Gender and r2i

Man · Post by **Man** » Mon Aug 30, 2010 7:17 pm

Are there differences in perspective on r2i based on gender? Which factors contribute to these differences? What factors about the move get influenced by such differences? How have people viewed or adjusted to these differences?

Chakra · Post by **Chakra** » Mon Aug 30, 2010 9:26 pm

You may want to read below before proceeding with this discussion:

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, "Lord, grant me one wish."
The sunny California sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice, and the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."
The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take over thousands of miles! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honour and glorify me."
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say " nothing!", and how I can make a woman truly happy."
The Lord replied, "You want two lane or four lanes on that bridge!

makepaisar2i · Post by **makepaisar2i** » Tue Aug 31, 2010 2:41 am

Here are the generic gender based thoughts regarding R2I.

Husband - How to get good job & salary? Which car to buy? How to settle kids in school? Where to live?
What would be the cost of living? etc

Wife - Will I loose my privacy due to In-laws and relatives? How to face problems in-laws? How safe is the environment for the kids? Does the kids settle in school well? etc.

This just came to mind - I could be wrong.

SeattleDude

BeeAndButterfly · Post by **BeeAndButterfly** » Tue Aug 31, 2010 5:19 am

I hesitate to generalize.

A womans concerns about r2i depends on
1. her station in life (working vs. sahm)
2. her in-laws (if they are sane and not micromanagers)
3. her spouse (fair as opposed to impressionable)

If the husband is clueless and does not know to balance between wife and in-laws and in-laws tend to micromanage or are disrespectful, the woman has every reason not to want to r2i.

Depends on the situation and the people involved and the relation in the early years of marriage.

M V · Post by **M V** » Tue Aug 31, 2010 5:52 am

beeamma;323767I hesitate to generalize.

A womans concerns about r2i depends on
1. her station in life (working vs. sahm)
2. her in-laws (if they are sane and not micromanagers)
3. her spouse (fair as opposed to impressionable) [/quote]
That euphemism for some aspects of a man's behavior reminds me of "wheatish" for some aspects of a woman's complexion at shaadi.com. :)
Both can have far-reaching impacts in the Indian marital scenario.

BeeAndButterfly · Post by **BeeAndButterfly** » Tue Aug 31, 2010 6:08 am

LOL, does come across as skin color.

Man · Post by **Man** » Tue Aug 31, 2010 7:08 pm

beeamma;323767I hesitate to generalize.

A womans concerns about r2i depends on
1. her station in life (working vs. sahm)
2. her in-laws (if they are sane and not micromanagers)
3. her spouse (fair as opposed to impressionable)

If the husband is clueless and does not know to balance between wife and in-laws and in-laws tend to micromanage or are disrespectful, the woman has every reason not to want to r2i.

Depends on the situation and the people involved and the relation in the early years of marriage.

Nice points. Of course husband being "impressionable" can work both ways as well - in either case a r2a is quite likely. A very close friend of mind was desperate to r2i after 9 years here, did manage to r2i with 2 kids 5 and 3 after he found a great job, and very happy on the professional front, and ended up r2a in 2 years due to "DIL se mile MIL" :wink situations - there was nothing to suggest this would happen preemptively (- a very traditional marriage, and no major issues, etc). Somehow the dynamics in these situations do not seem to make a realignment within India itself as one possible solution. On a more sombre note, this particular situation left him and his parents even more emotionally fractured than perhaps had they not r2i to begin with. Perhaps it is best to transition the r2i move to a more neutral locus in India?
More about location - Tier 1 vs Tier 2 city? - are women likely to be more comfortable in a Tier 2 city, as compared to men. How about the economic aspect - are there differences in how both perceive or adapt to the change in salary and economic situation?

A general rule that "clueless husbands" should not r2i would automatically bring (almost) all r2i activity to a crashing halt!:p

KirKS · Post by **KirKS** » Tue Aug 31, 2010 7:54 pm

subrama;323457Are there differences in perspective on r2i based on gender? Which factors contribute to these differences? What factors about the move get influenced by such differences? How have people viewed or adjusted to these differences?

To understand the difference in perspective, one must visit the thought process of a typical R2I family in terms of their worries/anxiety/uncertainty about certain things. We can try to come up with a list with some ifs & buts though. By no means this is an exhaustive list, but a sample of what either of the partners might think/ponder. Take it for whatever it's worth it. When it comes to kids, both parents have worries.

Typical Male worries (also assuming that most R2I families have a male head of household in terms of earning money):

Typical Female worries:

Keep adding as per your individual cases. As you can see by now, more than differences, its the importance given to each person's priority list that needs addressing. My biggest assumption is that both partners are willing to R2I. If that's not the case, we shouldn't even get to this level.

Now jumping to your last question:
Adjusting to these is not easy. What the couple should strongly convince themselves is that India won't change for them.. they need to adjust to India. Some of these may be paranoia. Some may be relevant pondering items. But at the end of the day, give more time for those which are highest concern/difference. If for the wife staying with in-laws is the biggest concern, husband needs to either convince her or find an alternate arrangement.

A compromising, yet assertive when needed head of household can manage most if not all differences. Accepting that husband & wives think differently when it comes to a life-changing event like R2I is the key. Everything else will fall in place!