Yes!! It did atleast for now.. :(
Background:
Typical BTech + MS + H1 route south Indian
7 yrs in US.
Didn?t apply for GC as was keen to R2I
Love Marriage.(3 yrs of knowing each other + 3 yrs married now)
Age: Me(28), Hubby(29). No kids yet.
Moved from Bay Area to Hyderabad last year(Nov 2011). Hubby is from Hyd and hence staying with MIL(FIL passed away) in own house. I am from Blore.
Reasons for R2I:
[LIST=1]
Been there done that attitude. US started to seem boring.
Worried to leave parents in India. Though both sets of parents are in good health at this time, was worried about long term.
No career growth satisfaction. Fed up with Visa rules and stamping hassles.
Friends in India earning good and having good savings. This made us think that there is no point in staying so far away from india and our dear ones.
[/LIST]
We R2Ied with all our hearts. No regrets for not applying GC(even now). Both me and husband in IT. We were lucky to land in good jobs in India. Everything was going well until DIL-MIL fight started in just 3 months after R2I. MIL is a house wife and is very good at house work and cooking. Doesn?t trust maids and believes in doing everything herself. All her relatives have similar traits. I come from a working mom and independent lifestyle mode. Dad not yet retired. Always had maid for household work since childhood except in US. I don?t cook all that well and hubby never had a problem before R2I.
MIL feels that I don?t do housework properly. She wants me to cook, clean, wash, sweep, mop, everything. I have no issues doing these to some extent, but not completely. Since, I am not so good at it, she is not satisfied. And, me working in IT and doing all this stuff is tough. Everyone around has maids and one of the luxuries of staying in India is to get domestic help and we are earning good enough to spend 2k for maid(I am not interested in neither having driver nor cook as we are a middle class family). According to her, even the humble ones who are rich, don?t have maids and that they are down to earth. Once, she complained to my mom that I don?t do house work properly, don?t dress properly and that raised a big issue and became a huge fight. Had a meeting with 1 or 2 relatives and I was told to help her in household stuff and she was told to keep a maid. Hence a maid was hired after 2 months. But hubby started behaving different. He was supporting his mom more and often used to get angry at me for not adjusting in that house. He liked and loved me for the very reason that I am very friendly going and am good with people which I am. We had the usual struggles during marriage in convincing both the parents. Both sets of parents visited USA and stayed with us for few months after marriage . I am calm going and don?t complain much and feel that people around me will understand if they are doing a mistake or will make me realize my mistakes in a soft way as they are elder to me.
Me and husband started having several fights after that. I was more sad that he was not supporting me rather than his mom?s behavior. Since it?s a love marriage and since I am not used his family and lifestyle in India, I was expecting him to be my side or atleast be neutral. He feels that I am not giving enough respect to his mom and I don?t know what makes him feel that. I feel that MIL complains about me behind my back and he feels that my mom is supporting me more. He is a very sweet and good person and in the 5 years of knowing him in USA, I never felt a single second that he is biased. All these mind troubles started after we came to India.
About the household stuff, I cook(atleast 40% of the time), take lunch to office(which I cook) everyday. I am not used to MILs food style. Though it tastes good, there is a huge difference between Mom?s style and MIL?s. I like the food which I cook and feel that it takes time to get used to hers. And yes, I have done cleaning, sweeping, moping occasionally (atleast 30%). MIL feels that this is not enough and that I need to step up and do it all the time even working full time in IT. And this is the conclusion in the first 3 months after R2I and still the same. I don?t have an issue doing it completely and giving 100%. But, she is not giving me space to adjust and do things my way. She is never satisfied with what I do and the way I do because of which I don?t feel that it is my house. I am new to hyd, new to his house, new to ppl in hyd, no frenz or relatives in hyd, new to office. Everything was new to me and like a fresh start. If I am given some control and make it feel as if it is my home, then I will do everything with all my heart. Hubby feels that I am taking too long to adjust(after just 3 months of R2I). He is sad that I am not comfortable with his mom and don?t do things as she likes. He says that he feels as the luckiest guy to have married his loved one, but feels sad that I am not adjusting in the family.
In the meantime, I became pregnant. Very happy about it. But , it started getting even more complicated. MIL doesn?t talk to me well and doesn?t give the usual tips of taking care of myself. I had to cook for my lunch and as well as take care of pregnancy myself like researching each and every stage of pregnancy since it is my first time. Mom was in blore and not there to guide me. Hubby was there as a moral support and did the usual stuff like taking me to hospital, buying medicines, making sure that I am eating fresh food, etc. I started having some medical complications which prevented me to go to office and was prescribed bedrest. This is another issue. I couldn?t bear the thought of staying at home and being 24x7 with MIL, eating the kind of food she makes, etc. However, I had to let go off all these feelings for the good of the baby and do as the way Dr suggested. Hubby started feeling more for his mom since then ,as she has to take care of me. Because of the initial fights, my mom was not comfortable to come and stay with me. However, she still came a few times to help my MIL and to take care of me. I took each and every opportunity to ask Dr to let me travel and go Blore because that will be good for everyone. After few months, just recently, I was let go to Blore with my own risk as the situation is a little less complicated now, and the sooner I travel, the better it will be. I was soo happy about that. But soon it faded away as MIL told that its my parents responsibility to take me to Blore and all that ritual stuff, blah, blah, blah. Worst of all, my hubby started to listen to it and forced me to call my parents and lied to them that he needed them to accompany him as he doesn?t want to bring me alone to blore cuz if any complications arise, then he needs someone. My parents were not prepared for this as it was sudden and they needed time to decide. Finally, they had to come immediately because of all this, giving respect to his words. After coming, hubby conveniently told that it is parents responsibility and not his and that he doesn?t want to travel with me. At that moment, I felt like collapsing completely not knowing what to do. The person whom I loved the most, the one who was never like this is talking without thinking what is good for baby and started giving importance to responsibilities and rituals. After pushing him much, he finally agreed to travel with me and left immediately.
Now, I am in a strange situation not knowing what to do. Its been few weeks since I came to Blore and we are not talking since then. I am sure that if we were in US, this type of situation would have never raised. He loved me soo much and we were such a happy family with no issues. No one is happy now. I don?t have any friends in India with whom I can share my sorrow. I can?t even share it with my parents as it is love marriage and married by forcing them to agree. Already , I gave them enough trouble past few months. Honestly, this doesn?t raise the thought of R2A as our goal is to take care of parents and each of us love respective parents soo much that we can?t leave them. The joy of being pregnant vanished somewhere in between and I am just hanging in there praying that everything will go fine.
From my side, I don?t see any mistake of mine. Neither does my hubby feels that he is doing something wrong. But you guys out there might help me see whats wrong here. I want to read a man?s mind during such issues. I still believe that my hubby is that sweet loving person, cuz I still see it when we are alone i.e when my MIL is away from home few days. It reminds me of US days. He takes care of my health by asking me if I had lunch, took medicines, etc. But off late, he started scolding me, shouting at me, which is unbelievable to me. He is someone who doesn?t tell his thoughts or open up himself. But he piles up everything and shows frustration at once. So, now a days, I am unable to figure out if he is alright or if he has something at the back of his mind. He believes that I am an independent woman and feels that I don?t need him. Yes, I am independent, but I see no fun in it. I like to be with him. I want my old husband back.
Since I can stay anonymous in this forum, I chose to put my feelings here and get some help.
R2I has ruined my (marital) life
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Hyderabadi
- Posts: 1768
- Joined: Sat Dec 30, 2006 1:31 am
R2I has ruined my (marital) life
Thank you for taking the time to write, very important to get the thoughts in order. Definitely not a good scene topped with your pregnancy. This is the time both must be excited and loving to each other.
Men do get crushed between two women and get frustrated seeing them both unhappy. Mothers should learn to give space which they do not and if the wife is not patient then the hurricane picks speed.
The husband/son needs to be objective like a manager and be able to tell the team members where they are screwing up.
At this point take care of yourself more than anything else. Good you went to your parents house, things may cool down a bit and you get some much needed space.
Good luck and welcome to R2I forum.
Hyd
Men do get crushed between two women and get frustrated seeing them both unhappy. Mothers should learn to give space which they do not and if the wife is not patient then the hurricane picks speed.
The husband/son needs to be objective like a manager and be able to tell the team members where they are screwing up.
At this point take care of yourself more than anything else. Good you went to your parents house, things may cool down a bit and you get some much needed space.
Good luck and welcome to R2I forum.
Hyd
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sumachechi
- Posts: 1339
- Joined: Mon Feb 11, 2008 3:00 am
R2I has ruined my (marital) life
Your hubby needs to see things for himself. Find peace for yourself in your parents house and let him learn to miss you and face upto the situation.
After the baby is born, would advise that before you return, you have a clear talk with him regarding your expectations , your position and respect that you need as well.
I fail to understand something- why is the hubby not expected to help in the house as well when both are working and earning? Surely men of the current generation need to be able to see this for themselves?
I have to go for a few conferences a year as part of my job. As we are primarily a nuclear family, that leaves my hubby and kids alone at home for those 3 days or whatever. BAsically, there's a daytime maid to cook and clean- not for breakfast and sorting out school snack,though-. When Iam away, bfast is mostly cereals/toast( which is perfectly fine and acceptable to all parties) and the snack for school I usually premake and freeze( aloo parathas, spring rolls stuffing for kati rolls etc) so its an instant job for him in the mornings. basically the household works and we have no issues. Most of my colleagues and friends are amazed that Iam able to run away for 2-3 days without family- I really dont see why expecting the hubby to do this much is so amazing!!!
After the baby is born, would advise that before you return, you have a clear talk with him regarding your expectations , your position and respect that you need as well.
I fail to understand something- why is the hubby not expected to help in the house as well when both are working and earning? Surely men of the current generation need to be able to see this for themselves?
I have to go for a few conferences a year as part of my job. As we are primarily a nuclear family, that leaves my hubby and kids alone at home for those 3 days or whatever. BAsically, there's a daytime maid to cook and clean- not for breakfast and sorting out school snack,though-. When Iam away, bfast is mostly cereals/toast( which is perfectly fine and acceptable to all parties) and the snack for school I usually premake and freeze( aloo parathas, spring rolls stuffing for kati rolls etc) so its an instant job for him in the mornings. basically the household works and we have no issues. Most of my colleagues and friends are amazed that Iam able to run away for 2-3 days without family- I really dont see why expecting the hubby to do this much is so amazing!!!
R2I has ruined my (marital) life
Welcome to indian wife's club HumanBBeingH ,Indian Men are men when they come to india they show their reality when they are with their mothers.Here nobody did anything wrong ,its the situation made you guys feel about this , now this is not the time to discuss and argue , you should pray for a healthy baby and this baby may bring changes in your lifes, once the baby come to this world the whole world changes for him, Just wait and watch until you baby is born and go back to him and be cool and don't fight much with him and he will be yours dear , don't worry everything will be fine even your MIL will be nice to you.your situation is like mine once we moved to india from USA , just be with patience.
R2I has ruined my (marital) life
OP, sorry to hear about your situation. Believe me it is not something unique to you. Over time things will sort if everyone is practical about it. Since you have decided to stay in India, it is important to give this some time. Things will not become perfect but they will improve and you (all three) should set the expectations accordingly. Speaking from exp, I can say that your DH has to play the key role here in setting the expectations.
But all the above is in the long run. I believe your immediate undivided attention should be your baby - with or without relatives. Dont tax yourself too much thinking about this problem for now because it is just a temporary glitch.
Congrats and Good Luck!!
But all the above is in the long run. I believe your immediate undivided attention should be your baby - with or without relatives. Dont tax yourself too much thinking about this problem for now because it is just a temporary glitch.
Congrats and Good Luck!!
R2I has ruined my (marital) life
OP, sorry to hear that you are going through this. A big hug to you! Hang in there. Take one step at a time.
Your first priority is your and your baby's health. Its good that you have returned to your parents' place.
Some possible options/questions
- Did your husband participate in household chores while in the US? If yes, then you can ask him to help you out here as well. Does his mother feel its a devaluation / ill treatment of your husband if he helps out at home? (Then its tough to change that thinking)
- Is it possible for you two to live together, but away from MIL for a while? Can your parents come to stay with you two since you are pregnant?
- Is it possible for the relatives (your or his) to stay completely out of this matter? I don't understand why they get involved in this highly personal matter? The problem with relatives is that they tend to take sides and can't stay objective. Is it possible to seek third-party help like a marriage and family therapist?
- Is it possible for your husband to do the chores like cutting and washing vegetables, running laundry in a washer, grocery shopping, cleaning car, tidying up house, keeping rinsed utensils where they belong, folding laundry, etc. This may not seem a lot, but its definitely helpful.
On a side note, I understand what you must be going through. I have a friend whose wife went through this madness recently and simply quit her job in IT. There was complete non-cooperation from her MIL and her husband. She is trying to get pregnant as well and couldn't take the stress of working + doing household chores. (not suggesting that you take this route, but I understand the stress you might be facing.)
Your first priority is your and your baby's health. Its good that you have returned to your parents' place.
Some possible options/questions
- Did your husband participate in household chores while in the US? If yes, then you can ask him to help you out here as well. Does his mother feel its a devaluation / ill treatment of your husband if he helps out at home? (Then its tough to change that thinking)
- Is it possible for you two to live together, but away from MIL for a while? Can your parents come to stay with you two since you are pregnant?
- Is it possible for the relatives (your or his) to stay completely out of this matter? I don't understand why they get involved in this highly personal matter? The problem with relatives is that they tend to take sides and can't stay objective. Is it possible to seek third-party help like a marriage and family therapist?
- Is it possible for your husband to do the chores like cutting and washing vegetables, running laundry in a washer, grocery shopping, cleaning car, tidying up house, keeping rinsed utensils where they belong, folding laundry, etc. This may not seem a lot, but its definitely helpful.
On a side note, I understand what you must be going through. I have a friend whose wife went through this madness recently and simply quit her job in IT. There was complete non-cooperation from her MIL and her husband. She is trying to get pregnant as well and couldn't take the stress of working + doing household chores. (not suggesting that you take this route, but I understand the stress you might be facing.)
R2I has ruined my (marital) life
tinu;472152 Is it possible for you two to live away from MIL for a while?
This is the only solution that I can see from your situation. Living separate does not mean we don't care our parents, in laws. You both should have discussed about living separate but close enough to make frequent visits to parents, in laws when needed.
R2I has ruined my (marital) life
I can totally relate to u,coz I underwent this in different situations but my hubby took neutral role but as u said married life was screwd up.My hubby was stressed out of all these and didn't wanted to move to different place in Sam city he decided move out of country .Now after 5 yrs we will be returning to India & we hav decided to stay in separate houses.
In ur situation as FIL is not there its difficult to live separately but defn ur hubby can be neutral.
My advice is njoy ur pregnancy this is the best time of ur life,I hav 2 kids and if I had ag in my side I would luv to hav one more baby thou had issues with both pregnancies.SUCH IS MOTHERHOOD.NJOY UR DAYS WITH UR BABY.I KNOW U NEED UR HUB Y H WILL BE THERE ,PEOPLE DON'T CHANGE OVERNIGHT.HANG IN,HAV A CLEAR CHAT.PLZ DON'T STRESS URSELF.WHEN R U Due.I am from .bangalore and will be R2I this dec,we can be friends .
In ur situation as FIL is not there its difficult to live separately but defn ur hubby can be neutral.
My advice is njoy ur pregnancy this is the best time of ur life,I hav 2 kids and if I had ag in my side I would luv to hav one more baby thou had issues with both pregnancies.SUCH IS MOTHERHOOD.NJOY UR DAYS WITH UR BABY.I KNOW U NEED UR HUB Y H WILL BE THERE ,PEOPLE DON'T CHANGE OVERNIGHT.HANG IN,HAV A CLEAR CHAT.PLZ DON'T STRESS URSELF.WHEN R U Due.I am from .bangalore and will be R2I this dec,we can be friends .
R2I has ruined my (marital) life
OP, sorry to hear your problem, first and foremost is focus on your health and baby.
Don't know where your hubby is working, can he get his job (internal) transfer to Bangalore (I am assuming his employer has an office in Bangalore)! This would certainly help as he will be closer to you and take care of you as well. Once the baby is born hopefully the arrival of a new family member would bring in bundle of joy in your family which could bring in happiness in your MIL as well.
I wish you all the best to your R2I, hang in there and everything will be fine.
Don't know where your hubby is working, can he get his job (internal) transfer to Bangalore (I am assuming his employer has an office in Bangalore)! This would certainly help as he will be closer to you and take care of you as well. Once the baby is born hopefully the arrival of a new family member would bring in bundle of joy in your family which could bring in happiness in your MIL as well.
I wish you all the best to your R2I, hang in there and everything will be fine.
R2I has ruined my (marital) life
The situation is surely not very uncommon.
A man, particularly in 20s will find it very difficult to balance between an 'old style', demanding mother, and a fairly independent wife. It's not at all uncommon. I have R2I'ed and living for 4th year now with mother & wife under one roof. Trust me, you will get through this phase.
For now, just focus on the baby. Physical and mental development of the precious newcomer is the most important thing. Just accept the fact that in India, most women spend 6 to 8 months at their mother's place during pregnancy & after that. Husbands rarely visit if they are from another city and treat you case as one such thing. Nothing to get upset or think too much.
Once the baby is there, things will change. But you can worry about it after it happens. For now, just relax, hear to nice songs, get some massage and keep thinking about the baby. Everything will become alright. A man will melt after seeing his newborn, no matter what went on before that!
A man, particularly in 20s will find it very difficult to balance between an 'old style', demanding mother, and a fairly independent wife. It's not at all uncommon. I have R2I'ed and living for 4th year now with mother & wife under one roof. Trust me, you will get through this phase.
For now, just focus on the baby. Physical and mental development of the precious newcomer is the most important thing. Just accept the fact that in India, most women spend 6 to 8 months at their mother's place during pregnancy & after that. Husbands rarely visit if they are from another city and treat you case as one such thing. Nothing to get upset or think too much.
Once the baby is there, things will change. But you can worry about it after it happens. For now, just relax, hear to nice songs, get some massage and keep thinking about the baby. Everything will become alright. A man will melt after seeing his newborn, no matter what went on before that!