Hello,
My situation is little special, and would help to get a perspective of others on it.
In US for 11 years - all family USC (me, wife + 2 kids).
My 6 yr old son has special needs / delays for which he gets special services from school district here in the US. He is expected to be delayed and need some level of help over the long-term. He doesn't speak much and feeding is a problem. We have no family/relatives in the US.
Due to doctor's negligence of my son that caused his condition at birth, we have received about $1M for my son's condition, that's now sitting in a trust fund for him.
I personally want to r2i, since I won't prefer to live here all life, but wife doesn't agree. She says there's no reliable care/schooling for my kid in India, compared to US, so its a big no no for her at this time.
My thoughts are long-term what will happen when we're gone, who will take care of my child, where will he live? In india, if he has to live under some supervision, he can at least be watched over by some family (even if occasionally). Here's there's no one at all. I have researched the schooling etc that exists in India, of course they are not as good as in the US. But for long-term living, I don't know how it compares. Also, the money could go much longer towards fulfilling his needs and quality of life in india. Also, being in India, we will have more family around and its going to be more enjoyable for him overall since he doesn't have any company here (other than going to school).
The point is if we do eventually decide to r2i later, it will then be harder for my son to adjust over there.
Its a tricky situation, and I'm in a fix. I'm not even bringing up again to DW (last we discussed was couple months ago) since I understand where she's coming from too, and she's not wrong.
Any insights from folks would help..
Special situation - r2i dilemma
Special situation - r2i dilemma
Sorry to hear about your son's situation and condition.
Ask yourself these questions w.r.t. stay in US:
1. Is he being taken well care currently in US?
2. Are you both happy and satisfied with the care that is being given to him currently in US?
3. You said there is $1M for your son in trust fund, does it mean that any current expenses for his medical condition coming out of this fund? If so, do you think $1M will be sufficient enough in the longer run?
4. Is his condition curable at some point of time in future or it's a life-long problem for your son?
If answers to #1, #2, #3 is YES and #4 is NO then you can probably continue to stay in US, if answer to #4 is YES then ask yourself these questions w.r.t. living in India.
1. Do you have a well nit family/relatives from both of your sides in India?
2. Did you find out if for your son same medical treatment is available in India?
3. Do you both feel internally that your son will be taken care well in India (looks like here your wife is not in total agreement to you to move back to India).
4. Would you both feel happy to be back to India, as atleast in India you have more family support
If answers to #1 to #4 is YES then you should consider R2Iing.
My 2 cents worth advice...
Ask yourself these questions w.r.t. stay in US:
1. Is he being taken well care currently in US?
2. Are you both happy and satisfied with the care that is being given to him currently in US?
3. You said there is $1M for your son in trust fund, does it mean that any current expenses for his medical condition coming out of this fund? If so, do you think $1M will be sufficient enough in the longer run?
4. Is his condition curable at some point of time in future or it's a life-long problem for your son?
If answers to #1, #2, #3 is YES and #4 is NO then you can probably continue to stay in US, if answer to #4 is YES then ask yourself these questions w.r.t. living in India.
1. Do you have a well nit family/relatives from both of your sides in India?
2. Did you find out if for your son same medical treatment is available in India?
3. Do you both feel internally that your son will be taken care well in India (looks like here your wife is not in total agreement to you to move back to India).
4. Would you both feel happy to be back to India, as atleast in India you have more family support
If answers to #1 to #4 is YES then you should consider R2Iing.
My 2 cents worth advice...
membersince2007;302806Hello,
My situation is little special, and would help to get a perspective of others on it.
In US for 11 years - all family USC (me, wife + 2 kids).
My 6 yr old son has special needs / delays for which he gets special services from school district here in the US. He is expected to be delayed and need some level of help over the long-term. He doesn't speak much and feeding is a problem. We have no family/relatives in the US.
Due to doctor's negligence of my son that caused his condition at birth, we have received about $1M for my son's condition, that's now sitting in a trust fund for him.
I personally want to r2i, since I won't prefer to live here all life, but wife doesn't agree. She says there's no reliable care/schooling for my kid in India, compared to US, so its a big no no for her at this time.
My thoughts are long-term what will happen when we're gone, who will take care of my child, where will he live? In india, if he has to live under some supervision, he can at least be watched over by some family (even if occasionally). Here's there's no one at all. I have researched the schooling etc that exists in India, of course they are not as good as in the US. But for long-term living, I don't know how it compares. Also, the money could go much longer towards fulfilling his needs and quality of life in india. Also, being in India, we will have more family around and its going to be more enjoyable for him overall since he doesn't have any company here (other than going to school).
The point is if we do eventually decide to r2i later, it will then be harder for my son to adjust over there.
Its a tricky situation, and I'm in a fix. I'm not even bringing up again to DW (last we discussed was couple months ago) since I understand where she's coming from too, and she's not wrong.
Any insights from folks would help..
-
membersince2007
- Posts: 9
- Joined: Thu Jan 07, 2010 8:33 pm
Special situation - r2i dilemma
back2desh;302826Sorry to hear about your son's situation and condition.
Ask yourself these questions w.r.t. stay in US:
1. Is he being taken well care currently in US? Currently, in terms of schooling yes
2. Are you both happy and satisfied with the care that is being given to him currently in US? Yes, schoolingwise
3. You said there is $1M for your son in trust fund, does it mean that any current expenses for his medical condition coming out of this fund? If so, do you think $1M will be sufficient enough in the longer run? Maybe, maybe not. The point is its much more likely to be sufficient in india than in US, given medical expenses are so high.
4. Is his condition curable at some point of time in future or it's a life-long problem for your son? Likely not curable. That's why I mentioned, he would probably need help for life per doctors' reports etc. He can walk, run play etc. but very limited talking.
If answers to #1, #2, #3 is YES and #4 is NO then you can probably continue to stay in US, if answer to #4 is YES then ask yourself these questions w.r.t. living in India.
1. Do you have a well nit family/relatives from both of your sides in India? Yes, a limited family to call "well knit", but yes.
2. Did you find out if for your son same medical treatment is available in India? There's no treatment per se. All needs to be done is on-going therapy, practice, plays etc. to encourage and develop as much skills as possible
3. Do you both feel internally that your son will be taken care well in India (looks like here your wife is not in total agreement to you to move back to India). Right now, in terms of schooling - No.
US is better I think. US has education laws etc. that provide all inclusive education. But long term for his adult life, it will be pretty much similar. In US, he maybe in a facility. In India, he could be at home also forever and maids etc can be hired to manage his needs. In that respect, I don't see how US would benefit a lot.
4. Would you both feel happy to be back to India, as atleast in India you have more family support
Yes, in general, outside of this situation we would be happy back in India with family etc.
If answers to #1 to #4 is YES then you should consider R2Iing.
My 2 cents worth advice...
Thanks for your tips. I have noted my responses within your original quote underlined.
The point is over long-term, he maybe more cared for and enjoy in india, being with family instead of just two of us. Treatment-wise, there's really not much to be done, most we need to really do is therapies (Especially speech), that can be purchased anywhere.
Advantage in US is, schooling system is proper here for now. In India, there's no real regulation on this, so we need to find something ourselves for him in terms of school.
Other advantage is Medicaid etc. would be available to him, but again he generally needs only speech "practice"/ therapies at the present time.
Special situation - r2i dilemma
membersince2007;302859The point is over long-term, he maybe more cared for and enjoy in india, being with family instead of just two of us. Treatment-wise, there's really not much to be done, most we need to really do is therapies (Especially speech), that can be purchased anywhere.
One point that you need to keep in mind.
He will be dependent for the rest of his life. As you believe, he will have more care in India, being with family, is probably true. Howver, are you confident of that once you are gone. Will there be someone who will care enough (not equally but enough) to look after him.
In usa, in the current environment and regulations, he will be looked after even if not loved, but looked after, yes. Ther is no guarantee of that in India.
One does not know what the future holds and situation inIndia may improve, but the current situation is different.
I have a cousin who had adopted a child that turned out to have some cerebral defect, now they are worried as hell about who will look after him when they are gone.
Special situation - r2i dilemma
Dear OP,
Sorry for what happened with your son. We wish courage that is needed to make best of life even in adverse condition.
It is easy to understand both your and your wife's concern.
While you clarified that he can walk and run fine, Can he understand and ask for what he needs like food etc (Even if it needs some body's help). That would be key question.Even with some delays, is it expected that his communication abilities would be good enough to manage his own needs? Sorry for some painful questions but these are very vital to make any suggestions. If he is ok with mobility and asking for his needs, then you can get best of both the worlds for him. If not, you can still try to do the same but you need to put extra careful effort in India.
While your long term worries may be valid, please focus on short term needs more that may automatically address your long term concerns too.
Try to be in an atmosphere where he is equally exposed to Desi & Non-Desi environment. America has great strength in dealing with critical needs. At the same time, if you wish to leave his future in safe hands & familiar culture, it is important to maintain a good Desi network so that kids of his age gets some attachment with him.Not that you can't make the similar friendship with american society but it just gives him enough exposure to deal with both cultures.
Please don't get disillusioned that the family & friends in india would have any more special concern than network of friends here. While you may get some good nursing assistance in India, it is hard for another family to take care of him. It is no fault of theirs as they would have their own challenges.
Also, while your son may have 1 Million funds in trust, i hope you have your earnings in good shape as well. Please don't think that his trust money would serve better in India than here. Trust me when it comes to money, it is dog eats dog world. Every dog has to protect his bone ! . Try to hide the fact about money in trust and especially the amounts especially in India. This is not to color the society bad, but it is just a practical thought to protect you and your family.
Try to create some opportunities where he spends couple of months in a year at special needs school in India while you take that opportunity to maintain family/friends network in India. It needs some kind of sacrifice from you and your second child but i think if you keep good spirits they will too. On positive side, as you may be able to hire a full time assistance in India during that time, rest of the family can have good break and come back to US with revitalized energy to US. This would most importantly fulfill your attachment to India too.
Hopefully, in best scenario for long/very long term that you would leave his future in 'trusted people/organization' that would continue to provide same nature of life (between India and US).
Just my 2 cents..
Kumar
Sorry for what happened with your son. We wish courage that is needed to make best of life even in adverse condition.
It is easy to understand both your and your wife's concern.
While you clarified that he can walk and run fine, Can he understand and ask for what he needs like food etc (Even if it needs some body's help). That would be key question.Even with some delays, is it expected that his communication abilities would be good enough to manage his own needs? Sorry for some painful questions but these are very vital to make any suggestions. If he is ok with mobility and asking for his needs, then you can get best of both the worlds for him. If not, you can still try to do the same but you need to put extra careful effort in India.
While your long term worries may be valid, please focus on short term needs more that may automatically address your long term concerns too.
Try to be in an atmosphere where he is equally exposed to Desi & Non-Desi environment. America has great strength in dealing with critical needs. At the same time, if you wish to leave his future in safe hands & familiar culture, it is important to maintain a good Desi network so that kids of his age gets some attachment with him.Not that you can't make the similar friendship with american society but it just gives him enough exposure to deal with both cultures.
Please don't get disillusioned that the family & friends in india would have any more special concern than network of friends here. While you may get some good nursing assistance in India, it is hard for another family to take care of him. It is no fault of theirs as they would have their own challenges.
Also, while your son may have 1 Million funds in trust, i hope you have your earnings in good shape as well. Please don't think that his trust money would serve better in India than here. Trust me when it comes to money, it is dog eats dog world. Every dog has to protect his bone ! . Try to hide the fact about money in trust and especially the amounts especially in India. This is not to color the society bad, but it is just a practical thought to protect you and your family.
Try to create some opportunities where he spends couple of months in a year at special needs school in India while you take that opportunity to maintain family/friends network in India. It needs some kind of sacrifice from you and your second child but i think if you keep good spirits they will too. On positive side, as you may be able to hire a full time assistance in India during that time, rest of the family can have good break and come back to US with revitalized energy to US. This would most importantly fulfill your attachment to India too.
Hopefully, in best scenario for long/very long term that you would leave his future in 'trusted people/organization' that would continue to provide same nature of life (between India and US).
Just my 2 cents..
Kumar
-
Journeywoman
- Posts: 56
- Joined: Tue Jun 08, 2010 1:43 pm
Special situation - r2i dilemma
I echo everyone else's point that you may not be able to rely on family to take care of your son in India. India has changed and so have family values, and most people are too busy with their own lives to help. Also, nursing assistance is hard to come by these days, and his mobility in India may be very restricted. I have an aunt in the US with an autistic son who has chosen not to r2I for these very reasons.
I think what you should do is to contact some parents in India who have children with special needs. There are sure to be some organisations/networks if you search. Then talk to them and see how it really works on the ground.
I think what you should do is to contact some parents in India who have children with special needs. There are sure to be some organisations/networks if you search. Then talk to them and see how it really works on the ground.
Special situation - r2i dilemma
The US society and the medical system I believe is significantly more advanced in accepting, treating and developing children with special needs. I have a friend who was in a similar predicament few years back. Wife resisted the R2I because of all the medical facilities, schooling and special care offered. India I think has a long way to go in terms of accepting kids with special needs but you may want to do some more research to see if there is any fit for your situation. Wish you the best.
Special situation - r2i dilemma
Hi Membersince2007,
You should connect with members Dixit and FB2020. They have written about being in similar situations in the following threads:
Move to a Tier 3/ Tier 4 city
R2I dilemma - kid with Cerebral Palsy
My best wishes to you.
You should connect with members Dixit and FB2020. They have written about being in similar situations in the following threads:
Move to a Tier 3/ Tier 4 city
R2I dilemma - kid with Cerebral Palsy
My best wishes to you.
Special situation - r2i dilemma
Two points:
1.
If you move to a city like Delhi,Bangalore, etc you may have more options. If your destination is not a major city, then it may not be that useful. One of the great suggestions in this thread is to identify a couple of schools in the target city and experiment with them in Summer. This may really help you decide one way or the other.
2.
The other point is probably off topic a bit: apologies in advance. But, .....blood is thicker than water in most cases. I.e. please think about another kid to build a slightly stronger support system for the kid as well as share the burden a bit for the siblings. Relying on non-immediate family may not work out in all cases. This would help both in India as well as the US.
Best wishes for a good recovery for your child.
1.
If you move to a city like Delhi,Bangalore, etc you may have more options. If your destination is not a major city, then it may not be that useful. One of the great suggestions in this thread is to identify a couple of schools in the target city and experiment with them in Summer. This may really help you decide one way or the other.
2.
The other point is probably off topic a bit: apologies in advance. But, .....blood is thicker than water in most cases. I.e. please think about another kid to build a slightly stronger support system for the kid as well as share the burden a bit for the siblings. Relying on non-immediate family may not work out in all cases. This would help both in India as well as the US.
Best wishes for a good recovery for your child.
Special situation - r2i dilemma
I'd strongly advise against India. A lot of people would pretty much do anything for money. Even on this forum you can see threads on property disputes - among close family members. A $1m trust fund could invite problems.
I'd suggest the following
- Invest the money properly, so the corpus is quite substantial several decades down, when the parents are no more
- Have a will that asks the child to be taken into a care home if parents are not there
- Have a reputed law firm 'execute' the Will, with periodic monitoring of the child as part of the contract
I'd suggest the following
- Invest the money properly, so the corpus is quite substantial several decades down, when the parents are no more
- Have a will that asks the child to be taken into a care home if parents are not there
- Have a reputed law firm 'execute' the Will, with periodic monitoring of the child as part of the contract