Dixy\'s Blah Blah

[dixit]

The kid could have a family of its own but there will always be a tinge of sadness that the kid cannot share the experiences of growing up in her family with anyone that she resonates with. The single child will always yearn for that time in his/her life with her/his family during her/his formative years.
Everything else can be worked with. There are scores of people who have two kids but not the income that we *think* they should have. It's all subjective. Also, most of us who post here are supposedly in better living conditions than most that I can think of. If I can't send my kids to a private school in California, that's not the end of the world for me. I might live with sending them to state universities and let them build a future for themselves but have each other in the process. JMO!

Its an extremely painful topic for me. Just reading the posts in the thread has made the start of week extremely gloomy for me (There is absolutely nothing wrong with ANY of the posts here, its just me). PG, I am quoting your post but that doesn't mean I disagree with what what you are saying.

For many parents, question of second (or a third) child is not just the income or sending kids to private school but a bigger question -- if they will be able to provide a healthy environment, resources and most importantly time for their kids to have a normal life.

Personally, second kid was a very difficult decision for us....
http://www.r2iclubforums.com/forums/showthread.php/25664-Random-thoughts

We still feel extremely bad when we think about our limitations and how it is going to effect our daughter. Holidays bring these blues even more. She is still too young to understand ---- only 3. But we dread the day when she will start asking questions ---- why don't we go for camping as the rest of our friends go, why don't we take family vacations, go to see grandparents, go to India. Even minor 'events' like taking her to a mall or late night dinner or taking her to Christmas-in-the-park in San Jose requires us to make plans well in advance and then also there is no guarantee we will be able to do it.

When sometimes I see her play by herself, I feel bad. I wish she had a big brother she could play with, go around the neighborhood, study with.

On the other hand, when I see her call us when her brother's monitor is beeping or wipe his mouth when he is drooling, I get hopes, may be things will turn out for the best. I pray they do.

[sumachechi]

Dixit
The best we can give our kids is love, physical and emotional security and you are doing that in bucketloads. Everything else are optional extras. We all have our personal restrictions and constraints and its an unimaginable number of permutations and combinations in life that make each one of us unique. She will find her way in life- be happy yourselves, she will be happy too. Thats the greatest gift.

[rajradio]

Its an extremely painful topic for me. Just reading the posts in the thread has made the start of week extremely gloomy for me (There is absolutely nothing wrong with ANY of the posts here, its just me). PG, I am quoting your post but that doesn't mean I disagree with what what you are saying.

For many parents, question of second (or a third) child is not just the income or sending kids to private school but a bigger question -- if they will be able to provide a healthy environment, resources and most importantly time for their kids to have a normal life.

Personally, second kid was a very difficult decision for us....
http://www.r2iclubforums.com/forums/showthread.php/25664-Random-thoughts

We still feel extremely bad when we think about our limitations and how it is going to effect our daughter. Holidays bring these blues even more. She is still too young to understand ---- only 3. But we dread the day when she will start asking questions ---- why don't we go for camping as the rest of our friends go, why don't we take family vacations, go to see grandparents, go to India. Even minor 'events' like taking her to a mall or late night dinner or taking her to Christmas-in-the-park in San Jose requires us to make plans well in advance and then also there is no guarantee we will be able to do it.

When sometimes I see her play by herself, I feel bad. I wish she had a big brother she could play with, go around the neighborhood, study with.

On the other hand, when I see her call us when her brother's monitor is beeping or wipe his mouth when he is drooling, I get hopes, may be things will turn out for the best. I pray they do.

Children adjust just great look at the positives. At 3 your child is already learning the concept of caring and giving which my average kids don't learn till 15 or 16. Your love and her nature will mould her into a great character and all will be fine. So take heart you are doing a great job. And though we never met you in real life most of us regulars in the forum love you.

[Lakshya]

We still feel extremely bad when we think about our limitations and how it is going to effect our daughter. Holidays bring these blues even more. She is still too young to understand ---- only 3. But we dread the day when she will start asking questions ---- why don't we go for camping as the rest of our friends go, why don't we take family vacations, go to see grandparents, go to India. Even minor 'events' like taking her to a mall or late night dinner or taking her to Christmas-in-the-park in San Jose requires us to make plans well in advance and then also there is no guarantee we will be able to do it.

When sometimes I see her play by herself, I feel bad. I wish she had a big brother she could play with, go around the neighborhood, study with.

On the other hand, when I see her call us when her brother's monitor is beeping or wipe his mouth when he is drooling, I get hopes, may be things will turn out for the best. I pray they do.

Generally I do not make any comments on your post regarding this, because I feel I am not going to add any value and I am not in your shoes so there is no way I can provide you any comforts.

Having said that for above I will say don’t worry it will turn out for good only. For your daughter its just another sibling. The kids don’t see the way we see things. Yes definitely she will shoot few questions when she will grow but will accept it wholeheartedly. I have seen sibling of one my relative where oldest kid need constant support and help. For 2 siblings it was not a big deal at all. Transporting that kid from place A to B or communicating with that kid may be mammoth task for others but for sibling it was piece of cake. I am sure those kids may have sacrificed their childhood little here and there but they never felt that way. For them sibling was always first, and they have openly said about that. I see your daughter has opportunity to play leading role (after all she is going to be sardarni (right?) ) that will help her long way to shape her life. Yes as a parent you are going to feel bad for your child, but trust me one day she will tell you-- Dad I am fine don’t worry. Kids are far better than us when they have to mold in given situation.

Regarding that vacation I feel best vacation and perfect hiking place is sitting on couch with your family and playing cards or Monopoly or just do nothing and watch TV and pass comments. I have been in US for long time, probably spent more years than you. I had different situation where my wife required frequent trip to India. My first US vacation only happened this summer to Disney. Forget about friends my large family here was taking vacation to all over the place in US and my kids where shuttling in chaos between India and US. So don’t think you are alone. :))

We just have to keep moving with the flow. If you think why me you will never find the answer.

Wishing you peace love and Joy!

[vizagdesi]

Dixit,

Just wanted to say that Bachoo and the rest of your family have a special place in our hearts. As I see the abundance of material wealth that many kids will be enjoying this holiday season, I was thinking of Bachoo and felt that he is showered with the abundance of love, joy and care of wonderful parents and a little sister.

Here is to all the parents who go the extra mile every single day to care for a child. Wishing you a happy holiday season and may God give you the strength to fight the system for your child. You are in our thoughts and in our hearts!!!!

[dixit]

You will not say this when you have family members who love you no matter how old you are and won't let go...

In the last few months we had to had this discussion twice with our son's doctors. As TechyNT said, I think it is relatively easy when you are discussing your own options, but extremely difficult when you are talking about your loved ones.

Its not easy to let go...at all.

First time we had this was a few months back when our son was going to go through the Tracheotomy. Our ENT surgeon told us that though its not an uncommon procedure and patients can live on trach for years and years, in our son's case situation is a little different. It is an elective procedure if we decide to go for it. His muscle control is progressively deteriorating. He may not be able to breath through even a trach or may reach that point some time in future. She told us many parents/caregivers decide to let nature take its course and not do any intervention (or do minimal intervention). It was a decision we needed to take fairly quickly, we decided to go for the procedure. As it turned out, our surgeon was right. Even after the trach he was unable to breath and had to be put on a ventilator.

Very recently we had another discussion with his pediatrician on what we want to do from this point on (now that things have kind of fallen into a routine with ventilator and treatments). We talked about - No intervention, minimal intervention, non-invasive intervention or everything possible to extend his life. It was a relatively short discussion since my wife and I have talked about it many many times over.

It has been 8 long years and we cannot imagine our life without him. Our life and each and every even minor decision is based around him. What time to wake-up, what time to sleep, where to sleep, when to eat, who to invite home, where to go out as a family, when to go out...everything is around how will it fit-in with his routines and needs. I don't think my wife and I are now capable of having 6 straight hours of sleep. She wakes up 3 times a night even when its my turn to make sure I am changing his side, wakes up on every beep of his monitor. She is the same person who could have slept through a performance of a 60 members-marching band performing in the same room.
Whenever he is in the hospital or at the care-center, we don't know how to pass our time. Our answer to the discussion with our pediatrician was an unequivocal -- we will do everything possible if it comes to that.

I realize, our decision is for selfish reasons. We are thinking about ourselves and not really about him. But so be it. He is happy around us, he makes us happy with his presence and he really gives our life a purpose.

Yes, in our narrow mindedness/short sightedness we are just looking at the quantity of life. But how do you define or measure quality? Having the ability to feed through a tube, breath through a tube, spit through a tube --- isn't that a quality life? Who are we to say this is reducing the quality of life? On the other hand we can measure quantity and I want him to have a VERY large quantity.....for my sake.

[sumachechi]

Dixit
Dont stress yourself too much- he is reasonably stable on his significant inputs as of present. Iam sure both of you realise that his is a life-limiting condition and when this situation of stability with full routine changes you will know. When paediatricians start asking you to make decisions, many a time its more about giving youa glimpse at to future possibilities, so you can be prepared. its not unusual for people to take your decision. As his quality of life goes down, you will realise it and that realisation will give you the strength you need. Enjoy the moment.

[dixit]

It is that time of the month again....time to discuss how boring the life is in US with potlucks and playdates..how fake NRIs are with their fake statuses and out-dated skills...and how ready LIAs are to bash India's gleaming roads and exciting life.


I just came back from a trip to India so I too can relate this time.... Two nights in India, two nights on the plane and 4 nights in a third country on vacation. It was wife and my first trip together and we had absolutely amazing time in India, was there for a wedding. We did everything we are supposed to do on an India trip - met with extended family, ate and drank a lot, got soar throat and upset stomach, nodded my head when 'experts' complained about US & Trump, smiled and gave thumbs-up on listening India's success story despite de-monteziation and GST...etc. My extended family from US too wsa there and we had a separate gossip session making fun of 'locals'.


And after two days, I was ready to come back to my son, ready to come home. Because home is where heart is. And I left my heart in San Francisco (actually about 38 miles South-East of San Francisco)!


Including this trip, I have spent a total of may be 40 days in India in the last 18+ years. For me, US is my home, not because I enjoy the pot lucks (we don't really have pot-luck type friends), or because I am making a lot of money here (most of my relatives back in India are making more, driving better cars, living in bigger houses). Or that I don't do weekend trips to Costco, infact sometimes its twice a week and I do crib about putting dirty dishes in the dishwater but don't think I can escape that.


US is my home because I came here as a 23 years old B.Com student and this country gave me education, my first job, my first lay-off, my struggle, my first pay-check, my first love, my first drinking binge, my first car, my first home. Because I have a story behind everything we have in our house, everything in our house was picked by me and my wife. My son, my daughter were born here, my son got his second life here, we got our second life here. To me, US is my home. And I was missing watching re-runs of Law & Order, sitting on my favorite recliner with my favorite scotch. After coming back, me and my brother (who too was on a two day trip to India) went for the lunch the very next day...nice juicy medium-rare steak to celebrate our home-coming.

Parents are in India, dad 87 and mom 82...living by themselves, proud and independent. They gave away their Green Card a few years back and moved back to India. For them, their heart is in central India, a few hundred miles south of Delhi. Even though a piece is still here in US!! I think I too have a small piece left in India, I am ok with it!!

[Desi]

And after two days, I was ready to come back to my son, ready to come home. Because home is where heart is. And I left my heart in San Francisco (actually about 38 miles South-East of San Francisco)!

:thup::thup:

US is my home because I came here as a 23 years old B.Com student and this country gave me education, my first job, my first lay-off, my struggle, my first pay-check, my first love, my first drinking binge, my first car, my first home. Because I have a story behind everything we have in our house, everything in our house was picked by me and my wife. My son, my daughter were born here, my son got his second life here, we got our second life here. To me, US is my home. And I was missing watching re-runs of Law & Order, sitting on my favorite recliner with my favorite scotch. After coming back, me and my brother (who too was on a two day trip to India) went for the lunch the very next day...nice juicy medium-rare steak to celebrate our home-coming.

Parents are in India, dad 87 and mom 82...living by themselves, proud and independent. They gave away their Green Card a few years back and moved back to India. For them, their heart is in central India, a few hundred miles south of Delhi. Even though a piece is still here in US!! I think I too have a small piece left in India, I am ok with it!!

:thup::thup:

[sophisticuss]

..
Parents are in India, dad 87 and mom 82...living by themselves, proud and independent. They gave away their Green Card a few years back and moved back to India. For them, their heart is in central India, a few hundred miles south of Delhi. Even though a piece is still here in US!! I think I too have a small piece left in India, I am ok with it!!

I got really confused and I had to go back and re-read the first page - fully this time ..:)