wife!!!
one particular one was that fact that my parents didnt like a bit that i was involved inthe kitchen!! yes!
i would help my wife with cutting/chopping/washing etc... i just like doing it...

but parents seem to have spun it as oh your wife makes you do all this!!
waah!

there were several other such comments. and now i am wondering why do folks in India go beyond their limit and push their ideas into son/wife/family?
why do they cross their limits.

Plus is it that all (almost all desi men) NEVER care to enter the kitchen and rather be armchair fellas sit and watch tv and those whoare active are labeled juroon ke gulam?

seems like life in india for with liberated ideas will be hell?

AM i KONFUSED here?:o

[mn_op]

but parents seem to have spun it as oh your wife makes you do all this!!
waah!

Plus is it that all (almost all desi men) NEVER care to enter the kitchen and rather be armchair fellas sit and watch tv and those whoare active are labeled juroon ke gulam?

seems like life in india for with liberated ideas will be hell?

AM i KONFUSED here?:o

A typical desi couple in the US, goes to grocery shopping together, they cook together, wives take husbands advise on 'female hyguine products', husbands and wives spend a lot of time with each other and know a lot about each other.....sometimes a little too much.

Now compare this with our parents lives where husband would buy the vegetables and groceries and the wife would cook them. Husband would work and bring home money and wife would tend to children. Husband would find his own friends and wife would find her own without knowledge of each other. A clear demarkation of roles. Such demarkation becomes essential when there are 3 children to raise and plenty of relatives and in-laws to tolerate.

In India due to larger social interaction, husbands and wives can lead lives relatively independent of each other and hence our older generation will find it hard to accept when they see husband in the kitchen and wife driving car and intruding into each others lives beyond what they consider acceptable.

This become even more unacceptable if you as a adult child did absolutely nothing in the kitchen when your mom toiled in there.
If you had regulalry cooked for your mom then she wouldn't have had any objection when you cooked for the wife otherwise she is going to carry the grudge...not her fault.

I do not know how it is any impediment in R2I....unless you are going to make role reversals a public event. I don't think that Indian urban people really care what their neighbor does.
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added later: I regularly do the dishes and cook often...and I let my wife cart me around...however, we retreat to Indian model family when we have company. I intend to follow the same style after R2I.

[oasis138]

really good forum here and now my situation.
i have been here in amerika for nearly 5 years and planning to return ( i am married no kids)
few weeks ago my parents came here and and visited and left.
but there was quiet a revelation as to what they expect etc from my wife etc as far as playing a role of a wife!!!
one particular one was that fact that my parents didnt like a bit that i was involved inthe kitchen!! yes!
i would help my wife with cutting/chopping/washing etc... i just like doing it...

but parents seem to have spun it as oh your wife makes you do all this!!
waah!

there were several other such comments. and now i am wondering why do folks in India go beyond their limit and push their ideas into son/wife/family?
why do they cross their limits.

Plus is it that all (almost all desi men) NEVER care to enter the kitchen and rather be armchair fellas sit and watch tv and those whoare active are labeled juroon ke gulam?

seems like life in india for with liberated ideas will be hell?

AM i KONFUSED here?:o

In India you have maids, cooks etc who take care of cutting veggies..washing dishes etc...here most of us cannot afford such luxuries..plus once you go back to India and spend hours stuck in traffic the last thing on your mind when you get home would be to help your wife out....US allows us to enjoy a very balanced picture of life...something i doubt youll get when u r2i.

[lsk]

but there was quiet a revelation as to what they expect etc from my wife etc as far as playing a role of a wife!!!

why do folks in India go beyond their limit and push their ideas into son/wife/family?

why do they cross their limits.

Three things:
+ Life in America changes you in some ways. Wish for privacy, personal space, etc are some ways. Your parents do not know about it: they still think you are the same as before. So, it is your job to educate them: there is no way around it. Earlier done the better.
+ Do not expect an ideal life post R2I wherein everybody loves everybody else. If it happens, it is a bonus.
+ More people involved in anything, much less living together, means more opinions and thus more potential for conflicts. So, it is a given that you will face some "expert" opinions on how you should live your life, etc.

There are some steps you can take w.r.t. this issue:
+ Post-R2I, give it some time to lose the American ways and adjust to Indian ways.
+ Live separately: many of my friends have moved closer to work :wink. Especially, if wife also works, then some problems are lessened and some new ones come out.
+ Introduce people (friends, co-workers, etc) who live the life you like. This will reduce the edge off of the expert opinions.

Recognize that personal space is not a very well known concept in India, especially among close family. It has good points as well as bad. Whether it is an absolute blocker for your R2I only you can decide, but in general, it is not.

[Desi]

really good forum here and now my situation.
i have been here in amerika for nearly 5 years and planning to return ( i am married no kids)
few weeks ago my parents came here and and visited and left.
but there was quiet a revelation as to what they expect etc from my wife etc as far as playing a role of a wife!!!
one particular one was that fact that my parents didnt like a bit that i was involved inthe kitchen!! yes!
i would help my wife with cutting/chopping/washing etc... i just like doing it...

but parents seem to have spun it as oh your wife makes you do all this!!
waah!

there were several other such comments. and now i am wondering why do folks in India go beyond their limit and push their ideas into son/wife/family?
why do they cross their limits.

People cross these limits with those people who let them.

Plus is it that all (almost all desi men) NEVER care to enter the kitchen and rather be armchair fellas sit and watch tv and those whoare active are labeled juroon ke gulam?

You have a lot to learn and observe.

seems like life in india for with liberated ideas will be hell?

I don't think so and also btw, chopping vegetables and cooking isn't liberation.

And finally, if the comments from parents have made you confused enough to reconsider R2I, you are in the right forum. You should connect with member R2I2010Final and Codexone or read their posts, you might change your mind soon.

And now for a bit of serious advice, You are not a child and neither is your wife, assert yourself as a couple - you should explain to your parents your views on "being liberated" and how things are going to be between you and your wife and that that is how you two want it and you resent non constructive interference.

[RRK]

#1, OP,

I think you should take time to explain how you lead your life to your parents and tell them it should not be their concern as long as you and your wife are happy. Like Desi said, people cross the line with those who let them.

You have to draw a line. Dont blame all Indians for how your parents treated you.

[Journeywoman]

Learn to stand up to your parents and tell them it's none of their business. This isn't just an R2I problem; it's a problem for life. Times have changed even in India, and I know plenty of men who cook, look after the children and clean without being labelled "joru ka ghulam."

Does your wife go to the bank, help with paperwork and do all the things which are traditionally the preserve of men? If so, then why can't you cook? Will your parents expect that you will not help with the children once they arrive? If so, your wife is going to be miserable. That old model of child-rearing where the father does absolutely nothing does not work these days.

I really don't understand why grown men still look to their parents for approval.

[gujju]

People cross these limits with those people who let them.
You have a lot to learn and observe.

I don't think so and also btw, chopping vegetables and cooking isn't liberation.

And finally, if the comments from parents have made you confused enough to reconsider R2I, you are in the right forum. You should connect with member R2I2010Final and Codexone or read their posts, you might change your mind soon.

And now for a bit of serious advice, You are not a child and neither is your wife, assert yourself as a couple - you should explain to your parents your views on "being liberated" and how things are going to be between you and your wife and that that is how you two want it and you resent non constructive interference.

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[gujju]

I really don't understand why grown men still look to their parents for approval.

one can always have more wives, legal and illegal.

one can always have more children, legal and illegal.

one will never be able to have more parents, legal OR illegal.

"Pitru devo bhava, Matru devo bhava."

[AriJay]

Learn to stand up to your parents and tell them it's none of their business. This isn't just an R2I problem; it's a problem for life. Times have changed even in India, and I know plenty of men who cook, look after the children and clean without being labelled "joru ka ghulam."

Does your wife go to the bank, help with paperwork and do all the things which are traditionally the preserve of men? If so, then why can't you cook? Will your parents expect that you will not help with the children once they arrive? If so, your wife is going to be miserable. That old model of child-rearing where the father does absolutely nothing does not work these days.

I really don't understand why grown men still look to their parents for approval.

Why to create friction? His parents are seeing something different in him. That makes them to think like this.

Before the IT era, it is hard to acknowledge the boss or manger by name. Everyone thought it was disrespect. But now the entire thing has been changed. Women working late night (second shift) have become casual now, which was rare thing before.

The Indian society has changed its view about divorce. It has not been viewed in the same manner as it was viewed before.

It takes time for everyone to understand.