Moving back to Chennai from USA with my daughter

[desihometown]

We are from Chennai, living in USA for past 10 years, US Citizens.

Our daughter is doing 3rd grade and going to 4th grade. I am battling whether should I go back to India now or in few years. Few things I am worried staying in USA:

1. Once she gets old, will she stay with us?
How old ? How long do you want her to stay with you ? If she gets admission in a town outside of where you live, what do you want her to do ?
2. Once she gets job, will she move away from us?
Same as above. If she gets a job or gets married outside of where you live, what do you want her to do ?
3. When we get older, will she take care of us?
Same as above. You have to think if her post-college obligation is to you or to herself, her husband, her kids & her career - I'm sure you realize that at any given point of time she may have multiple issues on these fronts going on that she needs to balance and resolve. Are you OK imposing your & your wife's care taking to her on top of all this ?
4. If we decide to return later, will it it be too late?
Too late for what ? For retirement, probably not, for kids it depends I've seen kids as old as 10 - 15 years get adjusted very well in Bangalore and Chennai and I've seen kids who are really mad at their parents for bringing them to screwed-up third world.
If I return now, few things I am worried about in India.

1. How will I find a job in India from USA?
Its a pain, but doable if you have old contacts, as well as contacts within the India office of your current firm. See other threads on this topic.

2. Does my daughter needs to know Tamil or Hindi?
3. Which are the good International Schools in Chennai?
4. What are the challenges we would face?
No Comments
5. My daughter has not seen the cruise, disney land(cali), disney land(orlando), more and more. I am sad she is going to miss all these things.
Why cant you buy a ticket for you & your kid during summer & travel from Chennai to Florida ? BTW, Disneyworld is in Tokyo, HongKong, Shanghai et al. You dont have to come all the way to US for that. There are zillion cruises out of Hong Kong & Singapore.

What should I do? Please help me.

Dont sweat this too much. Either way you do things, something or the other will turn out wrong. You'll never feel completley right about any decision you take in life. As long as you are not screwing up her education and are equipping her to deal with her life on her own, I would recommend you to figure out a post-retirement plan independent of support from your kids. If they are nearby and you can visit frequently, consider it a bonus.

Just my 2 cents.

[CulturalWisdom]

No it is not called controlling, it is called good parenting with a matured party guiding/helping the less matured person. In US kids control the parents due to the reasons I mentioned. I have seen so many parents keeping quiet and accepting the teenage tantrums. Many of them are worried that kids will walk out if they do not dance to their tunes. I have seen kids as young as 9 calling their Mom stupid in public. From where do they get this kind of courage? They know parents can not discipline them. This is common among American kids (in general).

Though I do agree that these cases are common here, I will have to play devil's advocate here and say that is just a generalization to say ALL AMERICAN KIDS are like that. Sure there are bad kids that are way out of control, but that's not because it's American culture, it's the laziness of the parents! I've seen a mixed variety of people here who are good and yes, even AMERICAN KIDS who respect their parents and others as well. And this phenomena does not only apply in America, but elsewhere as well. So no, it's not based on culture mostly, it's the part of the individual and how responsible that individual is. So it would be more moral than cultural. Every culture finds moral values important, but no, not everyone has it for whatever reason. You cannot generalize these aspects because of the country. You are right about that you do need to take control of your kids, and yes it is true there are people who spoil their kids to the extreme and let their kids run like little hitlers.. But it is the parents' duty to mold their kids into good civilized beings, living in certain culture does not automatically make kids "control" their parents or automatically make them "good". It seems to me a big stereotype.

dell I think you are talking about ideal situation or theory. To run a family you need to set rules, without which the civic sense will be lost. To enforce the rules is not slave mentality. Why the government are in favor of minor because of lots of them are abused by elders (step father/mother). Since government favor minors can be easily abused by them.
In India even in today's time there are no such enforcement by governments but society oblige to enforce it and so kind of pretext of living in such society.

I agree with the setting rules is not a slave mentality, it's keep you in check and prevent you from going over the limit. Otherwise your kids will walk on top of you.

I was thinking that dell is thinking of people who take way too much control of kids that you don't even give your kids space to breath and that can cause things to come out wrongfully and rebellion. I do agree with that setting rules and taking control should be done, but up to a certain point where kids learn for good to become civilized and respectful towards society and others, but I do feel they need to learn to choose for themselves and let them live the path of life they see suitable for them and makes them happy too. And it's different for everyone, no right or wrong. They cannot live for their parents' and society's satisfaction only, like dell said, if they want to live in another country for a while or try a new career, are you going to stop them and beat them severely because it does not live up to your standards and you want to keep strictly the way you grew up (which is not bad, but you have to let them enjoy things and try things they are interested in)? I feel it's better if they go and explore things themselves and try out new things rather than staying in one bubble. I find people who do this flourish better that way as it broadens their horizons rather than staying narrow-minded and bash other people who are different.

And to the original poster,
Going back to India is NOT going to guarantee that your child will be close to you. It is how you mold her and set positives for her creating a good bond b/w you and her. If you can do that, you will have no problem, whether you are in the US or India. It depends on the family dynamics, not the culture or country.

[CulturalWisdom]

double post

[okonomi]

double post

Sometimes when your post is good, readers may want to say."...yep...you can say that again". Premonitions of writing a good post would make you post it twice.

[cf_r2i]

They cannot live for their parents' and society's satisfaction only, like dell said, if they want to live in another country for a while or try a new career, are you going to stop them and beat them severely because it does not live up to your standards and you want to keep strictly the way you grew up (which is not bad, but you have to let them enjoy things and try things they are interested in)? I feel it's better if they go and explore things themselves and try out new things rather than staying in one bubble. I find people who do this flourish better that way as it broadens their horizons rather than staying narrow-minded and bash other people who are different.

Hope you are not serious when you quote above. While growing up if you were oppressed as a child then we are talking about a different subject. My comments were not about a oppression in the house but a civilized rules and where parents need to be not a "friend" but "parents". Off course when kids reach adult age they can decide for themselves but good kids will take their parents opinion due to their experience. Parents are and will be responsible for kids well being at least before they become adults.

[CulturalWisdom]

I agree with the setting rules is not a slave mentality, it's keep you in check and prevent you from going over the limit. Otherwise your kids will walk on top of you.

Have you read that? :). I believe it's the same thing we're talking here :). I agree that being too much of a "friend" and never a parent to your kids will go out of hand..but I think being a friend and parent will work..seen it among many. I thought dell was indicating oppression, just wanted to express on that. And as for choosing a certain path, of course most people will seek advice first before doing anything before choosing. Always best to seek the positives and negatives. Opinions and advice parents give to kids is good, but forcing them to take it.. And no, what is highlighted in bold was not literally meant..don't think people do that now and hope they don't.

[cf_r2i]

Thanks for clarifying though I thought so but was not sure.

Have you read that? :). I believe it's the same thing we're talking here :). I agree that being too much of a "friend" and never a parent to your kids will go out of hand..but I think being a friend and parent will work..seen it among many. I thought dell was indicating oppression, just wanted to express on that. And as for choosing a certain path, of course most people will seek advice first before doing anything before choosing. Always best to seek the positives and negatives. Opinions and advice parents give to kids is good, but forcing them to take it.. And no, what is highlighted in bold was not literally meant..don't think people do that now and hope they don't.

[Old-Spice2]

And to the original poster,
Going back to India is NOT going to guarantee that your child will be close to you. It is how you mold her and set positives for her creating a good bond b/w you and her. If you can do that, you will have no problem, whether you are in the US or India. It depends on the family dynamics, not the culture or country.

Have you tried it personally? I have and discovered a country/culture makes a big difference in the growing up process. There are few other members who r2i when their kids were in middle school and had similar experience.

[CulturalWisdom]

^No I haven't experienced it personally. But I can tell you that I have ran into Indians raised in Indian soil who have broken relationships, that's why I don't think culture plays a role in it. My former doctor was from southern India. Her family is not what you would imagine (and yes they all grew up in India) Her mother is living with her here in US and pretty much it's only her mother, husband and kids on her side. She has two brothers and they never talk with each other (that was what she told me at least) Both her brothers and mother haven't talked for years and he lives in the States and doesn't bother with anyone in the family for whatever reason. Doesn't even go visit them or call to see how their mom is doing. Whatever happened strained the relationships b/w members. However, they are all very close to the husband's side of the family who is elsewhere. And it's similar to my family, but will not go into it. That's why I feel it's based on how the particular family functions overall.