Should children be involved in R2I decision?

M V · Post by **M V** » Fri Oct 28, 2011 11:58 pm

Thread to discuss how much or should children be involved in a family's r2i decision.

If a couple with kids is contemplating r2i:

1. Should the children be involved in the decision making process?

2. What is the age when kids' opinion (should) begins to count? over 8 years? 10 years?

3. Is it better if parents take the r2i decision and present it to the kids as a "done deal"?

Thoughts? Opinions? Experiences?

I think children should be involved and have a say. At least those who are older than 10 years. But I can also see the potential problems with such an approach.

rvomyet · Post by **rvomyet** » Sat Oct 29, 2011 4:46 am

Yes, always. And I don't think there should be any constraints with age. Informing them upfront and introducing them to your desires, constraints, thought process will teach them how to think through situations and make them feel respected and help their self perception versus being handing down a decision \ done deal.

formuser99 · Post by **formuser99** » Sat Oct 29, 2011 6:10 am

I think so. I have 2 kids who are in 7th and 3rd grades. I told my family all of us will get one vote about the R2I decision (except the little 8yr old one's is non-binding :) ). I promised myself to hear out and address any concerns they have about R2I.

Many times, I am guilty of this myself, we adults tend to dismiss things that we consider as trivial. But if you drop down on your knees and look at from the kid's eye level, it may be a huge issue.

I experienced this myself. My older kid is a 2nd degree black belt in Tai-kwan-do and the younger one is in Red belt (four belts away from black belt). When I first broached this subject of R2I to them, the first thing the younger one said was I will not get my black belt in Karate and the older one will brag about his black belt to me.

This reminds me of an old story, you guys probably heard this before.

Once a tall truck with a huge container got stuck under a bridge. The height of the truck and bridge clearing were almost same. Several construction specialists, bridge and road engineers visited the site to address the issue. They brought in big towing trucks to move the truck. The brought big cranes to remove the container. They tried to jack up the bridge with huge jacks. Nothing worked.

A young boy, about 8 years old, was looking at all this from a distance. He slowly approached an engineer and tried to tell him something. The engineer dismissed him. Few minutes later the boy tried again. The engineer dismissed him again. A supervisor who was noticing this interaction approached the boy and asked him, "Kid what do you want to say". The kid slowly approached the truck, let the air out in all the four tires. The truck's height dropped and the towing truck was able to pull out the big truck.

:)

arnold · Post by **arnold** » Mon Oct 31, 2011 7:22 pm

formuser99;420176I think so. I have 2 kids who are in 7th and 3rd grades. I told my family all of us will get one vote about the R2I decision (except the little 8yr old one's is non-binding :) ). I promised myself to hear out and address any concerns they have about R2I.

Many times, I am guilty of this myself, we adults tend to dismiss things that we consider as trivial. But if you drop down on your knees and look at from the kid's eye level, it may be a huge issue.

I experienced this myself. My older kid is a 2nd degree black belt in Tai-kwan-do and the younger one is in Red belt (four belts away from black belt). When I first broached this subject of R2I to them, the first thing the younger one said was I will not get my black belt in Karate and the older one will brag about his black belt to me.

This reminds me of an old story, you guys probably heard this before.

Once a tall truck with a huge container got stuck under a bridge. The height of the truck and bridge clearing were almost same. Several construction specialists, bridge and road engineers visited the site to address the issue. They brought in big towing trucks to move the truck. The brought big cranes to remove the container. They tried to jack up the bridge with huge jacks. Nothing worked.

A young boy, about 8 years old, was looking at all this from a distance. He slowly approached an engineer and tried to tell him something. The engineer dismissed him. Few minutes later the boy tried again. The engineer dismissed him again. A supervisor who was noticing this interaction approached the boy and asked him, "Kid what do you want to say". The kid slowly approached the truck, let the air out in all the four tires. The truck's height dropped and the towing truck was able to pull out the big truck.

:)

I would say the kids have to be the priority. They are the ones who'll be feeling like an alien in india, as adults we've seen both cultures and can adjust to both places. Indian culture and educational system can be quite demanding and it might not be easy to adjust for your kids especially the elder one. So think hard and if you decide to R2I, make sure that the kid's transition is smooth. If the kids get demoralized by the move, it can show up on their studies and finally screw up their future. Unlike US, you only get one shot at life in india.

mobi · Post by **mobi** » Mon Oct 31, 2011 8:42 pm

[Quote]They are the ones who'll be feeling like an alien in india[/Quote]

On the contrary, I have heard that children cope in India quite well and it is the adults who had problems.

Rajram · Post by **Rajram** » Tue Nov 01, 2011 12:42 am

Kids should definitely be considered, but not consulted before an R2I decision. Kids reactions are usually a predictable "No" when asked if they would want to R2I. They hate a change in school, friends, activities, games, tacos and everything else they are used to in the USA or elsewhere. I agree many of these are available in India these days, but what if the kids say "No" to R2I despite parents convincing them, should parents then bring their R2I plans to a grinding halt?

I think parents should talk to kids to understand and make a laundry list of things they will likely miss in India so parents can provision those after R2I, at least the ones they will dearly miss, with a hint of subjectivity here. After baselining what needs to be taken care of from a kids' perspective in India, it should be 3. Decision should be made by parents as a "done deal". Remember most parents already have gone in circles before garnering the courage to R2I. Bringing kids in a consulting mode to support the decision will only make it near impossible to achieve. :)

Mastan Bhai · Post by **Mastan Bhai** » Tue Nov 01, 2011 8:57 am

Under age 7 they are usually insane and not really human- they run around screaming gibberish, doing cartwheels and generally having a good time. Older than that, yes, they should have a say and be allowed to make their own decisions. Don't drag the kid down because of your own insecurities or whatever issues that make you decide to "come home"/essentially leave a better, more developed country for a poorer, filthy & undeveloped one. Look into the emancipation of minors if you disagree. Otherwise, if the child kills you for ruining it's life, I won't blame him/her at all.

bigdreamer · Post by **bigdreamer** » Tue Nov 01, 2011 9:02 am

My funda in life:

Live your life, not kid's.

layman · Post by **layman** » Tue Nov 01, 2011 9:46 am

modus_vivendi;420060

2. What is the age when kids' opinion (should) begins to count? over 8 years? 10 years?

The answer is below 10 yrs. Over 10 yrs the kid will say No. So, it is better to ask before that.:))

drV · Post by **drV** » Tue Nov 01, 2011 10:11 am

I know its quite romantic....common sense.....to think that we consider everyone opinion in our happy good old family........but..there are facets that need more consideration than just that....

Before asking kids about opinion on such life-changing matter......parents should ask themselves weather or not they (parents) have already made up their minds...if so....grown kids should be led to an opinion that conforms to the parents secret decision....
If parents have not made up their minds.....asking opinion from kids can put parents in a box that they may not want to be in !
What if kids say "no matter what we are not going, Mom".
How will that affect both of the parents.......?

In medicine we have a dictum.......think what you are going to do with the result before you order the test.

In law, my partner says there is a similar dictum......think what you are going to do with the answer before you ask the question.