Dilemma: Sole breadwinner wants to leave his job and take a year off

[Journeywoman]

Writing this to ask for some advice from those of you in the corporate world. Some background: relocated from Mumbai to Bangalore one month ago. We are professional expats: husband's job has taken us to seven countries in 14 years. Because of the constant moves I have not been able to hold down a job but have my own business which makes very little money but gives me lots of satisfaction. We are both sick of the moving and want some stability for our 2 kids. We are now in Blore for 3 years on an expat salary, plus husband will get a lifelong pension at the end of the 3 year assignment. So our plan until recently was to serve out the 3 years, then husband wanted to quit the rat race to do something on his own in Blore. Before the Blore posting, we were likely to be moved to Baghdad, Latin America, or Russia and it was only through some miracle that we got the Blore posting. Have a widowed mother in Blore, and want to be near here.

So we were very happy to return at last, but now after just one month, my husband desperately
hates his job and is so stressed that he is
having chest pains etc. He is a diabetic as well. Had him checked out but nothing wrong with heart though still waiting for the diabetes tests. Seems to be pure and simple burnout coupled with a nightmare job with two bosses and very long working hours.

Now he wants to quit and take a year off from the rat race to figure
out what he wants to do. We just moved into our lovely new house last
week, plus put kids in school nearby with great difficulty, so this is
not coming at a good time. He
was very keen on getting his pension--was even prepared to move to
horrible countries to get it--but now he wants to give it up. When Says we have enough money and health before
wealth etc.We have a few properties and he wants to sell a couple to
fund his time off.

I am ok with his moving to a lower paying, less stressful corporate
job even if it means giving up a lot of money. But his giving up work
entirely for a year scares me. It would mean moving out of this house, renting a cheaper house,
once more uprooting the kids, depleting savings and after all that he
might not be able to find a job when he returns to the workplace. He is not in the IT industry so few opportunities in Blore. He has no idea what he wants to do but is toying with the idea of a
charity or something outside the corporate world. He has always hated his job.

I can see him physically shaking before he goes off to
work and he is constantly depressed, quite unlike his usual self.
I am just so sick of the constant upheaval in our lives that I find
myself unable to be properly sympathetic. I think it is worth enduring
this job for 3 years and then retiring for life, but he says I don't
understand corporate stress and the pressure of having to answer 400
emails a day. I don't want to be the money grabbing bitch from hell
who drives him to a heart attack, but I don't want to be completely
impractical and end up regretting it later. Also really hate the idea
of uprooting kids again just a month after we have moved in.

I think the pressures on sole
breadwinners are intense, and I really don't want him to resent me and
the kids. Would appreciate some advice from those of you in the corporate rat race? Should I just let him find his way, even if it means losing several crores ( salary plus pension), more upheaval, difficulty for kids, plus uncertainty in the future? We are lucky enough to be financially sound, but we will have to sell properties to fund a year off.

Apologies for the over long post.

[sftrade]

If your husband has been with a MNC for a long time it is possible that he can get a year off without pay. If your primary base is the US you can avail the FMLA leave which will give you a portion of a salary. Without health nothing matters so it is best to take care of this before anything else. Make sure you get him checked up thoroughly in a good hospital specially chest pains, which can a big warning sign. Stress is under-estimated and can be a killer disease in itself. The other day while shopping groceries in Bangalore I overhead some women discussing how diabetes is inevitable for their husbands in marketing in India since they have no time to eat healthy, exercise and are always stressed out. I couldn't help but wonder how lifestyle choices are now the cause of fatal diseases instead of genetics or environmental reasons.

[moneyIsNot_funny]

JW, its probably best that you take a piece of paper and write down some of the contradicting things you mentioned above, in the order of MOST importance. First line wins - simple rule. No ifs, no buts. Follow it, be content - and so, be happy.

[bharatam]

I generally avoid posting to specific situations as each one is different and one can never get the complete picture from a question howsoever long the post is . But this interested me as it corresponded to mine ! My wife and me both were in good corporate jobs - Both are qualified professionals etc etc . Now both of us are out of the corporate rat race . So i can relate to your husband's situation .My insight that i wish to share is that if I have correctly assessed your situation you can at best only postpone your husband's decision to resign that too a small little so it may not be worth the effort in retrospect . I am better off having taken the decision to be out of the rat race and hope the same for you.Best wishes .

[VA_INDIAN]

He is lucky to have understanding wife as you. that you realised how intense a pressure is on sole breadwinner.

I think the pressures on sole
breadwinners are intense, and I really don't want him to resent me and
the kids. Would appreciate some advice from those of you in the corporate rat race? Should I just let him find his way, even if it means losing several crores ( salary plus pension), more upheaval, difficulty for kids, plus uncertainty in the future? We are lucky enough to be financially sound, but we will have to sell properties to fund a year off.

Apologies for the over long post.

[srinpo]

I am a male and seeing myself & dozens of friends in this situation, I am convinced of the stereo type that women expect their man to be the man of stereotype. Most of us infact even the finance is not issue. They dont have to drop the lifestyle even a inch, and can do nothing their life time. But the mere status symbol is enough for women to send their husbands packing to work.
So my conclusion now is, to accept this as fact of life, and not treat man & women as exact mirror image equals. This is what both of them want anyway.
To give concrete suggestion, how about reasonable compromise of taking a job but slowing it down ? Many times I see people cant do this. I consider myself to be best in doing it, but alas, only I can boast here. My wife doesnt think highly of this, and only thulps me for being hopeless.
May be I am lucky to be in that position, but why not stop on growing beyond a point, but just make use of ones expereince and get by.

[Journeywoman]

Thanks for all the responses. Sorry for the very rambling post: I realised too late that I should have bulleted it.

SFtrade: Unfortunately in his company taking a year off without pay is strictly discretionary. As they hired him for this job at great expense, they are unlikely to allow him to take a year off now. He will have to resign outright. Agree that stress is a killer disease and that I should not take this lightly. Have gone to the best hospital in Blore for checkup.

Bharatam: I really sympathise with his desire to do something meaningful and quit the rat race. My only argument is that 3 years is not a long time, and with the proceeds from an expat placement he can then have more resources to start his own business, if that's what he wants to do. He is now only 42; I think he will still be lucky to retire at 45. However, as others have pointed out, health is most important and if one is stressed, even 3 years is too much.

VA Indian: Very nice of you to say I am understanding. I am actually considering going back to work but I have not found too many opportunities, since I have been out of the workforce too long. Also children still young and no support from family.The other option is to ramp up my business so i can make more money. I hope to do this, but am not sure if it will happen.

Srinpo: I am puzzled by your post, especially the line "They don't have to drop the lifestyle even an inch, and can do nothing their lifetime. But the mere status symbol is enough to send husbands packing to work."

I think I made clear in my post above that I am willing for him to take a salary cut and take a less stressful, low paying job. ( this will mean a pay cut of at least 6 lakhs a month, and giving up free rent, education, travel, utilities, and health, all currently paid by the company). So I don't think I am one of those not willing to "drop my lifestyle." At the time we married, I had a high paying job myself. I gave it up, rather unwillingly, to folllow him around the world because that was what he wanted at that point of time. Now he wants something else. I don't consider living in seven countries with different language problems, bringing up the children without any support, making new friends every couple of years as "doing nothing."

As to your suggestion of taking a job but slowing it down, I think it is not possible with this job, which is super senior, super stress. My suggestion is that he takes a less stressful lower paying job, but as I said before, he wants to take a year off to clear his head. I think he needs to compromise a little and meet me halfway.

[sumachechi]

Could not at least take a 3 month sabbatical? Will the company agree? That itself should help in getting him relaxed and refreshed so that your original Plan A can go ahead.

[srinpo]

Srinpo: I am puzzled by your post, especially the line "They don't have to drop the lifestyle even an inch, and can do nothing their lifetime. But the mere status symbol is enough to send husbands packing to work."

I think I made clear in my post above that I am willing for him to take a salary cut and take a less stressful, low paying job. ( this will mean a pay cut of at least 6 lakhs a month, and giving up free rent, education, travel, utilities, and health, all currently paid by the company). So I don't think I am one of those not willing to "drop my lifestyle." At the time we married, I had a high paying job myself. I gave it up, rather unwillingly, to folllow him around the world because that was what he wanted at that point of time. Now he wants something else. I don't consider living in seven countries with different language problems, bringing up the children without any support, making new friends every couple of years as "doing nothing."

I am just saying I am agreeing with you, and suggesting to take something inbetween. All I was saying there is, even for wives I know (mine included), who dont even have to lower their lifestyle, still like their husbands to go & work, and even accepting it as part of life and as sort of fundamental right of a wife.

[RocknRoll]

Journeywoman - Based on what you have described and my own experiences, my view is that this way of life cannot continue for him for 3 more years without grave consequences. On the other hand, he should not take a life-changing decision like this in haste while in the wrong mental perspective - it is not wise.

Therefore, he needs to find ways to reduce his stress for example - take an immediate 2 week vacation and go somewhere serene, reduce his working hours, work from home atleast one day a week, start daily meditation/pranayama, start physical exercise, hire an assistant to take care of routine issues, deletgate more to his subordinates, etc.

With some of these life-style changes I am confident he can reduce his stress levels and then decide with a clear head whether to stick it out for 3 more years or not.