R2I: Convincing my wife getting harder and harder day by day -Need your thoughts

[Desiguy82]

Hi,
I have been a silent viewer of this forum and of-course that means I am thinking about R2I. I am sorry for posting a long one, but have been looking for all your thoughts/help.


Here is what my case is, I am trying to be short, crisp, but covering all aspects. I am not ready to move now but I am thinking/planning to move back in 1-2 years, but as it takes planning/decision etc, and thats why I did not feel shy enough to post it here now.


Me, IT, have been in USA for 10 years, on I140, decent salary, can continue here for long.
Spouse, IT, was working in USA for 2-3 years, on H4 EAD now after our twin kids and she took an off for 1.5 years. Appearing for new jobs.


First of all why I want to R2I, did I talk to my wife or not. Yes I did. 2-3 times in last 4-5 years. Each time I talked about it, she was not ready to listen why and what I am thinking to do so when we have the option to stay back.


In our last trip to India, we went for my brother's wedding and during same time my father passed away within 18 hours of we getting him admitted to the hospital. Reason, I don't want to be so detail here, but in nutshell is when I came here to USA, the my in-laws who are in medical profession told me, they(Indian doctors) did they best they could, its just that we did not have time.


Here is what I think about R2I.


1) I want to move back to India, coz (god forbid) if my mother goes through something, I am here, I will live the rest of my life with guilt.Yes, my younger brother is there taking care of her regular hospital visits, but I think I should also take some responsibilities off my brother. I want to spent my mother's dusky days with her, making good memories with she playing with my toddler kids.


2) My Kids are 1 year old now. I think till 5-6 years there will be no problem moving back to India for them. But I want to bring them up in Indian Culture and values. I know that many eyes are questioning on my last line now. I know Kids can get spoilt there in India and here too. But I think which one is more vulnerable. Something done in some country is different from something done and accepted openly and widely in the conutry. Again I may be naive here. please share your thoughts.


3) There was a time I got admitted to ER and then in 5 days I had to undergo a surgery. My wife was 4 months pregnant, and doctor said that someone has to drive me to hospital and back home. My wife did that. Friends came (close friends) over the weekend, stayed for 2 hours, we discussed about hospitals/doctors/procedure/diet etc. Then they left, now its again I and my wife back to busine ss. So that left me with a thought if something goes wrong with me/my wife, how my wife or I would handle the situation with 2 kids?


4) My wife's grandmother is a doctor here, but old, 78 years, has 4 cars, a big bunglow house, widow. But when she comes to my place, she drives her BMW on her own and she mentioned to me how stressful it is. She cooks for herlself, eats, sleeps etc. No company. Not his own children also. I think I cant be like this, I want my retirement to be peaceful and exactly "retiring" as it means, may be having an affordable driver driving a FIAT.


I have shared the above with my wife. So each time I speak to my wife, she gets on flare. I have said its not immediate now, may be 2-3 years, I am just sharing my opinion and making you think what I think. She said why not 8-10 years and went to bedroom to avoid this discussion. My mother said no need to stay in the same city, just be in India, so that we can be couple of hours far, you can have your freedom, your job and everything. But its a NO. We have been to all good places in USA. I said lets use this 2-3 years to see places which you have not seen,
and then also do technical certifications so that we can negotiate more in India. Still No. One of household help from my town home is ready to come to any place in India and stay with us, who will cook, clean, do dishes, take care of kids etc. Still NO.




I think its the experience that gives you happiness, not the possession (copy paste from internet article). Each time I drove a new car, listened to a new music system, or watched my big home theater, I enjoyed it, no doubt, but for very short time, then it became a regular thing. But I still remember how I felt being with my mother to a new place, or how it felt when I surprised my wife with a bday gift or so on.


Long story huh? Need your thoughts. Please.

[RitzF]

Hi,
I have been a silent viewer of this forum and of-course that means I am thinking about R2I. I am sorry for posting a long one, but have been looking for all your thoughts/help.


Here is what my case is, I am trying to be short, crisp, but covering all aspects. I am not ready to move now but I am thinking/planning to move back in 1-2 years, but as it takes planning/decision etc, and thats why I did not feel shy enough to post it here now.


Me, IT, have been in USA for 10 years, on I140, decent salary, can continue here for long.
Spouse, IT, was working in USA for 2-3 years, on H4 EAD now after our twin kids and she took an off for 1.5 years. Appearing for new jobs.


First of all why I want to R2I, did I talk to my wife or not. Yes I did. 2-3 times in last 4-5 years. Each time I talked about it, she was not ready to listen why and what I am thinking to do so when we have the option to stay back.


In our last trip to India, we went for my brother's wedding and during same time my father passed away within 18 hours of we getting him admitted to the hospital. Reason, I don't want to be so detail here, but in nutshell is when I came here to USA, the my in-laws who are in medical profession told me, they(Indian doctors) did they best they could, its just that we did not have time.


Here is what I think about R2I.


1) I want to move back to India, coz (god forbid) if my mother goes through something, I am here, I will live the rest of my life with guilt.Yes, my younger brother is there taking care of her regular hospital visits, but I think I should also take some responsibilities off my brother. I want to spent my mother's dusky days with her, making good memories with she playing with my toddler kids.


2) My Kids are 1 year old now. I think till 5-6 years there will be no problem moving back to India for them. But I want to bring them up in Indian Culture and values. I know that many eyes are questioning on my last line now. I know Kids can get spoilt there in India and here too. But I think which one is more vulnerable. Something done in some country is different from something done and accepted openly and widely in the conutry. Again I may be naive here. please share your thoughts.


3) There was a time I got admitted to ER and then in 5 days I had to undergo a surgery. My wife was 4 months pregnant, and doctor said that someone has to drive me to hospital and back home. My wife did that. Friends came (close friends) over the weekend, stayed for 2 hours, we discussed about hospitals/doctors/procedure/diet etc. Then they left, now its again I and my wife back to busine ss. So that left me with a thought if something goes wrong with me/my wife, how my wife or I would handle the situation with 2 kids?


4) My wife's grandmother is a doctor here, but old, 78 years, has 4 cars, a big bunglow house, widow. But when she comes to my place, she drives her BMW on her own and she mentioned to me how stressful it is. She cooks for herlself, eats, sleeps etc. No company. Not his own children also. I think I cant be like this, I want my retirement to be peaceful and exactly "retiring" as it means, may be having an affordable driver driving a FIAT.


I have shared the above with my wife. So each time I speak to my wife, she gets on flare. I have said its not immediate now, may be 2-3 years, I am just sharing my opinion and making you think what I think. She said why not 8-10 years and went to bedroom to avoid this discussion. My mother said no need to stay in the same city, just be in India, so that we can be couple of hours far, you can have your freedom, your job and everything. But its a NO. We have been to all good places in USA. I said lets use this 2-3 years to see places which you have not seen,
and then also do technical certifications so that we can negotiate more in India. Still No. One of household help from my town home is ready to come to any place in India and stay with us, who will cook, clean, do dishes, take care of kids etc. Still NO.




I think its the experience that gives you happiness, not the possession (copy paste from internet article). Each time I drove a new car, listened to a new music system, or watched my big home theater, I enjoyed it, no doubt, but for very short time, then it became a regular thing. But I still remember how I felt being with my mother to a new place, or how it felt when I surprised my wife with a bday gift or so on.


Long story huh? Need your thoughts. Please.

Trust me, you're not alone :).
anyhow, what do your in-laws say? Try to talk to them and get their thoughts. Get some base established in india, e.g. some job contacts, house or something that establishes some roots.

What's her reason for not going back? not wanting to stay with your family? money? western lifestyle? try to understand the core problem and see what you can do to mitigate it

[Trafford]

Hello DSG82


Welcome to the forum !!

I can totally understand and relate to your situation. I suspect (pls correct me if I am wrong) - Does your wife has her parents or brothers or sisters or cousins living in USA? If thats the case then it will be too difficult to convince her to move to India.

If that is not the case and if her parents & siblings are back in India then you should be able to convince with some effort. Give time until she starts feeling boredom of same routine or efforts to bring up 2 kids on own etc However I don't know why but I strongly suspect that your wife must have siblings/ parents / cousins living close by in USA and that might be the cold reason for R2I

Rgds

Hi,
I have been a silent viewer of this forum and of-course that means I am thinking about R2I. I am sorry for posting a long one, but have been looking for all your thoughts/help.


Here is what my case is, I am trying to be short, crisp, but covering all aspects. I am not ready to move now but I am thinking/planning to move back in 1-2 years, but as it takes planning/decision etc, and thats why I did not feel shy enough to post it here now.


Me, IT, have been in USA for 10 years, on I140, decent salary, can continue here for long.
Spouse, IT, was working in USA for 2-3 years, on H4 EAD now after our twin kids and she took an off for 1.5 years. Appearing for new jobs.


First of all why I want to R2I, did I talk to my wife or not. Yes I did. 2-3 times in last 4-5 years. Each time I talked about it, she was not ready to listen why and what I am thinking to do so when we have the option to stay back.


In our last trip to India, we went for my brother's wedding and during same time my father passed away within 18 hours of we getting him admitted to the hospital. Reason, I don't want to be so detail here, but in nutshell is when I came here to USA, the my in-laws who are in medical profession told me, they(Indian doctors) did they best they could, its just that we did not have time.


Here is what I think about R2I.


1) I want to move back to India, coz (god forbid) if my mother goes through something, I am here, I will live the rest of my life with guilt.Yes, my younger brother is there taking care of her regular hospital visits, but I think I should also take some responsibilities off my brother. I want to spent my mother's dusky days with her, making good memories with she playing with my toddler kids.


2) My Kids are 1 year old now. I think till 5-6 years there will be no problem moving back to India for them. But I want to bring them up in Indian Culture and values. I know that many eyes are questioning on my last line now. I know Kids can get spoilt there in India and here too. But I think which one is more vulnerable. Something done in some country is different from something done and accepted openly and widely in the conutry. Again I may be naive here. please share your thoughts.


3) There was a time I got admitted to ER and then in 5 days I had to undergo a surgery. My wife was 4 months pregnant, and doctor said that someone has to drive me to hospital and back home. My wife did that. Friends came (close friends) over the weekend, stayed for 2 hours, we discussed about hospitals/doctors/procedure/diet etc. Then they left, now its again I and my wife back to busine ss. So that left me with a thought if something goes wrong with me/my wife, how my wife or I would handle the situation with 2 kids?


4) My wife's grandmother is a doctor here, but old, 78 years, has 4 cars, a big bunglow house, widow. But when she comes to my place, she drives her BMW on her own and she mentioned to me how stressful it is. She cooks for herlself, eats, sleeps etc. No company. Not his own children also. I think I cant be like this, I want my retirement to be peaceful and exactly "retiring" as it means, may be having an affordable driver driving a FIAT.


I have shared the above with my wife. So each time I speak to my wife, she gets on flare. I have said its not immediate now, may be 2-3 years, I am just sharing my opinion and making you think what I think. She said why not 8-10 years and went to bedroom to avoid this discussion. My mother said no need to stay in the same city, just be in India, so that we can be couple of hours far, you can have your freedom, your job and everything. But its a NO. We have been to all good places in USA. I said lets use this 2-3 years to see places which you have not seen,
and then also do technical certifications so that we can negotiate more in India. Still No. One of household help from my town home is ready to come to any place in India and stay with us, who will cook, clean, do dishes, take care of kids etc. Still NO.




I think its the experience that gives you happiness, not the possession (copy paste from internet article). Each time I drove a new car, listened to a new music system, or watched my big home theater, I enjoyed it, no doubt, but for very short time, then it became a regular thing. But I still remember how I felt being with my mother to a new place, or how it felt when I surprised my wife with a bday gift or so on.


Long story huh? Need your thoughts. Please.

[punjabi]

I am in the same boat. Everytime I talk about r2i my wife mentions the same old pollution,corruption,traffic,heat,education system in india etc
Nothing i can do about that.

[okonomi]

........
Long story huh? Need your thoughts. Please.

I am in the same boat. Everytime I talk about r2i my wife mentions the same old pollution,corruption,traffic,heat,education system in india etc
Nothing i can do about that.

It is election season in the USA. We have been talking about "the lesser of the two evils" these days.

It is not a "nothing" to have decided to do one or the other.
How about this platitude for an optimistic thought ?:

My wife's grandmother is a doctor here, but old, 78 years, has 4 cars, a big bunglow house, widow. But when she comes to my place, she drives her BMW on her own and she mentioned to me how stressful it is. She cooks for herlself, eats, sleeps etc. No company. Not his own children also. I think I cant be like this,...

Here is an opportunity to take that stressful Beemer off her hand, and occasionally drive some company+food to her place.

IMO, the mother of two kids in India has one son looking after her; the mother of two kids in the USA need the other son to look after her. This happy division of labor would be happy for all.

[Desiguy82]

RitzF,
thanks for responding. I will try to get to the reason again and again. Lets see.

[okonomi]

Trust me, you're not alone :).
........
What's her reason for not going back? not wanting to stay with your family? money? western lifestyle? try to understand the core problem and see what you can do to mitigate it

RitzF,
thanks for responding. I will try to get to the reason again and again. Lets see.

Again and again ? How frequently do you have an R2I discussion with your wife that results in a flare, and exit to get away from your face ?:[QUOTE]Originally Posted by Desiguy82 ..... So each time I speak to my wife, she gets on flare. I have said its not immediate now, may be 2-3 years, I am just sharing my opinion and making you think what I think. She said why not 8-10 years and went to bedroom to avoid this discussion.
The effects of such discussions tend to be cumulative. Just like the OP discussing the nuclear family's disagreements with an internet forum, the Mrs. OP could be discussing the matter with her friends or her forum, getting suitable advice.
Going at it "again and again" is self destructive behavior.

[dbs]

.... Going at it "again and again" is self destructive behavior.

Listen to feminine wisdom. Let it rest for some time.

Sadly DW does not visit the forum.

[Desiguy82]

Again and again ? How frequently do you have an R2I discussion with your wife that results in a flare, and exit to get away from your face ?:
The effects of such discussions tend to be cumulative. Just like the OP discussing the nuclear family's disagreements with an internet forum, the Mrs. OP could be discussing the matter with her friends or her forum, getting suitable advice.
Going at it "again and again" is self destructive behavior.

Thanks for responding Okonomi. I ahave had discussed this with DW 4 times and each time it got into flares and she exited. I think I see your point of it being cumulative and that she might have her own circle to give suitable advice and i will take that to acoount. In this case what's your thoughts? I am sorry not to agree with your "1 son taking care" logic, coz just for the argument sake my brother will have a kid tomorrow or so, then in that case that 1 son has to take care of mother and his son. What about the sons who are taking care be it the one who is acting in india or here in usa? Again I am not sure of the thought of disecting the family and take care of what you can depending on your privileged circumstances. I may sound naive here, but it's just my thoughts.

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[Desiguy82]

Listen to feminine wisdom. Let it rest for some time.

Sadly DW does not visit the forum.

Thanks dbs, I think I should let it rest for some time for now.

Any other members, please share your thoughts?

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