Parents dependent on married daughters

[rajradio]

some people are clingers. I am one of them. So before our marriage my wife and me had a long talk and I basically told her that I love my parents and I come as a package. Ofcourse since they are from a different generation they may not see things as we do, so there will be comments, but we will see if we can rise above that and still serve the duty of the oldest son. She agreed, and she played her part of the deal well, so in return, it is only natural that I ask about her mother( no father), and I think we do take care of her as much as we can.

All this gives us less privacy and maybe less money but overall we are quite happy with the compromise. In my house my sister is an internal medicine doc, so she is more current in taking care of both my parents who are diabetics, she is the one who spends 3-5 hours/week on the phone from chicago sends them meds, glucometers and the likes, not me.

So I think daughters even after marriage take good care of their parents too, but there has to be a little pre-nup agreement that " my parents matter to me and I will take care of them"

RK

[Koeli]

On a recent trip to my aunts place (my mothers sister), this is what had happened.

My mother has 2 daughter and so does my aunt. All 4 of us are married and are quite thick since childhood. I care for her just like I would for my own mother. Earlier, when my mom was alive, the sisters had a pact that when both of us (me and sis) get married, my mother would move in with uncle and aunt. One of my aunts daughters lives with her in laws while the other one does not. From nowhere there came a discussion about male/female children. My aunt has always taken pride in her 2 daughters and at no point of time, did she ever feel the need of a male child. But this time around, she casually mentioned that they have heard about this old age place somewhere in Tamilnadu, but where all their needs are looked after, and that they are considering the option to retire there. All of us unanimously asked them to not think of such things and should live with us. They are still quite young and are financially independent and healthy. Of course, since I dont have my parents, and they are just like my own, I would want to care for them at this age. But they seem to be very headstrong and are insisting on keeping their freedom intact, by not relying on any of the 4 daughters forever, and things would have been different if they had a male child. We do our little bit when we visit them, like cleaning the house, organizing things etc, looking after their needs, but on a day to day basis much more is required. Wonder how to talk them out of it.

Despite the fact that India has progressed so much, and when daughters make as much as sons, why the expectations from sons alone, as far as living together in old age is concerned? This left me quite disturbed.

[My Roots]

the extra pride that I wont stay in daughters house for long , wont use their help especially financially etc. ,..

Majority of todays parents(our parents) take pride in saying that they don't depend on their kids financially, be it son or daughter.

[cyberabadi]

My wife comes from a family without boys. My parents and in-laws are well established in their professions and have no financial obligations or needs.. but, whether they accept or not I think they are 'emotionally' dependent on us (kids and their families). I am not (as) close to my FIL and my SIL's husband is. Nor, am I as close to my father like I am to my mother. Whenever I visit India, my mother warns me without fail - Don't get into any argument with your father. Same way, I am warned by my wife not to get into any argument with her father. Why? Because I treat both of them the same and my wife knows that. My mom's favorite kid is my wife and although my wife tries to hide it (from me) - I think she loves my mom more than her own parents. As both sets of parents get older, there might be a time when they are not physically as capable as they are today and we would look after both the same way. If both sets need to live with us, we'll work out a solution for that as well. And we are prepared for that.

I think it is the responsibility of a child (Male or female) to be there for their parents in need. Be it emotionally or financially. Tomorrow, I might be dependent on my daughter and I see no shame or harm in that. Its time people accept that their wife is someone's else kid as well and their well-being is of importance to her (and to you as well). And it is the responsibility of the educated to educate their kids about that and only that way will we be able to eradicate the social stigma that some feel in being dependent on their daughters.

[My Roots]

Tomorrow, I might be depended on my daughter and I see no shame or harm in that.[/quote]

Agree. It's all in our mind.

And it is the responsility of the educated to educate their kids about that and only that way will we be able to eradicate the social stigma that some feel in being dependent on their daughters.

:thup:

Couldn't have said better.

[M V]

I am not sure if its universally true that Indian Parents prefer their Sons over their daughters for dependence. I have exactly the opposite experience in my immediate and extended family. Parents tend to stay with their daughters more coz mainly they don't get along well with their son's wives.

My observation has been the opposite. Not sure about Indian parents preferring to live with sons or daughters, but numbers in extended family, friends and society in general indicate that the norm of parents staying with son is still highly prevalent.

An informal poll of which set of parents people live with after R2I, or which set of parents have been brought over to live in the U.S. by LIA might support my observation.

Financial help to parents of the woman is definitely on the rise with more women working. But physical help or parents living with married daughters when they are relatively healthy is still an exception.

The change is slow, but it is happening. Women getting educated and financially independent is the key. In addition, women themselves have to take the step in actively taking care of parents without feeling guilty. Old parents are not likely to be proactive in taking help from daughter, and husbands are not likely to actively seek opportunities to help in-laws (after all wives don't do that! : ).

The change is also a little slow because women whose parents are otherwise taken care of (by son or just happen to somehow not need help) are often happy with the status quo and do not actively practice being there for their parents. It is like the practice of divorce - only women who need it opt for it, and it slowly starts to become common and accepted. Happily married women will not go for it : )

[Serenity now]

Financial help to parents of the woman is definitely on the rise with more women working. But physical help or parents living with married daughters when they are relatively healthy is still an exception.

Again, my observation is exactly opposite at least among the families I know. Daughters tend to provide more physical help than sons especially for the ailing parents or for parents with limited mobility. I think this applies to healthy parents as well. There is in fact a saying that "a daughter remains a daughter through out your life time while a Son remains a son only till he gets married".

Financial help is a different matter. Generally, its OK for a daughter not to contribute much to parents if she is financially dependent on her husband. But among all cases I have seen, daughters provide more physical help than sons.

[Serenity now]

I agree with the above statement. I think what modus_vivendi is refering is during younger periods, the extra pride that I wont stay in daughters house for long , wont use their help especially financially etc. ,.. These exist and are for some time only (may be 10 years). After the dust has settled down, and no longer it is newly married couple, it becomes truly the couple is different family and part of theirs. (Exactly same for men also).

I agree with the financial part. If the daughter is a SAHM, then parents tend to shy away from asking for financial help. I would say at this point its the responsibility of the daughter to make them feel comfortable and provide any financial help if needed.

[M V]

Again, my observation is exactly opposite at least among the families I know. Daughters tend to provide more physical help than sons especially for the ailing parents or for parents with limited mobility. I think this applies to healthy parents as well. There is in fact a saying that "a daughter remains a daughter through out your life time while a Son remains a son only till he gets married". [/quote]
That happens if it is doable for the daughter without much disruption to her and her family's life, in particular if she lives in the same city or nearby.

I guess we are all speaking based on our observations! I had posted in another thread the sad case of a woman unable to help her parents living in another city. They are not well, and doing quite bad, and have some stranger coming in to give the father the required injections as the mother cannot bring herself to do it. Her hale and healthy in-laws live with her, have lived for many years. My suggestion that she bring over her parents and have them live in her city in a rented apartment nearby (which her brother living abroad can finance easily) was smilingly dismissed as 'your NRI ideas'!

Same with a woman who lives in the U.S. Could not bring mother over or visit her more frequently in her last days as she could have had she been a male.

[quote]Financial help is a different matter. Generally, its OK for a daughter not to contribute much to parents if she is financially dependent on her husband. But among all cases I have seen, daughters provide more physical help than sons.

yes, this is true to an extent. Daughters provide more physical help. but it is limited to their being able to do it relatively easily. If the daughter lives in another city, she putting her life on hold and coming over to help or taking her parents to her city is rarer. Her parents might have to manage as best as they can.

In other words, if the husband's parents and wife's parents both need to move in with their married child, it is often the man's parents who will get to do so.

[shell]

I don't have solutions. Just observations based on personal experiance.

My mother has a post grad degree, worked most of her life and is highly independent.
I have heard her say so many times that daughters take care of their parents so much better and she is glad she has two daughters.
All changed when I got married.
I transfer money to my mothers account religiously ever month which my mother immediately transfers out to an account in my name.
My inlaws love staying with us and talk about yearly visits. My parents refuse to even plan a visit which involves staying at the 'daughters house' for more than a couple of weeks.
When we got married both my husband and me had student loans. My mother thought it was a crime to marry a daughter with a loan and paid it off without my knowledge. She did this by dipping into her retirement savings.
She talks about moving to an old age home late in her life and claims that she would have done that irespective of whether she has a son or a daughter.
According to her personal belief doesn't matter if you are the girl's parents. She sees no need to be the one to break social norms to risk of 'what my inlaws will say'.

My inlaws are really sweet and very supportive. They are proud that their son is so good. Pati is proud that he is treating his parents and in laws the same financially.
I wish that society would move on from identifying financial help from daughters as a 'special case' facilitated by really good son in laws.