Parents unwell in India - what should I do? r2i? feeling helpless.. please help

[throwaway800]

About me:

[LIST=1]

I?m close to 40 years, with my wife and with 2 children ? middle school, and pre-k ages.

I work in tech and bring decent salary in USA.

We have a Green Card. Probably in next 2 years, I should get citizenship.

My wife is starting to build a professional career just now, with minimal income. In India she will stand no chance.
[/LIST]

My parents, brother?s family:

[LIST=1]

My parents (both mid-60s) stay in Bangalore. My parents run a shop(business) along with my brother (who is married with kids). They don?t have any significant assets in India.

My parents are not in good terms with my brother?s family. My brother has moved out and lives separately in the same locality. My parents don?t spend any joyful time with my brother. My dad sometimes says, that they live like orphans in India.

My brother has asked my dad to not come to the shop. So, my father has stopped going to the shop and has nothing to do most of the day. My dad just provides backup to my brother, as needed to run the shop.

My brother, dad are not very successful in their business. They bring middle class income.

We don?t have any significant assets (like property) in India.
[/LIST]

Mother?s stroke and situation:

[LIST=1]

My mom had stroke in 2014. My dad has become the sole caregiver for my mom since then.

Luckily my mom?s stroke was not severe, she can manage short walks, but has put on a lot of weight since her stroke.

I find that my mom and dad have almost given up in life. They don?t socialize anymore, and live in poor, unclean living conditions.

Despite my suggestions to improve their living conditions, they refuse to do so, suggesting that every other option would be worse for them.

My mom has stopped cooking anymore. They buy food from nearby hotels from morning tea, breakfast to dinner. Of course hotel food is not healthy.

The only thing that they seem to enjoy anymore is eating food. My brother doesn?t bring food to my parents due to poor terms between them.

I feel that their health is deteriorating in last few years. I?m worried that my dad might have a depression.

I?ve been in a semi-depression since my mother?s stroke. I feel helpless and feel sad for my mom and dad.

I?m unable to focus on work, and worried that I?m going to be a drag my mostly optimistic wife and kids due to my problems. My performance has become poor at work. My good work in the past at my office, is helping me out to cross this phase.

I?m the main bread winner in US, therefore my family cannot afford for me to go through depression.
[/LIST]

How can I help:

[LIST=1]

I?ve contemplated about returning to India for good to live with my parents, but worried that it will be at the expense of my career, my wife?s career and kids? education. Returning to India is such a huge step, that I?m afraid and cannot make a rational decision. I feel that it is not a right decision to return to India and put my wife and kids into a difficult life. I don?t have enough money, nor ancestral property to take such a huge gamble.

My mom doesn?t want to come to US. It is cold over here during most of the year. Moreover, given her health condition, she doesn?t want to travel to US. I?m also afraid about how to take care of her health in US given health care is so expensive is US.
[/LIST]


Please give me some advice. Talk to me about your situation and help me rationalize my situation better..

[somberi]

how about senior/retirement/assisted living in and around bangalore? you can afford it, can't you?
https://www.facebook.com/search/106377336067638/places-in/162920420424772/places/intersect/

[throwaway800]

Thanks for the suggestion. Parents will not agree to go a retirement/assisted living. They will feel stigmatized and push back suggesting that they can manage their life themselves.

[wd40]

First thing have honest discussion with your parents, if they really want you to come to India and live with them. Find out what will make them happy. If they want you to come back and take care of them, see if you can transfer from your current company and spend sometime in India, leave your wife and kids in the US. Try and see if you can improve their lives, See if the situation improves. Don't you have any savings? Can't you even take a short career break? Maybe 6 months spend with them in India and see how it goes? This break will also help you from relaxing from your semi depression.

Sent from my Redmi Note 4 using Tapatalk

[VS007]

Thanks for the suggestion. Parents will not agree to go a retirement/assisted living. They will feel stigmatized and push back suggesting that they can manage their life themselves.

Your brother is there, so for crunch time, family bond will take over and one does the right thing.

Otherwise, don't think of retirement houses like it used to be depicted in indian movies.
While we were in India, parents had to stay in one such retirement place which was quite basic for a week while there was cement work was going on inside our apt. After dropping them, I felt like I was abandoning them. But when I went back a week later to pick them up, they were quite happy there as they found many people of similar background. After a year or so when I decided to R2A, I went through the same dilemma/guilt, but knew for job sake I had to come back. I am also the only child, so some trpediations were there, but long story short, we booked in another retirement home - these are nothing more than a modern apt complex with a centralized kitchen and a common retreat area where senior folks can come, meet and have lunch/dinner. There are nurses on premise, they take care of paying taxes, EB bills and daily house hold cleaning. On an emergency, they have an ambulance to take them to any hospital and then they call the next of kin. My parents live there now, and yes its not perfect, but its a far far better alternative to living by yourself and dealing with food/servants etc.

[venkat786]

unfortunate situation. They cannot come, you cannot go, limited in finances.
If you resign your Job and go ...it will be a disaster.

As WD40 suggested, if you can afford, immediately apply for 3 month FMLA leave ...spend time with parents ...understand their needs and asks ....then act accordingly.

[harlequin]

unfortunate situation. They cannot come, you cannot go, limited in finances.
If you resign your Job and go ...it will be a disaster.

As WD40 suggested, if you can afford, immediately apply for 3 month FMLA leave ...spend time with parents ...understand their needs and asks ....then act accordingly.

i agree with this suggestion. you can take leave for 3 months - go and improve their living conditions. this should help them step out of the "cant do anything" mode.
you can also arrange for a cooking lady to come in and make some simple stuff...make sure you setup the payment so u can handle all that from here...
arrange a cleaning person...so they live in decent shape....
make sure they have cable/EB auto paid..or you pay from here..they dont need to deal with this hassle....

does not make sense to uproot entire family...from here...as you had indicated..you are settling down..and you might all end up not being happy there...

plan to make frequent 1-2 weeks trip...upto 2/3 times a year...even if it means you go unpaid for that time....that way..you are always keeping in touch and seeing them often...even taking them for health checks..or doing small errands for them..will help you get over the guilt in a little while..

[Desi2return]

About me:
Please give me some advice. Talk to me about your situation and help me rationalize my situation better..

1) Take few months off and go by yourself alone to India
2) Few options as far as putting things in place for them - (1) Move them to a better apartment where the living conditions are decent. Like a 2 bed room apartment in a nice location. (2) Purchase decent furniture - sofa, bed, dinning table, RO water filter, water heater etc if they don't have all that already (3) Hire a cook who can come home on a daily basis and cook meal for the entire day or negotiate a contract with a catering/food delivery service who can provide home cooked food on a daily basis for the entire day.
3) Give your dad monthly income - like X rupees so that he can feel independent and tell him he can spend it on whatever he want to spend it on (assuming he don't have any issues with bad habits such as alcohol, smoking etc).

Do your best to be the bridge between your brother and your parents. When you go and spend time, try to sort out the differences as much as possible. You may even have to help your brother as much as you can to get him on your side. Its hard, but you don't have much choice

[GutsyGibbon]

Some people are fortunate to have parents who are very healthy well into their 80s and 90s. Most others who live away from their birthplace need to deal with these issues. Not sure how much this will comfort you, but you should know that you are not alone. http://www.deccanherald.com/content/645475/old-lonely-india.html
There are several practical suggestions here. I would say, bump up your emergency funds, and travel funds. Make sure you work for an employer who will be fine with multiple absences in a year. My teammate flew to India with one day notice, and my boss was fine with it. Now that you have a GC, be prepared to quit your job and take care of your loved ones, if that need arrives. You can always find another job, but having to live with the thought of not caring enough for your loved one, may come back to haunt you.

[crazyforger]

Don't throw away what you have for something that you can't fix. Be grateful and move on.