Ideal Age Gap Between Kids

sriradh · Post by **sriradh** » Tue Mar 23, 2010 7:30 pm

Hi all,

I am 31 and my wife is 28 and we have a 19 month old. We just came to know that my wife is pregnant again. We really have a lot of mixed emotions. Happy about the new arrival but we are really worried a bunch of things:

(1) We are really worried that our 19 month old will lose all his pampering/attention because of our new baby.

(2) Actually we find it too early for us.(Is 31 and 29 ...too early to go for 2 kids) ..And is the 26-28 month gap between kids also is too early?

(3) It is definitely a hugge responsibility , a huge family. Think twice about doing anything/making any decision.

(4) My wife quit her job when she was 6 months pregnant when she was carrying my son and planned to restart may be in the next 6 months. Now, seems like it is never going to happen..(another 2/3 yrs with the little one..and after that it'd be all too late)

(5) Financially we need to be lot more stable because of lot more responsibilities.

(6) Before our first kid, we almost traveled to most of the places around US and it reduced a bit after my son...so we were thinking that we should take him to all those places again...now..with another little one...not sure ..

Gurus, what we really want to hear from you is.... how do you think we should be managing. Is 26-28 month gap between kids too less? How did you manage these? Is 31 yrs of age,too early to take such a huge responsibility? Also how did you manage the first kid..please share your thoughts...We're really looking at opinions for us to get prepared for the little one..

thanks,
sriradh.

My Roots · Post by **My Roots** » Tue Mar 23, 2010 7:40 pm

This topic has been discussed both in social group and in main forum.

Any volunteers to find main forum thread.
I can't locate it even though I posted in that thread?

Added later:
May be this will give you some pointers
Is it good to have kids when couple is young

theMan · Post by **theMan** » Tue Mar 23, 2010 7:42 pm

First of all congratulations and definitely don't let these worrying thoughts get to your wife at this stage.

sriradh;271778

I am 31 and my wife is 28 and we have a 19 month old. We just came to know that my wife is pregnant again. We really have a lot of mixed emotions. Happy because of the new arrival but we are really worried a bunch of things:

(1) We are really worried that our 19 month old will lose all his pampering/attention because of our new baby.--> Not really. You can control this.

(2) Actually we find it too early for us.(Is 31 and 29 ...too early to go for 2 kids) ..And is the 26-28 month gap between kids also is too early?--> Why do you find it early? Is there a milestone to reach before having second child? IMO, 26-28 months is not too early, but ideal.

(3) It is definitely a hugge responsibility , a huge family. Think twice about doing anything/making any decision. --> It is a huge responsibility, but not much different when you were with one kid.

(4) My wife quit her job when she was 6 months pregnant when she was carrying my son and planned to restart may be in the next 6 months. Now, seems like it is never going to happen..(another 2/3 yrs with the little one..and after that it'd be all too late)
--> Happens , but not the end of the world
(5) Financially we need to be lot more stable because of lot more responsibilities.-->Obvious

(6) Before our first kid, we almost traveled to most of the places around US and it reduced a bit after my son...so we were thinking that we should take him to all those places again...now..with another little one...not sure .. --> Wait for a year and you can do all this with two kids also. Sure, it is going to be different, but exciting nonetheless.

sriradh · Post by **sriradh** » Tue Mar 23, 2010 8:17 pm

Thanks theMan.

And MR, thanks for pointing me to the post. it does explain me a lot of stuff.

My Roots · Post by **My Roots** » Tue Mar 23, 2010 8:20 pm

#4 , I think it is good of we merge the two threads. Let me know if you want your thread by itself.

dbs · Post by **dbs** » Tue Mar 23, 2010 8:41 pm

Well, it happenned to us. We are not sorry that we carried on. But then, we were in India.

OurGen-X · Post by **OurGen-X** » Tue Mar 23, 2010 8:53 pm

OP,

It's really not an issue, IMO. In fact, having 2 kids that are closer in age will be very convienient in many aspects in the long run. Look at it this way, in a couple or so years, you will be done taking care of babies in diapers and will have toddlers to enjoy. The kids will also have each other to play with.

Just make sure #3 doesn't happen too soon, then you're in big trouble! :wink

M V · Post by **M V** » Tue Mar 23, 2010 9:33 pm

Congratulations!

sriradh;271778
(1) We are really worried that our 19 month old will lose all his pampering/attention because of our new baby. [/quote]
Older kids definitely need special attention around the time of the birth of younger sibling. At 26-28 months, this need will be a bit higher than if he was a little older like 3 or 3.5 and going to preschool for a few hours. But, if the mother is at home, this need not be that big of an issue, as time is not so much at a premium. Potty-training of the older one may want to be tried well before the new baby arrives or after the new baby is at least 3-4 months old and older child has had time to adjust to having a sibling.

[quote](2) Actually we find it too early for us.(Is 31 and 29 ...too early to go for 2 kids) ..And is the 26-28 month gap between kids also is too early? [/quote]
Is it early for mom and dad depends on what they want or wanted to accomplish and their general plans. The gap between kids is just about right. Used to be that 3 years was considered a good gap, but of late, I have seen more parents going for 2 yrs gap or even less, as it makes the early years of intensive parenting go by faster.

[quote](3) It is definitely a hugge responsibility , a huge family. Think twice about doing anything/making any decision. [/quote]
The feeling of we will be more settled x years from now and better prepared for more responsibility is constant. Thinking twice before any decision might be good in a way.

[quote](4) My wife quit her job when she was 6 months pregnant when she was carrying my son and planned to restart may be in the next 6 months. Now, seems like it is never going to happen..(another 2/3 yrs with the little one..and after that it'd be all too late) [/quote]
Two smaller gaps to take care of each child in its initial 1-2 years versus one biggish break to be done with initial years of both kids - there are pros and cons of each. Generally, parents are better experienced when second one arrives; second kid has the advantage of having an older sibling for playmate, so mom can plan to go back to work earlier after second kid than after first one. Many women go to work within weeks or months of baby's birth. If finances and career plans need going back to work within a few weeks or months, so be it. My older kid went to daycare starting at 6 weeks. My younger one could talk before he was left at a babysitter. Both are fine. One does what one has to do at a given time : )

[quote](6) Before our first kid, we almost traveled to most of the places around US and it reduced a bit after my son...so we were thinking that we should take him to all those places again...now..with another little one...not sure .. [/quote]
We went through this dilemma too. Any places we plan to visit that involve some planning and effort, we used to feel - let first kid be a bit older, then we thought second one is still too young. We either re-did some places in the U.S. or plan to go when both kids are old enough to enjoy and understand the destination.
[quote]
Gurus, what we really want to hear from you is.... how do you think we should be managing. Is 26-28 month gap between kids too less? How did you manage these? Is 31 yrs of age,too early to take such a huge responsibility? Also how did you manage the first kid..please share your thoughts...We're really looking at opinions for us to get prepared for the little one.. [/quote]
I really think the kids do fine, it is the parents that need pampering : ) A nanny that comes in for 2-3 hours a day helps.

sumachechi · Post by **sumachechi** » Tue Mar 23, 2010 10:01 pm

Sriradh
There is really no magic formula here. Some things in life are InshaAllah! (God willed!)
I think both of you just need to get used to the news and the added sense of responsibility it brings. Are we all glad that pregnancy takes 9 months plus? If you ask me, one month from now, both of you will have got used to the idea and be looking forward to it. Lots of people have coped with smaller gaps as well- Iam sure you will too.
Congratulations - and hope she keeps well throughout.

sriradh · Post by **sriradh** » Tue Mar 23, 2010 10:27 pm

Thanks everyone for our kind replies. The reason for my post is...When we prayed God last night...we asked God (thinking that somehow we will get an answer - so am asking the same in the forum) - 'Tell us one advantage of having another kid now...' ..and really glad to see different aspects of having 2 kids sooner..

My wife is really not able to 'enjoy' this as she thinks she will start losing attention on the elder one. I convinced her that we will get our parents to take turns to take care of them (she for whatever reason is not ok to send kids to day care) but she doesnt want to do that either. She says she wants to take care of her kids by 'herself'...she feels she cant do justice to both the kids. And since last night (yesterday morning is when we went to the doc to get it confirmed) she has a feeling that our new baby has come to separate her and our son.

Parents - did you all feel the same? Even am worried about this...I know life has to move on and start enjoying the arrival of the little one...but did you also feel the same ?

Also, in our friends circle (am talking 10-15 families of our age who we are close with) they look a lot of time to go for even the first kid...and am not even sure if they'll even go for the second kid (even we weren't sure if we would have gone for the second kid). So did we make a 'mistake'? Reason am asking this is..we were a normal middle class family in India when we came to US..God's grace we have decent amount of saving and was kinda convinced that if we want to go back now, we can have a 'decent' upper middle class life...But now with 2 kids, started getting a feeling that we will be 'pushed' back to the lower-average 'middle-class' section.

thanks for all your responses...