R2I or LIA? Interesting situation, please advice.

survivor · Post by **survivor** » Fri Feb 25, 2011 10:50 am

I would like to start off by saying big thanks to the forum administrators and members for contributing to such a wonderful forum. I am confused. I apologize in advance if my questions sound silly to any of you. I would appreciate your comments to my situation.

My background
I am 28, single. I have been in US for 5 years on H1B visa. I have total 7 years of experience. I am working as a project manager for a reputed IT company in bay area for last 3 years making about $130K per annum. I am expecting a promotion to Program Manager position in a year or two. I have savings of $170K (I spend somewhat more). I have my GC in process in EB3 category for last 5 years.

I have family in India. My immediate family includes parents living in small city of North India and elder brother, sister -in law living in Bangalore. I absolutely love my parents and brother, sis-in-law.

I am currently dating a desi US citizen girl for about 3 months now. We were introduced to each other by our families for the purpose of matrimony. We are not in love yet. I like her nature, family background and profile in general. She has her family in US and she DOESN'T want to ever go back to India (she is a doctor of pharmacy and doesn't see a good career in India). Now, I am confused if I get married to her, I would also not be able to move back to India. So I am little hesitant to commit to her.

I like US for some common reasons - infrastructure, good work life balance, things that I am able to do here such as skydiving, bungee jumping or driving Mercedes convertible. If I want to be a web entrepreneur (my dream career), I think being in Silicon Valley entrepreneurial atmosphere would definitely help me. In short, personally I don't mind living in US and I don?t miss India. But at the same time when I think of my family, I see these reasons to be go back to India (now or after few years). My father is 65 and mom is 59. Both are in good health.

-- parents would have a more comfortable life in India (even though they are ready to move to US to live with me, the girl that I am dating is also willing to take responsibility of my parents)

-- I will be able to be in close proximity with my elder bro and sis-in law if I can live in Bangalore.

-- My parents would be able to move to Bangalore and we as a family (parents, sis-in-law, brother and me) would be better off living in the same city in close proximity.

Now my questions are:

1. Should I give importance to living in close proximity to my brother in Bangalore and move back to India to give a comfortable life style to parents and say 'No' to the girl that I am dating right now?

2. Or look at my personal interest and get married to this girl. I can move my parents to US after I become a citizen (After 3-4 years). My brother doesn't want move to US so I?ll have only choice to maintain relation over phone or yearly visits. (We have been living apart for last 12 years already)

3. My father is 65 and mom is 59. Both are in good health. If I decide to go back, should I wait for few years or go back sooner? If I move back after 4 years and don't become entrepreneur, how much of salary I can expect in Bangalore as Program/Project Manager?

4. Will I be able to make a successful web start up in India? Any examples of R2I folks who became internet entrepreneur in India? or Silicon valley is the better place for this purpose?

(I have decided that I am not going to include kids (next generation) or retirement in my decision making process)

pazham · Post by **pazham** » Fri Feb 25, 2011 2:26 pm

Only you can answer these questions. What is important to you?

ss1122rr · Post by **ss1122rr** » Fri Feb 25, 2011 2:36 pm

I am 40 years old have lived in the west for 20 yrs, am decently qualified and make 1/2 as much as the OP. I am not too materialistic else I could have looked for a 20% increase but am content where I am. so clearly, while I admire the accomplishments of the OP, I am in no way jealous. the only thing I dont seem to understand about the situation is if a person has to post such personal questions (esp 1 & 2) on a public forum looking for sensible answers, who is the employer willing to pay 130K to a person who cant either take such decisions on his own OR atleast consult close friends and relatives on such matters. Big bucks are paid for decisions and if one cant make such critical decisions in his personal life, what can one do on behalf of a company??

survivor · Post by **survivor** » Fri Feb 25, 2011 2:50 pm

Right on..you are so true..let me tell you this thing...taking professional decisions are comparatively easies than personal decisions(at least for me)...most of the time professional decisions are based on ROI (return on investment). But, I can't apply that ROI logic when it comes to understanding the importance of intangible emotional benefits that I can get from my family. I want to create a healthy balance between my personal career goals and family life and that's where I thought of seeking advice from many experienced folks like you on this forum. And as I mentioned in the beginning of my post, I apologize if it sounds silly to anyone. I am confused and I don't mind admitting it.

ss1122rr;371860I am 40 years old have lived in the west for 20 yrs, am decently qualified and make 1/2 as much as the OP. I am not too materialistic else I could have looked for a 20% increase but am content where I am. so clearly, while I admire the accomplishments of the OP, I am in no way jealous. the only thing I dont seem to understand about the situation is if a person has to post such personal questions (esp 1 & 2) on a public forum looking for sensible answers, who is the employer willing to pay 130K to a person who cant either take such decisions on his own OR atleast consult close friends and relatives on such matters. Big bucks are paid for decisions and if one cant make such critical decisions in his personal life, what can one do on behalf of a company??

ss1122rr · Post by **ss1122rr** » Fri Feb 25, 2011 3:40 pm

My friend, you answered your own question - people on this forum can help you with questions about ROI or other objective questions. when it comes to something so personal, you have to look within or at most your close friends/relatives. I am not judging you (believe me, I have more shortcomings than the amount of $ you earn in a year). I just thought that people in senior management roles should have a high Emotional Quotient - thats all. good luck...

survivor · Post by **survivor** » Fri Feb 25, 2011 4:10 pm

I am just curious, are you making half of $130K in India ? If so, I thought $65K per annum is not a bad deal in India, am I missing something here?

ss1122rr;371869My friend, you answered your own question - people on this forum can help you with questions about ROI or other objective questions. when it comes to something so personal, you have to look within or at most your close friends/relatives. I am not judging you (believe me, I have more shortcomings than the amount of $ you earn in a year). I just thought that people in senior management roles should have a high Emotional Quotient - thats all. good luck...

indigoyogi · Post by **indigoyogi** » Fri Feb 25, 2011 6:31 pm

survivor;371838I would like to start off by saying big thanks to the forum administrators and members for contributing to such a wonderful forum. I am confused. I apologize in advance if my questions sound silly to any of you. I would appreciate your comments to my situation.

My background
I am 28, single. I have been in US for 5 years on H1B visa. I have total 7 years of experience. I am working as a project manager for a reputed IT company in bay area for last 3 years making about $130K per annum. I am expecting a promotion to Program Manager position in a year or two. I have savings of $170K (I spend somewhat more). I have my GC in process in EB3 category for last 5 years.

I have family in India. My immediate family includes parents living in small city of North India and elder brother, sister -in law living in Bangalore. I absolutely love my parents and brother, sis-in-law.

I am currently dating a desi US citizen girl for about 3 months now. We were introduced to each other by our families for the purpose of matrimony. We are not in love yet. I like her nature, family background and profile in general. She has her family in US and she DOESN'T want to ever go back to India (she is a doctor of pharmacy and doesn't see a good career in India). Now, I am confused if I get married to her, I would also not be able to move back to India. So I am little hesitant to commit to her.

I like US for some common reasons - infrastructure, good work life balance, things that I am able to do here such as skydiving, bungee jumping or driving Mercedes convertible. If I want to be a web entrepreneur (my dream career), I think being in Silicon Valley entrepreneurial atmosphere would definitely help me. In short, personally I don't mind living in US and I don’t miss India. But at the same time when I think of my family, I see these reasons to be go back to India (now or after few years). My father is 65 and mom is 59. Both are in good health.

-- parents would have a more comfortable life in India (even though they are ready to move to US to live with me, the girl that I am dating is also willing to take responsibility of my parents)

-- I will be able to be in close proximity with my elder bro and sis-in law if I can live in Bangalore.

-- My parents would be able to move to Bangalore and we as a family (parents, sis-in-law, brother and me) would be better off living in the same city in close proximity.

Now my questions are:

1. Should I give importance to living in close proximity to my brother in Bangalore and move back to India to give a comfortable life style to parents and say 'No' to the girl that I am dating right now?

2. Or look at my personal interest and get married to this girl. I can move my parents to US after I become a citizen (After 3-4 years). My brother doesn't want move to US so I’ll have only choice to maintain relation over phone or yearly visits. (We have been living apart for last 12 years already)

3. My father is 65 and mom is 59. Both are in good health. If I decide to go back, should I wait for few years or go back sooner? If I move back after 4 years and don't become entrepreneur, how much of salary I can expect in Bangalore as Program/Project Manager?

4. Will I be able to make a successful web start up in India? Any examples of R2I folks who became internet entrepreneur in India? or Silicon valley is the better place for this purpose?

(I have decided that I am not going to include kids (next generation) or retirement in my decision making process)

Think of it this way. If you take one of the two possible decisions, how much not taking the 'other' decision will hurt your heart in 5, 10, 20 years from now. The one that may cause you much heart burn down the road comparatively, is the one you should avoid; unless, that road is also the one you want to take now and you are okay with the heart burn later.

oasis138 · Post by **oasis138** » Fri Feb 25, 2011 6:53 pm

survivor;371838I would like to start off by saying big thanks to the forum administrators and members for contributing to such a wonderful forum. I am confused. I apologize in advance if my questions sound silly to any of you. I would appreciate your comments to my situation.

My background
I am 28, single. I have been in US for 5 years on H1B visa. I have total 7 years of experience. I am working as a project manager for a reputed IT company in bay area for last 3 years making about $130K per annum. I am expecting a promotion to Program Manager position in a year or two. I have savings of $170K (I spend somewhat more). I have my GC in process in EB3 category for last 5 years.

I have family in India. My immediate family includes parents living in small city of North India and elder brother, sister -in law living in Bangalore. I absolutely love my parents and brother, sis-in-law.

I am currently dating a desi US citizen girl for about 3 months now. We were introduced to each other by our families for the purpose of matrimony. We are not in love yet. I like her nature, family background and profile in general. She has her family in US and she DOESN'T want to ever go back to India (she is a doctor of pharmacy and doesn't see a good career in India). Now, I am confused if I get married to her, I would also not be able to move back to India. So I am little hesitant to commit to her.

I like US for some common reasons - infrastructure, good work life balance, things that I am able to do here such as skydiving, bungee jumping or driving Mercedes convertible. If I want to be a web entrepreneur (my dream career), I think being in Silicon Valley entrepreneurial atmosphere would definitely help me. In short, personally I don't mind living in US and I don’t miss India. But at the same time when I think of my family, I see these reasons to be go back to India (now or after few years). My father is 65 and mom is 59. Both are in good health.

-- parents would have a more comfortable life in India (even though they are ready to move to US to live with me, the girl that I am dating is also willing to take responsibility of my parents)

-- I will be able to be in close proximity with my elder bro and sis-in law if I can live in Bangalore.

-- My parents would be able to move to Bangalore and we as a family (parents, sis-in-law, brother and me) would be better off living in the same city in close proximity.

Now my questions are:

1. Should I give importance to living in close proximity to my brother in Bangalore and move back to India to give a comfortable life style to parents and say 'No' to the girl that I am dating right now?

2. Or look at my personal interest and get married to this girl. I can move my parents to US after I become a citizen (After 3-4 years). My brother doesn't want move to US so I’ll have only choice to maintain relation over phone or yearly visits. (We have been living apart for last 12 years already)

3. My father is 65 and mom is 59. Both are in good health. If I decide to go back, should I wait for few years or go back sooner? If I move back after 4 years and don't become entrepreneur, how much of salary I can expect in Bangalore as Program/Project Manager?

4. Will I be able to make a successful web start up in India? Any examples of R2I folks who became internet entrepreneur in India? or Silicon valley is the better place for this purpose?

(I have decided that I am not going to include kids (next generation) or retirement in my decision making process)

Based on your post the following is clear -
1. If you marry the girl you are dating then you will stay in US for rest of your life. You have also indicated that this option is something you are fine with (i.e. and option not to r2i is fine with you)
2. Since the girl is a US citizen you take care of all visa issues etc which will ensure that you are not stuck professionally and will not run into any visa hassels during rest of your life in the US - which trust me is a great thing if you plan on staying and growing professionally in the US.
3. Your brother and his family have their own life back home. You also mention that you guys have been staying away last 12 years so I guess everyone fine with the current status quo.
4. You are right in the sense that staying in Silicon valley provides you the best options in terms of VC funding , interacting with like minded individuals etc to do your own thing down the line.

I guess the only doubt you seem to have (my interpretation from your post) is as parents get old you want to stay close to them. My sense is in 99 of 100 cases parents don really want to change where they stay etc so you shouldnt keep your hopes too high that they will come and stay with you in the US. However what you can ensure is that your parents can spend 3-4 months a year with you guys in the US. Plus in your case you do have an elder bro in India who can take care of immediate needs.

Long story short besides not being able to r2i ever (well never say never but r2ing with a girl whos born and brought up in US will be tough) most things to me atleast indicate you should stay on in the US...enjoy

BeeAndButterfly · Post by **BeeAndButterfly** » Fri Feb 25, 2011 7:18 pm

OP,
Have you tried to find out info about providing health insurance long term for your parents in case you settle down here? One of the issues I face currently is that most insurance companies will not even cover my parents (--they have multiple pre-existing conditions). On their last visit, we were caught unaware by an emergency, their insurance from India was useless at that point.

As far as taking care of parents etc. goes, parents have to take care of themselves primarily, we can give them company, affection, attention and financial help, if further physical assistance is needed we have to take care of our own parents. We cannot expect others to take care of our parents. More often than not this expectation causes issues in a marriage. Since you know your parents well enough and are meeting with the girl, try to understand how they will gel with each other in case all of you have to be under the same roof. All these mutual expectations can morph into headaches long term.

hope4best · Post by **hope4best** » Fri Feb 25, 2011 7:58 pm

survivor;371838I would like to start off by saying big thanks to the forum administrators and members for contributing to such a wonderful forum. I am confused. I apologize in advance if my questions sound silly to any of you. I would appreciate your comments to my situation.

As Pazham asked, what's important to you;

1. Marrying the girl friend you are dating now
2. Taking care of your parents
3. Career prospects
4. R2I

Identify your priorities and that should help in decision making process.

Agree with ss1122rr, others can't help you with decision making on some of the personal matters. Right or wrong, you end up deciding certain things in life and you can consult the trusted or close family members for input.