R2I or Bring Parents to US

[goomsoom]

I have 2 friends and both are USC.
One is waiting for his parents greencard and plans to bring them here as soon as their GC is approved.
Other friend says its very difficult for parents to adjust here and for him to pay the medical insurance etc.
Both are almost from the same background in terms of financial status,family background, number of siblings,parents age/health etc.

When i listen to them, they both sound correct which is confusing me to decide for myself. any inputs on this aspect.

Thanks

[My Roots]

Did they check with parents? What do they say about relocating to USA?

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Posted as member

[OurGen-X]

Did they check with parents? What do they say about relocating to USA?

That's the key! It all boils down to what and how parents feel about life abroad!

Although, some parents wouldn't dream of uprooting themselves from familiar surroundings and going to an alien land, many parents of friends and neighbors that I have talked to have been very honest about appreciating the finer aspects of life here. They do appreciate the quiet, calm and cleaner air, surroundings and the order of things around here.

That said, parents sometimes tend to withdraw into a "shell" when they realize that they have to "depend" on their children and are unable to act independently. This itself can become the biggest bone of contention in their lives which would soon result in bitterness and resentment of having to stay here. IMO, this is not a problem that cannot be overcome. Just as how we want our children to grow up as strong and independent beings, it is our duty to ease the transition for our parents who come here by empowering them with suitable authority and responsibility that will make them feel comfortable.

During earlier visits, I've taken my mom and mom-in-law to the local library and gotten them to borrow books or even spend some time by themselves reading while I run errands. That gives them a good break to be able to get out of the house. There are several community centers or even the YMCAs in the neighboorhood that offers different interesting programmes for senior citizens that we can enroll them as "program members". Again, it all depends on the level of comfort the parents feel in joining or participating in such programs. But if parents are willing, and in most cases they are - it's just that we are sometimes in denial that they are not, it doesn't hurt to gently nudge or encourage them to assimilate with the culture and way of life to a degree that they are comfortable with.

Bottomline: Have a tete-a-tete conversation with your parents. You will be surprised to learn more about them when they truly open up to let you know how they feel!

[KirKS]

When i listen to them, they both sound correct which is confusing me to decide for myself. any inputs on this aspect.

Everyone is correct in their analysis, based on the factors they use to decipher a situation.

Bringing parents to US:

The big advantage here is that a well established employment & educational (kids) situation need not be uprooted.

You can keep making more money & reach whatever US goals you had for which you actually settled in US

In most desi localities in US, parents would get enough opportunity to feel 'at home', if you plan well. They have community centers, temples/places of worship

On the con side, they would have hard time with weather in most parts

Immobile - Always depending on your family to move around

Medical costs are prohibitory. This is a very important concern to address

They would miss your siblings or relatives in India, that they would have met frequently. Once a year trip is not enough

In some cases, their free movement & longer stay abroad would be affected due to immigration restrictions

R2I-ing to take care of parents:

The big disadvantage here is that a well established employment & educational (kids) situation needs to be uprooted.

Your US goals are cut short & income potential would be downgraded significantly

Children may resist. Future US education for kids may be at jeopardy considering immigration restrictions.

Spouse may resist. If this is a MIL - DIL issue, your mental peace is going to evaporate

You may not adjust yourself unless you wanted to R2I at some point in future

The big advantage for your parents is that you are not shaking them up off their 'comfort zone' in the old age. This is HUGE

Weather is not an issue for them. They are used to it along with other factors

As mobile as before

Medical costs are much more affordable. In some cases, it is 10 times or more cheaper

They won't miss your siblings or relatives in India

Taking care of parents remotely:

The big disadvantage here is that you need to keep making frequent trips and/or depend upon siblings, third party services to take care of them

Your US goals are are intact, but peace of mind would be at its worst

The big advantage for your parents is that you are not shaking them up off their 'comfort zone' in the old age. But at the same time, they aren't getting the help one needs to give them in old age in person. Remember, they long to be with their son/daughter's family.

Weather is not an issue for them. They are used to it along with other factors

Mobile as before

If they are flexible & in reasonable health, they can actually make trips to US also, so there are more permutations available to stay with each other more than a few weeks in a year.

Medical costs are much more affordable. In some cases, it is 10 times or more cheaper

They won't miss your siblings or relatives in India

There are more factors to analyze, but these are at top of my head. I don't see why anyone can't pick up any option if they are at peace with the situation, with a long term horizon in mind.

The easiest (for you) is the first option, if the parents are in reasonable health conditions & also flexible.
The next easy option is to R2I if one is anyway going to do in the future. Just accelerate it.
The third option is what most do when they are caught in the middle, but based on the pulse check in this forum, that's the hardest emotionally.

[PeterGriffin]

Admin - Can you please make the below post an article or even better to make it sticky. This is really good info!

[Paddy Greets]

Challenge or Contentment

My friend, if you want to progress in life, have the courage and determination to take on challenges

please continue to tread the path. Parents do need to make adjustments. With so much of hardwork

effort and determination you have moved the ladder. I have seen/ met many NRI Parents, they seem

to take pride in the joy of being able to spend time with their children, despite the small troubles they

encounter and the joy of spending a full quality weekend time, long drives etc., You become a historian

when you return to India and talk about your US experience and find the wide variance and live in a dilemma.

We all love to transform India and if you want to come with that emotion of being part of the Transformation

and gleefully accept the challenges and see a Sense of Purpose, then your home coming because it becomes

easier to convince yourself first , before convincing the rest of the crowd in the world.

In India, days and weekends are merged into work and as some one rightly pointed out work home balance

is there are only 2 aspects - either you are at work or at home: hobbies, social life etc., are a super luxury.

[rmanoj]

Everything that needs to be said has been said by KirKS (thanks!).
The only thing I have is to add is my own decision. We had the same dilemma and we chose to R2I. Medical cost and NOT having to force parent to adjust to a new way of life were the primary reasons.

[VA_INDIAN]

I feel parents would want to live with their kids, but they too have their own lives. Kids bringing parents to US would be more of a force on parents rather than their natural will. Someone who has lived almost entire life in India and getting adjusted to weather, customs, social life and being totally dependent on kids in terms of going out etc most of the times would or can be difficult.

Everything that needs to be said has been said by KirKS (thanks!).
The only thing I have is to add is my own decision. We had the same dilemma and we chose to R2I. Medical cost and NOT having to force parent to adjust to a new way of life were the primary reasons.

[roxstar]

When i turned USC few years back the first thing i did was to apply for GC for my parents. Now they spend majority if not all their time here in the US. We love it and they love it. I will add that my parents are retired and generally quite cosmpolitan and have in their working days spent a lot of time in foreign postings so for them to adjust to live in the West was a lot easier. Both are now well involved in local community centers, libraries etc. I am already working to have one of them get a drivers license here.

I will caution that overall this arrangement does not work for everyone. Sometimes parents hate living in the US. I know normal youngsters who feel like fishes out of water here, so i can only imagine the plight of elders!, Sometimes Kids dont want parents around because they fear loosing privacy and independence, sometimes parents have health issues, sometimes parents are still working and the idea of them coming here is impractical, sometimes kids find the whole burden of paying insurance and other costs a bit too much, sometimes parents and kids just dont get along, sometimes the kids themselves have not adjusted/assimilated/settled well enough here to get their parents to live here with them. So to make this arrangement work is not easy and you got to get lucky to make it work.

I feel parents would want to live with their kids, but they too have their own lives. Kids bringing parents to US would be more of a force on parents rather than their natural will. Someone who has lived almost entire life in India and getting adjusted to weather, customs, social life and being totally dependent on kids in terms of going out etc most of the times would or can be difficult.

[BeeAndButterfly]

Pretty cool it worked out for you roxstar. Win-win for you and your parents.

How did you work around the medical insurance bit?