Hello All,
This is my first post in this forum, so please bear with my scattered thought process. Like most of us, I also think about R2Iing, but don't have any major plans as of now. Going through X+1 syndrome. The posts here are really useful and informitive. I am in a stage of weighing the pros and cons of moving back. But didn't reach any conclusion as of now. The things which alure me going back are the "choti choti yaaden" with big impacts as some one has rightly put in one of the forums. The beautiful memories that we preserve so dearly from our 3 weeks once a year visit to India. The things that scare me are the traffic, working hours at Indian companies, getting adjusted to live with my in-laws etc. I know I am not the only person going through this, most of us are. I would like to hear all the women's perspective who have either R2Ied or are planning for the same.
Thanks to all of you.
Seeking Women r2iers
Seeking Women r2iers
I will give you my wife's perspective:
A few years ago, she was ready to pack and go to India, had I said YES. I did not. Now, watching the kids grow well here, frequent trips from her parents, well settled nest and friends and life of her own here, she is content to threaten that when I am 60 (I tease her that her retirement is based on my age) and the kids are adults, she will return to India, and that I can join her if I want to or rot wherever I want to. :)
Her dream now (I tease her about it) is to settle in a small town or hill station in India (we have taken some steps to prepare for it), and when she is old, her daughter/son to be posted as key US diplomat to India (we will not force career choices), to visit her home in her small town in a big black car, dismiss nosy reporters who ask what the diplomat is visiting a small town for, by saying it is personal, and ask her to make "Chana-Poori" or "Raajma-Rice" and then go back to work. Later when neighbors ask her about the visit and why she had not mentioned about her child's official position earlier, she will act non-chalant and cool and not brag about her daughter/son's position :)
A few years ago, she was ready to pack and go to India, had I said YES. I did not. Now, watching the kids grow well here, frequent trips from her parents, well settled nest and friends and life of her own here, she is content to threaten that when I am 60 (I tease her that her retirement is based on my age) and the kids are adults, she will return to India, and that I can join her if I want to or rot wherever I want to. :)
Her dream now (I tease her about it) is to settle in a small town or hill station in India (we have taken some steps to prepare for it), and when she is old, her daughter/son to be posted as key US diplomat to India (we will not force career choices), to visit her home in her small town in a big black car, dismiss nosy reporters who ask what the diplomat is visiting a small town for, by saying it is personal, and ask her to make "Chana-Poori" or "Raajma-Rice" and then go back to work. Later when neighbors ask her about the visit and why she had not mentioned about her child's official position earlier, she will act non-chalant and cool and not brag about her daughter/son's position :)
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Chicago Desi
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Seeking Women r2iers
#2,
I like the level of your/her planning. :emwink:
I like the level of your/her planning. :emwink:
Seeking Women r2iers
Isn't that interesting.. my hubby always tells me as a kid he often dreamed of coming back in his small village in a big car with black goggles on and no one including his mom would recognize.. and he'll surprise them by acting very down to earth.. :).
Having said that... that's one perspective we often think of. Both our parents have 10 yrs multiple entry visa, so they can keep visiting us alternately every 6 mths and we can spend all our vacations in India and enjoy best of both worlds.. but then we go to malls and all and see the teenagers there, we get scared thinking of our little princess. I know in India things are changing at a very fast pace in big cities.. so for me, it's like going back to a small town.. start some business.. invest money in such way to get some regular returns and secure our future and kids education fund. But we both understand it's not as easy. As most of the SW professional my hubby aspires to open his company and give some global products, whereas I will be happy with something enuf to hv a cofortable present and secured future...
Well... wish you good luck for your future plans. :).
Having said that... that's one perspective we often think of. Both our parents have 10 yrs multiple entry visa, so they can keep visiting us alternately every 6 mths and we can spend all our vacations in India and enjoy best of both worlds.. but then we go to malls and all and see the teenagers there, we get scared thinking of our little princess. I know in India things are changing at a very fast pace in big cities.. so for me, it's like going back to a small town.. start some business.. invest money in such way to get some regular returns and secure our future and kids education fund. But we both understand it's not as easy. As most of the SW professional my hubby aspires to open his company and give some global products, whereas I will be happy with something enuf to hv a cofortable present and secured future...
Well... wish you good luck for your future plans. :).
Seeking Women r2iers
Regarding the "choti choti yaaden" in OP's post:
When I was in India, our neighbor's daughter left for the US, and later in a letter to her mom, some of whose contents her mom shared with us, she mentioned that she missed sitting on the cot in the verandah with the warm winter sun on her back, sipping chai, reaching out for "namkeen", and gup-shupping for hours with friends, family and neighbors, and wondered if those "fursat ke din" days will ever return.
After I became an adult, I visited (even before I came to the US) the Hyd colony where I grew up and found that things (people and spots) were not the same - in fact, I had some difficulty recognizing what shd have been familiar spots/"addas".
I dont think those days will ever return. The future beckons and it is upto us to make it great.
Perhaps it is easy for me to say the above coz I have never considered any particular place home nor felt alienated by any place. As for missing relatives, I go by the adage "If we can make our friends our relatives, and our relatives our friends, life will be fine"
When I was in India, our neighbor's daughter left for the US, and later in a letter to her mom, some of whose contents her mom shared with us, she mentioned that she missed sitting on the cot in the verandah with the warm winter sun on her back, sipping chai, reaching out for "namkeen", and gup-shupping for hours with friends, family and neighbors, and wondered if those "fursat ke din" days will ever return.
After I became an adult, I visited (even before I came to the US) the Hyd colony where I grew up and found that things (people and spots) were not the same - in fact, I had some difficulty recognizing what shd have been familiar spots/"addas".
I dont think those days will ever return. The future beckons and it is upto us to make it great.
Perhaps it is easy for me to say the above coz I have never considered any particular place home nor felt alienated by any place. As for missing relatives, I go by the adage "If we can make our friends our relatives, and our relatives our friends, life will be fine"
Seeking Women r2iers
Yeah.. I totally understand what you mean. But I am from a very small town. When I go back there, very little has changed since I left. There have been some unpleasant changes since I left, but then they got replaced by something more exciting. That's the reason, the decision is so difficult for me. When I talk about India it's not the politics that comes to my mind, neither does corruption and not the progress that has happened in last few years. For me India is my caring elder brother, my loving sister and their little kids. For me India is all my cousines with whom I spend the best yrs of my life. For me India is that small town where I grew up... As much as it attracts me, it's the biggest roadblock as well due to lack of opportunities. Well, I know it sounds ironic, but that's what it is. I want my town to progress but deep down resist every change that happen. :).
Seeking Women r2iers
Hi Dreamland,
I am in the same boat as you, still planning. Up until a year back I was holding myself back to r2i because of the same reasons that you mentioned traffic, civic sense, living with in-laws etc.. but then I realized who am I kidding I dont have the peace of mind living here, i found myself constantly thinking about my parents and siblings, I often find myself dreaming about the next time I will get together and enjoy the gup-shup, chai, shopping, festivals etc. Most importantly, I feel helpess when anyone of them is going through a hard time in life be it health or relationships COZ I cant be there to support them.
I felt that I was sick of living an incomplete life, you know what i mean? I dont want to worry about future, I want to be close to my family and can totally understand my husbands feelings towards his parents and siblings.
However, cannot even imagine living with in-laws, we have a decent relationship but everytime we tried to live together we ended up giving each other some heartache so this time I spoke to my husband openly about the issue.
I figurered why should I deprive myself of the pleasure of being close to my friends and family for all the other reasons. Me and my husband discussed the issues and came to a conclusion that we will go back to live close to both our parents but not live with them in the same house. There is always a happy medium, it may require some compromise like living with the traffic, pollution etc but at the end of the day I will at least have the peace of mind. We are planning to go back home in early 2009.
Hope this helps!
Take care
I am in the same boat as you, still planning. Up until a year back I was holding myself back to r2i because of the same reasons that you mentioned traffic, civic sense, living with in-laws etc.. but then I realized who am I kidding I dont have the peace of mind living here, i found myself constantly thinking about my parents and siblings, I often find myself dreaming about the next time I will get together and enjoy the gup-shup, chai, shopping, festivals etc. Most importantly, I feel helpess when anyone of them is going through a hard time in life be it health or relationships COZ I cant be there to support them.
I felt that I was sick of living an incomplete life, you know what i mean? I dont want to worry about future, I want to be close to my family and can totally understand my husbands feelings towards his parents and siblings.
However, cannot even imagine living with in-laws, we have a decent relationship but everytime we tried to live together we ended up giving each other some heartache so this time I spoke to my husband openly about the issue.
I figurered why should I deprive myself of the pleasure of being close to my friends and family for all the other reasons. Me and my husband discussed the issues and came to a conclusion that we will go back to live close to both our parents but not live with them in the same house. There is always a happy medium, it may require some compromise like living with the traffic, pollution etc but at the end of the day I will at least have the peace of mind. We are planning to go back home in early 2009.
Hope this helps!
Take care
Seeking Women r2iers
Hey Kiki,
Well, I am glad that you guys have made up your mind. In my case, it won't be that easy though. In my case, it's practically impossible to convince my hubby of living seperately from my in-laws. He has this guilt feeling that he's doing injustice to them by living away from them and wants to make up for all these yrs by living with them. I will be perfectly alright living in close by, but in a different house. Anyways, my in-laws will be visiting us for the first time in this March. I am waiting for them to come here and stay with us. That will give me some more time to think over and see how it works out.
I don't mind pollution and all... that's a very small price we have to pay for being in our own land close to our dear ones. But not sure if I will get the same flexibility at work as I do enjoy here and also the peace of mind. I definitely miss my family a lot, but can always talk with them for hrs from here, not sure will hv same freedom there without someone raising their eyebrows... Anyways.. for me it's more of wait and watch at this time. If everything works out good while they are here.. then yes, I will be moving to India in 2010 if not in 2009. And if I don't move back by 2010, will stop thinking about it. :).
Well, I am glad that you guys have made up your mind. In my case, it won't be that easy though. In my case, it's practically impossible to convince my hubby of living seperately from my in-laws. He has this guilt feeling that he's doing injustice to them by living away from them and wants to make up for all these yrs by living with them. I will be perfectly alright living in close by, but in a different house. Anyways, my in-laws will be visiting us for the first time in this March. I am waiting for them to come here and stay with us. That will give me some more time to think over and see how it works out.
I don't mind pollution and all... that's a very small price we have to pay for being in our own land close to our dear ones. But not sure if I will get the same flexibility at work as I do enjoy here and also the peace of mind. I definitely miss my family a lot, but can always talk with them for hrs from here, not sure will hv same freedom there without someone raising their eyebrows... Anyways.. for me it's more of wait and watch at this time. If everything works out good while they are here.. then yes, I will be moving to India in 2010 if not in 2009. And if I don't move back by 2010, will stop thinking about it. :).
Seeking Women r2iers
Hey,
Just curious what line of work are you in? As far as raising eye brows are concerned, trust me some people will always raise brows on anything you do. Cant please everyone right? :rolleyes: at least thats my approach.
I am not sure how long ago did you visit India but let me tell you things are not the same anymore at least not in a metro. I am from gurgaon and 4 yrs back when i went back i saw a lot of acceptance in the society for working women. A lot of the women focus on careers and their families support them in any way they can (in-laws included). how is it injustice to your hubby's parents if he gets to be closer to his family instead of not being there at all? hope you can work it all out for good.:emsmile:
Just curious what line of work are you in? As far as raising eye brows are concerned, trust me some people will always raise brows on anything you do. Cant please everyone right? :rolleyes: at least thats my approach.
I am not sure how long ago did you visit India but let me tell you things are not the same anymore at least not in a metro. I am from gurgaon and 4 yrs back when i went back i saw a lot of acceptance in the society for working women. A lot of the women focus on careers and their families support them in any way they can (in-laws included). how is it injustice to your hubby's parents if he gets to be closer to his family instead of not being there at all? hope you can work it all out for good.:emsmile:
Seeking Women r2iers
dreamland;73570Hey Kiki,
Well, I am glad that you guys have made up your mind. In my case, it won't be that easy though. In my case, it's practically impossible to convince my hubby of living seperately from my in-laws. He has this guilt feeling that he's doing injustice to them by living away from them and wants to make up for all these yrs by living with them. I will be perfectly alright living in close by, but in a different house. Anyways, my in-laws will be visiting us for the first time in this March. I am waiting for them to come here and stay with us. That will give me some more time to think over and see how it works out.
I don't mind pollution and all... that's a very small price we have to pay for being in our own land close to our dear ones. But not sure if I will get the same flexibility at work as I do enjoy here and also the peace of mind. I definitely miss my family a lot, but can always talk with them for hrs from here, not sure will hv same freedom there without someone raising their eyebrows... Anyways.. for me it's more of wait and watch at this time. If everything works out good while they are here.. then yes, I will be moving to India in 2010 if not in 2009. And if I don't move back by 2010, will stop thinking about it. :).[/quote]
You shouldn't be concerned with anyone else raising eyebrows as long as your husband (and his parents when together) understands. It's a two way street. I treat my in-laws the same as I want my wife to treat my parents. I am very comfortable to live with my in-laws and my wife with our parents. Infact both our in-laws and parents are taking turns by staying with us in US to support us with our kids for the last 3 years. Also depends on the relationship between in-laws and parents. One of my friend has big family issues due to his in-laws and parents fights back in India and this affected his relationship with his wife.
I want to build a individual home once back in Des with provisions for parents and in-laws to live with us. In-laws currently oppose this idea due to social stigma, so I will be planning a separate portion in the same house and I think they will understand and agree with me with time. I want them to be with us to take care of them better as they grow older.