Special situation - need your thoughts

[RitzF]

Hi All

I found this forum recently and am amazed at the quality of posts around R2i and other topics. Have been reading up for several weeks now, but joined recently to post.

I have a special situation and would greatly appreciate your thoughts around what to do. Sorry for the long post, but its necessary to explain - if you have time to read up.

We live in US -family of 4 - USC / OCI. Two kids - 18 and 11 - both have some special needs. One has intellectual disability, and the younger one has physical disability. Elder one has completed school, and is taking 1 basic course at a time at a local college (to try it out), but its hard for her to cope up.Younger one is in a special ed. class in school.

R2I has been in my mind for a while due to aging parents (I am the only son), but due to kids, it seems difficult due to the facilities provided in US. Wife is also totally against r2i due to kids issues. (I understand that india also has a fair amount of special schools now, given you can pay for it, but haven't explored much).

I am close to retirement and would be getting some pension and also do some trading/investments that should be okay enough for me to retire. Still have to figure out the med insurance part though (likely Obama care until medicare kicks in).

Now this is what I want to do - and want inputs on:
I am thinking to buy an apartment in my city, furnish it and go there to stay during summers (when kids are off school). This will allow my parents (and in-laws) to stay with us and kids. Assuming I will retire and thus will have time to go for that long. Staying in parents house for that long is not feasible since it’s a smaller house, plus I don't want kids to keep shuffling between mine and wife's houses when she visits them. [We both need to be with kids most of the time, esp. with younger one, to manage him. So I either I stay in her house, or she stays in mine, or we keep shuffling together - none is a good option]

Another thought is if we like it there every year, maybe wife gets convinced for our R2I also.

Yes, I know it'll take some expense to buy/setup the house initially, but I feel its worth it.Because my kids don't get to mingle with anyone here at all (no family here), plus grandparents are lonely there too, I think both groups will be happier with this arrangement. (grand parents cannot come to US for long due to health and other reasons).
Plus, I also want the kids to get exposed to indian culture, extended family etc. to whatever extent possible.

Do you think this idea is feasible? Or its more a day-dream and a waste of money? Yes, it'll take money to setup and maintain another place in india, but I can rent that for the 9 months I'm not there.


Please share your thoughts. Thanks.

[Imissindia]

Welcome to the forum.
Your idea is workable. The only potential issues are the hot weather in India during the summer and how your kids would be treated by the extended family. Would your kids have a hard time staying a couple of months in a hot place each year? Yes, you can cool the inside of the house and can have an air conditioned car to take you to an air conditioned mall and so on but the heat still saps your energy especially if you come from a place where you are not used to it. If your family will be making a lot of excursions and likes to spend time outside for walking, going to a park, the beach etc. then this is an issue. If you guys mostly stay indoors watching TV, mingling with the family and so on, then this issue is less significant.

Next big issue is how well the kids would adapt to the extended family? Have they visited India recently? Did they like it? Were they loners or did they mingle with others? Other kids can be mean and they can make life difficult for your children. In India there is lesser awareness and acceptance of disabilities in general. However, there are many friendly and intelligent kids as well. This factor can make a lot of difference in your children enjoying their stay every summer.

Finally, every one has the right to lead their life and do what is important to them. Your children also need to adjust a little bit if it is important to you to be in India with your parents. You have to weigh the pros and cons to see if it is worth it to go forward with this plan. You can always try renting a furnished apartment or a villa in a nice gated society for one summer. Here you would have all the amenities such as manicured lawns and walking areas, pool, gym, proper parking, power and water etc. You can try it out for one summer before spending a lot of time and money on purchasing and furnishing a home.

Wishing you the best of luck with your plans.

[RitzF]

Welcome to the forum.
Your idea is workable. The only potential issues are the hot weather in India during the summer and how your kids would be treated by the extended family. Would your kids have a hard time staying a couple of months in a hot place each year? Yes, you can cool the inside of the house and can have an air conditioned car to take you to an air conditioned mall and so on but the heat still saps your energy especially if you come from a place where you are not used to it. If your family will be making a lot of excursions and likes to spend time outside for walking, going to a park, the beach etc. then this is an issue. If you guys mostly stay indoors watching TV, mingling with the family and so on, then this issue is less significant.

Next big issue is how well the kids would adapt to the extended family? Have they visited India recently? Did they like it? Were they loners or did they mingle with others? Other kids can be mean and they can make life difficult for your children. In India there is lesser awareness and acceptance of disabilities in general. However, there are many friendly and intelligent kids as well. This factor can make a lot of difference in your children enjoying their stay every summer.

Finally, every one has the right to lead their life and do what is important to them. Your children also need to adjust a little bit if it is important to you to be in India with your parents. You have to weigh the pros and cons to see if it is worth it to go forward with this plan. You can always try renting a furnished apartment or a villa in a nice gated society for one summer. Here you would have all the amenities such as manicured lawns and walking areas, pool, gym, proper parking, power and water etc. You can try it out for one summer before spending a lot of time and money on purchasing and furnishing a home.

Wishing you the best of luck with your plans.

Thanks for your response.
Yes we visited last year but for less time, so didn't have much time to meet extended family. Anyhow, interaction with extended family with be limited. Most interaction will be with granddies only, and my wife's sister (in another city that we'll visit for some time).

Yes, I was also thinking of renting for a summer first before committing, but another thought says that furnished apts are expensive to rent, so why not put that money towards purchasing directly.
Thinking of buying in such a community where we have these facilities as you mention, so these items like water/power/lawns/pool etc. are not a bottleneck.

[techynt]

This is my personal opinion:
India is a very harsh place for people with disabilities, divorced women with not so great career women, single women, widows etc..

In a sea of humanity the value of human life gets diminished hence the attitude towards the less fortunate is a bit callous if not out right eat them to survive.

I don't blame them though, if life is a struggle for existence where its supposed to be survival of the fittest, then things are set against those with disadvantages.

But your situation is kind of lose-lose. You have to also consider your and your parents happiness. Which will be greater if you R2I. Maybe I am wrong, maybe things have changed maybe people dont take advantage of disabled anymore.....

If you dont mind can you share the thoughts of your wife, as to why she is against R2I, maybe that will shed some light on things not so obvious?

I advise against buying a house unless you know for sure you are going to stay in that location. The cost of a round trip transaction is close to 30-35% (buying and selling). Not to mention renting is super cheap right now compared to buying.

Hi All

I found this forum recently and am amazed at the quality of posts around R2i and other topics. Have been reading up for several weeks now, but joined recently to post.

I have a special situation and would greatly appreciate your thoughts around what to do. Sorry for the long post, but its necessary to explain - if you have time to read up.

We live in US -family of 4 - USC / OCI. Two kids - 18 and 11 - both have some special needs. One has intellectual disability, and the younger one has physical disability. Elder one has completed school, and is taking 1 basic course at a time at a local college (to try it out), but its hard for her to cope up.Younger one is in a special ed. class in school.

R2I has been in my mind for a while due to aging parents (I am the only son), but due to kids, it seems difficult due to the facilities provided in US. Wife is also totally against r2i due to kids issues. (I understand that india also has a fair amount of special schools now, given you can pay for it, but haven't explored much).

I am close to retirement and would be getting some pension and also do some trading/investments that should be okay enough for me to retire. Still have to figure out the med insurance part though (likely Obama care until medicare kicks in).

Now this is what I want to do - and want inputs on:
I am thinking to buy an apartment in my city, furnish it and go there to stay during summers (when kids are off school). This will allow my parents (and in-laws) to stay with us and kids. Assuming I will retire and thus will have time to go for that long. Staying in parents house for that long is not feasible since it’s a smaller house, plus I don't want kids to keep shuffling between mine and wife's houses when she visits them. [We both need to be with kids most of the time, esp. with younger one, to manage him. So I either I stay in her house, or she stays in mine, or we keep shuffling together - none is a good option]

Another thought is if we like it there every year, maybe wife gets convinced for our R2I also.

Yes, I know it'll take some expense to buy/setup the house initially, but I feel its worth it.Because my kids don't get to mingle with anyone here at all (no family here), plus grandparents are lonely there too, I think both groups will be happier with this arrangement. (grand parents cannot come to US for long due to health and other reasons).
Plus, I also want the kids to get exposed to indian culture, extended family etc. to whatever extent possible.

Do you think this idea is feasible? Or its more a day-dream and a waste of money? Yes, it'll take money to setup and maintain another place in india, but I can rent that for the 9 months I'm not there.


Please share your thoughts. Thanks.

[RitzF]

This is my personal opinion:
India is a very harsh place for people with disabilities, divorced women with not so great career women, single women, widows etc..

In a sea of humanity the value of human life gets diminished hence the attitude towards the less fortunate is a bit callous if not out right eat them to survive.

I don't blame them though, if life is a struggle for existence where its supposed to be survival of the fittest, then things are set against those with disadvantages.

But your situation is kind of lose-lose. You have to also consider your and your parents happiness. Which will be greater if you R2I. Maybe I am wrong, maybe things have changed maybe people dont take advantage of disabled anymore.....

If you dont mind can you share the thoughts of your wife, as to why she is against R2I, maybe that will shed some light on things not so obvious?

I advise against buying a house unless you know for sure you are going to stay in that location. The cost of a round trip transaction is close to 30-35% (buying and selling). Not to mention renting is super cheap right now compared to buying.

The reasons wife is against are obvious. As you state, India is not the best place in terms of facilities provided for disabled folks. Here, we have schooling / classes / buses to accommodate my child. Also, due to crowd, everyone is on his own. I don't disagree with these though.
That's why trying to find a middle ground to divide the time.

But again - longer term( 5-10 years), since we don't have any family here anyway, I would definitely like to R2i anyway. by then my younger one be done with schooling etc. For long term "settlement", they can live in india, get rental/FD income etc. with at least relatives / friends etc. to monitor. Living in US alone would be real tough due to expensive medical care, dependency on car etc.
I'd like to them start knowing indian life slowly.

[r2ipune2009]

I have another friend in very similar situation. He moved back to India and has setup facilities to address the needs of special needs young adults. His best hope is to ensure that the system works and addresses needs of his kids. His parents moved in with him. It's a daily struggle.

India as a country and people need to be more aware of the needs of special needs folks. As a country we are so behind in our thoughts and thinking. I have seen this up close.

My opinion here is to stay put and build out a model to address your needs. This country is far better to address the needs of your next generation. As far as parents go, you could travel to meet them and create a social environment back home so they can be cared for. That would be easier that setting one for your kids in India.




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[indian4ev3r]

I think I could answer this question well because I, too, have a physical disability. Its true, like some people posted above, that people in India view physically disabled people differently. Despite my problem, I function like a normal person but people still look at me as if I'm different. However, I still feel at home in India whenever I visit. People may ask my Mom what happened to my hand but other than that, I'm not really treated differently. Also, there are many people who have ran up to help me when they felt I couldn't do something. I have been in America since the first grade but I truly believe that kids, whether they be normal or differentmy abled, should get a chance to thrive in our culture and experience everything it has to offer. In all honesty, I always feel better when I'm in India rather than when im2in the US and happiness is all that matters.

[RitzF]

I have another friend in very similar situation. He moved back to India and has setup facilities to address the needs of special needs young adults. His best hope is to ensure that the system works and addresses needs of his kids. His parents moved in with him. It's a daily struggle.

India as a country and people need to be more aware of the needs of special needs folks. As a country we are so behind in our thoughts and thinking. I have seen this up close.

My opinion here is to stay put and build out a model to address your needs. This country is far better to address the needs of your next generation. As far as parents go, you could travel to meet them and create a social environment back home so they can be cared for. That would be easier that setting one for your kids in India.




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You're generally right. But my point is, there is no social environment here in the US anyway - after 5+ years. My younger one would also pass out from school.

In india, people may look and think about you differently, but you have option of having a maid, taxi, even doctor at home if needed. If you're to live your own life (without going to work), and live off of rental / FD income, then IMO indian life is little easier. Assuming you have a paid-off home and some assets to live off of, and some trusted help (relatives) at least to monitor you occasionally.
In US, there's no one - what are you going to do?

[RitzF]

I think I could answer this question well because I, too, have a physical disability. Its true, like some people posted above, that people in India view physically disabled people differently. Despite my problem, I function like a normal person but people still look at me as if I'm different. However, I still feel at home in India whenever I visit. People may ask my Mom what happened to my hand but other than that, I'm not really treated differently. Also, there are many people who have ran up to help me when they felt I couldn't do something. I have been in America since the first grade but I truly believe that kids, whether they be normal or differentmy abled, should get a chance to thrive in our culture and experience everything it has to offer. In all honesty, I always feel better when I'm in India rather than when im2in the US and happiness is all that matters.

Good points. I know the indian "looks" are different, but who cares right? As long as they don't bother you.
In india, you have at least some family, festivals, culture, familiar food, and relatively easier living due to household help on various fronts.

[indian4ev3r]

If you truly find yourself happier in India in the next five years, by all means, your plan will be successful. As for me, I find myself settled in India soon after graduating. There is just too many experiences I'm missing out on living here in America.